Consolidated Discussion - Older/younger woman/man and age gap dating

[123321]

I know of one -- mine. I am 39 and my husband just turned 29. We've been together more than five years, married for three. We had a son last year, who's now a little over one year. Still madly in love, and the sex is still AMAZING.

 

I know a 24 year old guy who married a 40 year old woman; it was OK for a long time but he says that her desire for sex dropped pretty rapidly after the wedding and then when he was about 40, she went through menopause and that was it, just him and his hands for those long cold Scandinavian evenings.

 

At 42 he was divorced, childless, and heartbroken. After 18 years.

 

This is why in general, women tend to marry men who are older and not the other way around. It just works better. Now I admit my current and recent relationships are a lot more gap than is typical but let's face it, dating their own age is mostly necessity and not what most men want.

 

How many celebrities or other powerful men date women their age exclusively, or at all? Virtually none. Why? Because they don't have to. Most men who can date younger, will. Most women who can date younger will date either, or their own age plus a bit.

 

It's society and biology.

 

It's not evil. In fact my friends are all up my a** about how my current GF is taking advantage of me and how I should hold out for "better", whatever that is. They don't see her the way I see her; she's an amazing person and I love her.

[Feelsgoodman]

Relationships in which the guy is younger are becoming more common, and I think it's a great development. In the past, I said no way to dating a younger guy, but as I've seen more and more successful couples like this, I've totally changed my mind.

 

One of my sisters is in her 50s and is married to an awesome guy in his 30s. They've been together for years and seem very happy together. As far as I can see, he's the best partner she's had by far, and he seems totally crazy about her.

 

I say go for it!

I don't see what's so great about this. I find relationships like your sister's creepy to the extreme. Can you imagine the "pride" her husband must feel when people tell him that he's such a nice boy for going everywhere with his elderly mother? Yeah, sounds totally awesome

 

Women age faster than men, so it's natural for them to date younger women, not older ones. In ten years your sister's husband (if he takes good care of himself) will still be a virile, middle aged man. Your sister, on the other hand, will be an old lady long past her menopause.

 

This relationship will soon enter a very tragic stage. The husband will either be forced to divorce your sister, cheat on her or lead a sexually deprived existence for the rest of his days.

[123321]

Women age faster than men, so it's natural for them to date younger women, not older ones.

And more sound from a biological standpoint apparently:

 

"We studied how parental age difference at marriage affected [families'] reproductive success ..... "We found that marrying women 14.6 years younger maximized men's lifetime reproductive success—in other words, the number of offspring surviving to age 18."

 

 

"Other research in modern day Sweden has shown that the ideal reproductive match is for a man to marry a woman six years his junior."

[Alma Mobley]

I don't get the point of your post. Are you implying that there is something wrong with my particular relationship and that it's perhaps doomed to failure in the future? Why? I read your posts about your relationship and have no need to pass judgment on it or imply that it's doomed. You seem sort of invested in perpetuating this older women should stay away from younger man thing. I don't know why.

 

My husband is a great guy -- he always dated women his age or younger. I know he still could (he still gets hit on by women in their 20s), but fact is he loves ME and was smitten with me from the moment we met. We're very, very compatible and in the long run, that is what matters, esp since this is a marriage with a child involved.

 

BTW, in your example, the woman is 16 years older. We're only ten years apart, married when I was 36 and no matter what happens, he certainly won't be childless. Anyway, anything over ten years I think is pushing it a little, but again, to each their own, as long as people are happy.

 

I know a 24 year old guy who married a 40 year old woman; it was OK for a long time but he says that her desire for sex dropped pretty rapidly after the wedding and then when he was about 40, she went through menopause and that was it, just him and his hands for those long cold Scandinavian evenings.

 

At 42 he was divorced, childless, and heartbroken. After 18 years.

 

This is why in general, women tend to marry men who are older and not the other way around. It just works better. Now I admit my current and recent relationships are a lot more gap than is typical but let's face it, dating their own age is mostly necessity and not what most men want.

 

How many celebrities or other powerful men date women their age exclusively, or at all? Virtually none. Why? Because they don't have to. Most men who can date younger, will. Most women who can date younger will date either, or their own age plus a bit.

