Consolidated Discussion - Older/younger woman/man and age gap dating

[sleepykitten]

[updated 2016-06-25: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/288549-consolidated-discussion-older-younger-woman-man-age-gap-dating-62.html#post6956738]]

 

Note from moderation: This thread was chosen as a starting point for consolidating discussion of dating older/younger men and women; the risks, the benefits, the challenges, the process. Personal anecdotes are welcomed; general comments/threads will be merged into this thread as seen/reported.

 

The latest October 2015 discussion begins here

 

The latest January 2016 discussion begins here

I have recently split up with my b/f-now upgraded to the dating forum, although am aware this may be a rebound thing. However my dilemma is i am 38 and this new guy is 27-just 27. we have only seen each other twice. He seems very keen, not interested in a casual thing (him) and wants to see what happens. I have been honest in so far of my age, my break up and not wanting to rush into anything, but i cant help feeling that whats the point as he's so young. I know there are no guarantees in any relationship so not getting ahead of myself here, but i do want a future with someone one day, someone i can plan with etc, and this just feels like a non starter because of the age thing...and i don't want to waste time basically. Any opinions??

Edited June 26, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Added link to latest post as of 2016-06-25 ~6

[zengirl]

I have recently split up with my b/f-now upgraded to the dating forum, although am aware this may be a rebound thing. However my dilema is i am 38 and this new guy is 27-just 27. we have only seen each other twice. He seems very keen, not interested in a casual thing (him) and wants to see what happens. I have been honest in so far of my age, my break up and not wanting to rush into anything, but i cant help feeling that whats the point as he's so young. I know there are no garentees in any relationship so not getting ahead of myself here, but i do want a future with someone one day, someone i can plan with etc, and this just feels like a non starter because of the age thing...and i dont want to waste time basically. Any opinions??

 

Honestly, that's not an unreasonable age gap, particularly if he doesn't want kids (or you still do). And I'd say the same to a 38 year old man. That's 11 years, yes, and older than I date (because I do want kids and don't want my husband to be old when they're growing up and don't want to rush right away and have them) at 26, but a 27 year old and a 38 year old aren't really all that tragically different. That said, if he's seeking serious and you're not. . . I would proceed with caution. You may think you're being clear, but make sure he hears what you're saying.

[azsinglegal]

I've dated guys significantly younger then me. 36-26, and 36-27. It never worked out because we were in different places in our lives. Plus, if they want children, I can't give them that. Now, being 38 the guy I'm seeing is 33. We seem to have a lot more in common, but he's not looking for anything serious.

 

I think younger men are fun, but for me, I don't think they're someone I would commit to long term.

[azsinglegal]

Honestly, that's not an unreasonable age gap, particularly if he doesn't want kids (or you still do). And I'd say the same to a 38 year old man. That's 11 years, yes, and older than I date (because I do want kids and don't want my husband to be old when they're growing up and don't want to rush right away and have them) at 26, but a 27 year old and a 38 year old aren't really all that tragically different. That said, if he's seeking serious and you're not. . . I would proceed with caution. You may think you're being clear, but make sure he hears what you're saying.

 

My ex only likes to date younger women in their mid-20s. Then he complains when they break up with him or that they're immature and won't commit.

 

He's 38 and constantly dates women 25-26. We're still friends so it makes me laugh when he tells me they're immature. I think he does it for his ego, it's a big deal for a man his age to get women so much younger then him.

[zengirl]

My ex only likes to date younger women in their mid-20s. Then he complains when they break up with him or that they're immature and won't commit.

 

He's 38 and constantly dates women 25-26. We're still friends so it makes me laugh when he tells me they're immature. I think he does it for his ego, it's a big deal for a man his age to get women so much younger then him.

 

I wouldn't date a 38 year old, but honestly, it depends on the guy or woman how "mature" they are. A lot of my friends are in their early or mid thirties and some of my friends are 22. (I'm 26.) I personally like to stick very close to my age range, more than most, and I find huge gaps or gaps in lifestyle (for instance 32 and 21 to me is a lot different than 27 and 38) weird, as are people who look for a certain age range much younger or older than they are. . . but I don't know that most 26 year olds have trouble committing. I think it's actually a bigger issue if someone is much older and not married (unless they're divorced). . . midtwenties to early thirties is when most people with college educations get married (statistically). I imagine there's more commitment phobia (past or present) rampant among those older than 35 than those closer to 25.

