Guys what the hell is wrong with my GF?

[sinnister]

Sinnister you are so right in saying that her friends are taking over my role. It's like whoever entertains her has her attention. You've described things beautifully and it's quite possible she has BPD... something's not right with her that's for sure. She did say that she feels she's gotten away from the stresses of the city by going on holiday. She said "get used to it, this is how people are on holiday" and "please just let me have my holiday" and things like that... then she goes on apologizing and saying I'll make it up to you, please blah blah. Ok then have your time and your holiday but you won't have me. She needs to fix herself, that's how I see it. Nothing wrong with me. As you said, I'm not going to sit here and punish her, my life continues with or without her what can I do, sad maybe but I can't torture myself trying to force someone to understand me. How have you been doing?

 

Horribly, lol. She has some of her friends FB-stalking me "people you may know" gives them away, lol...so I get false hope. People will hate, but your r/s does sound like a toxic BPD one in the beginning stages. I say have patience here..and if she's revealed there's something wrong already..wait this vacation out...when she gets back...she will go back to smothering you once she finds you're not mad. Use that new recalibration to lead her into DBT therapy or therapy that leads to it once you two r feeling secure again. If it was perfect before the trip..it can be perfect after. Right now, you're having a echo resonance effect..the more it seems like you want her to do/be there for this...the more she's testing your boundaries, while wanting to do it (that's why she actually calls but to frustrate you). Take the lead again by getting out and changing the longing in the other direction. She'll be back stronger than ever...or just leave her. That's the only two things you can do right now...cause if pressured..she'll start crying then her friends/fam hate you, then she cheats cause they intro her to someone.

[sinnister]

Indeed, I'm doing that already. Since I started work she would be like, don't you go looking at the girls at work blah blah, you see? She's unstable. Of course I'm going to hang out with my friends, I made friends with one of her friends and she said "Why talk to my friends without me, I don't like that". I'm carrying on my life, she comes or not I can't torture myself any longer for love. It's not love if it's torture.

 

She's already starting to plant the seeds of cheating. The projection is actually her telling herself that she's being so frustrating that you can now cheat b/c ure mad. BPDers (if it is the case, not DXing) will destroy the r/s first to avoid being abandoned. Getting something fresh to talk about that isn't about frustration will ease her mind. If it was good b/f she left and no signs of coldness b/f she left (they will seem quite cold when insulated from you and feeling pressured into something--again they like to feel powerless but in control), they r impulsive but not rash..it will take her some time to really start fearing the r/s's future. So stop seeming like there is real pressure on it. Use this time to enjoy not being smothered, lol, cause when she's back...it will get more intense, esp if she really trusts you. Just read and research BDP...go out so you'd have something to talk about outside of the dynamics of the r/s to have her interested again and ride out this low. It will pass, believe me.

Edited June 3, 2011 by sinnister

[John Davis]

Horribly, lol. She has some of her friends FB-stalking me "people you may know" gives them away, lol...so I get false hope. People will hate, but your r/s does sound like a toxic BPD one in the beginning stages. I say have patience here..and if she's revealed there's something wrong already..wait this vacation out...when she gets back...she will go back to smothering you once she finds you're not mad. Use that new recalibration to lead her into DBT therapy or therapy that leads to it once you two r feeling secure again. If it was perfect before the trip..it can be perfect after. Right now, you're having a echo resonance effect..the more it seems like you want her to do/be there for this...the more she's testing your boundaries, while wanting to do it (that's why she actually calls but to frustrate you). Take the lead again by getting out and changing the longing in the other direction. She'll be back stronger than ever...or just leave her. That's the only two things you can do right now...cause if pressured..she'll start crying then her friends/fam hate you, then she cheats cause they intro her to someone.

Haha yes 'people you may know' lol:) Don't stress, are you thinking of having her back or leaving her? What is DBT therapy?

 

So my girl, she came back from holiday yesterday because she has class from today until Tuesday. She couldn't stay any longer. I wonder if she cheated during the holiday? Actually, I don't want to even think about that...

