ShatteredReality Posted October 26, 2011 Share Posted October 26, 2011 I scheduled my first counselling appointment today! Working on myself and gain some trust in relationships and myself is top priority now! Glad to hear it. I know it'll be difficult to form an adequate bond with the baby until you know if you're the father or not...but try not to analyze every feature and decide from that. Newborns can look like mother/father/no one at all in particular. You've got time...work on you - don't just take whatever the counselor says without really honestly thinking about it - and you will come out of this situation a better person. Link to post Share on other sites
Tibby321 Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 I feel I'm like the second women in your story. My husband had a long term affair while married to his wife who died. He ended it when his wife became ill but started seeing her again when she died. He says it didnt work out and he ended it before he met me due to large arguments (i do wonder). I suspect he is still seeing her which is tearing me apart. He married me but yes he like you could be still feeling the loss of her. I feel until he lets go we can not truely be as one and move forward with our marriage. The lady you are with now who is going to be the mother of your child needs to be the one who has your thoughts and loving attention. Show love and you will love her more and she to you. Dont hurt her or your self by giving any more thought to your ex. Take care of your family unit, it is precious! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sour_pikle Posted November 7, 2011 Author Share Posted November 7, 2011 I feel I'm like the second women in your story. My husband had a long term affair while married to his wife who died. He ended it when his wife became ill but started seeing her again when she died. He says it didnt work out and he ended it before he met me due to large arguments (i do wonder). I suspect he is still seeing her which is tearing me apart. He married me but yes he like you could be still feeling the loss of her. I feel until he lets go we can not truely be as one and move forward with our marriage. The lady you are with now who is going to be the mother of your child needs to be the one who has your thoughts and loving attention. Show love and you will love her more and she to you. Dont hurt her or your self by giving any more thought to your ex. Take care of your family unit, it is precious! I wish it was a simple as switching my focus on the woman I am with now...but you dont get to pick who you fall in love with. Though I've tried to run from what my heart wants, it only makes it worse on myself...though i may deserve it. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 We live with our "choices" - and YOU chose this woman (#2) and NOW have a baby involved. Yes, we live with our choices. Start living in your choices man! Stop living in your dream world! That is a good place to start! You caused a toboggan harm to gf#1... Let go of that gal. You are nOw with a gal you said you love - so ACT like it! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2long Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 "Happiness isn't getting what you want, it's wanting what you have." I can't remember who that quote is from, but it applies here. Sadly, neither you, your ex GF, or your current GF are relationship material at this point, and you're certainly not marriage material. And the saddest part about it is that there's a baby on the way. You should find out as soon as you can who the father is. If it is you, do what you can 2 take care of the baby. If it's not you, run screaming from the room! You have no idea what love really is. What you describe is about brain chemistry. Romantic love is nothing more lofty than brain chemistry. It fades in a few years. If you don't have real love for one another when the romance fades, you'll spend the rest of your life looking for the chemical high you had when you first "fell in love." And so cheating will become a way of life for you. Real love is a conscious choice, it isn't a feeling at all. -ol' 2long 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sour_pikle Posted December 14, 2011 Author Share Posted December 14, 2011 Its been a few weeks since my last post so I thought I would update you guys and get some direction... The verdict?...we'll Me and GF have been going to counciling which seemed to help for about five minutes...We argue and fight...say mean and horrible, damaging things to each other..I think about her cheating all the time..i dream about my past gf almost every night..as i write this out my stomach cringes at the realization that she is the one that got away....will let you know if the pain goes away or if i can put her behind me and move on and crawl out of this pit of misery im in...... Link to post Share on other sites
weedsandposies Posted December 16, 2011 Share Posted December 16, 2011 The only thing that made me do this (i think) was the fact that i had never been with anyone else really...i didn't know what was out there. This is where your problem lies, not so much your exGF. Perhaps you feel you haven't experienced enough of life? It sounds like you've only dated two women long term, correct? In my opinion you shouldn't contact your exGF just yet. You don't know what's going on in her life right now AND don't think you're sure it's her, or current GF, or that you want to date other women. Leave your ex alone to live her life. What makes you so sure you won't cheat on her again? Whatever you do, if you choose to date other women, you need to leave your GF first. If your heart isn't in the R anymore, leave. Good excuse she cheated and you're having second thoughts. No guilt in being honest to yourself and people around you. Also you're hardly a bad boy. Atleast you have a conscience. You should see some of the crap my friends go through. Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted December 19, 2011 Share Posted December 19, 2011 LOL..you SOOOO remind me of George Costanza on Seinfeld. He was going slowly insane, feeling trapped by his relationship with his fiancee, Susan. He finally manned up and made the break he'd been wanting to make. Within a week, he was moping and crying about what a horrible mistake he'd made, and he'd do ANYTHING to get this girl back because she was 'the one' and he was heartbroken and all that. "hey, if you happen to see the most beautiful girl":lmao: Well, he got her back. And within days, he was right back to crying the blues about how miserable he was with her. It seems you always want what you CAN'T have. The quote someone posted earlier was right on the nose - happiness isn't getting what you want, it's wanting what you've got. "This was suppose to be the summer of George!!!" 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sour_pikle Posted March 28, 2012 Author Share Posted March 28, 2012 Well today I'm feeling good. It's been a little over three months since my last post. Since then, I've decided to remain with my current gf (baby mama) during her pregnancy. I want to be able to say I did the right thing when that child is older. so for now, I have decided to put myself and my selfish additude aside for the sake of this child. Though, I must say our realationship has not progressed forward much at all. Fights are massive, but I've resorted to hiding in my car or taking off for an hour to avoid fighting and name calling that has been coming from her lately. Today, the reason I'm feeling good is cause I was in contact with my ex (the girl i cheated on like an *******). She had sent me an email letting me know that she was moving out of thr province for the summer and that I had a few mailing adress changes to make that were still arriving at our old apartment. I called her cell to ask what mail was still arriving at her apartment as i had no idea there was mail still being adressed to there. Anyway, I kept the call brief and only said nice things usuing my business phone call voice. She explained what mail I needed to change, and also (which I found odd) told me that she was moving at the end of april. I acted uninterested and did not respond aside from saying "right on" and quickly told her to "take care" and tahnks for letting me know I had mail after over a year of it being sent there. Why do I feel good? I'm not sure really we exchanged an email or two after the call and I told her I was glad we were finally able to speak in a civil manner and that I wished her luck with her travels. She casually said where she would be moving to and when she planned on coming back and that she would "catch ya on the flip side ;)". I felt so good just to be on speaking terms with her. Its been over a year since we spoke like we used to. I feel good about it cause i'm maturing I guess..I know that even if love dosen't find away and that were not meant to be, we still have the memories of each other and everything we taught each other about loving another person, the good and the bad. I walked away from my contact with ehr feeling good about where my life was headed and i haven't felf like that in awhile. her forgivness for my actions was a major weight lifted for me....even though I know I still love her..I guess im starting to learn how to love her while not being with her. Now, if I coudl just get me and my gf back on track and figure out things with this baby maybe I'll actually get back to sleeping and eating properly??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sour_pikle Posted May 29, 2012 Author Share Posted May 29, 2012 is anyone reading this??? anyway.... My son was born this month, healthy and happy. I can only thank god for that one, and i'm not even religous at all! lol It is the best and scariest feeling in the world all at the same time. It's even scarier to look at the child and wonder....is he really mine, that kind of thinking can and IS starting to mess me up alittle. Possibly an understandble thought after all the bull**** that led up to my son coming into this world. Still can't get her off my mind....everyday and every dream.....her her her! Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted May 29, 2012 Share Posted May 29, 2012 DNA test results when? Whose name is on the child's birth certificate? Are you still in counseling? I wish you the best. Link to post Share on other sites
Lil1 Posted May 29, 2012 Share Posted May 29, 2012 Congratulations Sour!! I just read your threads today, and yes, what a mess you made of things! It does sound like you have done a lot of soul searching and are doing your best to do the right thing. Have you gotten a paternity test yet? Your newborn deserves a happy loving home.. can you provide this for him? If you do not love his mother, yet stay with her because of your son, that will not make you happy. If you are not happy with yourself you may not be the best role model for your son. Some other poster said that you owe it to your son to stay with his mother. I disagree. What "your" child needs is a happy stable home. You cannot achieve this if there is no love, no trust, no respect, between you and his mother. Regardless, take this time to enjoy him, and best of luck to you! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ninja'sHusband Posted May 29, 2012 Share Posted May 29, 2012 I agree with Spark. You have a child with the OW, not your ex. It sucks that you cheated and broke your ex's heart...but here the OW is the one you have a child with. It would be far better if you were with her, you made no vows to your ex. If you love your new woman, make it work with her for your child's sake. She loves you, you haven't betrayed her, you have a better relationship with her anyway. You should break contact with your ex completely, let her get over you and give your new woman some piece of mind and security that you are with her whole heartedly. Link to post Share on other sites