 

It's society and biology.

 

It's not evil. In fact my friends are all up my a** about how my current GF is taking advantage of me and how I should hold out for "better", whatever that is. They don't see her the way I see her; she's an amazing person and I love her.

[123321]

BTW, in your example, the woman is 16 years older. We're only ten years apart, married when I was 36 and no matter what happens, he certainly won't be childless. Anyway, anything over ten years I think is pushing it a little, but again, to each their own, as long as people are happy.

 

I think you are correct, 10 years is a lot more viable.

[sleepykitten]

Just come on here after last log on fri and have spent the best part of an hr reading all the replies, what a can of worms opened. Brilliant to read, have been intermittently laughing alot and just loving the debate.

The jurys still out for me on this guy, i spent the day with him today, he is really lovely, very sweet, keen bit too eager though i think....in all departments, say no more!

[Ruby Slippers]

I don't see what's so great about this.

Your post is as ridiculous as the ones where the older women bitch out older men for dating younger women. Why do you care if they're happy? What possible difference could it make to you?

 

If anything, a younger guy with an older woman is good for you, because it leaves more younger women available to date.

 

You're just another guy who hates women and wants to run them down every chance you get. *yawn*

[Feelsgoodman]

Your post is as ridiculous as the ones where the older women bitch out older men for dating younger women. Why do you care if they're happy? What possible difference could it make to you?

 

If anything, a younger guy with an older woman is good for you, because it leaves more younger women available to date.

 

You're just another guy who hates women and wants to run them down every chance you get. *yawn*

Good job of falling to address my points as to why such relationships are a bad idea and resorting to ad hominem attacks instead. You are such a troll. *yawn*

[Ruby Slippers]

Can you imagine the "pride" her husband must feel when people tell him that he's such a nice boy for going everywhere with his elderly mother?

And how about a younger women with a geriatric man? Very sweet of her to take care of her father like that, isn't it? If that's what she wants, I say more power to her.

 

In ten years your sister's husband (if he takes good care of himself) will still be a virile, middle aged man. Your sister, on the other hand, will be an old lady long past her menopause.

The same argument can be made about couples with an older man -- she'll be changing his diapers and pushing him around in the wheelchair. News flash: some people would happily spend 20 active years with someone they really love, then take care of them in their later years. I just talked to a couple I know this weekend, and they both said they'd do it if anything happened to their partner, at any age. That's real love.

 

This relationship will soon enter a very tragic stage. The husband will either be forced to divorce your sister, cheat on her or lead a sexually deprived existence for the rest of his days.

Just tragic -- that the same things that happen to all couples could happen to them.

 

People who are vocally against relationships with an age difference just can't stand to see people happy, or hate the opposite sex.

[Woggle]

I have no issue with age differences but people who specifically target a specific age or a race or whatever are missing the point. Not all young men or young women or older men and women are the same so simply going after an age doesn't really mean anything.

 

I don't like both men and women and who date younger people just to hold on to their youth and go out of their way to trash people their own age and I am somebody who is younger rhan his wife so don't accuse of being biased.

[123321]

I just talked to a couple I know this weekend, and they both said they'd do it if anything happened to their partner, at any age. That's real love.

That is very sweet, I hope it's real, I want to believe love like that exists.

[Taramere]

I have recently split up with my b/f-now upgraded to the dating forum, although am aware this may be a rebound thing. However my dilema is i am 38 and this new guy is 27-just 27. we have only seen each other twice. He seems very keen, not interested in a casual thing (him) and wants to see what happens. I have been honest in so far of my age, my break up and not wanting to rush into anything, but i cant help feeling that whats the point as he's so young. I know there are no garentees in any relationship so not getting ahead of myself here, but i do want a future with someone one day, someone i can plan with etc, and this just feels like a non starter because of the age thing...and i dont want to waste time basically. Any opinions??

 

My SIL's granny is in her 80s and married to a man in his 60s. It's pretty unusual generally, but particularly amongst people of that generation. They seem happy. My best friend from childhood is married to a guy 6 years younger, and that's been going strong for a decade. My longest term relationship was with a guy 7 years younger. I'm convinced that the age difference was a big factor in the break up, but he flatly denied that.