 

Anyway she's going to feel pretty lonely in those classes not having anyone to call. I know that. She called me when she arrived (I'm guessing) twice with half an hour intervals but that was it since yesterday.

 

I mean, is that it after all those times I called HER when SHE was pissed at ME for practically NOTHING? If that's it then she can **** off you know what I mean? All the things I've done, to some of them she was blind and telling me she'd done so much for me... I mean she really hasn't put in as much effort as I have, I know this for sure. I really owe it to you, the others and loveshack. Reflection is helping me a lot right now, actually.

 

Thing is, we tend to remember the good things, but once we remember the bad things everything is easier right? Why do we block out the bad things? See, with her, she always tends to use the bad things against me. I don't know, I don't think she even deserves this whole thread I made about her, doubt she would do it for me hah but that's love I guess.

[sinnister]

Haha yes 'people you may know' lol:) Don't stress, are you thinking of having her back or leaving her? What is DBT therapy?

 

So my girl, she came back from holiday yesterday because she has class from today until Tuesday. She couldn't stay any longer. I wonder if she cheated during the holiday? Actually, I don't want to even think about that...

 

Anyway she's going to feel pretty lonely in those classes not having anyone to call. I know that. She called me when she arrived (I'm guessing) twice with half an hour intervals but that was it since yesterday.

 

I mean, is that it after all those times I called HER when SHE was pissed at ME for practically NOTHING? If that's it then she can **** off you know what I mean? All the things I've done, to some of them she was blind and telling me she'd done so much for me... I mean she really hasn't put in as much effort as I have, I know this for sure. I really owe it to you, the others and loveshack. Reflection is helping me a lot right now, actually.

 

Thing is, we tend to remember the good things, but once we remember the bad things everything is easier right? Why do we block out the bad things? See, with her, she always tends to use the bad things against me. I don't know, I don't think she even deserves this whole thread I made about her, doubt she would do it for me hah but that's love I guess.

If she didn't cheat, she will bounce back to you after the anger passes lol. She's real disappointed in you right now. Mine swore on her life after the r/s that she didn't cheat b/f the time I caught her at the end. I want mines back..it was a pretty special one to me. DBT therapy http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dialectical_behavior_therapy the only real way it could be explained. I mean it pretty much tries to get the patient to counteract all of their "tendencies", "mental defenses from opening up to the therapist-they r great at deflection/false promises/stonewalling", "emotional tolerances".

 

 

Read over that list on what it's trying to cure/counteract and see if those symptoms don't apply to your gf. Most BPDers will know and tell you what's wrong, but we think it's depression, over anxiety, or just young woman regular image issues. By having some idea about what you're dealing with, you can "guide" her to this conclusion once you're back on great terms again. Give her time...but shoot an email to her with a completely different countenance than what you'd have...say something that'll make her laugh or smile to throw out the red carpet from her trip. Don't talk to her on the phone..but offer to give her space for her studies and u love her. Disappear till she contacts and take it from there. They usually don't take too long to bounce back if there isn't someone else (less than a week-mine 3 days).

[John Davis]

She's already starting to plant the seeds of cheating. The projection is actually her telling herself that she's being so frustrating that you can now cheat b/c ure mad. BPDers (if it is the case, not DXing) will destroy the r/s first to avoid being abandoned. Getting something fresh to talk about that isn't about frustration will ease her mind. If it was good b/f she left and no signs of coldness b/f she left (they will seem quite cold when insulated from you and feeling pressured into something--again they like to feel powerless but in control), they r impulsive but not rash..it will take her some time to really start fearing the r/s's future. So stop seeming like there is real pressure on it. Use this time to enjoy not being smothered, lol, cause when she's back...it will get more intense, esp if she really trusts you. Just read and research BDP...go out so you'd have something to talk about outside of the dynamics of the r/s to have her interested again and ride out this low. It will pass, believe me.

