We broke up

[Cee]

Aww, that sucks:( I missed post until now. Your words reminded me of my great heart break a decade ago. All I remember was taking a lot of baths and eating my body weight in food...

 

I got nothing to offer in terms of wisdom, but my best thoughts.

[Kamille]

I'm sorry Kam. I too am a "pro" at heart break, but it doesn't seem to get any easier dealing with it.

 

I have to say, good for you for putting an end to something that you knew wasn't working. That's not always easy to do.

 

Hugs.

 

I think how hard or easy it is to get over hearbreak depends on the reasons for the breakup. You situation was a lot more ambiguous than this is. Yours ended so abruptly. If anything, I hung on for too long to a relationship that was going downhill fast. I keep thinking I should have seen the signs he was distancing himself. Now they're obvious. At the time, I kept treating them like separate incidents. I do get some sense of closure from knowing we tried to make it work, I gave it all I could, but, in the end, it wasn't enough. I don't think you ever got that with your ex.

 

But hey - so you know, this doesn't mean our coffee date is off. I'll still be going over there soon, just not in your hood .

[Kamille]

Aww, that sucks:( I missed post until now. Your words reminded me of my great heart break a decade ago. All I remember was taking a lot of baths and eating my body weight in food...

 

I got nothing to offer in terms of wisdom, but my best thoughts.

 

Thanks Cee. I'm definitely taking a lot of baths, but I lost my appetite. I have to force myself to eat. Hey, maybe I'll finally lose that 10 pounds that's been bugging me.

 

Fortunately, I have a roommate who is taking good care of me, making sure I eat.

[johan]

Yes! The upshot is that now I can shamelessly flirt with you again . Although, warning, I'm not getting into another long distance relationship ever in my life.

 

There is no shame in flirting with me. There is only shame in not flirting with me.

 

Ditto about the long distance relationships. I often wish I was able to, but I really do need to be physically present with my mate. I can't function in a relationship otherwise.

[torn_curtain]

I just posted this in Cracker 21's thread. She asked me to explain why we broke up. So here's another, more detailed version of my first post. Ex and I have also exchanged a few emails today. Please note, I told him I need time to heal and would prefer no contact.

 

Why we broke up:

 

He admits himself that he slowly started detaching once it became obvious I was settling in the city where I live (in June). First he tried to live our relationship day by day. Things gradually got worse and worse. I didn't realize what was happening. He started focusing more and more on little negative things. Work seemed to get in the way more and more. Social obligations got in the way more and more. He became more and more distant. I sensed something was happening and started having trust issues, which only made him feel more distant. Then I spent the last few weeks feeling miserable until it all came to a head a few nights ago, when it became obvious to me that our relationship was no longer a priority for him. I broke things off. We discussed it all today, and he seems to agree with my interpretation of what happened, claiming the whole process was unconscious on his part. He would like us to be friends... He does have a head-start on distancing himself from me after all. I can't do it right now. I'm too hurt. If I was in the same headspace he was, maybe it would be possible, but I'm not. I'm still in love.

 

Aw, this is heartbreaking to read. I think you're doing really well considering. I'd probably be bawling in bed right now.

[Kamille]

Aw, this is heartbreaking to read. I think you're doing really well considering. I'd probably be bawling in bed right now.

 

Who says I'm not?

 

Seriously, I'm not, although I did have a meltdown this morning while we were exchanging emails and I collapsed in bed crying when I got home after work.

 

Now I feel rather serene though. This thread is definitely helping. I'm still trying to figure out how to make a flirtatious comment to Johan. It's been so long, I'm a bit rusty.

[D-Lish]

I think how hard or easy it is to get over hearbreak depends on the reasons for the breakup. You situation was a lot more ambiguous than this is. Yours ended so abruptly. If anything, I hung on for too long to a relationship that was going downhill fast. I keep thinking I should have seen the signs he was distancing himself. Now they're obvious. At the time, I kept treating them like separate incidents. I do get some sense of closure from knowing we tried to make it work, I gave it all I could, but, in the end, it wasn't enough. I don't think you ever got that with your ex.

 

But hey - so you know, this doesn't mean our coffee date is off. I'll still be going over there soon, just not in your hood .

 

I was going to ask if that meant you wouldn't be back in town!

 

As much as my situation was somewhat different, my ex had been distancing himself from me for quite some time and I did notice it, and I wasn't happy- but I didn't have the strength to end it like you did.

 

That's what I admire about you, your strength. You respect yourself- and you won't put up with a guy that is distancing himself or isn't giving you what you need. I know I would/do so too a much greater degree than you do.

