We broke up

[johan]

Glad you had a good day, K.

[threebyfate]

Sorry to hear about this Kamille. Sucks when things don't work out.

[Kamille]

Sorry to hear about this Kamille. Sucks when things don't work out.

 

Thanks TBF.

 

Let's face it, it was a tad unrealistic to imagine we could make a long-distance relationship last for an undetermined amount of time.

 

It's weird, as absent as he had been in my life the last few weeks, it feels like there's a frame missing around me.

 

Meanwhile, I happen to know he'd been going out more and meeting lovely women. He'll likely start dating within weeks. But it doesn't matter does it? It's not a competition. I have my own road to follow.

 

The fact he might have already slept with someone else by the time we meet up is likely what would keep me from sleeping with him on our final goodbye... Plus, I realize I don't actually trust him to tell me the truth about it. You may recall there were a few instance in our relationship when he muddled the truth. The whole thing is very telling.

[D-Lish]

In two weeks. Am also hoping to meet up with the 69th poster around that time. She might get the scoop before the rest of you.

 

I love scoops in conjunction with skinny latte's and a rasberry muffin!

 

Kam, the only reason I chose not to sleep with my ex after meeting up with him after 5 months was the fact that it would have led us backwards to a place we both knew was the wrong direction to go. We did spoon a lot while watching movies, and I did feel his "attraction" for me against my back:lmao:, but I knew sleeping together meant getting back together.

 

What makes you think he's been out meeting other women?

[Kamille]

 

What makes you think he's been out meeting other women?

 

He had been going out more and more and had recently met a new group of friends. The type of events they attended were bars and salsa classes, the type of things single people do. This made me insecure - granted, it was that, coupled with the fact that he was becoming increasingly hard to reach - and increasingly disconnected when we did speak to each other.

 

So anyway, in one of the post-break up emails he sent me, my charming ex said, unprompted, something to the effect of: "it is true that I have been going out more and I have met some lovely women. But I never crossed the line. I never cheated on you." I mean, I already knew he was going out a lot and already knew women were part of his new group of friends. But the "lovely women" thing came from his own adieu email.

 

His new lifestyle, born out of loneliness he says, puts him in contact with a lot of women. Good for him really. Now, whether he sees other women or not is no longer a worry of mine.

 

I believe him when he says he never crossed the line. But the point remains, he was checking out. He admits he had been emotionally distancing himself from me. End of story.

 

I feel great today. Just went for a long hike in gorgeous weather with a friend. The hike was quite uphill and it really cleared out any remaining negative emotion I might have been feeling. Today I just feel zen. Am thinking tomorrow I'll scope out the new city, camera in hand, taking pictures.

[pandagirl]

That is charming indeed, your ex saying he had meet some "lovely women." Geez. haha.

 

I had the same experience in my LDR. The distancing, etc. I saw it, but I didn't admit it to myself either. It was like as soon as he starting setting up his on individual life for himself, we were over.

 

You are a remarkably strong, smart woman and you know how to heal yourself with a positive outlook. I know you will be fine and find love again (hopefully in the same city!). But I have to say, you sound so healthy, that I want to make sure you are giving yourself some time to adequately grieve this relationship.

[D-Lish]

He had been going out more and more and had recently met a new group of friends. The type of events they attended were bars and salsa classes, the type of things single people do. This made me insecure - granted, it was that, coupled with the fact that he was becoming increasingly hard to reach - and increasingly disconnected when we did speak to each other.

 

So anyway, in one of the post-break up emails he sent me, my charming ex said, unprompted, something to the effect of: "it is true that I have been going out more and I have met some lovely women. But I never crossed the line. I never cheated on you." I mean, I already knew he was going out a lot and already knew women were part of his new group of friends. But the "lovely women" thing came from his own adieu email.

 

His new lifestyle, born out of loneliness he says, puts him in contact with a lot of women. Good for him really. Now, whether he sees other women or not is no longer a worry of mine.

 

I believe him when he says he never crossed the line. But the point remains, he was checking out. He admits he had been emotionally distancing himself from me. End of story.

 

I feel great today. Just went for a long hike in gorgeous weather with a friend. The hike was quite uphill and it really cleared out any remaining negative emotion I might have been feeling. Today I just feel zen. Am thinking tomorrow I'll scope out the new city, camera in hand, taking pictures.

 

He said that??? Man, that would piss me off!

 

I'm glad you had a really good day today, it was beautiful out here today as well.

 

Glad this is getting easier for you with each passing day.

[Kamille]

 

I had the same experience in my LDR. The distancing, etc. I saw it, but I didn't admit it to myself either. It was like as soon as he starting setting up his on individual life for himself, we were over.

