We broke up

[Kamille]

I much prefer this one: Follow me (a John Denver cover) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=buzDrFt-Ta4

 

Sad today, but still accepting this is for the best.

 

Off to get myself some ice cream.

[jerbear]

Off to get myself some ice cream.

I think you should try schweddy balls.

 

(Ben & Jerry's flavored ice cream)

[corainheaven]

It is not like that even I have recently broken up with my boyfriend. I fell sad whenever I listen to instances which lead to broke up.

 

I am just trying to make my boyfriend come back to me since it is long relationship, more than 6 years.

[corainheaven]

Though if I have hearted your sentiments I am sorry.

[cracker2011]

Chin up kamille xx

[Kamille]

I feel lost and tired today. I think meeting up with him next week is going to do a world of good. Perhaps I'm delusional.

 

What I miss the most is how good it felt to love him. It's weird. It's like, I still love him, but don't know what to make of that feeling anymore, like trying to put out a flame that just won't die.

 

Sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision, but then I remember the last few weeks, how unhappy we both were and that the situation isn't likely to change any time soon. There was no other solution right?

 

I miss being able to be madly in love with him.

[zengirl]

You will be okay.

 

Do you ever watch the show How I Met Your Mother? Not the world's greatest show, and I don't always love the overall lesson, but last year, there was a story arc not very far in time from when I broke up with my last ex where Ted/Zoe dated and broke up, and Ted has a quote (one of the few times Ted says something worth listening to!) where he says, “Sometimes things have to fall apart to make way for better things.”

 

That's honestly how I feel now about my last relationship ending, and really truly everything painful that's ever happened in my life, whether it was about a relationship or being laid off or whatever --- and I think that's how everyone feels, looking back, if they can learn from their lives and get to better places. And I know you do that stuff! You are one of those wonderful people who engage in your life, learn, grow, and try to be a better Kamille along the way. I know that just from reading your posts, and that's why you'll be better than okay. At least I think so. (And honestly, I'm right a lot. So just take my word for it.)

 

So, today sucks. And that's a bummer. But it will get better, and you'll see how this had to fall apart and why. And you'll have something so much better when you're ready.

[Dust]

You will be okay.

 

Do you ever watch the show How I Met Your Mother? Not the world's greatest show, and I don't always love the overall lesson, but last year, there was a story arc not very far in time from when I broke up with my last ex where Ted/Zoe dated and broke up, and Ted has a quote (one of the few times Ted says something worth listening to!) where he says, “Sometimes things have to fall apart to make way for better things.”

 

That's honestly how I feel now about my last relationship ending, and really truly everything painful that's ever happened in my life, whether it was about a relationship or being laid off or whatever --- and I think that's how everyone feels, looking back, if they can learn from their lives and get to better places. And I know you do that stuff! You are one of those wonderful people who engage in your life, learn, grow, and try to be a better Kamille along the way. I know that just from reading your posts, and that's why you'll be better than okay. At least I think so. (And honestly, I'm right a lot. So just take my word for it.)

 

So, today sucks. And that's a bummer. But it will get better, and you'll see how this had to fall apart and why. And you'll have something so much better when you're ready.

 

Are you saying you're single too. Are you and Kamille up for a group thing?

[zengirl]

Are you saying you're single too. Are you and Kamille up for a group thing?

 

What a weird interjection/question.

 

And, no, I was just referencing my last breakup and how right ending that was. I've always felt that way about breakups, after time. And I hope it's how Kamille feels about this one --- and hopefully she someday (not too far away) wakes up and realizes it led her to something even better, hopefully in the town where she lives.

[Kamille]

Thanks Zengirl for the kind words. Deep down, I know from experience that what you say is true. Every relationship that ended was only followed by a better relationship. Right now, when I think of the future I only see a big empty canvas. It's a bit scary. But that's how it goes. I also know from experience that life has tendency to fill itself up with new experiences, new friends, new loves.