 

I know you don't even want to think about dating right now, and that's a smart decision. It's a great time to get back to focusing on your job- that's been your priority for a while, and there is no time like the present to prioritize your job "guilt free".

 

We'll talk about it at Starbuck's one day:lmao:

[Art_Critic]

I'm still trying to figure out how to make a flirtatious comment to Johan.

 

If you need help just PM me.. I have plenty of material for you to use on Johan

He has been flirting with me for years so I have had a chance to pen some comebacks...

[Kamille]

 

I know you don't even want to think about dating right now, and that's a smart decision. It's a great time to get back to focusing on your job- that's been your priority for a while, and there is no time like the present to prioritize your job "guilt free".

 

You've got that right sister. And the advantage? If I work well at this job, maybe I can stop moving every other year, hence decreasing my chances of having yet another relationship broken by distance. I am done being a bohemian. Well. At least for the time being.

 

We'll talk about it at Starbuck's one day:lmao:

 

I can't wait D. Hopefully we can make it happen next time I'm there. Now I'll have more free time when I visit anyway.

 

If you need help just PM me.. I have plenty of material for you to use on Johan

He has been flirting with me for years so I have had a chance to pen some comebacks...

 

Ah yeah? What have you got?

 

The best I have so far is: "Johan, you always know just what to say to make a girl smile". There's got to be better, something less... Southern belle.

[torn_curtain]

I think it's really painful when a partner slowly detaches before ending a relationship, especially when you pick it up early on and they deny that anything is up until the end so you feel like a crazy person. You can drive yourself insane wondering "am I just being hypervigilant, unreasonable and this is what a normal relationship with some healthy space is like?" I'd much rather someone immediately told me once their doubts became solid so I didn't have to endure months of uncertainty/anxiety and then feeling deceived when it turns out you were right.

[Citizen Erased]

If you need help just PM me.. I have plenty of material for you to use on Johan

He has been flirting with me for years so I have had a chance to pen some comebacks...

 

I knew there was something going on between you two.

[D-Lish]

I think it's really painful when a partner slowly detaches before ending a relationship, especially when you pick it up early on and they deny that anything is up until the end so you feel like a crazy person. You can drive yourself insane wondering "am I just being hypervigilant, unreasonable and this is what a normal relationship with some healthy space is like?" I'd much rather someone immediately told me once their doubts became solid so I didn't have to endure months of uncertainty/anxiety and then feeling deceived when it turns out you were right.

 

People in general rarely do that TC.

 

I'll be out with my male friends and they'll complain about their gf's, and I'll always say "Have you addressed this with your gf???" The answer is always no. It's ridiculous that they feel free to vent to me, but don't feel they can talk to their own partner about it.

 

I can't tell you how many times I've had a partner just go crazy and spew a long list of things that bothered them that have dated back since the beginning- yet they've all of a sudden chosen to address everything in the break up speech.

 

It's frustrating because I think to myself, why the hell didn't you address all these issues as they arose- because I would have worked with you to change things....

 

A little honest communication could have saved the relationship.

[Kamille]

I think it's really painful when a partner slowly detaches before ending a relationship, especially when you pick it up early on and they deny that anything is up until the end so you feel like a crazy person. You can drive yourself insane wondering "am I just being hypervigilant, unreasonable and this is what a normal relationship with some healthy space is like?" I'd much rather someone immediately told me once their doubts became solid so I didn't have to endure months of uncertainty/anxiety and then feeling deceived when it turns out you were right.

 

It's true, and I understand what you mean, and I go through moments of feeling extremely angry at him for not owning up to what was happening and at myself for not realizing what was causing me to feel jealous and possessive.

 

But mostly, right now, I just feel relieved that if finally all makes sense. I wasn't crazy on those days when I felt jealous. I was sensing the emotional distancing. I wasn't assessing the situation correctly or handling it very well, but something was off.

 

And, to be fair, he did fight to make the LDR work for over a year. If I ignore my hurt ego, deep down, I think he just understood the hopelessness of our situation before I did. I don't understand why he hung on in such a passive aggressive way for so long, but, yeah, I think we both deserve a relationship that doesn't feel hollow.

 

A part of me is kind of excited at the thought that maybe one day in the distant future, I can have a normal relationship, one that involves two people living in the same town, hell, maybe even the same house, building a life together.

Edited October 6, 2011 by Kamille

[LittleTiger]

We broke up. The last couple of weeks have been particularly ridiculous in terms of how distant he got. I could even say the last few months. I am surprisingly fine with it being over. My understanding is that he had been checking out for awhile now, which was causing me to have trust issues. It took me a long time to catch on. Basically, I believe he wanted out but didn't own up to it.

 

I'm fine. I feel like at least I fought my hardest for our connection and he didn't. I was true to myself throughout. And now I am free to make my life here.

