When your SO makes subtle comments that you need to lose weight

[tigressA]

Right. I don't understand why she's upset when she puts up pictures for public commentary, but then talks smack about a particular weight group (BBW).

 

And I too didn't know what BBW meant. I though it meant Big Black Woman, to be honest. But since it was defined - in this thread - as meaning Big Boned Woman, IMO given the pictures, it would fit. Particularly because if she's small-framed/boned, then, well, she'd be worse off.

 

That post was incorrect. It stands for Big Beautiful Woman, which is a euphemism for being fat, which ES is not. Google it.

[JHS]

I am still pissed by the person that suggested that I am the same as BBW

 

I have uploaded some body shots from this summer in LS album. I am still the same weight. I have included different angles to give you a more accurate idea. On the group photo, I am the one in the leopard top.

 

"This album does not have any pictures."

[Star Gazer]

That post was incorrect. It stands for Big Beautiful Woman, which is a euphemism for being fat, which ES is not. Google it.

 

Don't tell me what to do. The definition may have been incorrect, but it's quite clear that BIG BONED was the definition I was using, and she got pissed.

[tigressA]

Don't tell me what to do. The definition may have been incorrect, but it's quite clear that BIG BONED was the definition I was using, and she got pissed.

 

Well clearly she had the traditional meaning in her head, so it must've been a miscommunication. And no one can tell you what to do, but you can tell ES to "Get over it and stop seeking validation". Nice.

[Chocolat]

Don't tell me what to do. The definition may have been incorrect, but it's quite clear that BIG BONED was the definition I was using, and she got pissed.

 

 

big-boned - having a bone structure that is massive in contrast with the surrounding flesh http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/big-boned

 

So this is what you meant?

[Els]

I'll say it again, just because a woman has a few extra pounds is not a reason to not date her if she is otherwise a great person.

 

So from the very beginning the guy could be wishing that she didn't have the extra pounds. And when the relationship is in effect, he's going to try and get her to lose the weight so he can be more attracted to her.

 

Only the shallowest man would not date a woman because she could lose 10 pounds. That's ridiculous.

 

....Huh. So you actually support women, in turn, getting with men and then trying to change parts of them? What if a woman you had been with 'tactfully' tried to persuade you to quit video games even though you aren't playing excessively? Would you do it? Really?

 

If you would change something about yourself that you are happy with and that isn't really bad (as opposed to undeniably unhealthy stuff like medical obesity, cheating/lying habits, etc) just because your SO wants it, and you think they have the right to pressure you for it, then I do hope for your sake you don't get trampled all upon when you get a relationship.

[somedude81]

In a later post I actually decide to refuse being changed by a girl in any way for any reason because of what ES's response was. But that was a bit of a joke response.

 

Trying to change one's partner about issues not related to weight seems like it would be a good topic for another thread.

 

In all honesty, I would want my GF, no matter what her weight and level of fitness, to work out at the gym with me. There are many benefits to exercising. If she doesn't like the gym then we could go running, swimming or bike riding.

 

My Dad got my Stepmom into cycling and now she regularly does an hour long bike ride to and from work.

Edited August 10, 2011 by somedude81

[Els]

In a later post I actually decide to refuse being changed by a girl in any way for any reason because of what ES's response was. But that was a bit of a joke response.

 

Trying to change one's partner about issues not related to weight seems like it would be a good topic for another thread.

 

In all honesty, I would want my GF, no matter what her weight and level of fitness, to work out at the gym with me. There are many benefits to exercising. If she doesn't like the gym then we could go running, swimming or bike riding.

 

My Dad got my Stepmom into cycling and now she regularly does an hour long bike ride to and from work.

 

As we are talking about the principle of the guy being 'right' to 'get with her despite wishing her to be 10lbs lighter and then trying to change her', I do think my question is especially relevant. It is great that you personally enjoy exercising with a partner, but that is not what this thread is about.

[somedude81]

From what I hear, women try to change their BF's all the time. Wanting the girl to lose a little weight is no different.

 

Exercising with a partner is a way to do it. Even if losing wight wasn't the goal, it still would have happened.

[Star Gazer]

Well clearly she had the traditional meaning in her head, so it must've been a miscommunication. And no one can tell you what to do, but you can tell ES to "Get over it and stop seeking validation". Nice.

 

I made it patently clear what definition I was using, and she whined and got pissed at MY definition. And yes, she should get over it. Everyone's not going to share her idea of what an attractive body shape is, and if she opens the door by posting pictures of herself (one of which looked like the picture of Valerie Bertinelli that carhill posted), then she ought to know that people are going to AGREE WITH HER OWN STATEMENT that she could stand to lose some weight.

 

Not that I even said she could, I ONLY said that she could make more flattering clothing choices.

 

But of course, instead of anything resembling a critique - again, even if agreeing with her - she wants approval and validation.

[Els]

From what I hear, women try to change their BF's all the time. Wanting the girl to lose a little weight is no different.

 

So you think the bolded is the right thing to do, then, and should be encouraged in a relationship?

[Star Gazer]

big-boned - having a bone structure that is massive in contrast with the surrounding flesh http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/big-boned

 

So this is what you meant?

 

That's not really what I meant. I hope you know there are small frames, medium frames, and large frames. I meant large frame. Large frame/bones, for her size, not small frame/bones.

 

Also, the above definition would mean little flesh/body fat.

[Els]

I made it patently clear what definition I was using, and she whined and got pissed at MY definition. And yes, she should get over it.

 

I like how you feel that you can order ES around like a meek little puppy, but take offense to Tigress's suggestion that you should google a term that you do not know.