 

The good thing is that I now have moments when I can rationally think of all the ways this past relationship, though it had love, didn't have many of the vital elements that a truly fulfilling relationship could have. I know I've struggled with commitmentphobia and sometimes I wonder if he doesn't also struggle with it. I keep thinking about the mundane fights that we had and how he let them affect us. The one about sex was clearly linked to the fact that he wasn't satisfied (pun intended) in a LDR arrangement while the ones about schedules, routines and house chores now leave me feeling he never meant to make us real (ie, that long distance suited him as long as it meant we never had to grapple with regular couple's issues). That, or there were residual issues from his past relationship that meant he took any expression of frustration as a highly charged critique of his whole being. Or he was unhappy and looking for reasons to justify not investing fully in our relationship. Whatever the reason, now that I'm taking some distance from the relationship, I feel like I was swimming against the stream.

 

Loyalty is probably one of my best quality and worst flaw. Once I fall for someone and love someone, I fight tooth and nails to maintain the relationship, even against all odds. It makes me ignore a lot of important signs. I think I misinterpreted a lot of things in the last few months of the relationship. I thought he wanted us to work as much as I did. He admits himself he didn't think we would work. I can't help but resent the fact that he would focus on the fights so much, use them to distance himself, while leaving it up to me to make things better. It was a losing battle. How can you convince someone your relationship is worth it, when they're actively building a case against it? And who wants to have to convince anyone anyway?

 

Not me.

 

The next guy will need no convincing. Even though, truth be told, I have no idea when I will make time to date again.

[denise_xo]

A big empty canvas sounds quite exciting, too. Imagine all the wonderful things it can be filled with I'm glad to hear that you're processing and sense making. *hug*

[Dust]

What a weird interjection/question.

 

And, no, I was just referencing my last breakup and how right ending that was. I've always felt that way about breakups, after time. And I hope it's how Kamille feels about this one --- and hopefully she someday (not too far away) wakes up and realizes it led her to something even better, hopefully in the town where she lives.

 

She'll be fine no matter what happens.

[Kamille]

A big empty canvas sounds quite exciting, too. Imagine all the wonderful things it can be filled with I'm glad to hear that you're processing and sense making. *hug*

 

I guess what I find daunting right now is finding the energy and the time to fill it up. But it will happen organically right? Plus, I'm in no rush. More interested in figuring out how to do this teaching thing (having a bad week with one of the groups I teach. They're panicked - therefore needy- and I can't figure out why).

 

She'll be fine no matter what happens.

 

Yes, especially since I can look forward to a day where Dust and I run around the city kicking garbage cans.

[denise_xo]

I guess what I find daunting right now is finding the energy and the time to fill it up. But it will happen organically right? Plus, I'm in no rush. More interested in figuring out how to do this teaching thing (having a bad week with one of the groups I teach. They're panicked - therefore needy- and I can't figure out why).

 

Yes, it definitely happens organically IME. I wouldn't stress about that.

 

Mine are panicked, too, right now. The master students are panicked because they have their project proposals due, and the new BA students because it's finally starting to dawn on them how much they haven't figured out but are expected to figure out But I think those cycles are part of the learning they're going through. I don't think it's possible, or desirable, to scaffold everything in detail. A bit of disorientation (but not too much/ over a very long period of time) can be healthy, IMO. That way they are forced to formulate their own questions about content and process, and there's a lot of learning in being made to go through that.

 

ETA: I need to sack the person transcribing for me but not quite sure how to go about it. If you have experience in that area, please let me know... I hate having to do those things, especially when I should have known better in the first place.

Edited October 14, 2011 by denise_xo

[Kamille]

Yes, it definitely happens organically IME. I wouldn't stress about that.

 

Mine are panicked, too, right now. The master students are panicked because they have their project proposals due, and the new BA students because it's finally starting to dawn on them how much they haven't figured out but are expected to figure out But I think those cycles are part of the learning they're going through. I don't think it's possible, or desirable, to scaffold everything in detail. A bit of disorientation (but not too much/ over a very long period of time) can be healthy, IMO. That way they are forced to formulate their own questions about content and process, and there's a lot of learning in being made to go through that.

 

ETA: I need to sack the person transcribing for me but not quite sure how to go about it. If you have experience in that area, please let me know... I hate having to do those things, especially when I should have known better in the first place.

 

Thanks for the teaching support. I think I try to coddle them too much - probably because I worry I'm not doing a good job, and they take is as a sign that they can negotiate their grades with me (Nope). But truth be told, they are meeting my expectations. They're just not satisfied with their generally good grades - a thing that strikes me as odd. Also, some students feel there is a lot of content to the course. I keep getting that comment. I'll seek institutionnal support to figure out how to teach "less content". It should also be said that I probably haven't been on top of my game since the break up. Last week, my goal was simply to get by. So maybe this one battle that is lost, one I should notch up to a learning experience. I'm already starting to figure out what to do differently the next time I teach it.

 

I have yet to experience having to fire an assistant. But, here's a little note: I got my first research / transcription job because another student was fired. And look where I am now. You may be firing someone, but you'll also be opening the door for someone else.

 

 

Hey Kamille. I can totally relate to how you're feeling! I'm going to tell you something you told me a year ago that I remember clearly and helped me get through my worst break up ever. At the time like you I also saw an empty canvas ahead.

 

You pointed out that I've never had trouble finding relationships and predicted that in a year I'd be totally into some new guy and have left thoughts of this old dud in the dust. I didn't really believe at the time but you were completely right! I met two guys I was really into, more into than my ex. The first never got past the casual dating stage but the second blossomed into a special connection.

 

I'm now with somebody whom I care about far more, who is a much better fit for me than my last boyfriend was. I'm so, so glad that old relationship ended so I was able to enter this new one. Like you each of my relationships has been progressively better than the last.

 

Somehow relationships seem to find us, almost as if they materialize out of thin air. So sit back and trust that a new, better relationship will find you and you won't have to wait too long. I predict that within a year you won't be able to shut up about a new boyfriend. I will mention this post as an "I told you so" if I'm right.

 

This post is very touching TC - and I remember you not believing me. I told you so! Yes, I'm going to sit back and have faith that this is all happening for a reason. It will be a happy day when you also get to gloat.

[zengirl]

She'll be fine no matter what happens.

 

I agree with you on that.

 

Still don't know what your other post was about. I guess I missed a joke, Dust?

[Hot Chick]

[quote=Kamille;3677199. I can't help but resent the fact that he would focus on the fights so much, use them to distance himself, while leaving it up to me to make things better. It was a losing battle. How can you convince someone your relationship is worth it, when they're actively building a case against it? And who wants to have to convince anyone anyway?

 

Oh, Ok. Next time you are in a relationship, watch how much you are picking fights with your boyfriend, and what things you are fighting over. Guys hate having a relationship which involves arguing/fighting etc. and they don't want to deal with the drama, and yes, that is going to stand out to them when they are evaluating the quality of the relationship.

So...watch the fighting and try to curb it because many guys simply won't tolerate it. The more and more you comment, he wanted to break up and was just waiting for you to do it.

You live, you learn. I would definitely take this as a learning experience in relationships rather than resenting him in any way because it sounds like he was not at fault. Neither of you were, but watch that fighting if you want to keep your man! Men hate drama...please remember that! Breathe it! Live it!

[Kamille]

Oh, Ok. Next time you are in a relationship, watch how much you are picking fights with your boyfriend, and what things you are fighting over. Guys hate having a relationship which involves arguing/fighting etc. and they don't want to deal with the drama, and yes, that is going to stand out to them when they are evaluating the quality of the relationship.

So...watch the fighting and try to curb it because many guys simply won't tolerate it. The more and more you comment, he wanted to break up and was just waiting for you to do it.

You live, you learn. I would definitely take this as a learning experience in relationships rather than resenting him in any way because it sounds like he was not at fault. Neither of you were, but watch that fighting if you want to keep your man! Men hate drama...please remember that! Breathe it! Live it!

 

Sorry but this post made me laugh. Who said I was picking all the fights? Who said I was the one creating "drama"?

 

There's a song that says: the saddest part of a broken heart isn't the ending as much as the start. When one partner gives up on the relationship but fails to inform the other, misunderstandings are going to happen and everyday negotiations are going to become tricky. A fight about garbage is going to be blown out of proportion by the partner who wants out. The health of a relationship isn't measured by absence or avoidance of conflict, rather by the ability to resolve issues organically. In my experience, when both partners are committed to the relationship, conflict-resolution happens smoothly. Both partners have faith in their love. We had that for years, we lost it this summer.

