My mother slapped me and I'm pissed

[KaReNine]

I have been ironing since I was 12, laundry for six at 15 and babysitting at 10. I had to watch my mother cook, so you are right about the stove watching.

Wow you sure were a hard-worker with little breaks. I know how to do the laundry but not ironing.

[KaReNine]

I hear a latent undertone here.

 

To me it says black = religious upbringing and corporal punishment. White = being rational and not engaging in corporal punishment.. also by and large unreligious.

 

I have grown up in both types of household so this does interest me.

 

The OP came across as a white person to me but I may be wrong. I think her response is typical of white culture.

Yes Eve I'm white (I've been called a gringa by an hispanic student once). It's so funny when I get the ESOL students by surprise as they're struggling to communicate in English. I'm like ''Hablaime en espanol si tu deseas (not sure if I spelled it right, lol)''.

[KaReNine]

And for the record, I have a HS aged son who has lettered in 3 sports, is in honors or AP classes with a 4.48 average

With the exception in sports, we're close in GPA though he beats me by 5 points (mine is 4.43). Hopefully I'll get to make it to either Valedictorian or Salutatorian upon my graduation in 2013.

[Lucky_One]

With the exception in sports, we're close in GPA though he beats me by 5 points (mine is 4.43). Hopefully I'll get to make it to either Valedictorian or Salutatorian upon my graduation in 2013.

 

Good girl!!! That would be fantastic!

 

He won't be; he has a circle of highly competitive friends who are all nutso smart. He has a class rank of 8 out of 327. He's ok with it - he says he would have to give up social stuff to study anymore, and he hates to study.

 

Truly am glad that you and your mom have patched things up. Part of the scariest thing about parenting is watching your children make (or your fear that they will make) the same mistakes that you did. It is hard for kids (heck, it is hard for anyone) to take advice from someone else's experience rather than learn it for yourself, but it is harder as a mom to watch your beloved child try things that you KNOW could bring so much pain and misery.

[bentnotbroken]

Wow it'll probably take me an hour to read all the responses I missed so I'm gonna read the last ones and then go back to the previous ones.

 

To update this, yes I've said on one of my previous post that it has all been sorted out by now. We have apologized to each other and then I was told her story. I didn't know she used to be a heavy drinker and how difficult it was to quit drinking.

Needless to say I still got grounded for the entire month. I can't go out with my friends during that time unless it's something important such as relating to school or family reunion.

 

 

I think you and your mother are blessed to have each other. Talking through problems and issues allows for a better understanding of where each are coming from. And for the record I think you both show great maturity is apologizing. It isn't easy to admit our actions hurt another even when we know full well it does. Kudos and keep up the good work. That month will fly by and you will have learned a valuable lesson. My family has a history of alcoholism, it is hard sometimes to see your child in a situation that one has witnessed causes major destruction if allowed to grow.

 

You aren't alone. We all have done things as young people to test the limits. I think it is human nature to see just how much we can get away with:D. Be blessed.

[turnera]

If I am honest I think many ethnic families are mainly concerned with their children becoming too involved in taking on the attitude of white culture over and above anything else and can go to extreme measures to prevent these attitudes in their children.

We used to discuss this with DD20's godfather, who was black. He was a well-to-do businessman, had dealings with a couple of presidents even, and lived in a 'black' town. He spent many years doing philanthropy there, building parks and sponsoring kids through college, things like that. And yet, at the end of it all, he got a lot of flak from other blacks in his town, who told him he was 'too white.' When I asked him what that meant, he just shrugged and said he figured it meant that he went out and started a business and got rich and they didn't.

[turnera]

My parents did not believe in allowance. My mother rewarded my good grades and housework, with girls only shopping excursions.

Man, I wish I had thought of that!

[turnera]

Wow it'll probably take me an hour to read all the responses I missed so I'm gonna read the last ones and then go back to the previous ones.

 

To update this, yes I've said on one of my previous post that it has all been sorted out by now. We have apologized to each other and then I was told her story. I didn't know she used to be a heavy drinker and how difficult it was to quit drinking.

