Confessions of a bad boy friend...

[sour_pikle]

I'm am not projecting my "Character" on her at all...it's a fact...she has admitted to it already. No debate over that.

 

My update would be..I love the kid, he's great..haven't done the "test"..no need for that..he looks like me the poor bugger! lol..problem is I think I hate her...I dont wish bad upon her but I know that meeting her was the worst thing that has happened in along time. I'm not going to blame her for my cheating cause that was all me, but since I have met this woman, I have been in a downward spiral of depression.

 

It's constant war with her, she dosen't love me either..this I know.. she tells me every second day that she hates me or calls me down in some sort of way that only people that are close enough to you know it will hurt you inside.

 

We have both lost all our friends because of this...I have no family and no one to talk to or get advice about this, people dont like being around toxic realationships.

 

Fact is, I still love my ex, I'm not over her but I know that we will never get back together, I have faced that reality but it dosen't make it any easier to swallow thats for sure.

 

I dont know why I'm here to ramble about this? I guess it's the only place in the world I can talk about the issues I have going on.

 

Can I tell you guys a secret...I know I'm a loser for doing this...but I still call my ex's phone every month or two to see if she has changed her number...I never let it go past one ring...just feels good to know there is a small tiny little link let there. I wonder why she hasn't changed that as she has moved to a differnt province 14 hrs away.

 

The easy thing to do would be to say, it's a bad realationship. get out now while you still can..rebuild yourself and find someone that you haven't hurt and build a healthy "real" relationship that makes you happy..but then I'm the one who gets to live with out his son for the rest of my life. sure I'll visit and see him...but if you had to do it would it be that easy?

[Owl]

I'm am not projecting my "Character" on her at all...it's a fact...she has admitted to it already. No debate over that.

 

My update would be..I love the kid, he's great..haven't done the "test"..no need for that..he looks like me the poor bugger! lol..problem is I think I hate her...I dont wish bad upon her but I know that meeting her was the worst thing that has happened in along time. I'm not going to blame her for my cheating cause that was all me, but since I have met this woman, I have been in a downward spiral of depression.

 

It's constant war with her, she dosen't love me either..this I know.. she tells me every second day that she hates me or calls me down in some sort of way that only people that are close enough to you know it will hurt you inside.

 

We have both lost all our friends because of this...I have no family and no one to talk to or get advice about this, people dont like being around toxic realationships.

 

Fact is, I still love my ex, I'm not over her but I know that we will never get back together, I have faced that reality but it dosen't make it any easier to swallow thats for sure.

 

I dont know why I'm here to ramble about this? I guess it's the only place in the world I can talk about the issues I have going on.

 

Can I tell you guys a secret...I know I'm a loser for doing this...but I still call my ex's phone every month or two to see if she has changed her number...I never let it go past one ring...just feels good to know there is a small tiny little link let there. I wonder why she hasn't changed that as she has moved to a differnt province 14 hrs away.

 

The easy thing to do would be to say, it's a bad realationship. get out now while you still can..rebuild yourself and find someone that you haven't hurt and build a healthy "real" relationship that makes you happy..but then I'm the one who gets to live with out his son for the rest of my life. sure I'll visit and see him...but if you had to do it would it be that easy?

 

My only thought after reading this is a simple one.

 

If you change nothing...nothing changes.

 

What are you DOING to change this situation?

[2long]

The easy thing to do would be to say, it's a bad realationship. get out now while you still can..rebuild yourself and find someone that you haven't hurt and build a healthy "real" relationship that makes you happy..but then I'm the one who gets to live with out his son for the rest of my life. sure I'll visit and see him...but if you had to do it would it be that easy?

 

Ac2ally, I was going 2 suggest you consider becoming a buddhist monk and moving 2 Tibet for a few years (e.g., The Razor's Edge (1984) - IMDb).

 

You're not ready for a relationship yet.

 

-ol' 2long

[stillafool]

Sour Pike, you need to man up and leave. Go for shared custody of your child, pay child support. Do you still make alot of money? I hope so because you have a son to support. There is no good reason to stay in this completely unhealthy relationship. It will not be healthy for the baby either having the two of you fighting every night. Why should a little baby have to absorb that kind of negativity. Start looking for a place to live and start planning what your next steps will be for you and the baby. Once you move out and have a chance to relax a bit the dreams about your ex may cease.

