Guys what the hell is wrong with my GF?

[John Davis]

Yea - and if either one of you were mature you'd either talk this out or just break up. Now it's a power struggle? Please.

 

And stop throwing around BPD - you're only doing it so it makes you feel good so when you guys break up you can drop any responsibility on your part and just say "my ex was bipolar" I've seen guys do it a million times. You're the one that went on and on about the true love you have for one another and now you're diagnosing her with BPD AND talking about things like this:

 

 

Yea - that's total love.

 

 

Snap out of it. No way this is healthy - even if it is all her fault - which it's not. I'll just say it. YOU ARE IN A BAD RELATIONSHIP. So get out.

On the contrary, if I DIDN'T love her I would forget everything, that would be so easy and I've done that before to no avail. She needs to change for her own benefit and we'll see how much she values our relationship. Like I said, in order to love you need to fight for something, invest yourself and be afraid to lose something. I need to become that.

 

You may be right in saying I should get out of the relationship and thank you for that. I'm sick of being the one who has to analyze everything, what has she analyzed? I'll allow her empty space, a world without me, so she can decide if she wants to continue or not. It's to see how much she values things. If she cannot put aside her stubborn self who resists everything, put her pride aside then I cannot continue to beat myself up over nothing.

[John Davis]

Just b/c guys place the blame a little bit on either a woman or a disorder by a woman...it isn't a slap in the face or a devaluation of all women. Same with people with disorders. I see a pattern...I ask if this happens...they verify.. I don't need validation by jaded people or so-called "realists" every time someone sees the same pattern (this is what SCIENCE is after all). It is his choice whether to give up or not..I don't advocate emotional abuse of a partner..but the same people would act like NC isn't the same thing. It's his choice whether to take the info and fight with it or not..but I'd rather make choices informed...not jaded..not fearing someone's projecting their gender or weakness on a scenario.

 

Sorry, but I get this a lot on a bunch of subjects. People throw baseless charges like we're not taking responsibility, simply b/c knowing what we're dealing with speeds up our own recovery while they burn in the mystery. We're not just sitting burning..we're working/researching and trying to work things out. Just b/c you can't or worn't...doesn't delegitimize our efforts..even if you can use personal blanket statements to make our efforts appear trite and ulterior.

Thanks sinnister.

 

Just a note to the others, maybe my efforts at analyzing my GF are exaggerated and bothersome to some but remember, I wouldn't be doing this if it were not for the strange behavior. I know that one must be patient and understanding in a relationship, which I am, but if it gets to a point where things start upsetting me then that means she needs to make the appropriate changes. Whenever something upset her (however unorthodox it felt for me) I'd try to change. Girlfriend behavior is pretty much the same everywhere, there can be variations of the same behavior due to differing personalities but what I see aren't variations but deviations from what she used to be thus I am acting as such.

[John Davis]

So just an update on things, guys. She called and said they stayed there an extra day, she didn't seem upset or anything in her voice. I said so why are you calling and she said well you didn't answer yesterday so I called you now and said she's going to call when she's back in town.

[westrock]

You're obviously a smart guy if you're studying for your Ph.D.... and you're obviously hurting here. The way to resolve this is for you to stop handling this like a high school student and start acting like a confident adult.

 

From what you've written it seems to me that you have a lot of abandonment issues and insecurity. Did you have any abandonment issues growing up? It seems that you need constant validation which is detrimental to a healthy relationship. What you have now is not healthy in a relationship and will cause you lots of unnecessary stress and anxiety.

 

Be a girl for God sake,call me and cry you know? Every guy wants that.

 

Uhhhh... no.

 

It's good that she took the mature approach and called you again (despite the fact that you told her not to call you and expected her to text you). But you want her to cry? The only guys who want that are guys who are emotional abusers. I don't think that's how you want to be viewed.

 

I know you're hurting, but I hope you realize this is all about your insecurity and abandonment issues. If you want to get this back on track, you should set aside your pride and address your abandonment issues. Until you do, you're going to run into this same issue in every relationship you're in. It's your choice.

[Fedor]

So just an update on things, guys. She called and said they stayed there an extra day, she didn't seem upset or anything in her voice. I said so why are you calling and she said well you didn't answer yesterday so I called you now and said she's going to call when she's back in town.