[azsinglegal]

I wouldn't date a 38 year old, but honestly, it depends on the guy or woman how "mature" they are. A lot of my friends are in their early or mid thirties and some of my friends are 22. (I'm 26.) I personally like to stick very close to my age range, more than most, and I find huge gaps or gaps in lifestyle (for instance 32 and 21 to me is a lot different than 27 and 38) weird, as are people who look for a certain age range much younger or older than they are. . . but I don't know that most 26 year olds have trouble committing. I think it's actually a bigger issue if someone is much older and not married (unless they're divorced). . . midtwenties to early thirties is when most people with college educations get married (statistically). I imagine there's more commitment phobia (past or present) rampant among those older than 35 than those closer to 25.

 

I'm single and 38. I've yet to find a man that will commit to a relationship long term, then again...it has a lot to do with me and the men I pick too. I don't always make the best decisions. I choose the hot guys, playboys, and not the guy who's looking to commit.

 

My ex is very immature, which is why he goes for younger women too. I think they're easier to impress then women my age. They also tend to not really see him for who he is, while I saw exactly who he was and I wasn't impressed with his big talk and BS. While we remain friends, our personalities were just too different to make it long term and we both recognized that.

[sleepykitten]

That said, if he's seeking serious and you're not. . . I would proceed with caution. You may think you're being clear, but make sure he hears what you're saying.

 

I hear you...i will see how it goes, too early for the children question lol! But it is something that age gap wise is an issue, i dont have any, am divorced and not bothered about having any, that said I dont actively not want them-ambivilent?? Anyway, this guy does seem really nice, very together, not needy, lives on his own, appears genuine, i really didnt expect to get into anything with anyone so soon-2 mths-after my break up so am questioning my motives-alot, and have been as honest as i can without seeming like an over analytical worry head. I have in my mind got some boudries-only see each other once a week, then see in a couple of weeks where its at, and no labels-usually i am all about the "what is this, are you a boy friend, etc" We have well he has said he would preffer it if i didnt sleep with or kiss/date anyone else, he said he doesnt want to share me. And he said he wouldnt, and he has never been into one night stands, casual flings etc. I have in my past so its quite nice to not have to go through all that again!! Well at least not at the moment anyway.

[thehead]

You got out of a relationship so why not have some fun now? Date him! Who cares if it's a rebound? Over thinking this is going to be the problem. If it doesn't work out, you're both young enough to get back out there into the dating scene. Not every relationship you enter into needs to lead to until death do us part.

[denise_xo]

You should ask Cee to comment on your post/ look up her threads - she's in a similar situation.

[sm1tten]

How is it wasting time to go out with someone, enjoy their company, and see where it goes? I get that you might be worried about investing in someone who doesn't want the same things you want long-term (or may not be interested in being with you long term) but those things aren't solely dependent on age.

 

And FWIW I'm 28 and every relationship I've had with a younger man in my age group (so 2-3 years younger) has failed because we were in different places in life. It probably seems odd that I'm in a different place than a 25 year old but it's not just a maturity thing, and it's not because I want to have kids, but that's been my experience. We had things in common but not enough to make a foundation, for me.

[iris219]

The age difference the OP mentions is something that would make me, personally, feel uncomfortable.

 

Why do many women feel so uncomfortable dating younger men? For me, it doesn’t even have anything to do with maturity levels. It simply makes me feel weird and I can’t explain why.

 

I have a friend who’s trying to set me up with one of her friends, but he’s only 27 (I’m 32), and I just can’t do it. I’d rather date someone 47 vs. 27. I’m not quite sure why I’m so averse to dating younger. I’m not opposed to dating older (even much older) at all.

 

I’m curious: How many of you know of successful relationships where the woman is at least 5 years older?

 

(I know it’s working for Cee, but that seems like an exception).

[Cee]

You should ask Cee to comment on your post/ look up her threads - she's in a similar situation.

 

I guess I'm the resident cougar on Love Shack

 

Many on Love Shack know I'm 41 and in a LTR with a man who is 24. I wrote him off immediately as a dating prospect when I found out his age. But after dating a ton of jerks who were my age, I went on a date with him. It was going to be one date and then I expected him to flake like other men. He didn't flake and we kept dating. At first, I thought there was no future because I don't want kids and most young guys do. It turns out he has no interest in having children. And that became the game changer. He became a real possibility.

 

We have been together for almost 7 months and he is the most amazing man I've ever dated. I have a ton of insecurity about the age gap, but he swears he doesn't care. And he loves me for me. I am at the point now where I want him as my life partner, but I haven't told him that. I am going to give the relationship more time and see what happens.

 

With all that said, most relationships fail. There are no guarantees, but I suggest you not dismiss a man who likes you and treats you well. Those men are rare, whereas men who will use you and discard you are plentiful. The trick is knowing the difference.

 

I say that you give him a chance and see what happens.

[azsinglegal]

I once went on a date with a guy who was 21 and I was 36. I was embarrassed in public, I felt like his mother. He looked really young too.

 

I applaud you for your relationship Cee. It's not something I could do.

[Ruby Slippers]

Relationships in which the guy is younger are becoming more common, and I think it's a great development. In the past, I said no way to dating a younger guy, but as I've seen more and more successful couples like this, I've totally changed my mind.

 

One of my sisters is in her 50s and is married to an awesome guy in his 30s. They've been together for years and seem very happy together. As far as I can see, he's the best partner she's had by far, and he seems totally crazy about her.

 

I say go for it!

[zengirl]

The age difference the OP mentions is something that would make me, personally, feel uncomfortable.

 

[snip]

 

I’m curious: How many of you know of successful relationships where the woman is at least 5 years older?

 

(I know it’s working for Cee, but that seems like an exception).

 

Not 11 years, but my Mom is 6 years older than my stepfather. They got together when she was 31 and he was 25. She also had a 6 year old kid (me), but she didn't want any more kids. He did want kids, but he was fine with just being a father to me. They've been together for 20 years now.

 

I wouldn't go much younger than my age now at 26 because I think 22 is just vastly different mindset since you're still in/just out of college, but at 30, I'd date guys in their mid-twenties. No worries.

 

However, I had a similar complex as well for a bit. I dated a guy who was a year younger than me for about a month and it made me feel "old." But it's just social pressure. I got over it. We didn't work out for reasons unrelated to his age, but we're still friends.

 

Female 48

Male 37

 

This is a big deal. A guy 37 can easily date a woman that is in her mid 20s.

In addition the sex drive of the 48 year old female may start to go down.

 

Women's sex drives go up over time whereas male sex drives go down. Women peak sexually in their 40s, men in their 20s. I wouldn't worry about the sex drive issue as much, honestly.

 

I hear you...i will see how it goes, too early for the children question lol!

 

To me, the children question is something you decide yourself that has nothing to do with the relationship---I didn't mean that you would know if you wanted to have kids with this guy!

[Cee]

I once went on a date with a guy who was 21 and I was 36. I was embarrassed in public, I felt like his mother. He looked really young too.

 

I applaud you for your relationship Cee. It's not something I could do.

 

I look young for my age and that made it easier to date younger men. I have always looked young for my age, which was annoying in my 20s. One time a bartender wouldn't serve me and said I must be 13 when I was 21. My boyfriend comments how young I look, but I think he's in love and exaggerating.

 

Even though I have been pursued a lot by younger men, men my age pass on me. They want to date a younger woman, not a woman who looks younger. Go figure.

[zengirl]

Cee, I look young too. College boys are always asking me out even now (like the ones who can't drink in the bar) and when I went to college, everyone thought I was my Mom's younger sister and my stepfather was both of our Dad! The guy across the hall hit on my Mom in front of me and my Stepdad! (My mom was 41 at the time, and I was 16, so I understood why I looked so young, but she really did look like she was in her early 20s even then.)

 

Pierre, in most cases, menopause doesn't happen at 48 (nor does it happen all at once). I honestly wouldn't worry so much about it. After a girl's night out event I organized that had way too many cougar divorcees, I am way too sure women still have sex drives into their late 50s if not longer. And there aren't a lot of 48 year old women peeing themselves and needing adult diapers or anything, geez.

[Cee]

Pierre, I think clitoral and G-spot sensation are spared during menopause. Lubricant works wonders.

 

I work in the HIV field and one of the growing groups for STDs are older adults. Really, people are getting laid at all ages even well into their 70s and 80s.

 

I haven't had peri-menopause yet, so I don't know from first hand knowledge. But as long as I stay fit and mentally well, I can't imagine losing interest in sexy time. I mean I've been masturbating regularly for over 20 years. I can't imagine that ever stopping - partner or no partner.

[123321]

Women's sex drives go up over time whereas male sex drives go down. Women peak sexually in their 40s, men in their 20s. I wouldn't worry about the sex drive issue as much, honestly.

 

Yeah, and Ferraris get slower over time and as a bicyclist gets in shape they speed up. Therefore next year a bicycle will win F1.

 

Men have a lot more testosterone blowing through their veins at ANY time in life than a normal woman does. Marrying an older woman is a recipe for disaster if you feel that sex is an important part of the relationship.

 

 

As a bonus, the new crop of 20-something women are now people who have learned a lot about sex from Internet porn, so they tend to be more open and experimental on average.