 

There are obvious risks, but an older man could just as quickly up and leave you for a younger woman as a young man will, so I don't know how much sense it makes to discount somebody simply because they're younger. The most important thing is that you share similar values and mesh along well together. That there's love and respect there. On LS, with the best will in the world advice is often tinged with an agenda (often an agenda that's related to this men v women thing).

 

A lot of women will be rooting for it to work between you and a younger guy, to show that it can work. Older men...well, some of them will tend to try to dissuade you - ostensibly "for your own good", but who knows? You're concerned on investing too much time with somebody there might not be a future with. Exactly the same could be true of a 50 year old man. Even more so, in fact, for health reasons.

 

If you're worried about investing too much time on one person without getting some sort of commitment then perhaps you should mentally place a time limit on the relationship and see whether you have the discipline to stick with it. Seems a shame to miss out on an opportunity with somebody you like, though. Six months down the line you might still not have met somebody you really like, and be thinking "damn - why didn't I just go for it?"

[Chicago_Guy]

I have recently split up with my b/f-now upgraded to the dating forum, although am aware this may be a rebound thing. However my dilema is i am 38 and this new guy is 27-just 27. we have only seen each other twice. He seems very keen, not interested in a casual thing (him) and wants to see what happens. I have been honest in so far of my age, my break up and not wanting to rush into anything, but i cant help feeling that whats the point as he's so young. I know there are no garentees in any relationship so not getting ahead of myself here, but i do want a future with someone one day, someone i can plan with etc, and this just feels like a non starter because of the age thing...and i dont want to waste time basically. Any opinions??

 

That guy might date you and might really like you, but getting him to marry you might be much more difficult than you think. You would almost need to look very young and be very hot for your age and would need to be much more attractive than what he is used to dating.

[Cee]

That guy might date you and might really like you, but getting him to marry you might be much more difficult than you think. You would almost need to look very young and be very hot for your age and would need to be much more attractive than what he is used to dating.

 

I have seen a lot of divorces, break ups, premature deaths, etc, etc. Relationships are meant to end, just as people must die. It's pointless to me to cling onto "happily ever after forever." Even among the couples I know who have been together 20+ years, their love is tinged with a hint of resignation.

 

I am deliriously happy in my relationship with a younger man. And he seems to be thinking long term future. But I think us falling out of love is inevitable, but not really due to age, but more about us going in separate directions. Maybe we'll last, but I'm not betting on it.

[Ruby Slippers]

I have seen a lot of divorces, break ups, premature deaths, etc, etc. Relationships are meant to end, just as people must die. It's pointless to me to cling onto "happily ever after forever." Even among the couples I know who have been together 20+ years, their love is tinged with a hint of resignation.

 

I am deliriously happy in my relationship with a younger man. And he seems to be thinking long term future. But I think us falling out of love is inevitable, but not really due to age, but more about us going in separate directions. Maybe we'll last, but I'm not betting on it.

Wonderful attitude, and one that would benefit most people in any relationship.

[ThsAmericanLife]

I have seen a lot of divorces, break ups, premature deaths, etc, etc. Relationships are meant to end, just as people must die. It's pointless to me to cling onto "happily ever after forever." Even among the couples I know who have been together 20+ years, their love is tinged with a hint of resignation.

 

I am deliriously happy in my relationship with a younger man. And he seems to be thinking long term future. But I think us falling out of love is inevitable, but not really due to age, but more about us going in separate directions. Maybe we'll last, but I'm not betting on it.

 

I agree. I think the most profound thing you said here, Cee, is that you don't 'fetish-ize' age.

 

My biggest objection to large difference in age ranges is my perception is that there is some flavor of master/slave or predetor/prey or lust object dynamic. I'm just not convinced that kind of dynamic is a healthy one for the slave/prey/lust object in the long run.

 

Not that it matters, or that you need my approval, but I don't think this is the case with you.

[William]

Bumping this up to open it for consolidated discussion regarding 'age gap' dating and relationships, where a substantial age gap exists between the partners.

[Daniel V. Ross]

For me age doesn't matter as long as your partner does know on how to take care of you very well.

