When your SO makes subtle comments that you need to lose weight

[Hot Chick]

So you are saying that the dating pool is equally small for women that are in the upper range of the normal weight and those that are morbidly obese? Seriously?

 

If you're overweight, you're narrowing your dating pool.....period.

there are many men who would look at you and think "not fit and chubby." These same men also would not go out with an "obese" woman (although that term is a matter of perspective - people have different ideas of "obese."

[Eternal Sunshine]

The only thing that I agree with you HotChick is that I want to drop some weight. Not really because of men but I feel better when I am fit and I love fashion and would like to look good in form-fitting clothes.

[Star Gazer]

P.S. I am back on OKCupid. I feel ready to date if an interesting prospect came up.

 

:facepalm:

[JHS]

I am wondering what the guy would write, if he were to post. Maybe something along the lines of this:

 

I have this girlfriend who I like and I think we could have an even better relationship, but she's a little overweight and it's kind of a turn off. Once in a while I try to make a constructive comment, like we should be more active, or join a gym, etc. Things that I genuinely meant to improve us both. But she was so hyper-sensitive about it. She'd sometimes pretend to agree but then would sulk and get offended. It was strange to see someone overreact so emotionally to something that should have been no big deal.

[Nexus One]

ES, if you're serious about losing weight, then perhaps long distance running is something that would appeal to you. 5 miles a day is enough for a woman to stay in perfect shape. Although I wonder if the weather in Australia is suited for it in regards to the heat and the disproportionate exposure to sunlight.

 

From your threads I gather that your mind is churning on things pretty much all the time. Long distance running certainly helps with calming the mind, especially after a run. Whenever frustrated or stressed you can just run those things out of your system.

 

Make sure you thoroughly stretch before running though, as that can prevent injuries that develop during running. Perhaps combining it with yoga and/or pilates will also help in that regard.

[Star Gazer]

Although I wonder if the weather in Australia is suited for it in regards to the heat and the disproportionate exposure to sunlight.

 

Her position on the globe is similar to San Diego on the northern hemisphere. Exposure to sunlight should not be an issue.

 

But I agree that long distance running might be a GREAT way to clear the mind.

[stillafool]

You don't even need to join a gym to get fit. I quit my gym membership 3 years ago. I do DVDs and I am more fit and tone then ever. Also have some recordings off of Fit TV (Kathy Frederich's kick punch and crunch is the best, you get a real workout. Total Body Plus with Gilad is great, too.) I also go and powerwalk. When I can't go outside I do Leslie Sansone 4 mile walk DVD. The Kettle Bell DVD is good, too.

 

I agree. I do this also and it's much easier than going to a gym. Plus, you never have an excuse to miss a workout.

[torn_curtain]

I think it's odd that your ex made these comments if you didn't gain any weight in the course of the relationship. I believe that when you ask someone to be your bf/gf you're basically accepting the way they present themselves as is. We all have things we'd love to change about our SO and some of those things are OK to broach--like small wardrobe changes--but weight is a really touchy issue for women and I think it's only fair to bring it up if somebody gains weight or they seem really unhappy with themselves.

 

So I can understand why you felt insecure.

 

I think in the future if a guy does this you should just say to him directly that you're unhappy with his comments and they're making you feel bad about your body.

 

Aside from bringing up the issue directly like that I wouldn't mention your insecurities to a guy. In my experience it always causes friction in a relationship. Everyone is insecure but men seem to have an aversion to women displaying their insecurities too overtly. I've also seen guys start to become obsessed with a woman's flaws once she mentions being insecure about them. People are weird.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I bet you anything that you went on, and on, and on about "do you think I'm fat," "do you think volleyball hotchick has a better body than I do," "does my ass look big in this thong," etc.

 

You KNOW you did, ES. Don't try to deny it. You never cease with the validation seeking; of course this encompasses your physical qualities. Most likely above all else. You NEED to be the most spectacular girl your boyfriend has ever laid eyes on ... or else, you might as well be the Elephant Man. Right?

 

I think it's hilarious that you dragged us all through (well, we all followed willingly) the sordid drama of this ill fated "TRUE LOVE" and its untimely demise ...

 

And now, a mere 10 days after the disintegration of the greatest true love of your life, you are ready to look for a new ... victim? What about your post from July 31:

 

I am taking a complete break from dating.

 

I AM NOT MOVING INTO NEW DATING SITUATIONS AND DON"T PLAN TO IN THE NEAR FUTURE.

[SmileFace]

:facepalm:

facedesk.......

[zengirl]

I wasn't in town/online for the beginning of this thread but:

 

(1) Why do you care if his comments were "potentially hurtful" at this point because (a) either you were hurt or you weren't --- there's really no right or wrong in what hurts you; if something is hurtful you speak up about it to your partner and address it, and if something doesn't bother you, why do you need other people to tell you it's hurtful and (b) this relationship is O-V-E-R: over. There's no need to go back and try to make some sort of "who was worse to who" scorecard. Since you both not only didn't work out but experienced what I'd consider a rather toxic dynamic, I'd bet you could each make a list on that, and to what productive end?