 

This is one of the lessons I learned: A partner who consistently focuses on the negative is a partner who has one foot out the door. I can't fault him for finding a long term LDR difficult. But I can be hurt that I wasn't informed that he no longer believed in us. I was operating on one set of principles, when really, another set was at play.

Edited October 15, 2011 by Kamille

[Els]

Sorry but this post made me laugh. Who said I was picking all the fights? Who said I was the one creating "drama"?

 

I'm not sure where this poster got her information from, either, but from her other posts I'm frankly not surprised. She reminds me of musemaj : Too trollish to take seriously most of the time, but not trollish enough to actually get banned.

 

That being said, K, I don't have much time to post today, but I've been thinking about you. I've been through an LDR breakup, and I can remember how it feels: The worst, most nagging part of it all was the thought, 'This would have worked out if only it hadn't been for our circumstances.'

 

But now, well, I think things happen for a reason. I am glad my previous LDR ended, 4 years ago, because without that I would not have been in the relationship that I am now, which has been much better in a multitude of ways, despite beginning as a LDR as well. I think that when one door closes, it's life's way of showing us a multitude of doors that we would not have noticed and allowed to open, otherwise.

 

Chin up, and stay strong!

[Kamille]

Thanks Elswyth

 

Right now I am struggling with a variation of the LDR: "What if we lived in the same town?": I wonder if we would have survived as a couple had we lived in the same town.

 

Considering how we ended, and the issues that traversed our relationship, I feel like keeping each other at a distance was a requirement of our relationship. And I wonder: was our love real? That's why I keep going back to all the discussions we had and to the fight about garbage (one of two "mundane" fights I can recall us having). I asked him to help, he didn't really, I got frustrated, we talked, I apologized for getting mad, he said it was okay and he apologized for not helping more. Then, that night, he came to bed late (had never done that in the past) and left the morning after in a bad mood. I called that day to make sure we were okay. He said, again, we were fine. Then, when we broke up, he actually brought up how much that weekend affected him and made us question us. He brewed resentment for weeks over a fight about garbage, one that, to the best of my knowledge, had been resolved.

 

Right now I wonder: is it the chicken or the egg? Did his dissatisfaction with the LDR make him hang on to whatever he could to distance himself further or was it the opposite: he was into us as long as we didn't deal with mundane issues and had no "managing real life" conflicts? In other words: would our love have survived had we lived together?

[johan]

Which answer do you prefer?

[denise_xo]

I have yet to experience having to fire an assistant. But, here's a little note: I got my first research / transcription job because another student was fired. And look where I am now. You may be firing someone, but you'll also be opening the door for someone else.

 

Oh, God, there's nothing I'd want more right now than a Kamille walking into my life I've NOT done well with research assistants recently...

 

As for this

 

In other words: would our love have survived had we lived together?

 

I realise this might not be what you want to hear, but in a sense it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because you didn't live together. And there were probably very good reasons why you didn't (professional, practical, and so on). Look forward, and focus on all the lovely things that will splash all over that white canvas.

[Kamille]

 

 

I realise this might not be what you want to hear, but in a sense it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because you didn't live together. And there were probably very good reasons why you didn't (professional, practical, and so on). Look forward, and focus on all the lovely things that will splash all over that white canvas.

 

 

Which answer do you prefer?

 

I saw Johan's question but had to leave to go meet up with friends. I've been thinking about it a bit... And even though I like Denise's answer the best, I actually have to say that either way, the result is the same: I need to figure out what my role is in all of this.

 

But Denise has the answer: it didn't matter then and it doesn't matter now. What this relationship had that made it unique was that it never had to hit the ground. We provided each other with a lot of support through a lot of transitions. And I guess that was enough for me at the time - and also probably all I could handle. I was focused on my career. He was willing to support me through it, for whatever reasons of his own.

 

Now, I am ready for a different kind of relationship. Perhaps we both got to the point where we were looking for more and not finding it in the LDR or each other.

 

Thanks J and D for helping me through that particular thought pattern .

[denise_xo]

Thanks J and D for helping me through that particular thought pattern .

 

Pleasure keep strong

[Dust]

Yes, especially since I can look forward to a day where Dust and I run around the city kicking garbage cans.

 

You made that one up. Good idea!

 

I agree with you on that.

 

Still don't know what your other post was about. I guess I missed a joke, Dust?

 

I was just enoying myself.