Author Eternal Sunshine Posted August 9, 2011 Author Share Posted August 9, 2011 Also, it's like I have a mirror and I am aware of the problem. I am much more likely to be pro-active about my weight if a partner is supportive and doesn't nag me about it. Keep in mind that I am not THAT overweight, certainly not to the point of it being a risk to my health. My BMI is at the upper end of the normal limit. My ex ex bf found my body great. In fact, he asked me to take pictures of me in a bikini and used them as a wall paper. He turned out to be unsuitable in other ways... But even when I was with him, his praise didn't make me want to relax and eat more - it was just the opposite. I thought "He thinks my body is great now, wait till I show him how great it can really be!" Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted August 9, 2011 Author Share Posted August 9, 2011 You're overreacting. Just because a guy wants you to lose a few pounds doesn't mean he thinks you're chubby or unattractive. What comments would make you want to lose the weight? No comments as all. My weight is my problem and I decide when and how I want to lose it. Link to post Share on other sites
CatNtheHat Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 You're overreacting. Just because a guy wants you to lose a few pounds doesn't mean he thinks you're chubby or unattractive. What comments would make you want to lose the weight? Losing weight should be because that individual wants it badly enough for them self. They shouldn't have to be "pushed". Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted August 9, 2011 Author Share Posted August 9, 2011 BTW my ex bf was what I would call skinny fat. Even though he played sports, his body was really soft. He also seemed to store fat around his hips. He looked good with his clothes on but it was a different story with the clothes off. I think it's just genetics and didn't think losing weight would really help him. I am just sayin' dude, look in the mirror - your body is far from perfect, why should mine be? Sure, I would be more attracted if he had a hard body. But I would never dream to comment on it, not even in a subtle way. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 I thought "He thinks my body is great now, wait till I show him how great it can really be!" I feel the same way. When my guy really appreciates me and my body, I only want to get in better shape and really blow him away. I want to reward his loving support with all the hotness I can hit him with. On the other hand, when he treats me as though I'm not good enough as is, it gets me down and I don't have as much motivation to work out and eat right. Link to post Share on other sites
rafallus Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 Only the shallowest man would not date a woman because she could lose 10 pounds. That's ridiculous. Yes, it is. And same for a woman refusing to date a man just because she wishes he would be two inches taller. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted August 9, 2011 Author Share Posted August 9, 2011 Just to sum up the effect of a SO commenting negatively on weight (directly or indirectly): 1. It makes me feel hurt to the point of starting to lose feelings for him 2. It makes me feel angry at him and starts building up resentment and lashing out at him in other ways 3. I am less likely to have sex 4. I am more inhibited when I do have sex 5. It makes me less likely to actually try and lose the weight 5. I start shutting down emotionally to the point of seriously considering breaking up, even if all other aspects of relationship are perfect. Basically what I feel men should do: If it bothers them that much, never start a relationship. If it doesn't bother them that much, just STFU. (I am not talking about when a person gains weight during the course of a relationship, that's a different story) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted August 9, 2011 Author Share Posted August 9, 2011 Yes, it is. And same for a woman refusing to date a man just because she wishes he would be two inches taller. No it's fine - just don't date me. If you do date me, don't try to change me. Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 No comments as all. My weight is my problem and I decide when and how I want to lose it. I will remember this. If a girl I'm dating ever tries to change anything about me, I will tell her, "X is my problem and I decide when and how I want to change it." Every man should also act that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 ES, you admitted to laying alllllll of your insecurities out on the table with your ex. I am certain that in laying out alllllll of those insecurities, you included the fact that YOU wanted to lose weight to look and feel better. ES, you didn't address the above. Didn't you share your body concerns with him? If you're aware of the problem, why haven't you joined a gym? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 Every man should also act that way. I think we pretty much do OP, if you were to hazard a guess as to your perfect balance of challenge and support in this area, what would it be? As an example, I would always invite my exW to join me for walks or bike rides and I never made derogatory comments about her body. I would also share or prepare the foods she chose to eat when she was dieting although there were times I'd slip up and make the 'bad' stuff, like pizza or tacos or similar. I recall one of the last things she said to me after we split up, about the only positive thing, was that she was glad that I didn't nag her about her body and respected that she was hypoglycemic and would not deny her food when she was hungry like her last exH did. I think we each have our own style. At one extreme, some people respond well to 'lose the weight or I'm leaving' directness. Others want total support without any negative discussion. It's a wide range of styles. If the styles match up, then that area of the relationship sees compatibility. How would you respond if invited to share aerobic activity, like I used to ask my exW to do with me? No discussion of weight or bodies, rather focus on doing something together. Could you look in the mirror, own the 'problem' like you're saying you do, and see the invitation as a positive thing? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 Why is anything that guy said during your relationship an issue now? He's out of your life. From what you've shared with us, he was 100% looser doucheguy. I'm sure you can continue to trot out lots and lots of things he said and did that were bad until the end of time. What for? If you were still together, I can understand why these comments could be valid to think, talk with your friends, and start threads about. As it stands - what a waste of time. Your body size, fitness level, etc. is nobody's business but your own today. ES, is this true? Are you his girlfriend now or are you broken up? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted August 9, 2011 Author Share Posted August 9, 2011 ES, is this true? Are you his girlfriend now or are you broken up? We are broken up. I am just doing a post-mortem of the relationship. During the relationship, there were so many other problems that I didn't even bother to post about this. I have struggled with slight chubbiness all my life (I gain weight really easily) - so this is an issue that's likely to crop up in the future, when I start dating again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted August 9, 2011 Author Share Posted August 9, 2011 ES, you didn't address the above. Didn't you share your body concerns with him? If you're aware of the problem, why haven't you joined a gym? No, I actually did not -it's a very sensitive issues for me. Only once his comments became more frequent did I say something like "yeah, I should really lose some weight". Before that, I was silent or would just change the topic of conversation. He only seemed more and more obvious with the hints. I haven't joined the gym because I hate feeling nagged by another person to do so. I have joined the gym now, post break-up. A better man can enjoy the benefits of my improved body Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Chick Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 You don't even need to join a gym to get fit. I quit my gym membership 3 years ago. I do DVDs and I am more fit and tone then ever. Also have some recordings off of Fit TV (Kathy Frederich's kick punch and crunch is the best, you get a real workout. Total Body Plus with Gilad is great, too.) I also go and powerwalk. When I can't go outside I do Leslie Sansone 4 mile walk DVD. The Kettle Bell DVD is good, too. Link to post Share on other sites
iJester Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 You say it makes you want to lose the guy, but isn't he the one that left? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted August 9, 2011 Author Share Posted August 9, 2011 You say it makes you want to lose the guy, but isn't he the one that left? Yes but then he begged to come back. I said no, so I had the final say in it. I actually had to block his number because he was borderline harassing me with messages. This is irrelevant though. I am not discussing this particular relationship - I wanted to discuss this issue in general. Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 This is irrelevant though. I am not discussing this particular relationship - I wanted to discuss this issue in general. You basically killed all discussion with your comment right here "No comments as all. My weight is my problem and I decide when and how I want to lose it." Link to post Share on other sites
Lovelybird Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 Men who love porn would easily make that comment, because they constantly compare you to those porn stars. But you don't have problem with his porn watching...it sounds like a dilemma Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 Men who love porn would easily make that comment, because they constantly compare you to those porn stars. But you don't have problem with his porn watching...it sounds like a dilemma Oh God... Insert facepalm asci Link to post Share on other sites
SmileFace Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 Men who love porn would easily make that comment, because they constantly compare you to those porn stars. But you don't have problem with his porn watching...it sounds like a dilemma What does porn have to do with this? "I am sorry I have standards because I seen this hot guy in a porn last week. " Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 ES, you admitted to laying alllllll of your insecurities out on the table with your ex. I am certain that in laying out alllllll of those insecurities, you included the fact that YOU wanted to lose weight to look and feel better. I let my last bf know that I was losing some weight, exercising a lot, and eating healthy -- but that wasn't an invitation to him to be my weight loss coach. I think he took the best possible approach. He was supportive of my choices (even though he would sometimes tease me about "eating like a bird"), and would often comment, "There's less of you every time I see you!", then give me this great big hug. He also said that most women put on weight once they get in a relationship, but it was pretty awesome that I just kept getting in better shape. His positive comments were very helpful to me, and only supported me in continuing to get in better shape. Link to post Share on other sites
Lovelybird Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 Oh God... Insert facepalm asci I guess you are one of those addicted guys.... Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 Yes I am a man who enjoys porn. I have never compared a girl I liked to woman in porn. Watching porn has no relevance at all to a man wanting his partner to lose weight. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted August 9, 2011 Author Share Posted August 9, 2011 Haha porn has nothing to do with it. It's just a tool to get off on. I watch it myself sometimes and I know that the guys in porn don't really matter at all. Speaking of porn, I just remembered that when I was snooping (please no lectures, it's over and done with) - I found that one of his searches was for BBW porn. I thought WTH at the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts