Author Kamille Posted October 6, 2011 Author Share Posted October 6, 2011 Oh geez, that's exactly what happened to me, so when I read this I cringed and laughed at the same time! I was so heartbroken over the demise of a long, long-term LDR and was shakily healing when a very charming man 20 years older than me swooped in and pushed all the right buttons. I moved across the country to be with him in a snap decision fueled by my remorse over having NOT moved for my LDR boyfriend. And oh, what a mess it all turned out to be! You're kidding! Thanks for sharing this, which is a good cautionary tale. Note to self: be careful who I let into my life. I somehow have a vision of someone who will make it simpler, happier, uncomplicated. Someone who will just fit into my life, the same way I would just fit into his. It's simple. I want someone who'll make me smile. But that's not for anytime soon. Right now: priority number 1: heal. Priority number 2: work. Not that I think this is going to happen to you, Kamille. I'd read earlier in the summer your thread about your relationship troubles and my heart went out to you then, and goes out to you now. Nothing feels worse than sensing the other person detaching but not giving you any glimpse into their thoughts. You feel like you must be crazy and you're always anxious...but that's the perfectly natural response when you care. To be fair, he did tell me, that one time, about the troubles he was having. We came up with a bunch of solutions that we somehow never got to implement (per his detaching himself). He was already too detached. I misread the whole thing. I admire you for just ending it rather than letting the situation slide downhill further until he was completely detached from you. I know how difficult that is to do, because as long as at least some mutual attachment is there, you can't help feeling that little glimmer of hope so intoxicating in an LDR--that IF ONLY you were in the same city everything would be so, so good. Hang in there. Thanks GC. I seriously don't know how long he would have hung on and how far he would have pushed me had I not done anything. It's crystal clear to me now that he wanted out, probably since that talk earlier in the summer. I just don't understand why he left it up to me to piece it all together and end things. Link to post Share on other sites
cerridwen Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 (edited) Would you like me to keep singing to you? I'm so sorry you're sad. Edited October 6, 2011 by cerridwen Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 Hi Kamille... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamille Posted October 6, 2011 Author Share Posted October 6, 2011 Hi C. So sweet, but I don't want any other song than the one I got yesterday. I'll just go read it again. . Hi AC... Ah, there it is, that quote. One day. Stopped crying. Am feeling numb from all the tears. All I can do is doze on and off while reading, but it feels good to have a somewhat vacant mind. I remember reading somewhere that researchers think that's precisely the point of tears: they release chemicals which make us feel calmer and tired. Anyway, thank you all for your support. It really means a lot right now. And hopefully, this is as bad as it gets. Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 (((((((((Kamille))))))))) Link to post Share on other sites
Zapbasket Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 You're kidding! Thanks for sharing this, which is a good cautionary tale. Note to self: be careful who I let into my life. I somehow have a vision of someone who will make it simpler, happier, uncomplicated. Someone who will just fit into my life, the same way I would just fit into his. It's simple. I want someone who'll make me smile. But that's not for anytime soon. Right now: priority number 1: heal. Priority number 2: work. The great thing you have going for you, based on what you said in your previous thread on your relationship, is that career-wise it sounds like you're exactly where you belong. It's a positive environment where you are valued and where you can make the kinds of contributions you care about. Hopefully it also is gratifying socially...but if not, then now you are unfettered from joining social groups, throwing yourself into your hobbies, etc. Don't underestimate the greatness of those things as you heal from this break-up. Your life is very rich right now even if for the time being it *feels* empty. Thanks GC. I seriously don't know how long he would have hung on and how far he would have pushed me had I not done anything. It's crystal clear to me now that he wanted out, probably since that talk earlier in the summer. I just don't understand why he left it up to me to piece it all together and end things. It would have been much more honorable of him to have kindly broken things off once it struck him how futile it would be to get more invested given your current respective situations. And you know, one thing I didn't like from your earlier thread was that it sounded like he expected YOU to do all the accommodating. It sounded like it was never on the table that HE move to be with YOU, especially since you finally landed such a great career situation...something we all know in academia is a rare and wonderful blessing. I've had much reason to think about this, and I have thought deeply about it, and you know, I don't believe that "if only you loved each other enough" you would do everything it took to make the relationship work and to be in the same city. The adage that "love is not enough" really speaks truth, I believe. The best relationships grow organically out of the fertile soil of two full, happy lives and between two people who feel fulfilled in all that they do. And that fertile soil becomes very difficult to till and keep fertile when the relationship is long distance. Sometimes it's right to make a big leap to be with your far-away love...and sometimes it's far, far more right, no matter how much you love each other and perhaps even BECAUSE you love each other, to let one another go in order for you both to blossom freely into the best that you are. Sounds cheesy, so unbelievably cheesy, I know...but I think it's the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
pandagirl Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 Aw, Kamille. I've been taking a break from LS lately, but I'm sorry to see this news great me today! You're a great person, and I know you are going to get through this with flying colors, but it does suck. Having gone through my own LDR breakup last year, I know how frustrating these relationships are. Like no matter what you did or the compromises you made, you just couldn't make it work. But at least you know you did everything you could to TRY to make it work. At least now you can perhaps feel less guilt in your life and really focus on your career -- which seems to be going great! Be sad, eat some ice cream, and dance in your underwear. I swear, it makes you feel better! haha. Link to post Share on other sites
torn_curtain Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 I'm a mess today. Can't stop crying. I'm feeling sympathy pain reading your thread. ((Kamille)) Just remember the only way out is through. You're doing well, just let the emotion wash over you. Link to post Share on other sites