 

It took me awhile to catch on that he was distancing himself because it all seemed to make sense at the time: he was busy, he had loads of work, he was insecure about our sex life, etc.

 

The relationship got complicated as he checked out.

We had a great sex life and he would spend his time worrying about it - say, if I wasn't rushing to round 4 with guns blazing. We would have a great weekend - but he would remember the times when we were disconnected. One weekend, while his sister was visiting, we had an evening when we were thick as thieves. it was an amazing love making session, we uttered non-sense to each other, I felt so close to him. The day after, we had a tiff about taking out the garbage. He left barely looking at me, cold and distant. I called him to make amends and he said: "We've been disconnected all weekend." I reminded him of the night before and he did not remember. It didn't make sense to me at the time. How could he forget the good part? Why would he focus on a tiff about garbage? Now it makes sense: he wasn't happy. This relationship didn't meet his needs.

 

I kept trying to see his point of view, trying to understand what he was telling me, but it never crossed my mind that what he was really telling me was: "I'm unhappy, I can't do this anymore, I'm going to hang on to whatever I can to justify checking out". The fact was, I was happy, I was madly in love, the mere thought of him made me feel loved and safe - up until the last few weeks. While he was distancing himself, I still believed we were connected and just needed to make time for each other. Meanwhile, he felt we were both disconnected - when in reality I was right there, noticing he was disconnected, hopeful we would reconnect. I don't even feel shame about missing the signs, about how naive I was. I would rather be in my shoes than in his. I didn't squander love away.

 

You are a remarkably strong, smart woman and you know how to heal yourself with a positive outlook. I know you will be fine and find love again (hopefully in the same city!). But I have to say, you sound so healthy, that I want to make sure you are giving yourself some time to adequately grieve this relationship.

 

I'm not in the clear, and I know this. But my thoughts seem to always reach these indisputable conclusions that make destructive thought-patterns impossible. He wasn't happy. He deserves to be happy. He was checking out, I deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is fully present. We tried our best.

 

We had a great time, while the great times lasted. This relationship was impossible to imagine in the long term. I can't resent him for checking out. We were in a tough relationship. I do believe we were madly in love with each other at one point. We were there for each other as we each went through important transition in our lives.

 

Sometimes my ego acts up in the form of worries about him dating someone else, of wanting him to miss me, etc, but then it's easy for me to recognize it as ego.

 

My biggest worry is that I will never meet anyone as easy to be with as him. And then I remember how strained the last few weeks were and I tell myself: even that no longer existed.

 

It probably helps that I have a health insurance plan that covers massages and therapy. It helps that he had gotten so distant that he didn't figure much in my every day life. It helps that I'm making friends here. That the weather is nice. There's just nothing with which to torture myself. The last few months had gotten insanely complicated, as we seemed to constantly struggle with one problem or another. Now? Now, my life is suddenly uncomplicated. My life has gotten so simple. It's all in one place.

 

I say all this and write so much that clearly, I'm still processing things. But I just can't seem to bog myself down. This break up was inevitable. And it is for the best.

Edited October 9, 2011 by Kamille

[johan]

It probably helps that I have a health insurance plan that covers massages and therapy. It helps that he had gotten so distant that he didn't figure much in my every day life. It helps that I'm making friends here.

 

I think what is going to make letting go easiest is the fact that you were already apart most of the time anyway. Your average day is not affected by this very much at all. This isn't to say your coping strategies are not great, but you had to unravel things to a pretty large degree when you moved apart. Maybe you'll even find that you were sadder when you moved than you are now.

[Kamille]

He said that??? Man, that would piss me off!

 

 

Oh, you should see the back and forth emails we had on that day. I was livid. By now, I just think it's so gauche it's nothing if not funny. Go and enjoy the lovely women young man! Mandatory phone calls to your long-distance girlfriend no longer stand in your way!

[Kamille]

Your average day is not affected by this very much at all.

 

Indeed. The only way my average day is affected is that I now no longer have to worry about us. It feels like there's an organizing frame missing in my life, but it was broken anyway.

 

So, since my average day isn't affected, I don't have those relationship withdrawals one normally has, where you have to figure out how to reorganize your life. Not having daily-presence withdrawals makes it way easier to stay rational and to appear to have stellar coping strategies.

[torn_curtain]

It took me awhile to catch on that he was distancing himself because it all seemed to make sense at the time: he was busy, he had loads of work, he was insecure about our sex life, etc.

 

The relationship got complicated as he checked out.