Usually, after most of our fights (with the exception of a few where she did not call and admitted she purposefully didn't want to give in but would have if I stayed quiet for longer) she calls me a million times, sends me texts and says please don't hate me goodbye my love then I call her and "I thought that was it, I thought we were over" crap. She'd never be the one to say "i don't want this to be over, i'll change please don't" - never. At the end of the day, I'm the one on loveshack for hours and she probably asleep right now not caring... i don't know. If I were weaker I'd find out or even call her and apologize but no ma'am not this time.

[John Davis]

If she didn't cheat, she will bounce back to you after the anger passes lol. She's real disappointed in you right now. Mine swore on her life after the r/s that she didn't cheat b/f the time I caught her at the end. I want mines back..it was a pretty special one to me. DBT therapy http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dialectical_behavior_therapy the only real way it could be explained. I mean it pretty much tries to get the patient to counteract all of their "tendencies", "mental defenses from opening up to the therapist-they r great at deflection/false promises/stonewalling", "emotional tolerances".

 

 

Read over that list on what it's trying to cure/counteract and see if those symptoms don't apply to your gf. Most BPDers will know and tell you what's wrong, but we think it's depression, over anxiety, or just young woman regular image issues. By having some idea about what you're dealing with, you can "guide" her to this conclusion once you're back on great terms again. Give her time...but shoot an email to her with a completely different countenance than what you'd have...say something that'll make her laugh or smile to throw out the red carpet from her trip. Don't talk to her on the phone..but offer to give her space for her studies and u love her. Disappear till she contacts and take it from there. They usually don't take too long to bounce back if there isn't someone else (less than a week-mine 3 days).

Well, she called twice yesterday. Nothing today... so we'll see, I'll keep you posted. Thanks for the DBT links;)

[sinnister]

Well, she called twice yesterday. Nothing today... so we'll see, I'll keep you posted. Thanks for the DBT links;)

 

No prob, just glad I could help from my exp, lol, cause I feel that one was like 10 r/s's in one. This period was only hard because it looks like she wasn't interested in you anymore...thinking about you. I don't know what's the case in these sits with the lack of ObjCons..but she was. Again, when pressured, they will test your tolerance/boundaries just to make sure you're not ion the verge of cheating. Once she's secure again, she'll make you so.

 

Good luck n sorry if I was overwrought.

[John Davis]

If she didn't cheat, she will bounce back to you after the anger passes lol. She's real disappointed in you right now. Mine swore on her life after the r/s that she didn't cheat b/f the time I caught her at the end. I want mines back..it was a pretty special one to me. DBT therapy http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dialectical_behavior_therapy the only real way it could be explained. I mean it pretty much tries to get the patient to counteract all of their "tendencies", "mental defenses from opening up to the therapist-they r great at deflection/false promises/stonewalling", "emotional tolerances".

 

 

Read over that list on what it's trying to cure/counteract and see if those symptoms don't apply to your gf. Most BPDers will know and tell you what's wrong, but we think it's depression, over anxiety, or just young woman regular image issues. By having some idea about what you're dealing with, you can "guide" her to this conclusion once you're back on great terms again. Give her time...but shoot an email to her with a completely different countenance than what you'd have...say something that'll make her laugh or smile to throw out the red carpet from her trip. Don't talk to her on the phone..but offer to give her space for her studies and u love her. Disappear till she contacts and take it from there. They usually don't take too long to bounce back if there isn't someone else (less than a week-mine 3 days).

Really don't want to e-mail her or contact her in any way until I get a text message asking for a second chance or something along those lines. I love her, but I'm doing this because I love her. I want all of her stubborn anger pride whatever fakeness it is to pass and for real love to surface. This is my hardcore therapy:) I hope this works.

[John Davis]

No prob, just glad I could help from my exp, lol, cause I feel that one was like 10 r/s's in one. This period was only hard because it looks like she wasn't interested in you anymore...thinking about you. I don't know what's the case in these sits with the lack of ObjCons..but she was. Again, when pressured, they will test your tolerance/boundaries just to make sure you're not ion the verge of cheating. Once she's secure again, she'll make you so.

 

Good luck n sorry if I was overwrought.