 

 

About your ex......she has not forgotten you either. I think you both were somewhat saving face by acting so cheerful during your contact when probably both of your hearts were bleeding. Not that she would want you back after what you've put her through and now a BABY?! You have to let her go but you didn't have to pretend that things are great in your life when they weren't. You are not ready for her because at that point your pride was still more important than your love for her. Move on and move forward and I'm sure you will feel better. You now know that when you do meet another girl and fall in love you will never cheat on her. Right?

[sour_pikle]

I feel like stewie in an episode of family guy...he goes nuts arguing that he was singing on key...so much so that he ends up in a straight jacket...Brian being the level headed guy he is...goes to stewie and rings out the note in the correct key for him to hear loud and clear...in an instant he realizes he was wrong the whole time...that he was infact singing his note flat the whole time..his ear could just not pick it up with out a little help!

[Owl]

Love the cartoon reference....what's your status? What have you changed in order to create change?

[sour_pikle]

I've changed...in a way that only time can change a person. Spending the last three years feeling sorry for myself has done nothing..it literally feels like a complete blur...one minute im in an aprtment going to college with my girl friend..the next morning i wake up with a completly different woman and a smiling baby...and for quite some time I was looking at things in the wrong light...She is gone and never coming back...she never was coming back..

 

I probabyly never really wanted her to come back or I never would have let her go. My son needs me and its time to stop the self pitty thing...i guess that what being an adult is. I'm hoping i've learned from my mistakes.

[veryhappy]

Oh give me a break. And she had to put up with this while she was pregnant, and having a baby?

 

Why aren't you in IC yet?

 

Let me explain what happened: you cheated on your exgf because you were unsure you wanted to be with her. Not enough sexual experience too. You wanted to explore, see your options, but like any other coward man out there, why be a man and break up? Nooo, it's easier to cheat.

 

Now, the OW is good to you, makes it work, but that's not good enough for you. You get buyer remorse, and obsess over a woman that you were constantly fighting with and not wanting to see prior to cheating. You put that relationship on a pedestal and made it something it wasn't.

 

As a former OW, I'd suggest you break up with the mother of your child. You are a pos and you put her through enough.

 

Pay child support and get out, go be with your ex, and reality will hit you that she might not want you or this little magic make believe life you have in your head has no base in the past or in reality. I'm willing to hear a happy ending, but regardless put an end to the treatment to the mother of your child. You say you take responsibility forcheating, but you don't. You dumped it all on her, and make her life miserable.

Edited October 11, 2012 by cutedragon

[sour_pikle]

Oh give me a break. And she had to put up with this while she was pregnant, and having a baby?

 

Why aren't you in IC yet?

 

Let me explain what happened: you cheated on your exgf because you were unsure you wanted to be with her. Not enough sexual experience too. You wanted to explore, see your options, but like any other coward man out there, why be a man and break up? Nooo, it's easier to cheat.

 

Now, the OW is good to you, makes it work, but that's not good enough for you. You get buyer remorse, and obsess over a woman that you were constantly fighting with and not wanting to see prior to cheating. You put that relationship on a pedestal and made it something it wasn't.

 

As a former OW, I'd suggest you break up with the mother of your child. You are a pos and you put her through enough.

 

Pay child support and get out, go be with your ex, and reality will hit you that she might not want you or this little magic make believe life you have in your head has no base in the past or in reality. I'm willing to hear a happy ending, but regardless put an end to the treatment to the mother of your child. You say you take responsibility forcheating, but you don't. You dumped it all on her, and make her life miserable.

 

WOW...man hater much???...I did what I did...I felt bad and stil do....I have made many efforts to make things better with the mother of my child and will continue to do so..for the betterment of our AND our sons life... . for some of us that is possible...im sorry things are so black & white for you....life is never what you wanted it to be...I made some poor judgement calls in my life..but they all seem to have made me a better person once I allowed myself to learn from them...lol...but I can argee with you..it was a pos move!

[veryhappy]

Life is not always what you wanted it to be...there's a problem if "life is never what you wanted it to be".

 

Sorry for the tone, I realized after posting that I got a little bit too passionate...Just decide where you want to be, and give yourself to that. There's no point in living with the mother of your child, and dreaming of your ex. No woman deserves that, even if she was an OW. You need to be mentally where you are physically.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

The big mistake in the last relationship, was not focusing on the relationship but letting your attention drift outside.