We had a great sex life and he would spend his time worrying about it - say, if I wasn't rushing to round 4 with guns blazing. We would have a great weekend - but he would remember the times when we were disconnected. One weekend, while his sister was visiting, we had an evening when we were thick as thieves. it was an amazing love making session, we uttered non-sense to each other, I felt so close to him. The day after, we had a tiff about taking out the garbage. He left barely looking at me, cold and distant. I called him to make amends and he said: "We've been disconnected all weekend." I reminded him of the night before and he did not remember. It didn't make sense to me at the time. How could he forget the good part? Why would he focus on a tiff about garbage? Now it makes sense: he wasn't happy. This relationship didn't meet his needs.

 

I kept trying to see his point of view, trying to understand what he was telling me, but it never crossed my mind that what he was really telling me was: "I'm unhappy, I can't do this anymore, I'm going to hang on to whatever I can to justify checking out". The fact was, I was happy, I was madly in love, the mere thought of him made me feel loved and safe - up until the last few weeks. While he was distancing himself, I still believed we were connected and just needed to make time for each other. Meanwhile, he felt we were both disconnected - when in reality I was right there, noticing he was disconnected, hopeful we would reconnect. I don't even feel shame about missing the signs, about how naive I was. I would rather be in my shoes than in his. I didn't squander love away.

 

 

 

I'm not in the clear, and I know this. But my thoughts seem to always reach these indisputable conclusions that make destructive thought-patterns impossible. He wasn't happy. He deserves to be happy. He was checking out, I deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is fully present. We tried our best.

 

We had a great time, while the great times lasted. This relationship was impossible to imagine in the long term. I can't resent him for checking out. We were in a tough relationship. I do believe we were madly in love with each other at one point. We were there for each other as we each went through important transition in our lives.

 

Sometimes my ego acts up in the form of worries about him dating someone else, of wanting him to miss me, etc, but then it's easy for me to recognize it as ego.

 

My biggest worry is that I will never meet anyone as easy to be with as him. And then I remember how strained the last few weeks were and I tell myself: even that no longer existed.

 

It probably helps that I have a health insurance plan that covers massages and therapy. It helps that he had gotten so distant that he didn't figure much in my every day life. It helps that I'm making friends here. That the weather is nice. There's just nothing with which to torture myself. The last few months had gotten insanely complicated, as we seemed to constantly struggle with one problem or another. Now? Now, my life is suddenly uncomplicated. My life has gotten so simple. It's all in one place.

 

I say all this and write so much that clearly, I'm still processing things. But I just can't seem to bog myself down. This break up was inevitable. And it is for the best.

 

You seem to be doing so well. That's good. I sort of agree with D, though, that you need to give yourself some time to grieve. Or, alternatively, if you're barely grieving maybe you should ask yourself why. Were you not that invested in this relationship? Maybe it wasn't doing it for you either?

 

I'm going to make some observations based on reading your thread history and knowing you on here. I hope you don't take them the wrong way, because they are sincerely intended to help. I see certain patterns and I wonder if you're aware of them.

 

Sometimes I wonder if you're still commitment phobic to a degree and men you're involved with start to feel disturbed by the sense that you don't "need" them (whether this is true or not). The little jab your ex sent you in that email about meeting "lovely women" seemed like it was intended to get to you. I remember a couple of your other exes taking nasty swipes at you during breakups. It's like they're trying to elicit a response because they don't think you care enough. I'm not excusing their behavior at all, but I wonder if it comes from a place of them feeling ignored in the relationship, or that you could take them or leave them. It may also be that you get involved with men who require more attention than you're able to give and you would do better with somebody who is a bit more distant/independent.

 

From what you said about your childhood, you were always having demands placed on you (trying to please others) and not given much space, so I think as an adult space is something you really crave in a relationship.

 

What you've described about your relationship suggests a disconnect between how you perceived the relationship and how he did. This might have also led to him feeling that his needs were being ignored. I know it wasn't intentional on your part but it speaks to a core incompatibility. Your idea of what a relationship should consist of was different from his. I think you are someone who needs a lot of space and this is something many people may not get. They'll feel like you're checking out when in fact you're really happy with the relationship and this is the ideal to you. This is why I'm suggesting you might do better with a guy who requires a lot of space like you do and is a bit more detached by nature because you'll both be on the same page.

Edited October 9, 2011 by torn_curtain

[Kamille]

Those are good observations TC. My sister said something similar: she feels men get really insecure around me because of my need for space. I'm hoping there is a guy out there who'll be able to handle it. Or that now that I am settled somewhere permanently, that I'll be able to work on it.