 

Why are you acting pissed off when she is trying to reach out to you? It's simple John, if your not happy then you need to get out of the relationship. If neither of you are willing to compromise then this relationship is a done deal. Stop expecting her to come crawling back crying to you that she misses you. Ive been there and done that. If you love her, then try to sit down with her and discuss what has been bothering you. Talk things out! Relationships need communication man. Your just driving the rift farther apart by trying to ignore her.

[vsmini]

I know that one must be patient and understanding in a relationship, which I am, but if it gets to a point where things start upsetting me then that means she needs to make the appropriate changes. Whenever something upset her (however unorthodox it felt for me) I'd try to change.

 

There.it.is.

 

So.....even if it was out of your comfort zone - something you didn't feel right about - you CHANGED for her? And now you want her to do the same thing for you because you did it for her....and the rationalization is....I love her and I did it for her and because she isn't doing it for me then she must not love me.

 

I can see the rationale behind it - i really, really can. Because I did the same thing in a past relationship (a relationship I learned from after it was over and had tremendous growth from). THIS is not what love is, what a relationship is about. It's not about changing yourself for others or sacrificing something you think is important because in turn you can expect them to sacrifice something important for you down the road. And we aren't talking about compromise here (which is necessary in a good relationship) What you're talking about doesn't sound like compromise...don't get confused by that. Don't hang that sh*t over her head and she shouldn't do that to you either.

 

Everyone is telling you the same stuff John....doesn't that mean something? When is the lightbulb going to go on for you?

 

You don't have to keep doing this - get out of it if you want. You control your own life and your own happiness. Do some reflecting and take action, no matter what the outcome may be.

 

I'd also like to say that many mature people who have a firm grasp on who they are and what they want in their lives don't say "I'm upset so SHE needs to make the appropriate changes." Usually they know that people don't really change that way - so instead of stomping their feet and wanting them to change - they just leave. They do their best to communicate the issue one or two times and if still not fixed...then LEAVE.

Edited June 4, 2011 by vsmini

[John Davis]

You're obviously a smart guy if you're studying for your Ph.D.... and you're obviously hurting here. The way to resolve this is for you to stop handling this like a high school student and start acting like a confident adult.

 

From what you've written it seems to me that you have a lot of abandonment issues and insecurity. Did you have any abandonment issues growing up? It seems that you need constant validation which is detrimental to a healthy relationship. What you have now is not healthy in a relationship and will cause you lots of unnecessary stress and anxiety.

 

 

 

Uhhhh... no.

 

It's good that she took the mature approach and called you again (despite the fact that you told her not to call you and expected her to text you). But you want her to cry? The only guys who want that are guys who are emotional abusers. I don't think that's how you want to be viewed.

 

I know you're hurting, but I hope you realize this is all about your insecurity and abandonment issues. If you want to get this back on track, you should set aside your pride and address your abandonment issues. Until you do, you're going to run into this same issue in every relationship you're in. It's your choice.

I'm starting to understand, and yes perhaps I exaggerated things. She said we'll fix this and figure it out, and that she has no explanation other than that she had no time and she was on holiday... we'll have a talk about this and I'll try to be as mature as possible. Maybe this is good for me as in I'm going to more relaxed about things and if something disappoints me then just talk about it. Thanks.

[John Davis]

You're obviously a smart guy if you're studying for your Ph.D.... and you're obviously hurting here. The way to resolve this is for you to stop handling this like a high school student and start acting like a confident adult.

 

From what you've written it seems to me that you have a lot of abandonment issues and insecurity. Did you have any abandonment issues growing up? It seems that you need constant validation which is detrimental to a healthy relationship. What you have now is not healthy in a relationship and will cause you lots of unnecessary stress and anxiety.

 

 

 

Uhhhh... no.

 

It's good that she took the mature approach and called you again (despite the fact that you told her not to call you and expected her to text you). But you want her to cry? The only guys who want that are guys who are emotional abusers. I don't think that's how you want to be viewed.

 

I know you're hurting, but I hope you realize this is all about your insecurity and abandonment issues. If you want to get this back on track, you should set aside your pride and address your abandonment issues. Until you do, you're going to run into this same issue in every relationship you're in. It's your choice.