 

The big mistake in this relationship....is EXACTLY THE SAME F*CKING THING.

 

Be in love with the woman you are with, and the kid you brought into the world. If that takes putting the past behind you, do it, and do it now.

 

You give energy to what you think about: you are obsessing with something outside of your current relationship, to it's inevitable detriment.

 

You are repeating the exact same mistake again, dummy. You can and should stop that now. Learn, man for the love of God.

 

As another poster said, you now have "buyer's remorse" and prefer the previous model, you now think. Well, you aren't going to be getting back together with the ex now that you have a kid with the OW, after staying with the OW for years. So as yet another poster said, time to man up.

 

Wishing you clarity of thought and strength in your resolve, here.

Edited October 11, 2012 by TiredFamilyGuy

[sadguy82]

I stopped reading the thread after you said the pregnancy might have another potential source....Well my friend I pray for you that it's not yours. Loosing your first love regarding how it ended will never fade. First love is something special to us all even if we hurt those people or likewise the bond will always be there. If it's not yours wish her well and go out there and get your old girl back...

[StormySeas]

"Do I go for what I know my heart wants?"

 

I can't believe that you're even writing that comment with a pregnant girlfriend. Clearly you want to try again with your ex, and don't care about the damage that would cause to the mother of your child and your unborn son or daughter. I cannot believe that you would even consider this, but I can tell you that if you're thinking all of this now while your GF is pregnant, then the stress of having a child is going to destroy your relationship anyway unless you get the help/therapy that others have suggested. You need to work on you and your issues before you can be a worthy partner to either woman. I would suggest you start therapy now and commit to many months of that before you ever think about if your ex is right for you. You owe the mother of your child and that child to work on you and get you head straight as soon as possible. I'm not saying you need to stay with your girlfriend forever, but right now, you need to support her. Take the time while she's pregnant to not make any decisions without the guidance of professional help. But for the love of God, try to think with more than yourself in mind because there are three of you that you need to be thinking about right now. And the third is your unborn child, not your ex girlfriend.

[sour_pikle]

lol...this is a time when I wish I was religous and I could say that "god will work it out"! lol..but he won't...no mystry here...

 

I screwed up..cheated on a girl that i loved cause i was young, stupid and selfish and lost her...instead of learning from that..i then stayed with the woman i cheated on her with cause i was afraid to be alone and got her pregnant...and the whole time i sat on my hands and did nothing to stop the downward spiral that i had caused for myself. At the time it didnt seem that way to me...but when you focus enough, everything becomes clear. depression has been digging its claws in for quite some time...

 

People say I have "buyers remorse" or "grass is greener on the other side" syndrome...

 

I on the otherhand feel tha,t what me and my ex had WAS VERY real and was true love...it just didn't have a happy ending that we hoped for...rather, a very distorted Jerry springer version of what I/we wanted. and I blame my youth, arrogance, stupidity, and just plain lack of knowledge about how relationships are supposed to function normally for the reason I made such a horrible choice to cheat on someone that i could of very well been with for my entire life.

 

Its not that I dont still love her...aside from the obvious reason why we wont get back together (baby, OW, years apart, cheating), I just know that if it ever did happen...the trust would be gone...

 

I just hope that I didnt screw her chance of finding love down the road cause she wasted it all on me...that would be the daggar through the heart...i deserve to be miserable..no one else.

 

I'm letting go...

[sour_pikle]

"Do I go for what I know my heart wants?"

 

I can't believe that you're even writing that comment with a pregnant girlfriend. Clearly you want to try again with your ex, and don't care about the damage that would cause to the mother of your child and your unborn son or daughter. I cannot believe that you would even consider this, but I can tell you that if you're thinking all of this now while your GF is pregnant, then the stress of having a child is going to destroy your relationship anyway unless you get the help/therapy that others have suggested. You need to work on you and your issues before you can be a worthy partner to either woman. I would suggest you start therapy now and commit to many months of that before you ever think about if your ex is right for you. You owe the mother of your child and that child to work on you and get you head straight as soon as possible. I'm not saying you need to stay with your girlfriend forever, but right now, you need to support her. Take the time while she's pregnant to not make any decisions without the guidance of professional help. But for the love of God, try to think with more than yourself in mind because there are three of you that you need to be thinking about right now. And the third is your unborn child, not your ex girlfriend.