 

Yes, fundamentally, we were incompatible when it came to what we needed in a relationship. Once I commit to someone, it's pretty much a given that I'm happy, will notify if am not (and then, I will be open to solutions). He wasn't happy, was trying to communicate it, but somehow I kept misunderstanding what he was saying. To be fair, he never came out and said: I'm not happy. I think I was very receptive to his needs in general, always willing to hear him out, always wanting for him to feel safe, happy, satisfied. I did try to be tuned to his needs. He did communicate that one time in August that he was worried about us, that he wanted us to see each other more... and then he did absolutely nothing for us to see each other more. I guess I misunderstood and thought he was looking for solutions, when really, what he was trying to say was the he needed out.

Edited October 9, 2011 by Kamille

[torn_curtain]

He wasn't happy, was trying to communicate it, but somehow I kept misunderstanding what he was saying. To be fair, he never came out and said: I'm not happy. I think I was very receptive to his needs in general, always willing to hear him out, always wanting for him to feel safe, happy, satisfied. I did try to be tuned to his needs. He did communicate that one time in August that he was worried about us, that he wanted us to see each other more... and then he did absolutely nothing for us to see each other more. I guess I misunderstood and thought he was looking for solutions, when really, what he was trying to say was the he needed out.

 

It sounds like you have a reasonable approach to conflict resolution. Unfortunately a lot of people rely more on subtext when communicating their needs.

 

This is just speculation but I suspect this is what may have happened. I don't think he necessarily wanted out of the relationship in August but he was definitely feeling ambivalent. He probably knew on some level that you guys were basically incompatible, even then, but he was still too attached to let go. That's why he didn't try to see you more when you offered him a solution, because that wasn't the real problem. He wasn't looking for a solution because he didn't think it was an incompatibility that could be fixed, whatever it was. He was just airing his frustrations.

 

I'm not entirely sure what that incompatibility was to him. I think it was partly that you wanted more space than he was comfortable with, but I also remember he had a lot of preexisting issues tangled up in his feelings for an old flame. He didn't sound emotionally healthy to be honest.

 

Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is while your approach to relationships is healthy and mature, I don't know how much it is in tune with how others operate. I see two solutions to this. One possibility is to pay closer attention to subtext when it comes to communication with a partner. Part of paying attention to subtext is noticing whether actions and words align. When you found out your ex had lied about his involvement with/feelings for an old flame, I would have given that act of dishonesty more weight than the make up words that followed in his attempt to damage control.

 

Alternatively you could look for someone who communicates in the straightforward way you do, but unfortunately most people aren't very emotionally mature so it'll take some weeding.

 

*EDIT: I think you need to be more brutal in the future about ditching guys whose words and actions don't align. That's an easy solution to the whole communication problem. In other words, you should pay attention to subtext but only in the sense that you're evaluating whether a guy's words can be taken at face value, not in the sense that you should be trying to telepathically understand his needs.

Edited October 10, 2011 by torn_curtain

[Ariadne]

it was an amazing love making session, we uttered non-sense to each other, I felt so close to him. The day after, we had a tiff about taking out the garbage.

 

Hey Kamille,

 

I was thinking that something else that may happen with all of this is that you realize that he is really important to you and that life is pretty lonely otherwise.

 

It may be that if he really loves you, he may have been checking out other girls to replace you because you were distant to him in the first place staying far away.

 

And maybe now you'll sort out your priorities and decide to try being together.

 

Good luck with it all though, and it really is a beautiful day today out here as well. Hugs.

[Kamille]

Thanks TC for paying attention to what I can learn from this relationship and break up. I can be really stubborn when in love and bulldoze over all the signs that my SO is inconsistent or unhappy.

 

I agree that our emotional styles were probably mismatched and have been wondering why it worked for me for so long. This relationship, when it was good, was so very very good. And when it was bad, it was never really so bad. We seemed to always find our way back to each other, at least, up until this summer.

 

But I will work on why I allowed a misalignment between words and actions, why it was impossible for me to pull myself away when I found out he had lied by omission. I am starting therapy again soon (am waiting to hear back from therapist), and that's one thing I've identified as potentially needing work.

 

Ariadne, what about him? Could he not come to the conclusion life is pretty lonely without me?

 

No, really, we met at a time when we were both in transition career and life wise. Our paths didn't take us on the same route for reasons I'm only beginning to understand. One day though, someone will walk into my life and make me understand why it never worked out with anyone else.

[Ariadne]

Ariadne, what about him? Could he not come to the conclusion life is pretty lonely without me?

 

No, really, we met at a time when we were both in transition career and life wise. Our paths didn't take us on the same route for reasons I'm only beginning to understand. One day though, someone will walk into my life and make me understand why it never worked out with anyone else.