Dust Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 That made me laugh. Said predatory man would have to overlook the puffy eyes. He might also be required to give out a long series of comforting hugs and cuddles, with little probability of getting any action. Oh yeah we can just talk and if you need a shoulder to cry on I’m there… (evil grin) Oh geez, that's exactly what happened to me, so when I read this I cringed and laughed at the same time! Yeah I have that effect on women some times. You're kidding! Thanks for sharing this, which is a good cautionary tale. Note to self: be careful who I let into my life. I somehow have a vision of someone who will make it simpler, happier, uncomplicated. Someone who will just fit into my life, the same way I would just fit into his. It's simple. I want someone who'll make me smile. But that's not for anytime soon. Right now: priority number 1: heal. Priority number 2: work. I'm looking to complicate your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamille Posted October 7, 2011 Author Share Posted October 7, 2011 This update, again, stolen from what I wrote in Cracker 21's thread, after she kindly asked me how I was doing. Cracker and I were both in a LDR and we both broke up on the same day. She deserves loads of support. Her thread is here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t300939/ As for me, I'm doing way better today than I was yesterday. I'm not in the clear yet, but I'm hoping the worse is over. One of the ironic advantages of LDR is that I will never have to know what he is up to in the future. I'm trying to focus on letting go, on not letting my ego get in the way. I also feel quite confident in my capacity to be happy on my own. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever meet anyone ever again, than I realize one thing: I am in no rush, I know I have a lot to offer anyone and that the next guy I let into my life will be a very lucky guy. I have loads of plans for this weekend which should definitely help me stay sane. The weather is gorgeous here, the leaves are changing color, and most of the plans involve being outdoors. My work load in the upcoming weeks is also minimal compared to what it has been, and I made an appointment with a therapist. I'm feeling proud of my capacity to take care of myself right now. Ex and I have agreed to meet up one last time to say goodbye and then let each other go. We both feel it's for the best to break up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamille Posted October 7, 2011 Author Share Posted October 7, 2011 I'm looking to complicate your life. It's a good thing you live miles away then! I can't help but feel you know would have a blast if ever we got to hang out together. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 Just saw this, K. I'm sorry to hear it didn't work out, but glad to see you handling it well. (hug) Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 Ex and I have agreed to meet up one last time to say goodbye and then let each other go. We both feel it's for the best to break up. Do you think this is really all that good of an idea? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamille Posted October 7, 2011 Author Share Posted October 7, 2011 Do you think this is really all that good of an idea? I refused at first but yes, considering we don't live in the same town I think it's a nice way to end things. I have to go to his city for work in the next few weeks for work anyways, and will be staying at a friend's (who also recently just broke off an LDR). I really really really feel breaking up is for the best. It's almost like the dust is settling an I can breathe again, after the turmoil of the last few months. LDR are tough tough work. Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 Very sorry to hear this news, Kamille~~~ may your heart heal swiftly........ Link to post Share on other sites
sweetjasmine Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 I'm really sorry to hear this, Kamille, but I think you did the right thing. You're an amazing, strong person, and I really admire you. *hugs* Hopefully meeting up will give you some closure. Link to post Share on other sites
Dust Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 It's a good thing you live miles away then! I can't help but feel you know would have a blast if ever we got to hang out together. Yeah we’ll drive around the neighborhood smashing mailbox’s with a golf club. We are far apart but I’d fly over to take advantage of you while you’re so vulnerable. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 I refused at first but yes, considering we don't live in the same town I think it's a nice way to end things. I have to go to his city for work in the next few weeks for work anyways, and will be staying at a friend's (who also recently just broke off an LDR). I really really really feel breaking up is for the best. It's almost like the dust is settling an I can breathe again, after the turmoil of the last few months. LDR are tough tough work. Hi Kamille.... You know yourself better than we do and besides.. We all have done the "one last meetup" to say goodbye to someone we broke up with.. Just make sure that the meetup ends it with a clean break and doesn't leave any loose ends... Those loose ends would keep you in a tailspin and wouldn't be healthy.. Have a good weekend... Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 I got closure from seeing my ex (mind you it was months later)... But it might be good in the long run to do this for both of you. You'll have sex... Just so you know:o Link to post Share on other sites
Dust Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 I got closure from seeing my ex (mind you it was months later)... But it might be good in the long run to do this for both of you. You'll have sex... Just so you know:o Oh dear D-Lish Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 You'll have sex... Just so you know:o Says the 69th post on this thread She may not.. her head seems pretty level right now... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamille Posted October 9, 2011 Author Share Posted October 9, 2011 Are you guys taking bets? Today I'm struggling with: "Oh my god. I'm single! How am I ever going to meet a new guy???" Had a great day though. Hung out with a few friends. Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted October 9, 2011 Share Posted October 9, 2011 You'll have sex... Just so you know:o Yes she will. It might not be with the ex. Says the 69th post on this thread She may not.. her head seems pretty level right now... I disagree but I'll place my bet with the 69th poster. Are you guys taking bets? Today I'm struggling with: "Oh my god. I'm single! How am I ever going to meet a new guy???" Had a great day though. Hung out with a few friends. Of course we're taking bets. Meeting a new guy is easy, meeting the right guy is not. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted October 9, 2011 Share Posted October 9, 2011 When are you going to have your one last get together? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamille Posted October 9, 2011 Author Share Posted October 9, 2011 Yes she will. It might not be with the ex. I disagree but I'll place my bet with the 69th poster. Of course we're taking bets. Meeting a new guy is easy, meeting the right guy is not. You guys cheer me up. So true about meeting guys, and I'm definitely more interested in the right one than any new one. When are you going to have your one last get together? In two weeks. Am also hoping to meet up with the 69th poster around that time. She might get the scoop before the rest of you. Link to post Share on other sites
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