 

(2) I agree with those who probably said he was likely problem-solving, based on your own insecurities. When men see women they otherwise like who are insecure, they REALLY want to rid the woman of that particular insecurity and the easiest way to feel more secure about your weight is to get in shape. The end.

 

(3) If you wanted to lose weight, you were probably extra sensitive to any comments related to it. To me, "Hey, let's go to the gym sometime together and get in shape!" would not even REMIND me of my weight. I say that kind of **** to my BF ALLLLL the time, and we're both really thin and fairly fit. We just could afford to be a little more active. So that goes back to #1 and my main point there: If something bothers you or hurts you or hits an insecurity when you're in a relationship, it's on you to fess up to that and assert yourself and let the person know rather than internalizing it.

 

If you sat down and said, "When you said this, I felt that," and he blew you off, you'd then have information that let you know, "This guy isn't for me. " But don't ever expect anyone to know they've hurt your feelings with hint-like comments (or even think you know what's a hint or what the other person is thinking) because you'll just wind up disappointed.

 

P.S. I am back on OKCupid. I feel ready to date if an interesting prospect came up.

 

That's not going to go well. What happened to some time to yourself?

[Eternal Sunshine]

I am not actively looking to meet up. Most messages I get on there are from men that I have no interest in. Perhaps I get 1 message per month that makes me excited and from someone I would like to meet.

 

Nexus, great idea about running. I have started something like that 3 days ago. I actually hate the gym and prefer to exercise outdoors. The problem is that I am unfit, so running 5 miles right now is not possible. What I did was half walk half jog that distance and I am hoping that it will turn into more of a jogging and then running once my fitness picks up. I am not sure if that's the right way to go about it.

[Nexus One]

What I did was half walk half jog that distance and I am hoping that it will turn into more of a jogging and then running once my fitness picks up.

 

I am not sure if that's the right way to go about it.

 

It's fine. Just make sure you stretch before running, as even on 5 mile runs a person can develop running injuries.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I am still pissed by the person that suggested that I am the same as BBW

 

I have uploaded some body shots from this summer in LS album. I am still the same weight. I have included different angles to give you a more accurate idea. On the group photo, I am the one in the leopard top.

 

I know that I would look better if I lost at least 15lbs. And I want to lose them. I just feel that plenty of men would find me attractive even as I am *right now*. The ex boyfriend showing the comments about weight down my throat was uncalled for. I will never be skinny - I just don't have a frame for it. If he had a strong preference for thin women, he should have never asked me out.

[FitChick]

There is a saying in fitness circles: You can't outrun a doughnut. It means what you put in your mouth is more important than exercise when it comes to weight loss. If you run for half an hour then eat a doughnut, those calories will more than cancel out the calories you burned running. Exercise can accelerate weight loss and is essential to maintenance once you've lost the weight. You have to make it a habit. If you find you don't like to run, get a bicycle, go hiking, go swimming, go kayaking, skating, take dancing lessons. Just keep moving!

[Star Gazer]

I am still pissed by the person that suggested that I am the same as BBW .

 

OMG. Get over it and stop seeking validation!!! Someone said BBW meant big boned woman. That to me, is you. So what?

[Star Gazer]

It's interesting that you cropped your face out of all of those pictures when you regularly have avatars of your face.

 

I think you could make some more flattering clothing choices. The first picture in the navy (?) skirt makes you look about 30 pounds overweight (but then again, right above your knee on the left leg is kinda telling of excess weight). And the light blue dress I'd say 25 pounds.

[Hot Chick]

Oh, you look fine! You are curvy. If you lose 15 pounds you are also going to lose curvage. Did you see that thread on the topic? Tons of guys would think your figure is ideal.

I still would say exercise for your health and general tone, but I don't think it is crucial to lose weight.

[Star Gazer]

I think you could make some more flattering clothing choices. The first picture in the navy (?) skirt makes you look about 30 pounds overweight (but then again, right above your knee on the left leg is kinda telling of excess weight). And the **light blue dress I'd say 25 pounds.

 

**I meant dress with blue sweater.

[bittersweet memories]

Basically, at my weight some men don't consider me fat, others do. I was hoping that my ex was in the former category so that's why I didn't say anything. After it was clear that he is not, I shared that I am insecure about my body. He only kept at me with the comments.

 

 

I think you look great! You're curvy in all the right places. How tall are you?

[bittersweet memories]

It's interesting that you cropped your face out of all of those pictures when you regularly have avatars of your face.

 

I think you could make some more flattering clothing choices. The first picture in the navy (?) skirt makes you look about 30 pounds overweight (but then again, right above your knee on the left leg is kinda telling of excess weight). And the light blue dress I'd say 25 pounds.

 

 

You should talk SG. Aren't you short and overweight? I mean curvy .