Needless to say I still got grounded for the entire month. I can't go out with my friends during that time unless it's something important such as relating to school or family reunion.

KaReN, that is a GREAT update! The one thing I regret most is not knowing more about my mother, and now it's too late. It's wonderful that she shared that with you, and it's even better that you can now understand where her fear came from.

 

Communication really is king.

 

And I can tell that you understand the ramifications of what you did and understand the need for a consequence as a natural result and as a long-term benefit in you growing up to be a well-adjusted, happy young woman. Best of luck!

 

Oh, I will share one thing with you. I raised my daughter with logic, you know? Always explaining why we do this or that, the consequences of that or this, why you should think twice before getting in a car with an inexperienced teenage male driver, lol, things like that.

 

She's been a model kid, and I've only had to punish her once. She's almost 21 now. Anyway, a couple years ago, her dad asked her why she never got in trouble like all her friends seemed to, who were always having to cancel on things because they were always getting grounded. He asked her why, and she just shrugged and said 'why would I do things that I know I'm going to get punished for?' Pretty cool thinking, huh?

[Dooda]

Since you blocked me earlier (or threatened to), Dooda, it is doubtful that you read this. But just like I told you before - it is time for you to stop your ranting of the past 2 years on LS and either get therapy to overcome your severe anger at the abuse you felt you received as a child or get over it on your own. But you can't manage to post on a thread here without bringing up all the horrors of life that you have experienced. I know a lot of people (I am of advanced age) and many of them have gone through a lot of terrible things (familial abuse, spouse abuse, rape, deployment, murder of a family member, drug abuse, to name a few), and they aren't compelled by their pain or anger to bring it up in every conversation. Because if they did, they would end up with precious few friends - people don't want to be around others with unhealthy obsessions over their own pasts when they aren't trying to make their own futures better.

 

Back to the topic of abuse. I was recently accused on LS by one poster who said that it sounded as though I raised my son in a culture of fear and intimidation. And that is very far from the truth. We have very clear household rules, and these are sometimes deviated from. An example was that my son doesn't leave his shoes in the living room floor - he carries them to his room. Why? Because I said so, and I am the parent and it is my house. I don't bother with trying to "reason" with him as to why shoes on the floor are unacceptable to me, as there really is no health or safety reason to use as a good argument. "Son, move your shoes upstairs. Mom, I think they are fine in the corner there by the door. Son, I don't like them there. Mom, I do. Son, they are unattractive and I don't like them there. Mom, they are handy and they don't smell, and I DO like them there." I don't freaking think so - this is my house, and I am the parent. Shoes go upstairs because I say so. NOT because I am militant or abusive or cruel or illogical. I did spank my child on rare occasions, but I don't remember spanking him past the age of 3 or so.

 

And for the record, I have a HS aged son who has lettered in 3 sports, is in honors or AP classes with a 4.48 average, doesn't break curfew, says ma'am and excuse me, and who loves me deeply; we have a strong, respectful relationship where he feels free to tell me about problems he has and where I ask his opinion on life decisions that I must make for our family.

 

And if he came in drunk and if I was upset and was yelling at him, and if he called me a c*nt, you are damn straight I would slap the everliving crap out of him. Drunkenness happens in life, upset and yelling happens in life - but calling 1) a woman 2) an adult 3) your mother the 'c' word will only happen in MY house once. And I had best never hear of him calling another woman such a vile name again.

 

(For empirical evidence based on where this thread now seems to be heading - son and I are white, and I was raised in the South by conservative, upper-middle class Episcopalians although I now live in another part of the country. Divorced mom, remarried, XH is still firmly a part of child's life - just in case anyone here is looking at statistics or familial status for "abuse".)

 

Hi there.

I was simply trying to bring up a story since Lady Day had brought up her own story, and show that abuse is not something that works, and in most cases it ends up bringing more problems than it does benefits.

Its not "every post" where I 'rant' about my past, as you so wisely and considerately say. And frankly, I can do whatever the hell I want to without having to be harassed by other members of LS (ie you).