No need to apologize, your comments are elaborate and very helpful. Thank you for them. So when she realizes I'm not cheating, she'll make me secure you said? I don't understand. Do you think I should pursue other women I mean what should I do, wait?

[sinnister]

No need to apologize, your comments are elaborate and very helpful. Thank you for them. So when she realizes I'm not cheating, she'll make me secure you said? I don't understand. Do you think I should pursue other women I mean what should I do, wait?

 

You two actually broke up? I didn't read the entire thread because it got kind of negative by some posters (I usually read through anyway..but the same kind of thought process by the same posters just seemed to counterproductive to me right now) and I id'd with your situation..although in my situation I'd assumed we were over and started contacting other women..once I found it wasn't the case, I dropped contact with them. I don't know the scope of how bad it got during the trip, but if it is known that it was miscommunication, it's easily fixable. When she's secure, she'll go out of her way (in my exp) to make u happy. I mean, don't let her think u have any indication of cheating AT ALL..cause if she has BPD, she'll cheat first. Sometimes they pull it out of the air, but it's correlated to things said in a bad period.

 

They may be insecure, but they're not going anywhere w/o some of your help. Keep the arguments productive and if they sound stupid, know that they're coming from an illogical place and let that help lead her into therapy. I'm pretty sure she knows there's something wrong..cause she probably stiff armed u b/c you seemed to engulfing...too "there" when she was distracted with something else and didn't need you. It's a strange dynamic but you're with the emails and you're just on a little cool out but not a break or break up telling her that you're not mad, it was tense but not intense...n that when she calms down, you're waiting. I would not date ANYONE until you find out for sure cause she'll never forgive u. Or she will, but it'll really hurt for awhile.

 

The thing with the email b/f disappearing is this...that's what you'd do in a normal situation. In normal r/s's...a person can have two different emotional states at the same time. With the email, you're giving space but not allowing her to "cook". If she loves you, once she away from needing her friends...she will cook about the anger in the r/s n whether you're cheating or it's over. Since they feel pain FAR MORE acutely than we do, it's not a good idea to let them cook with bad feelings if you don't mean it...even if it is the tough love any man has to set his boundaries. If this is BPD..you have to alter your tactics a little.

Edited June 4, 2011 by sinnister

[John Davis]

You two actually broke up? I didn't read the entire thread because it got kind of negative by some posters (I usually read through anyway..but the same kind of thought process by the same posters just seemed to counterproductive to me right now) and I id'd with your situation..although in my situation I'd assumed we were over and started contacting other women..once I found it wasn't the case, I dropped contact with them. I don't know the scope of how bad it got during the trip, but if it is known that it was miscommunication, it's easily fixable. When she's secure, she'll go out of her way (in my exp) to make u happy. I mean, don't let her think u have any indication of cheating AT ALL..cause if she has BPD, she'll cheat first. Sometimes they pull it out of the air, but it's correlated to things said in a bad period.

 

They may be insecure, but they're not going anywhere w/o some of your help. Keep the arguments productive and if they sound stupid, know that they're coming from an illogical place and let that help lead her into therapy. I'm pretty sure she knows there's something wrong..cause she probably stiff armed u b/c you seemed to engulfing...too "there" when she was distracted with something else and didn't need you. It's a strange dynamic but you're with the emails and you're just on a little cool out but not a break or break up telling her that you're not mad, it was tense but not intense...n that when she calms down, you're waiting. I would not date ANYONE until you find out for sure cause she'll never forgive u. Or she will, but it'll really hurt for awhile.

 

The thing with the email b/f disappearing is this...that's what you'd do in a normal situation. In normal r/s's...a person can have two different emotional states at the same time. With the email, you're giving space but not allowing her to "cook". If she loves you, once she away from needing her friends...she will cook about the anger in the r/s n whether you're cheating or it's over. Since they feel pain FAR MORE acutely than we do, it's not a good idea to let them cook with bad feelings if you don't mean it...even if it is the tough love any man has to set his boundaries. If this is BPD..you have to alter your tactics a little.