2long Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 This si2ation is still nothing but a pathetic mess. Find out if the baby is yours (though it is probably 2 late if you're on the birth certificate). End contact with your ex and tell your GF about it. What am I saying? You're not married and aren't capable of acting like you are, so why try? You are all very young and have a lot of growing up 2 do before you can have healthy relationships (with other people, not each other!). best, -ol' 2long 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sour_pikle Posted June 12, 2012 Author Share Posted June 12, 2012 I think...well, actually I know that in the long run this isn't going to work out with the OW. She has some deep childhood issues that have never been addressed. The things I've heard out of this girls mouth, it's no wonder that I miss my ex, that realationship was pure bliss compared to this girl. But, now there is a child in the mix and we can't take that back. My name is indeed on the BS. I was in the delivery room after all. and we have not been to councellig because my gf believes that she has not time or energy to continue going. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 12, 2012 Share Posted June 12, 2012 So what's your plan? Shamble on along with your relationship the way it is, generally unhappy until the next big blowup? Or do you want the situation to change? Personally, I'm a great believer in ultimatums if you're willing to enforce consequences if they're not met. If you don't want to stay like this...INSIST on what changes you need to happen...but be ready to implement consequences (that are defined and communicated beforehand) if she refuses to cooperate. If you're so darned unhappy...enforce change, or end the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sour_pikle Posted June 13, 2012 Author Share Posted June 13, 2012 I wish an ultimatum would work...if I could stick to my guns and mean what i have said to her I would have moved out atleast a dozen times. I have no idea why I let her call me down and scream and yell??. .....i have this great notion inside my head that, because of what i did in the past (cheat), that i am in someway punishing myself for my mistreatment of the women that cared for me thus paying my debt to myself and the people I hurt. Alittle bit of self inflicted pain I guess.... but then my other thought is that maybe im just too weak to leave, maybe im afraid to actually be on my own. All i know is that something has to happen quick....if I get called a loser or told that I should just die cause my son is gunna think im a loser or she spits in my face again i may finally snap and give her a taste of what it feels like to be treated like dog crap.....help? Link to post Share on other sites
confused kitty Posted June 14, 2012 Share Posted June 14, 2012 Did you get a DNA test done yet to find out if he actually is your son...?? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
seeker2010 Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 I don't think you really ought to be with the OW at this point, because whether you admit it or not, she is "second best" for you, and she probably knows it deep inside. She was the repair kit that you resorted to in order to fix your "real" relationship, and you went with her because you had screwed up with your SO. She's a consolation prize. That happens to a lot of OW/OM because their affair partner wasn't fully available emotionally to them at the beginning, because they were cheating, and many, like you, carry unresolved issues forward with them into the second relationship. Very few relationships between cheaters and their OW or OM work; there's too much baggage. If you do want to have something workable with the OW, get couples counseling with her, and be honest, and start with working on the roles that you both played in this way back when. And break off contact with your former GF, because in your case, she's now like an OW for you. If you don't want the OW really, or aren't sure whether you do or not, get counseling anyway, for your own sake--you call this a mistake, and maybe it was, but it's certainly ruining your life now. And last, but certainly not least, get counseling for the sake of the child. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GLDheart Posted June 18, 2012 Share Posted June 18, 2012 The sound of my gf crying and asking why is a sound that i will carry to my grave with me... I respect you for making a mental snapshot of what you did to her. You speak of self inflicted punishment. Here it is: OWN THAT MISTAKE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Then you can forgive yourself for the mistake of a flawed boy and begin to grow into a man with stronger integrity. If you ever greedily allow yourself to forget it, you could find yourself repeating it. Moving forward. If it were me, I'd need to know if that baby was really mine. Thinking he may be another mans child could maybe plant a seed of resentment in every interaction you ever share. I would hate myself for letting that child grow up with any bit of my full love reserved away from him. Once you know the truth about the baby, then you can fully decide your hearts intent in regards to building a family. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 18, 2012 Share Posted June 18, 2012 Stay away from any woman for a long time to determine your authentic self and to avoid drama. If the drama continues - your issue is you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted June 19, 2012 Share Posted June 19, 2012 I've just read this whole thread and I don't think I can put into words what needs to be said to you. You need to man the F up and get out of your gf's life. Quit feeling sorry for yourself and accept you F'd up by cheating but staying simply because you have a child is the worst thing you can do, to yourself, to her and to the baby. If you are always fighting, that child doesn't need to be in that sort of mess. Go be with your ex, quit whining about it, be about it. This whole thing is pretty freakin' ridiculous. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sour_pikle Posted August 21, 2012 Author Share Posted August 21, 2012 My life funkin' sucks...period Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted August 21, 2012 Share Posted August 21, 2012 OK...so what's your update? Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted August 21, 2012 Share Posted August 21, 2012 is anyone reading this??? anyway.... My son was born this month, healthy and happy. I can only thank god for that one, and i'm not even religous at all! lol It is the best and scariest feeling in the world all at the same time. It's even scarier to look at the child and wonder....is he really mine Oh no no no. No. You don't get to cheat on her, and then institute some sort of wishful thinking to make yourself feel better about screwing her over. Unless you have some kind of proof she has cheated, you don't get to project your character onto her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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