Well now that I know she's not completely obsessed with me I think it's starting to give me comfort, thing is for months we've been 'too close' as some people have told me upon reflection. In retrospect, we indeed have been seeing each other a lot more than 'normal' couples I guess because jobs and things like that didn't get in the way. I'll just talk about this with her in a mature way, I guess I owe it to her.

[John Davis]

You're obviously a smart guy if you're studying for your Ph.D.... and you're obviously hurting here. The way to resolve this is for you to stop handling this like a high school student and start acting like a confident adult.

 

From what you've written it seems to me that you have a lot of abandonment issues and insecurity. Did you have any abandonment issues growing up? It seems that you need constant validation which is detrimental to a healthy relationship. What you have now is not healthy in a relationship and will cause you lots of unnecessary stress and anxiety.

 

 

 

Uhhhh... no.

 

It's good that she took the mature approach and called you again (despite the fact that you told her not to call you and expected her to text you). But you want her to cry? The only guys who want that are guys who are emotional abusers. I don't think that's how you want to be viewed.

 

I know you're hurting, but I hope you realize this is all about your insecurity and abandonment issues. If you want to get this back on track, you should set aside your pride and address your abandonment issues. Until you do, you're going to run into this same issue in every relationship you're in. It's your choice.

No abandonment issues at all, on the contrary I'm very close to family. You're right about the unnecessary stress and anxiety, though. But you know, for 5 full days not even an 'I love you' or an 'I miss you' - is that not a little strange for example?

[John Davis]

Why are you acting pissed off when she is trying to reach out to you? It's simple John, if your not happy then you need to get out of the relationship. If neither of you are willing to compromise then this relationship is a done deal. Stop expecting her to come crawling back crying to you that she misses you. Ive been there and done that. If you love her, then try to sit down with her and discuss what has been bothering you. Talk things out! Relationships need communication man. Your just driving the rift farther apart by trying to ignore her.

Dude of course she's going to reach out to me, she's my girlfriend for God sake. I expect her to reach out. Actually I wish I'd just left her alone during her holiday, but I'll tell her I can't just switch on and off and be fine with not getting attention when I need it.

[Fedor]

Dude of course she's going to reach out to me, she's my girlfriend for God sake. I expect her to reach out. Actually I wish I'd just left her alone during her holiday, but I'll tell her I can't just switch on and off and be fine with not getting attention when I need it.

 

I suggest you talk to her about this. If your not happy, your not happy.

[John Davis]

I suggest you talk to her about this. If your not happy, your not happy.

 

Thank you LS, I'll communicate with her and stand my ground to see what happens. I'll communicate what makes me happy and what doesn't. Thank you, you've all been supportive and writing on here has given me peace. I wish you all happiness:)

[vsmini]

We really do wish you luck with everything.

[John Davis]

We really do wish you luck with everything.

 

Just to finish this off - We met and she told me she cheated on me on holiday with her ex. Said she didn't feel anything. It was a vulnerable moment and that's all. Her ex knew about us, he told her she has to tell me about this.

 

She said she told me because she loves me, I said what I had to say and left her there, I couldn't stand it, I'm disgusted by her. She's since begged for forgiveness but I said I can't live with this. I need a lot of time to get myself back together, time heals all.

 

There you go guys, I wish happiness to you all.

[Fedor]

Just to finish this off - We met and she told me she cheated on me on holiday with her ex. Said she didn't feel anything. It was a vulnerable moment and that's all. Her ex knew about us, he told her she has to tell me about this.

 

She said she told me because she loves me, I said what I had to say and left her there, I couldn't stand it, I'm disgusted by her. She's since begged for forgiveness but I said I can't live with this. I need a lot of time to get myself back together, time heals all.

 

There you go guys, I wish happiness to you all.

Run and never look back my friend. I wish you the best of luck in your healing process. I'm sorry.

[John Davis]

Run and never look back my friend. I wish you the best of luck in your healing process. I'm sorry.

Thanks man, appreciate it. To all who are reading this, take this as a lesson and get something out of it, I've learned it the hard way. To those who haven't been cheated on, trust me, you don't want to know what this feeling is like.

 

Take care guys

John out

[WTRanger]

Sorry to hear that man. Just stay positive and deal with your healing process. Don't try to figure out why she cheated, just focus on you and getting yourself better.

 

Learn from this. Learn the red flags so next time you can make an easy exit before it goes to this level or avoid the future girl all together.