[somedude81]

So you think the bolded is the right thing to do, then, and should be encouraged in a relationship?

I would be open to suggestions if it would make me more attractive to her.

[Els]

I would be open to suggestions if it would make me more attractive to her.

 

Ah, I guess we have different takes on relationships, then. My guy's strongest requirement is for a woman who accepts him for who he is, and it is in my list of top priorities as well. I am more than willing to work through undeniably bad traits of mine, but not things that are not inherently bad in themselves, such as my hobbies, or weight, etc. I am, like ES, in the upper normal weight range, and I would be wary if my guy persistently pressured me to lose weight. Although to be fair, I can't really tell out of context whether ES's ex was genuinely doing that, or if he was just talking as part of conversation, "Oh, my brother and I are going to the gym! You should come" etc. SG and MC raised a valid point that she might have complained about her own weight as well, leading to the guy to attempt to find solutions for it, which isn't the same thing as pressuring.

[tigressA]

I think if anyone is going to change anything, they should do it for themselves. Changing for someone else is only going to breed resentment and it's a surefire way to be railroaded while in a relationship. So ES, if something like this happens again, you should tell the guy you appreciate their input but if you're going to do something about your body, it will be on your timetable and it will be to benefit yourself first, not him or anyone else.

[somedude81]

See, I don't understand why somebody would not be willing to do minor things if it would make their partner more attracted to them. Also isn't a relationship about compromise?

 

Granted I've never been in one and have a strong desire to make it work if I do get in one, so that affects what I think is acceptable.

 

If somebody has no issues finding relationships they'd be less likely to want to change themselves because there isn't any need.

[Els]

See, I don't understand why somebody would not be willing to do minor things if it would make their partner more attracted to them. Also isn't a relationship about compromise?

 

Granted I've never been in one and have a strong desire to make it work if I do get in one, so that affects what I think is acceptable.

 

If somebody has no issues finding relationships they'd be less likely to want to change themselves because there isn't any need.

 

Well, to me, compromise is one thing, but changing something about yourself that does not directly affect your partner is another. ie if you like rock music and she likes pop, you each take turns choosing the radio station for the day. That is compromise.

 

On the other hand, I think a woman who isn't overweight losing weight just to make her bf happy, is akin to a man dropping a hobby or consistently turning down his buddies to make his gf happy (because I rarely hear of women wanting their normal-weight men to lose 15 lbs, admittedly). I asked you if you would drop video games if your gf felt that it was, say, immature. You have not answered.

[Star Gazer]

I don't want to get involved in the debate about "changing your SO," but I will say that when someone is trying to change their SO, IME it typically happens as follows:

 

Women have a tendency to get into relationships with men they see POTENTIAL in, and try to get their man to change to eventually fit what they really want.

 

Men have a tendency to get into a relationship with a woman who already is what they want, and then when she changes, try to change her BACK to the way she was when the relationship began.

 

In a way, in entering a relationship, women settle, and men do not. In staying in a relationship, men settle, and women do not.

 

Again, just my experience. YMMV.

[Star Gazer]

I like how you feel that you can order ES around like a meek little puppy, but take offense to Tigress's suggestion that you should google a term that you do not know.

 

Where have I ordered ES (or anyone else) around?

 

I express opinions, I don't give orders.

 

[Star Gazer]

Men have a tendency to get into a relationship with a woman who already is what they want, and then when she changes, try to change her BACK to the way she was when the relationship began.

 

I should revise the above to read:

 

Men have a tendency to get into a relationship with a woman who they believe is already is what they want (based on how she presented and represented herself), and then when she changes (either actual change or showing her true self), he will try to change her BACK to the way she was or how he thought she was when the relationship began.

[Chocolat]

But since it was defined - in this thread - as meaning Big Boned Woman, IMO given the pictures, it would fit. Particularly because if she's small-framed/boned, then, well, she'd be worse off.

 

 

Don't tell me what to do. The definition may have been incorrect, but it's quite clear that BIG BONED was the definition I was using, and she got pissed.

 

big-boned - having a bone structure that is massive in contrast with the surrounding flesh http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/big-boned

 

So this is what you meant?

 

That's not really what I meant.

 

It's what you said. Perhaps an apology is in order?

[Star Gazer]

It's what you said. Perhaps an apology is in order?

 

Huh? Yes. I said she appears big boned/large framed. Why would I apologize for something I believe to be true? She appears big boned/large framed.

 

And quite frankly, for her benefit, I hope she IS big boned/large framed because if she's small boned/framed then she's carrying a LOT of extra weight.

 

When I said that's not really what I meant, I was referring to your highlighted word "massive." I think by now I've made MY definition of BIG BONED (aka large frame) palpably clear.

[Chocolat]

When I said that's not really what I meant, I was referring to your highlighted word "massive." I think by now I've made MY definition of BIG BONED (aka large frame) palpably clear.

 

I've never highlighted the word massive. I did, however, post the dictionary definition of big-boned. Dictionaries exist, in part, to provide universal agreement on a word's meaning. Unfortunately, you can't just choose your own definition and then hide behind it when you've insulted someone. As it is, you appear to be one of only two people in this thread who do not know what BBW stands for. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bbws

 

I wonder how you would feel if, after posting your pictures, posters came along and shared uncomplimentary and inaccurate comparisons?

[Els]

Google it.

 

OMG. Get over it and stop seeking validation!!!

 

Oh, SG. Would you care to explain how you feel the former is an order worth taking offense to, and the latter merely an opinion? I frankly don't know anyone else who would consider the former worse than the latter (in fact, I think the former is a pretty common thing to say to people when they misinterpret common terms), so I hope you'll enlighten me.