 

I really don't have much to say or discuss. I just thought I would let you guys know. It is what it is. And it is for the best.

 

Sorry to hear this Kamille. Glad you're doing ok though.

[HeavenOrHell]

Thank you

 

 

 

Hi,

 

I was not familiar with your story so looked up your threads.

 

I found this:

 

 

 

Sorry, didn't mean to upset you and sometimes others are wrong too.

 

Good luck with your LDR and hope you'll be together soon.

[Kamille]

I'm a mess today. Can't stop crying.

[Els]

Fortunately, I have a roommate who is taking good care of me, making sure I eat.

 

 

That's great. Friends like that are hard to come by, IMO

 

And, I'm sorry you're feeling bad today *hugs*. IME it's a natural part of the process that you have to go through before the sun shines again. Head up, stay strong!

[Kamille]

IME it's a natural part of the process that you have to go through before the sun shines again. Head up, stay strong!

 

That's what I'm telling myself. It's part of dealing with the loss of what was the most important relationship in my life to date. It's part of recognizing and honoring what he meant to me. I'm trying not to panic, to stay calm, to allow myself to feel this, knowing it will lead to acceptance.

 

I had a lot of work to do up until today, and my rational side was taking over. Today, I can finally relax a little and all these emotions are kicking it.

 

I do realize that what I miss is the relationship when it was good, not what it had become in the past couple of months. I am also angry at him, irrationally, that he was okay with letting what we had wither. Rationally, I know our situation had become hopeless.

[johan]

I'm a mess today. Can't stop crying.

 

Hang in there, K. There are going to be lots of ups and downs. You'll come out of this better than he will, if that's any consolation. Women deal with these things much better than men do.

[Els]

I do realize that what I miss is the relationship when it was good, not what it had become in the past couple of months. I am also angry at him, irrationally, that he was okay with letting what we had wither. Rationally, I know our situation had become hopeless.

 

This is a huge milestone in the coping process. Often we miss what they were, not what they are. And what they were may be beyond retrieval at times, and there is no point holding on for an undetermined period of time waiting for them to 'turn back'.

 

Trust your head and your heart, you have very sound ones from all I've read.

[Kamille]

And what they were may be beyond retrieval at times, and there is no point holding on for an undetermined period of time waiting for them to 'turn back'.

 

 

Thanks J and E.

 

What we were is definitely beyond retrieval, as the indefinite LDR situation that caused him to detach is unchangeable. What was a curse is now one of the good aspect of this healing process. There is/was absolutely no way to make things work. There relationship was situationally doomed to fail. (Not saying others couldn't pull off a long term LDR, but we couldn't.)

[denise_xo]

I'm a mess today. Can't stop crying.

 

Oh Kamille *big tight hug*

[Dust]

I'm a mess today. Can't stop crying.

 

Hmmm. This would be the perfect opportunity for a predatory man to swoop in and take full enjoyment of you.

[Kamille]

Hmmm. This would be the perfect opportunity for a predatory man to swoop in and take full enjoyment of you.

 

That made me laugh.

 

Said predatory man would have to overlook the puffy eyes. He might also be required to give out a long series of comforting hugs and cuddles, with little probability of getting any action.

[Zapbasket]

Hmmm. This would be the perfect opportunity for a predatory man to swoop in and take full enjoyment of you.

 

Oh geez, that's exactly what happened to me, so when I read this I cringed and laughed at the same time! I was so heartbroken over the demise of a long, long-term LDR and was shakily healing when a very charming man 20 years older than me swooped in and pushed all the right buttons. I moved across the country to be with him in a snap decision fueled by my remorse over having NOT moved for my LDR boyfriend. And oh, what a mess it all turned out to be!

 

Not that I think this is going to happen to you, Kamille. I'd read earlier in the summer your thread about your relationship troubles and my heart went out to you then, and goes out to you now. Nothing feels worse than sensing the other person detaching but not giving you any glimpse into their thoughts. You feel like you must be crazy and you're always anxious...but that's the perfectly natural response when you care.

 

I hear you on never being in another LDR again. Of course, you can't help who you fall in love with.... But generally, LDRs invite distance because all the little things couples do to enforce their bond are inaccessible to the LD couple. At best, it's a great challenge, and the relationship only has a hope of working out if there is a clear end set to the LD situation.

 

I admire you for just ending it rather than letting the situation slide downhill further until he was completely detached from you. I know how difficult that is to do, because as long as at least some mutual attachment is there, you can't help feeling that little glimmer of hope so intoxicating in an LDR--that IF ONLY you were in the same city everything would be so, so good.

 

Hang in there.