 

 

son is five months old...

[StormySeas]

Whoops! Apparently I didn't read the thread very well!!!

[veggirl]

G R O W U P.

 

How old are you? Honestly.

 

Being in a toxic relationship with the "OW" is not a healthy environment for your SON. Break up with her, if you live together then move out, and figure out a custody arrangement.

[peterbaynosa]

Not the ex and not the other woman. You couldn't stand being by yourself so when things got rough and you broke with the ex at first you found another gf immediately, got back with the ex but kept each gf a secret from the other so you could have some insurance. Now when they found out and your original gf dumped you, you decided to cash in your policy and made the second choice your main squeeze. But now you feel sorry for yourself because you want your original girlfriend more. And if you got back with her of course you would miss something else. I can relate so I'm not just bashing you. I can't do anything for you than to offer my summary, hopefully this is a temporary phase in your life and you will get smarter and more in tune with what's going on inside yourself later. Take it easy try and learn something.

[sour_pikle]

Not the ex and not the other woman. You couldn't stand being by yourself so when things got rough and you broke with the ex at first you found another gf immediately, got back with the ex but kept each gf a secret from the other so you could have some insurance. Now when they found out and your original gf dumped you, you decided to cash in your policy and made the second choice your main squeeze. But now you feel sorry for yourself because you want your original girlfriend more. And if you got back with her of course you would miss something else. I can relate so I'm not just bashing you. I can't do anything for you than to offer my summary, hopefully this is a temporary phase in your life and you will get smarter and more in tune with what's going on inside yourself later. Take it easy try and learn something.

 

I am sad for myself...but because I always learn the hard way. Funny how your never as smart as you think.

[Scarlett5]

Jeeeez, the things people do to avoid being single. That's just weak. MAN UP and grow a pair. Do everyone involved a favour - be on your own for a while and sort your act out. Clinging on to a destructive relationship because your ex is no longer an 'option' is not the way forward.

[Scarlett5]

AND - kids start picking up the dynamics of their parent's relationship pretty much from day one. They then go on to learn the same unhealthy behaviours and repeat those same patterns in their adult life. Sound like a reason to stay 'for your son'? Thought not.

[sour_pikle]

It's never as simple as one may think Scarlette. Live with your son for the first six months of his life and then come back and tell me that walking away is as simple and obvious as you make it.

 

I think I owe it to my son to stay and be in his life, cause if I leave she will do everything in her power to keep me from him as long as possible. The system sucks when it comes to these issues. We break up, she leaves to her parents, makes big long sob story up to any fool that will listen and buy her narcsisstic bull****. She is female and the mother so, naturally I AM the bad guy in any and all instances as long as she pre-emptivly makes up a story before the truth can be told.

 

I know she has some sort of narcissistic personallity disorded that makes her fel the need to be the victim of any and all situations. (i.e. I called you a loser and a faggot infront of your son, BUT if you had only done this or said this then I wouldn't have had to act like that)

 

I feel like if I can keep my cool, gather enough eveidence of her behavior and present it to her and her family in a way that cannot be ignored maybe she will seek help and change her self for the future of her son, if not for her future relationships.

 

And yes, the recording device is now on when she enters the room......

[TexasCountryGirl]

 

you mentioned Karma in one of your post ...

The good ole ... what comes around goes around !!!

Have you ever stopped and backed up from this whole situation ?!?!?!?

in reading through all of this thread ... several things come to mind!

 

1: the regret .. the guilt .. I don't know if those feeling will ever subside ... but maybe it's best that they never fully go away! Like you said ... let it be a consistent reminder of the heart you broke. (that poor girl who loved you .. yet you betrayed!) Maybe that in itself is Karma returning for you!

 

2: the life you now live... A child is the most precious gift anyone could ever receive / experience. I understand your need and want to stay for that child ... but staying for that child alone will do more damage than you can even imagine! If you are not happy and cannot find happiness in your new life ... then stand up and own it !!! Quit living a lie !!! The lies are what got you into this mess to beginning with !!! Life is not perfect .. Life is not always fair ... however trying to stay only for the child is only asking for more of the stupid mistakes (as you called it!) sorry if that sounds harsh ... but come on !!! early on you stated that you had learned your lesson and that you would never ever cheat again ... so correct me if I am wrong ... but seems like I read on one of your more recent post about how "an affair" was back on your mind (primarily because you aren't happy and keep thinking about your EX) !!!!!