Your life lessons are, once again, invaluable, however having to say maam to my mother is not an environment I would like to grow up in. I would like to see the parent child relationship as a human one, as a teacher student relationship rather than a master slave relationship.

I would like to know that rules are brought forth by reasoning, and not by illogical needs for control and censorship. The end result of you not explaining why the shoes must go upstairs (you used this as an example) will create in your child the reasoning that some rules must simply be followed, and we can not understand the reasoning behind them. This is wrong. Every rule we follow, every law we're forced to obey should be scrutinized, and obedience should not be given blindly.

In the end, no one will change their opinion, so please, you keep conforming your child to a lawful and obeying society.

[Dooda]

KaReN, that is a GREAT update! The one thing I regret most is not knowing more about my mother, and now it's too late. It's wonderful that she shared that with you, and it's even better that you can now understand where her fear came from.

 

Communication really is king.

 

And I can tell that you understand the ramifications of what you did and understand the need for a consequence as a natural result and as a long-term benefit in you growing up to be a well-adjusted, happy young woman. Best of luck!

 

Oh, I will share one thing with you. I raised my daughter with logic, you know? Always explaining why we do this or that, the consequences of that or this, why you should think twice before getting in a car with an inexperienced teenage male driver, lol, things like that.

 

She's been a model kid, and I've only had to punish her once. She's almost 21 now. Anyway, a couple years ago, her dad asked her why she never got in trouble like all her friends seemed to, who were always having to cancel on things because they were always getting grounded. He asked her why, and she just shrugged and said 'why would I do things that I know I'm going to get punished for?' Pretty cool thinking, huh?

 

Ohhhh, its great to have a golden girl. Imagine if she wasn't so golden?

[turnera]

But she is. Because of how I raised her.

[Emme]

You said in your previous post, that raising a child isn't taxing and challenging.

 

As for your life ending when theirs begins, that seems quite a disturbing way to look at it. Your life doesn't end. You carry on being a breathing, thinking functioning human being. So I think what you're actually saying is that you stop living for yourself and start living for your child. Then through your child. Which is a recipe for becoming a stifling, controlling parent.

 

 

People view the world through their own eyes. The manner in which one sees the world is how they live their life. Life is not hard. That is my opinion. Some people actually don’t know that the things they consider hard is actually the easy breezy walks in like. This is my opinion. The one thing that I have learned in life is that dealing with death is the most taxing and challenging thing. Nothing else compares. Yet life goes on when everyone is dead and buried. That is how I view the world. To me something that might seem taxing and challenging to someone is easy to me. If no one is dead... life is blissful. Whatever doesn’t kill me only makes me stronger.

 

The way I view my life ending and theirs beginning has nothing to do with superficial crap. It means that I am no longer living for me. I am living for them. It’s no longer about “me” and “only me.” I hope you understand those words now. You lay down your life and there is no second guessing.

 

 

 

My father was not a perfect parent by any means, but he progressed and grew as a person as a result of the parenting role. He realised there were issues about his own childhood that he had to lay to rest and that he had to get some grip over his temper. For all his faults and temper, he is aware of them, has remained open to learning throughout his life - and I think he can say he has had a successful life in many ways as he has been able to adapt to changing circumstances around him.

 

Which is essence of survival. The fittest are the most adapable (though I have an inkling that Darwinian theory and you will not be friends).

 

I see. I'll leave you in peace to carry on spreading your manifesto.

 

My best wishes with your continued relations with your father.

[Emme]

Which island are you from?

 

I have been ironing since I was 12, laundry for six at 15 and babysitting at 10. I had to watch my mother cook, so you are right about the stove watching.

 

My mother was a drill sergeant back then, but it paid off.

 

My parents did not believe in allowance. My mother rewarded my good grades and housework, with girls only shopping excursions.

 

Girl I'm from the Island of Coconut Water and White Rum.

 

I met a lady once who beat us both. She said she's been working since she was 4 I think. She was like when her brother and sisters had to pick crops it was her job to stay and watch the baskets when they filled up. I can't beat that... .