We didn't officially break up, but I did say "Dont call me again" after her indifference, because I couldn't take it anymore. I don't know if she took that as a breakup... she has to go out of her way though if she wants me back. About the cheating, guess what? I once got pissed off at her mentioning her ex-boyfriend and said "stop comparing me, go to him if you want" and she said "you know what I will!" she didn't though but said she could have... this is BPD isn't it? oh my God I've just realized she's totally insane. Thank you sinnister.

[sinnister]

The thing with the email b/f disappearing is this...saying away---that's what you'd do in a normal situation. In normal r/s's...a person can have two different emotional states at the same time. With the email, you're giving space but not allowing her to "cook". If she loves you, once she away from needing her friends...she will cook about the anger in the r/s n whether you're cheating or it's over. Since they feel pain FAR MORE acutely than we do, it's not a good idea to let them cook with bad feelings if you don't mean it...even if it is the tough love any man has to set his boundaries. If this is BPD..you have to alter your tactics a little. Let her have her space with a more peaceful backdrop instead of shame/guilt/pressure is what I'm rambling..and it'll have a better effect.

[John Davis]

The thing with the email b/f disappearing is this...saying away---that's what you'd do in a normal situation. In normal r/s's...a person can have two different emotional states at the same time. With the email, you're giving space but not allowing her to "cook". If she loves you, once she away from needing her friends...she will cook about the anger in the r/s n whether you're cheating or it's over. Since they feel pain FAR MORE acutely than we do, it's not a good idea to let them cook with bad feelings if you don't mean it...even if it is the tough love any man has to set his boundaries. If this is BPD..you have to alter your tactics a little. Let her have her space with a more peaceful backdrop instead of shame/guilt/pressure is what I'm rambling..and it'll have a better effect.

Aha, I got it. Well, all I said was 'don't call me' I don't think that's too harsh. I don't want to give her comfort either I'm not her shrink:) Let her go crazy a little, why not;) Thank you very much sinnister and I'll keep you posted... great and enlightening discussion my friend. Thanks to all the other guys for your input!

 

John out.

[Fedor]

Bro, I think your acting a little immature here. You have problems you need to address yet your going to ignore her? Go see the girl since she's back in town and have a heart to heart. We get it, she's changing and your ego is a little bruised because she's not begging for your attention anymore. I'm going through that crap now. It hurts but you still have a chance here. Although its hard, try to be more understanding man. You should go out and a holiday of your own. And dont take my post as being mean as I just dont want people to make some of my past mistakes.

[sinnister]

N yeah, this is your therapy too if the situations r similar. It's rewarding but this r/s will test you in every way you thought possible. I just wish I knew the things I do now back then...I don't think we would've feel into the same demise cause I'm able to fight problems and analyze on the fly like I was fighting the Borg. BPD is that...it's managing insecurity that comes from a million directions..but still seeing that person that's trying to break through beneath. People say that you're trying to save just to save...but they miss, b/c it's over..that there are people in there and they let you see them..sometimes it's the most beautiful thing you've ever seen, and you'd hate to have a complicated problem/illness/whatever beat them/you or that love.

[sinnister]

Aha, I got it. Well, all I said was 'don't call me' I don't think that's too harsh. I don't want to give her comfort either I'm not her shrink:) Let her go crazy a little, why not;) Thank you very much sinnister and I'll keep you posted... great and enlightening discussion my friend. Thanks to all the other guys for your input!

 

John out.

 

No problem...don't be mad about it if it's not cheating. It wasn't that she didnt care about you out there "on holiday" (same exact thing she said to me at the time)...it IMO was that she really couldn't keep all that together inside her YET. She will. Like I said, the second trip was far more inclusive than this one...she just doesn't really trust u yet like that I guess. You're going to wish you had that space in a year, believe me lol. But do this same tactic everytime u have an argument...let her sit and think but not cook to get what you need in setting boundaries. Emotional pain literally hurts them. You r not her shrink, but if you're going to be there for the long haul, you have to be her friend. Sometimes we have to take ourselves out of it..even if it seems stupid on the surface (I only got 5 emails in 3 weeks, lol)...but it's usually not what we think. It'll get better, trust me, and rewarding as f--k.