 

For what I remember he had small children in the town where he lives, and it was up to you to make the move to be with him. I believe you wanted to stay because of your job or something like that.

 

But it could happen that one day you'll me someone like that also.. I guess you'll have to keep on trying.

[HeavenOrHell]

It comes across in some of your posts that you're implying it's Kamille's 'fault' for not moving. My partner is unable/won't/can't give up the security of his job to move to be nearer me (his job transfer fell through), as it's his one security, I don't see this as him not loving me enough or not making enough effort, but maybe that's how it would seem to you?

Equally, I have things here, including my home, which is mine for life, if I gave that up then that is my security gone, (I don't want to go into detail here) this doesn't mean I don't love him enough to move countries and leave my life behind here.

To people not in this situation, or people in LDR's who don't have anything holding them back from moving, it may seem pretty simple to move, but for many of us circumstances make it Bl**dy hard.

 

 

 

 

For what I remember he had small children in the town where he lives, and it was up to you to make the move to be with him. I believe you wanted to stay because of your job or something like that.

 

But it could happen that one day you'll me someone like that also.. I guess you'll have to keep on trying.

 

 

>Hey Kamille,

 

I was thinking that something else that may happen with all of this is that you realize that he is really important to you and that life is pretty lonely otherwise.

 

It may be that if he really loves you, he may have been checking out other girls to replace you because you were distant to him in the first place staying far away.

 

And maybe now you'll sort out your priorities and decide to try being together.

 

Good luck with it all though, and it really is a beautiful day today out here as well. Hugs.<

[Els]

And maybe now you'll sort out your priorities and decide to try being together.

 

Good luck with it all though, and it really is a beautiful day today out here as well. Hugs.

 

No, I really disagree. Positions like the one K is in are so, so rare, and especially nowadays it's incredibly rare to find a job you love. If they were married for a long time, like IG and her H, it might just possibly be worth it to move. In K's previous relationships, however, it would not have been worth it for her to do so. There is no guarantee they would have worked out even if she had done so, and she would have sacrificed so much.

 

Most of us who move to be with a partner either have a fixed long-term commitment with them already (engaged/married) or do not have much to lose by going. Neither is true in K's case; she made the right choice.

 

K, I still think you're handling this incredibly well. I envy your emotional stability and level head, I really do. More hugs for you!

[Els]

It comes across in some of your posts that you're implying it's Kamille's 'fault' for not moving. My partner is unable/won't/can't give up the security of his job to move to be nearer me (his job transfer fell through), as it's his one security, I don't see this as him not loving me enough or not making enough effort, but maybe that's how it would seem to you?

 

I don't think Ariadne would think that of your man, HOH. AFAIK she has posted that she deems a woman's most important role to be in the house, and that her life is a 'waste' if she is not a wife and mother sometime during it. She does not support the concept of women having careers. Looking at her advice in the context of her viewpoint, it makes sense that she says what she is saying. I just don't think her her advice is applicable to Kamille, who does value her career.

[corainheaven]

It is very sad to know that you have ended up your love life. Well be positive, may be someone more loving is waiting for you or god may have made someone more special than him.

[Kamille]

Thanks Cora.

 

You know what they say, it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

 

The current conditions of our relationship made a farce of our love though. He was building resentment and becoming emotionally detached. I was becoming needy, jealous and insecure. I prefer ending things now, while I can still think back fondly on our love, then later down the road.

 

I have many years ahead of me, so I imagine I will one day love again. I know he has a lot of love to offer, so I know he will one day find a relationship that meets his needs. In fact, while a part of me (ego) wishes he never finds anyone with whom he shares a bond like we did - and wishes he never forgets me, another part of me thinks he deserves the most outstanding kind of love known to man. He deserves to be cherished and adored. He so deserves to be happy. And whatever I wish for him, I also wish for me.

[johan]

Cora just wants you to click the link in "her" signature. You're talking to a spammer.

[Kamille]

Cora just wants you to click the link in "her" signature. You're talking to a spammer.

 

I was wondering what kindred spirit would join this site for the simple reason of wishing me well - all while hinting I might never find love again.

 

Thanks for having my back J.

[Ariadne]

It comes across in some of your posts that you're implying it's Kamille's 'fault' for not moving....I have things here, including my home, which is mine for life, if I gave that up then that is my security gone

 

Positions like the one K is in are so, so rare, and especially nowadays it's incredibly rare to find a job you love... There is no guarantee they would have worked out even if she had done so, and she would have sacrificed so much.

 

Here is a song for that, I Will Follow Him: http://youtu.be/N6X2u3sH3jc