[Star Gazer]

You should talk SG. Aren't you short and overweight? I mean curvy .

 

1. I commented on her clothing choice being unflattering. I didn't call her fat or overweight.

 

2. As of last week, I'm 20.7% body fat. I'm on the short side, but the "curves" are implants. Not overweight, but thanks for playing!

Edited August 10, 2011 by Star Gazer

[zengirl]

I am still pissed by the person that suggested that I am the same as BBW

 

How can you ask if someone else is rude for noting anything about your weight when you're going to go on to "eek!" about a particular weight group? This makes no sense to me. Either we can be shallow and totally judge people by their weight, comment on it, and accept that it's part of what we see in a person. . . or we can't. There's no, "If I'm 15-20 lbs overweight, no one should mention it, but those BBW. . . eek!" rule that I ever heard.

 

At any rate, I have no idea what any of the words mean these days. I thought BBW had less to do with "overweight" and more to do with literally the frame/bone size, which can often be determined by the wrist size. I have teensy tiny wrists and an Asian frame (thus a small frame/small bones); I've seen girls with my frames gain weight and be still chubby or overweight, though it's less likely/rarer.

 

I call myself curvy sometimes because I have literal curves that jut out quite a bit from my frame, but I'm a size 2 at most (depending on the clothes and own/wear several size 0 articles of clothing), so I get confused when I see women who by "curvy" mean double-digit sizes. Why do these labels even matter? You look how you look. You like it or you don't. If you don't like it, change it.

 

I know that I would look better if I lost at least 15lbs. And I want to lose them. I just feel that plenty of men would find me attractive even as I am *right now*. The ex boyfriend showing the comments about weight down my throat was uncalled for. I will never be skinny - I just don't have a frame for it. If he had a strong preference for thin women, he should have never asked me out.

 

Why are you creating problems in a relationship after it was over? This to me screams of someone trying to make their ex as much a bad guy as possible, which isn't the healthy way to move on. It's the 16 year old girl way to move on.

 

Though I will add, lest you misunderstand me, I'm sure you can find guys who think you are attractive as you are. (I'm frankly not sure the ex even had an issue with your weight but more likely had an issue with you having an issue with your weight.)

 

There is a saying in fitness circles: You can't outrun a doughnut. It means what you put in your mouth is more important than exercise when it comes to weight loss. If you run for half an hour then eat a doughnut, those calories will more than cancel out the calories you burned running. Exercise can accelerate weight loss and is essential to maintenance once you've lost the weight. You have to make it a habit. If you find you don't like to run, get a bicycle, go hiking, go swimming, go kayaking, skating, take dancing lessons. Just keep moving!

 

Also true. Personally, I don't watch calories, but I do watch empty calories. Most of what most people eat is absolute crap (heck even most mass consumption diet food has a lot of processed stuff in it that's kind of gross). If you do want to lose weight, it's a combination of exercise and fresh foods, IMO, and figuring out the best way for your body.

Edited August 10, 2011 by zengirl

[Chocolat]

I am still pissed by the person that suggested that I am the same as BBW

 

I have uploaded some body shots from this summer in LS album. I am still the same weight. I have included different angles to give you a more accurate idea. On the group photo, I am the one in the leopard top.

 

I know that I would look better if I lost at least 15lbs. And I want to lose them. I just feel that plenty of men would find me attractive even as I am *right now*. The ex boyfriend showing the comments about weight down my throat was uncalled for. I will never be skinny - I just don't have a frame for it. If he had a strong preference for thin women, he should have never asked me out.

 

Hey ES. I can't see any pictures now but I've seen several of your avatars and you don't look the least bit fat to me. I am not sure it's helpful to post pictures here as there are at least a few posters who seem intent on validating (incorrectly) your worst fears.

 

That said, if you would be more confident by losing 15 pounds, then do it! Confidence is sexy.

[Star Gazer]

How can you ask if someone else is rude for noting anything about your weight when you're going to go on to "eek!" about a particular weight group? This makes no sense to me. Either we can be shallow and totally judge people by their weight, comment on it, and accept that it's part of what we see in a person. . . or we can't. There's no, "If I'm 15-20 lbs overweight, no one should mention it, but those BBW. . . eek!" rule that I ever heard.

 

At any rate, I have no idea what any of the words mean these days. I thought BBW had less to do with "overweight" and more to do with literally the frame/bone size, which can often be determined by the wrist size. I have teensy tiny wrists and an Asian frame (thus a small frame/small bones); I've seen girls with my frames gain weight and be still chubby or overweight, though it's less likely/rarer.

 

Right. I don't understand why she's upset when she puts up pictures for public commentary, but then talks smack about a particular weight group (BBW).

 

And I too didn't know what BBW meant. I though it meant Big Black Woman, to be honest. But since it was defined - in this thread - as meaning Big Boned Woman, IMO given the pictures, it would fit. Particularly because if she's small-framed/boned, then, well, she'd be worse off.