[John Davis]

Bro, I think your acting a little immature here. You have problems you need to address yet your going to ignore her? Go see the girl since she's back in town and have a heart to heart. We get it, she's changing and your ego is a little bruised because she's not begging for your attention anymore. I'm going through that crap now. It hurts but you still have a chance here. Although its hard, try to be more understanding man. You should go out and a holiday of your own. And dont take my post as being mean as I just dont want people to make some of my past mistakes.

Hey Fedor, yeah a holiday would be good right about now after this cobweb of problems. I don't see why she would be changing suddenly, man. Why, because it's summer? As far as ignoring goes, she knows if she texts me that I'll read it but she deliberately isn't doing that. What's so hard about that? How about an 'are you ok why aren't you answering text?' She could ask for a second chance, you know? Be a girl for God sake, call me and cry you know? Every guy wants that. Bruised ego would be correct. Bruised heart too.

[sinnister]

Lastly, they seem at times cold and distant, but they're not. Sometimes the situation just overwhelms them and their instincts take over. The instincts say block out what is triggering them by any means necessary..especially if it seems like a bombardment. I think the distance is them suppressing their anger that you'd even question them in that way when they're trying or whatever and they can't articulate it or don't want to b/c they fear destroying the r/s. It's going to be a diff animal you're facing if it's BDP..a lot of patterns/cues you have to be watchful of..but they think about you EVERY SECOND...don't get it twisted.

[John Davis]

Lastly, they seem at times cold and distant, but they're not. Sometimes the situation just overwhelms them and their instincts take over. The instincts say block out what is triggering them by any means necessary..especially if it seems like a bombardment. I think the distance is them suppressing their anger that you'd even question them in that way when they're trying or whatever and they can't articulate it or don't want to b/c they fear destroying the r/s. It's going to be a diff animal you're facing if it's BDP..a lot of patterns/cues you have to be watchful of..but they think about you EVERY SECOND...don't get it twisted.

Yeah still nothing from her, I was expecting her to reply by now. Hopefully something tomorrow...

[John Davis]

Lastly, they seem at times cold and distant, but they're not. Sometimes the situation just overwhelms them and their instincts take over. The instincts say block out what is triggering them by any means necessary..especially if it seems like a bombardment. I think the distance is them suppressing their anger that you'd even question them in that way when they're trying or whatever and they can't articulate it or don't want to b/c they fear destroying the r/s. It's going to be a diff animal you're facing if it's BDP..a lot of patterns/cues you have to be watchful of..but they think about you EVERY SECOND...don't get it twisted.

One last question for now, is it normal for a girl to be jealous of me hanging out with my mom? She told me she was. And of my guy friends. Is this BPD or something else?

[sinnister]

One last question for now, is it normal for a girl to be jealous of me hanging out with my mom? She told me she was. And of my guy friends. Is this BPD or something else?

 

LOL...this DEF sounds like BPD...they want you ALL to themselves. Yeah, mine was jealous of everyone too..but she'll respect you more when/if you set boundaries and keep to them. There's no reason she has to split you away from fam..but if she does, that is a great motivation to get her checked up. Tell her how illogical/irrational it sounds...without being angry..and it will be a cold bucket of water in the face. They know..they just can't help but let their emotions/insecurity/attachment guide their tongue at times. You can do this w/out breaking up, thinking she's insane...prob everyone she's ever met has. If there's a pretty good person underneath all that insecurity..give it the real chance to come out..that's why they stay seeking/traumatized.

 

And it won't just be about you mom either. Soon, everything that takes you away from them (including work) will get some type of longing response or jealousy attached to it. Don't be angry but don't give it..cause it is that inch/mile thing...let them stew on the tame boundary stuff. If it's BPD, people will tell you that they'll find a way to read all your emails, bank accts, porn...they want to both comb ur mind and keep you to themselves.

[Fedor]

Hey Fedor, yeah a holiday would be good right about now after this cobweb of problems. I don't see why she would be changing suddenly, man. Why, because it's summer? As far as ignoring goes, she knows if she texts me that I'll read it but she deliberately isn't doing that. What's so hard about that? How about an 'are you ok why aren't you answering text?' She could ask for a second chance, you know? Be a girl for God sake, call me and cry you know? Every guy wants that. Bruised ego would be correct. Bruised heart too.

Pardon me if I'm incorrect but arent you the one who told her not to call you? She's respecting your boundries. Cmon man, you need to talk to her and tell her what the deal is. Compromise with her. How do you expect anything to be solved if your sitting on the sidelines? And dont get it twisted, people do change. They realize there is more out there than what they have. We to adapt in these relationships. Of course, its 100% on both ends and she has to play ball as well. But your not doing any good sitting around waiting for a text. Look man, while my ex didnt give her full 100% toward the end, I wasnt respectful of her boundries because my ego was bruised. I couldnt understand how this girl who needed me 24/7 could shut that off. I resented that. Now I'm going to miss on of the most important days of her life tomorrow. Adapt, compromise and change. 3 ingredients you need.

[sinnister]

Yeah still nothing from her, I was expecting her to reply by now. Hopefully something tomorrow...

 

It's gonna take a while to reconnect..but it will come..esp if she doesn't feel any pressure. It'll go to the second spectrum and she'll have to know what you're up to..if you're now fishing. She's just simply being a brat right now to get you to act like an asshat. Resist every urge to contact outside of that email that lightens the mood and u'll win. You have to know they have low emotional maturity. Things that would offend a normal r/s can't be looked at same way/motives. Until, of course, they cheat.

Edited June 4, 2011 by sinnister

[vsmini]

If I were weaker I'd find out or even call her and apologize but no ma'am not this time.

 

Yea - and if either one of you were mature you'd either talk this out or just break up. Now it's a power struggle? Please.

 

And stop throwing around BPD - you're only doing it so it makes you feel good so when you guys break up you can drop any responsibility on your part and just say "my ex was bipolar" I've seen guys do it a million times. You're the one that went on and on about the true love you have for one another and now you're diagnosing her with BPD AND talking about things like this:

 

I don't want to give her comfort either I'm not her shrink Let her go crazy a little, why not

Yea - that's total love.

 

 

Snap out of it. No way this is healthy - even if it is all her fault - which it's not. I'll just say it. YOU ARE IN A BAD RELATIONSHIP. So get out.

[sinnister]

Yea - and if either one of you were mature you'd either talk this out or just break up. Now it's a power struggle? Please.

 

And stop throwing around BPD - you're only doing it so it makes you feel good so when you guys break up you can drop any responsibility on your part and just say "my ex was bipolar" I've seen guys do it a million times. You're the one that went on and on about the true love you have for one another and now you're diagnosing her with BPD AND talking about things like this:

 

 

Yea - that's total love.

 

 

Snap out of it. No way this is healthy - even if it is all her fault - which it's not. I'll just say it. YOU ARE IN A BAD RELATIONSHIP. So get out.

 

 

Just b/c guys place the blame a little bit on either a woman or a disorder by a woman...it isn't a slap in the face or a devaluation of all women. Same with people with disorders. I see a pattern...I ask if this happens...they verify.. I don't need validation by jaded people or so-called "realists" every time someone sees the same pattern (this is what SCIENCE is after all). It is his choice whether to give up or not..I don't advocate emotional abuse of a partner..but the same people would act like NC isn't the same thing. It's his choice whether to take the info and fight with it or not..but I'd rather make choices informed...not jaded..not fearing someone's projecting their gender or weakness on a scenario.

 

Sorry, but I get this a lot on a bunch of subjects. People throw baseless charges like we're not taking responsibility, simply b/c knowing what we're dealing with speeds up our own recovery while they burn in the mystery. We're not just sitting burning..we're working/researching and trying to work things out. Just b/c you can't or worn't...doesn't delegitimize our efforts..even if you can use personal blanket statements to make our efforts appear trite and ulterior.

Edited June 4, 2011 by sinnister