[aMguilts]

I have seen a lot of divorces, break ups, premature deaths, etc, etc. Relationships are meant to end, just as people must die. It's pointless to me to cling onto "happily ever after forever." Even among the couples I know who have been together 20+ years, their love is tinged with a hint of resignation.

 

I am deliriously happy in my relationship with a younger man. And he seems to be thinking long term future. But I think us falling out of love is inevitable, but not really due to age, but more about us going in separate directions. Maybe we'll last, but I'm not betting on it.

 

Hello Cee.

 

Sorry, I`m going to have to disagree AND agree with you on this one.

Relationships are meant to end? That is a very depressing way of looking at it. Anyone going into a relationship with someone with that attitude, Well it cant be a healthy one?

If we all went into a relationship with the attitude that it`s going to end sooner or later, then why do any of us bother?

The world might end tomorrow, there`s a saying and I`m sure EVERYONE reading this will have heard it.

 

Live every day as if its your last, cos one day, you`ll be right

 

 

And now the agreeing part.

 

But only in the sense that everything must end. nothing is infinite.

And that wasn`t meant as a double negative!

 

As for my answer to the OP`s question.

 

Age has NO bearing whatsoever,If it feels right then it is right.

Having said that, I turned down someone who was 21 (i`m 42) who was really interested in me, and told me, after i said about our age gap, that it didn`t matter. It did to me.

aM

Edited November 18, 2012 by aMguilts

[aMguilts]

Bumping this up to open it for consolidated discussion regarding 'age gap' dating and relationships, where a substantial age gap exists between the partners.

 

whats the age gap?

the one thats allowed for a consolidated discussion william?

Edited November 27, 2012 by aMguilts

[carhill]

Similar to the OP, I dated a 29 year old lady when I was nearly 40 and found that there was a mix of synergies and differences directly related to age.

 

As an example of the differences, most of her friends were single young men and women, many just completing their advanced education. Conversely, most of my friends had been married many years, some over 20 at that point, and nearly all had children, some not much younger than the lady herself.

 

As examples of synergies, we both shared common ground on relationship dynamics and were quite comfortable living alone. Our cultural backgrounds and families appeared similar. We did ply different trades but found a lot of common ground on intellectual and emotional subjects and could communicate easily.

 

I didn't see the age gap as a major issue at the time but, upon reflection, could envision the social aspects perhaps posing issues long-term, like with a marriage and children. No worries though; she is now 43 and the proud mother of a young daughter. It worked out for her, just not with me.

[rach24680]

I have a date with a guy whos 21 and im 23, i know its daft as its only 2 years, but some of his mates are 18 and i hope he's not really immature... If we were both a few years older i'd see no problems. guess i'll wait and see.

[Negative Nancy]

Wonderful attitude, and one that would benefit most people in any relationship.

 

I don't see anything "wonderful" about this attitude at all.

 

I would attest the most success to a relationship with an age gap where you're not even aware of such age gap most of the time, i.e. you are very similar in thinking, maturity etc.

[aussietigerwolf]

I have a 7 year age gap and we're engaged so it can work

[jakoye]

I have recently split up with my b/f-now upgraded to the dating forum, although am aware this may be a rebound thing. However my dilemma is i am 38 and this new guy is 27-just 27. we have only seen each other twice. He seems very keen, not interested in a casual thing (him) and wants to see what happens. I have been honest in so far of my age, my break up and not wanting to rush into anything, but i cant help feeling that whats the point as he's so young. I know there are no guarantees in any relationship so not getting ahead of myself here, but i do want a future with someone one day, someone i can plan with etc, and this just feels like a non starter because of the age thing...and i don't want to waste time basically. Any opinions??

 

If he doesn't want kids, then you have a chance. If he does want kids, then this probably has zero chance of being an LTR.

 

Even if he doesn't want kids, I think it's rare for the older woman/younger man combo to work long-term. I'm not making a blanket statement and saying IT NEVER HAPPENS. It certainly does, but it's rare, and certainly rarer than older man/younger woman.

 

So in sum, your odds are not good long-term, IMO. That said, why not just have fun for as long as it lasts and accept it for what it is?