[00sports00]

I can't even imagine what that feeling is like .. I was almost in a close situation like that, and it didn't feel good at all ... I agree, just stay positive and time will heal all wounds

Edited June 6, 2011 by 00sports00

[geegirl]

I'm sorry John. Betrayal is devastating. You will heal from this, cliche as it sounds but I never thought I would. Don't try to figure out or beat yourself up trying to figure out the whys and whats. The problem lies with her. Stay focused on your school and healing.

 

We will learn from these experiences John. I know it hurts but these things will only make us stronger and wiser. We may not see it now but in time you will.

[vsmini]

Such terrible news. Well now it's time to move on and work with No Contact.

 

Seriously my friend - no contact, no contact, no contact.

[John Davis]

Sorry to hear that man. Just stay positive and deal with your healing process. Don't try to figure out why she cheated, just focus on you and getting yourself better.

 

Learn from this. Learn the red flags so next time you can make an easy exit before it goes to this level or avoid the future girl all together.

Yeah, I've combed through every possible detail, believe me. I am really at peace with it now... thank God I'm this strong, I had no idea I was:) Indeed, I'll be an expert in red flags from now on I guess. It's too bad this girl was messed up, but I've had lots of red flags before and I was blind to them. We're all good people, let's all learn from each other and prevent the bad.

[John Davis]

Such terrible news. Well now it's time to move on and work with No Contact.

 

Seriously my friend - no contact, no contact, no contact.

You know what I thought about calling her and saying it's ok I forgive you (to cause her less pain, because she said she won't be able to breathe without me) but... she doesn't deserve it, I'm too good of a person but I'm not stupid...not anymore:)

[John Davis]

I can't even imagine what that feeling is like .. I was almost in a close situation like that, and it didn't feel good at all ... I agree, just stay positive and time will heal all wounds

Never let anyone in your heart that you don't trust, or if you harbor the tiniest doubts. I once told my (now) ex-gf this: "You know that my heart is open to you, treat it with care because you have the power to either make me the happiest man alive, or destroy me"... and despite knowing that she did latter. Some people are just weak, and frankly never will know how to love.

 

Always trust your instincts. That's what I've learned. I didn't trust mine and look where it got me but I am all the wiser for it:) Good luck and thank you

[John Davis]

I'm sorry John. Betrayal is devastating. You will heal from this, cliche as it sounds but I never thought I would. Don't try to figure out or beat yourself up trying to figure out the whys and whats. The problem lies with her. Stay focused on your school and healing.

 

We will learn from these experiences John. I know it hurts but these things will only make us stronger and wiser. We may not see it now but in time you will.

Thanks geegirl... as you see both men and women can go through exactly the same pain and experience, like you & I for example. You've felt pain and I've felt pain. You've loved, I've loved. Love really is universal on both sides and I'm never trusting anyone again who claims it isn't (like she did).

 

My love for her was like the brightest flame, but bright flames go out fast. A steady burning candle is the best eh? Heh:) Thank God this ended now, because it would be a lot more painful later, I'm sure. But what can I say, immaturity on her part...foolishness on mine. Now I'll now how to spot someone who really loves me.

 

I'm already almost over it. The memory of her is like a fog, lifting slowly and disappearing. I wish her the best, I hope she won't live in pain, I hope she changes for the better and doesn't hurt anyone else...

 

I'm now very open to new opportunities with healthy, sane, normal people and I'm a changed man in that I'm not going to be a fool again.

 

We must not live in fear. There is a God guys, there is... He works in mysterious ways. That God is also in us as long as we help ourselves, he takes care of the rest:)

 

Sorry if this was too Zen:) I'm enlightened...

[00sports00]

Never let anyone in your heart that you don't trust, or if you harbor the tiniest doubts. I once told my (now) ex-gf this: "You know that my heart is open to you, treat it with care because you have the power to either make me the happiest man alive, or destroy me"... and despite knowing that she did latter. Some people are just weak, and frankly never will know how to love.

 

Always trust your instincts. That's what I've learned. I didn't trust mine and look where it got me but I am all the wiser for it:) Good luck and thank you

 

I'm with you 100% ... Love isn't having doubt, but having that "feeling" you don't normally ever get with somebody, which happens in the rare, but YOU will find somebody that loves you for who you are.