 

3: Last but not least ... STOP ... look .. and listen to yourself !!! the answers that you are seeking are within you!!!

no one can choose your path of life ... only you have control over it ... No one can change you .. only you can change yourself ...

Stop hurting the people around you ...

you destroyed your Ex's life with your betrayal ... you are destroying any chances of having a happy family now because you are "thriving on ex" ...

you are going to destroy you son's perspective of his father when the time comes and you fall off the wagon and end up having another affair !!!

 

again I don't mean to sound so harsh ... but maybe everything that you are going through can be simply defined under the laws of Karma. You get what you give ... you gave destruction and heart ache ... therefore it sounds like you yourself are receiving that same payback (maybe even 10 fold)

 

[sour_pikle]

yes, that thought has crossed my mind many times during horrible blow ups at home. I often think to myself, "this is what it felt like for her" or "this is what I get for cheating on her" during arguments. Karma.

 

But then why have I been given this son? what did I do to deserve him? Perhaps, I've been given the chance to help someone not make the same stupid mistakes I did? Perhaps that is MY karma? It's the only good I can see in this mess!

[TexasCountryGirl]

But then why have I been given this son? what did I do to deserve him?

 

first and foremost ... your son is a beautiful gift that never asked for any of this .. .so be grateful for the gift and cherish every moment. Children grow up way too fast!

Don't confuse the "gift of your son" with everything else that is going on.

 

Take this into consideration:

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction ... your actions from the past have come back around and you are paying for them in an equal yet opposite way!

I don't think it really matters if you are 4 years into a relationship or 20 years in ... the devastation is the same.

it destroyed me .. every sense of me! I was lost and confused ... and although I knew it wasn't my fault I begin to question myself. I can relate to every aspect of what your Ex must have one through and felt.

In the same respect I have watched my husband and the past 2.5 years have been so extremely difficult for him. NOT because he still think about the OW .. but the burden of the guilt and knowing how bad he hurt me and our family is something that has been extremely difficult to come to terms with!

That being said .. you may - or may not - ever find the inner peace that you seem to be desperately seeking!!! The guilt and the hurt may be your pay back (so to speak).

 

Maybe you have been given such a beautiful gift (a son) to have that chance NOT just to raise him .. but to teach him!

Children don't just grow up as "responsible adults!" They must be taught!

You teach your children and raise them based upon your own beliefs .. and sometimes based upon your own experiences in life.

(I though this would be relatively easier to type out and explain ... but I am finding it rather difficult !!!)

 

Let try this ...

Hurricane Sandy has just hit the east cost and thousands and thousands of families have lost everything. Do you know what that's like ? Do you know their pain and what they must be dealing with ? Most likely unless you have lived in a direct path of a hurricane and lived through something like this yourself ... the answer is NO!!!

You feel sorry for them and you try to imagine what it would be like .. but unless you have walked in their shoes ... how could you really know !!!

The flip side of that is that I myself HAVE walked in those shoes !!! My home flooded in 2001 and I lost everything ! So I can absolutely relate and understand both the physical and emotional devastation that goes along with a life event such as that! I don't just say man that stinks .. or oh I am so sorry that that has happened to all of those families ... It's like in your mind you know man that must really suck ... or oh my goodness my heart goes out to those people ... but to really grasp the effects of something like that ... I think you need to be able to actually walk in those same shoes !!!

 

In relation to an affair ...

If you had never had one ... or never betrayed someone ... could you honestly relate to an affair or understand the damages of an affair to the extent that you do now? Most likely the answer would be "No!"

With that said ... anyone can teach children basic "rights" from "wrongs." You on the other hand have a little more of an in depth background to base "right" and "wrong" off of !!!

generally speaking ... I hope that this affair has taught you that it was not just "you" that this affected ...

everything in life should be a learning lesson! Take with you your own lesson in life and find a way to apply them in being able to teach others (your son, your friend, your co-workers, etc.etc.)

AND NO - I am not telling you to use the affair and teach your son about "affairs based upon your own experiences!!!" I am simply speaking in general when it comes to "right" and "wrong" .. sometimes "bad decision" affect so many other people than just "you" !!!

 

Maybe having a son and having the ability to teach a child "right" and "wrong" and how the bad decision affect others ... maybe that is a tool for you to grow / heal / find some peace.