[iris219]

Not 11 years, but my Mom is 6 years older than my stepfather. They got together when she was 31 and he was 25. She also had a 6 year old kid (me), but she didn't want any more kids. He did want kids, but he was fine with just being a father to me. They've been together for 20 years now.

 

This is really nice to hear.

 

I agree that as women we're socialized to feel weird about dating someone younger because we're taught to find someone mature who will take care of us (I mean emotionally here) and teach us new things--not that a younger man couldn't; it's just become a stereotype that they can't. And posts like Pierre's don't help. It's typical for a guy to say that a man always wants to date younger, but I don't think that's true. Women are often more reluctant to date younger, while most men would date older without thinking too much about it.

[Ruby Slippers]

These threads always attract jealous woman haters. Ignore them and enjoy your sexy man.

[zengirl]

This is really nice to hear.

 

I agree that as women we're socialized to feel weird about dating someone younger because we're taught to find someone mature who will take care of us (I mean emotionally here) and teach us new things--not that a younger man couldn't; it's just become a stereotype that they can't. And posts like Pierre's don't help. It's typical for a guy to say that a man always wants to date younger, but I don't think that's true. Women are often more reluctant to date younger, while most men would date older without thinking too much about it.

 

Yeah, most guys I know have no issue with dating older. I mean, not as old as their mother or anything, but within 10 years or so, they seem fine. Provided the woman is attractive.

 

Re: Sex

 

Well, not that I like to think about it because they're my parents (and ew), but I'm pretty sure my parents (mom & stepdad) still have sex. They're like the most romantic, passionate couple in the room wherever they go. They still travel together, he still buys her flowers, she still calls him "handsome" all the time. They have a great marriage. The idea that "sex dies off" in a marriage is probably very real, but I think it has absolutely nothing to do with age (or even menopause) and everything to do with whether the couple cultivates romance, affection, and passion together over time. Not that they have a huge age difference, but I guess they're both in their "unsexy" years by Pierre's standards. He's in his late 40s and she's in her early 50s.

 

I don't think those golfer guys aren't having sex because of their wife's menopause. It's because the sexual and relationship connection isn't well-sustained. And testosterone does little to promote sexuality in a woman; women tend to be sexy and feel sexual for totally different chemical and emotional reasons, so not sure what the guy (12331) is talking about with testosterone levels. If you want great sex for the rest of your life, I think the surest key is to maintain an enduring emotional connection with your spouse. (Which takes the work of both parties, of course.)

 

The bigger issue with marrying an older woman would likely be if her looks faded faster, since men are more visually driven (though when they're in love, even that's less true), but that's really not an issue related to age since people age at different rates, visually.

[Ruby Slippers]

And testosterone does little to promote sexuality in a woman; women tend to be sexy and feel sexual for totally different chemical and emotional reasons, so not sure what the guy (12331) is talking about with testosterone levels.

Sorry, this is not correct. Testosterone fuels sex drive in both men and women.

 

According to Gabrielle Lichterman, testosterone levels have a direct impact on a woman's interest in sex. According to her, testosterone levels rise gradually from about the 24th day of a woman's menstrual cycle until ovulation on about the 14th day of the next cycle, and during this period the woman's desire for sex increases consistently. The 13th day is generally the day with the highest testosterone levels. In the week following ovulation, the testosterone level is the lowest and as a result women will experience less interest in sex.

[zengirl]

Sorry, this is not correct. Testosterone fuels sex drive in both men and women.

 

According to Gabrielle Lichterman, testosterone levels have a direct impact on a woman's interest in sex. According to her, testosterone levels rise gradually from about the 24th day of a woman's menstrual cycle until ovulation on about the 14th day of the next cycle, and during this period the woman's desire for sex increases consistently. The 13th day is generally the day with the highest testosterone levels. In the week following ovulation, the testosterone level is the lowest and as a result women will experience less interest in sex.

 

Of course testosterone has an impact on interest in sex. But I don't believe the drop in levels (nor do studies bear it out) significantly impacts women's sex drive and the way it changes throughout their lifetime as much as men. There are plenty of studies that show how complicated all this chemistry is, and it's not so simple as most testosterone = more interest in sex all the time, even without psychological factors involved. Relying purely on comparisons of testosterone levels vastly oversimplifies this issue.

[Ruby Slippers]

You really do have this obsessive need to be right, and quite a know-it-all attitude. You should work on that. It's purely an ego issue, and it's not doing you any favors.

 

I don't expect you to listen to what I'm saying, but it never hurts to speak the truth.