 

Don't even talk about food/cooking. I should really go into the T-shirt business. The term "I don't cook" is rampant. Not only "I don't cook" but "I don't know how to cook."

 

Parents please teach your children how to cook, please. Also teach your boys how to sew on a button, girls too but get the boys a needle and thread.

[Dooda]

But she is. Because of how I raised her.

 

Ah, see, that's where the problem lies. I have a sibling who is the golden child.

You were lucky enough to give birth to a child who suits your parenting methods well enough and was the alpha-female type of person.

The problem with such narrow-minded parents who create such a strict and harsh environment is that they do not know how to adapt in order to teach and parent a child who is not so chain-bound, or who is more free-spirited.

[RoderM5]

I chose to date and marry white males, because I found that they treated me much better than black men.

I agree and one example can be what Rhianna's black ex BF Chris Brown did to her.

We whites in general are always taught not to ever hit a girl, not even if she hits first (it's still not acceptable) and don't insult her.

 

If my parents or brother ever saw me doing any of the above, I would have had it coming, no ifs or buts regarding this.

[turnera]

Ah, see, that's where the problem lies. I have a sibling who is the golden child.

You were lucky enough to give birth to a child who suits your parenting methods well enough and was the alpha-female type of person.

The problem with such narrow-minded parents who create such a strict and harsh environment is that they do not know how to adapt in order to teach and parent a child who is not so chain-bound, or who is more free-spirited.

lol

 

It's a shame you can't look at life through anything but your crappy lenses.

 

My daughter was raised as an equal, as long as she understood that Dad and I had final say. The three of us would take turns choosing where to go out to eat or what to do. We now take turns choosing what movies to watch on DVD or where to go on the weekends. I enrolled her in any activity she wanted, most of which she wasn't interested in, so I let her quit. I have spanked her exactly once, on vacation, and she doesn't even remember me doing it. I have grounded her once, for 'experimenting' with photographs and a boy. I explained how such things can come back and bite you in the butt, and she never did anything like it again. She pushed herself to get ahead in school even though I told her to just have fun and enjoy high school. She buys nonfiction and psychology books for fun. She used to spend her allowance on school workbooks, because it was fun to her. I raised her to respect herself and not need a guy to complete her, and she's turned down a couple dozen guys who want to date her, because they don't meet her criteria. She joined one of those date sites and cancelled it because she got bored with all the guys hitting on her. The closest I ever got to being a disciplinarian was 'forcing' her to go to church at least once or twice a month while growing up, because my parents didn't take me and I wanted her to at least understand Christianity so she could decide if she wanted to stay in it as an adult; so far, as an adult, she doesn't, and I don't really care. Since she's an only child, we usually let her bring one of her friends on our vacations, so she'll have someone her age to hang out with, and we end up paying for them to come (still can't figure that one out, where the other parents don't offer to pay for their kids).

 

Yeah. She is so oppressed. She'll probably end up writing a book about how bad her life was.

[turnera]

My brother and I are often called "white washed". We speak properly, dress with class and have done well for ourselves. I guess we aren't "black" enough, because we do not fit the stereotypes. People often think we are white over the phone.

 

Black women sneer at me and say "I could NEVER be with a white guy!" When I ask them how well black men treat them, they look ashamed.

It is so sad, but the majority of black fathers I have seen have several "babymothers". They are proud to have as many children as possible and think nothing of leaving the mothers to struggle alone. Not ALL black men are irresponsible cheaters, just the ones I have been exposed to...caribbean men.

 

I chose to date and marry white males, because I found that they treated me much better than black men.

That's interesting! DD20's two best friends are black, and they both date only white guys.

 

Did you see that guy on tv a couple years ago, some start athlete, black guy, who was bragging that he had, I think, 13 different kids, from 13 different girls? I wanted to cry for those poor kids.

[RoderM5]

I think the OP got lucky. As for me, I don't want to think what my mother would have done if I had ever used that word.

 

I could get away with anything, from lying, being a brat, etc except disrespecting a girls/women or even daring to hit one. That was considered the only single disgrace and would have been grounds for an immediate spanking. Luckily I never dare to even go there.

[bentnotbroken]

I agree and one example can be what Rhianna's black ex BF Chris Brown did to her.

We whites in general are always taught not to ever hit a girl, not even if she hits first (it's still not acceptable) and don't insult her.

 

If my parents or brother ever saw me doing any of the above, I would have had it coming, no ifs or buts regarding this.

 

 

This is so generalized.

[RoderM5]

This is so generalized.

Maybe it's an exaggeration but in my 20 years, I never hear one good thing about them. There are more black prisoners, thiefs, women beaters, etc than whites.

I know there are good black men as well as bad white men but so far, all I see is vice-versa.

[bentnotbroken]

Maybe it's an exaggeration but in my 20 years, I never hear one good thing about them. There are more black prisoners, thiefs, women beaters, etc than whites.

I know there are good black men as well as bad white men but so far, all I see is vice-versa.

 

 

Yes...so let's do generalizations shall we? I see more white serial killers, more white men who steal the fortunes of the poor and working class and more white men who hide their children or pay to abort them than black men. Is that my experience personally...not at all but the stats don't lie or do they? I live in a very rural southern area. The wife beaters/murders, welfare recipients, special needs children and drug busts happen among whites more than blacks. The unemployment rates are double digit the drop out rates edge blacks slightly.

 

I and most of my friends grew up in two parent homes with two working parents who stressed education, God and community. I have never been hit by a black man(nor white one), I know as many black men with out children out of wedlock as I do black men with college degrees. My parents were married until my father's death(over 40 years), both sets of my grandparents were married until death and I can trace my lineage 7 generations(black, native american and irish).

 

The small world we live in is not always accurately representative of an entire population or or group of people. We see what we want to see....right or wrong.

[turnera]

It does no good to generalize. Look at Norway.

[bentnotbroken]

It does no good to generalize. Look at Norway.

 

 

I know and OP I apologize for the T/J. I am sorry. I'm out.

[Dooda]

lol

 

It's a shame you can't look at life through anything but your crappy lenses.

 

My daughter was raised as an equal, as long as she understood that Dad and I had final say. The three of us would take turns choosing where to go out to eat or what to do. We now take turns choosing what movies to watch on DVD or where to go on the weekends. I enrolled her in any activity she wanted, most of which she wasn't interested in, so I let her quit. I have spanked her exactly once, on vacation, and she doesn't even remember me doing it. I have grounded her once, for 'experimenting' with photographs and a boy. I explained how such things can come back and bite you in the butt, and she never did anything like it again. She pushed herself to get ahead in school even though I told her to just have fun and enjoy high school. She buys nonfiction and psychology books for fun. She used to spend her allowance on school workbooks, because it was fun to her. I raised her to respect herself and not need a guy to complete her, and she's turned down a couple dozen guys who want to date her, because they don't meet her criteria. She joined one of those date sites and cancelled it because she got bored with all the guys hitting on her. The closest I ever got to being a disciplinarian was 'forcing' her to go to church at least once or twice a month while growing up, because my parents didn't take me and I wanted her to at least understand Christianity so she could decide if she wanted to stay in it as an adult; so far, as an adult, she doesn't, and I don't really care. Since she's an only child, we usually let her bring one of her friends on our vacations, so she'll have someone her age to hang out with, and we end up paying for them to come (still can't figure that one out, where the other parents don't offer to pay for their kids).

 

Yeah. She is so oppressed. She'll probably end up writing a book about how bad her life was.

 

Brag much ?

You're right, though. I do tend to generalize based on my own perceptions.

[turnera]

Brag much ?

Rather like countering your assertion that I ran a strict household and raised her to fear me. Couldn't be further from the truth. And she still turned out great. I am her best friend by her admittance.

 

Just shows that one needn't be ANY extreme, one way or the other. Those people like you who did have an extremely bad childhood have a hard time seeing that most people actually grew up in nurturing, yet STRICT, households and benefited from the dichotomy.