Guys what the hell is wrong with my GF?

[John Davis]

She hasn't put effort? She tried to call you. She tried to talk. You ignore her and say she's not putting in the effort? What do you expect her? What's your definition of her putting in the required effort? Seriously, I don't get what this girl has to do to validate you. There's only distance because you are refusing to talk. And going on vacation is not being distant, it's going on vacation.

 

If you actually take her call, or call her and talk to her about the friend comment instead of drawing delusional conclusions, you may find out that it has the simplest and completely rational explanation.

 

This whole situation has gone from an ant hill to a mountain over nothing.

I've asked her before when she referred to me as 'friend' and she said she was sorry and 'you're right I shouldn't' but what does sorry do?? Nothing. She's just doing it because I told her to. How does this not come naturally? I don't know I'm done accusing myself I'm doing nothing wrong. I'm committed in this relationship and she doesn't seem to be. Basically, she didn't make time to talk even though all she had was time (vacation) and I'm not talking hours just call every few hours don't you want to? You know? This is what I expect from someone who claims to love me. That's what everyone should expect. So there, I've given her time to think and get back to me and try to make things up when she starts feeling the pain and the 'oh my God what did I do'.

[geegirl]

Fire burning or not, you should be able to give each other space. Space is going to make that fire burn a lot brighter! A relationship should be relaxed. Each should have their individual space, time, activities, friends and then there's the time you are together and share what a couple shares together. You get to develop yourself outside of the relationship and within. You find balance.

 

You place your expectations on her as to what the R should be like when you're together and when you're not. Maybe she liked HER time and space away from you and just wanted to enjoy herself and just focus on her friends and sister. She is allowed. But your R has rules that just because you're clinging on to each other for dear life everyday, she has to do the same on vacation. Yes, people miss each other when they're away but that doesn't mean you need to be in each other's face constantly.

 

The moment she's not in your face, you speculate, over analyze, draw conclusions. It's your insecurity.

 

Communicate with her.

[John Davis]

All I'm getting to is at this point you should be able to go at least 24 hours with zero contact from her and not think she's going distant or that she's banging an ex boyfriend.

Listen, I agree and thank you for your time. I'm really glad you guys are here to help out and voice your opinions.

 

So the 24 hour thing I've done that before but I need to be reassured sometimes that I'm with someone who values, misses and loves me. That's all, I had this when I dropped her off at the airport and I was super cool about everything then when she changed so suddenly, so did I. I'm not mean it's just emotional. Let's see how much she really feels, because in the past there've times when she would be wrong about something and be stubborn about, not call me and I'd call her. So let her call me this time I don't care:) Enough of putting her up on a pedestal.

[John Davis]

Fire burning or not, you should be able to give each other space. Space is going to make that fire burn a lot brighter! A relationship should be relaxed. Each should have their individual space, time, activities, friends and then there's the time you are together and share what a couple shares together. You get to develop yourself outside of the relationship and within. You find balance.

 

You place your expectations on her as to what the R should be like when you're together and when you're not. Maybe she liked HER time and space away from you and just wanted to enjoy herself and just focus on her friends and sister. She is allowed. But your R has rules that just because you're clinging on to each other for dear life everyday, she has to do the same on vacation. Yes, people miss each other when they're away but that doesn't mean you need to be in each other's face constantly.

 

The moment she's not in your face, you speculate, over analyze, draw conclusions. It's your insecurity.

 

Communicate with her.

Yes you've got some good points in that maybe she wants some time alone and such. We haven't given each other space and since she's the first to do it with this vacation thing it's me who feels down. Maybe there isn't any logical reason for me to feel down but a relationship doesn't run on logic, you know? What can I say... I wasn't too harsh all I said was 'don't call me' after her having repeatedly distracted on the phone when she called ME, which is when she should actually make time, why call me then? You know... I don't know this is just confusing me the more I think about it. You're right I'll communicate when the time is right, if she doesn't get back to me I guess.

 

Do you think her not getting back to me is a sign she doesn't care?

Thanks

[vsmini]

So the 24 hour thing I've done that before but I need to be reassured sometimes that I'm with someone who values, misses and loves me

 

This is insecurity. Everyone goes through it at one point - but don't put so much pressure on her and yourself about this...really. Love is not needing someone to tell you 24/7. Love is not dismissing her time with friends or vacation as "unimportant."

 

Love is not a constant game where you test each other and the goal is to get everything mirrored back to you in the exact same way you project your love to them

 

Ours is not as relaxed a relationship completely being able to set each other free simply because of the fact that we miss each other a lot.

This isn't a matter of missing each other. It's a matter of being insecure with yourselves and each other. and "missing" someone isn't really an indication of love. This all seems like a bit of void substitution.

 

How old are you if I may ask?

[vsmini]

Maybe there isn't any logical reason for me to feel down but a relationship doesn't run on logic, you know?

 

Yes - a true and healthy relationship most certainly does run on logic. It isn't all hugs and floating hearts. People can be madly in love with one another and should still be able to make healthy, rational decisions.

[geegirl]

Yes you've got some good points in that maybe she wants some time alone and such. We haven't given each other space and since she's the first to do it with this vacation thing it's me who feels down. Maybe there isn't any logical reason for me to feel down but a relationship doesn't run on logic, you know? What can I say... I wasn't too harsh all I said was 'don't call me' after her having repeatedly distracted on the phone when she called ME, which is when she should actually make time, why call me then? You know... I don't know this is just confusing me the more I think about it. You're right I'll communicate when the time is right, if she doesn't get back to me I guess.

 

Do you think her not getting back to me is a sign she doesn't care?

Thanks

 

You're afraid to release her because she is your security blanket. So the moment she leaves you, you're running around unsure of what to do with yourself. That's why you need to have a life outside of her and the R. You're crippled when your other half is gone.

 

A relationship must run on logic as well. You've been so emotionally caught up that you're not thinking straight. An R does not run on love alone.

 

But she called you back. You didn't want to talk to her. I believe you were trying to punish her or in a sense make her grovel enough and that would certainly validate her feelings for you. And after enough validation, then you would deem it worthy of communication.

 

You told her not to call. She called and now you're waiting for her to call you again. She's probably sitting there waiting for you to call since she called you twice and you're not calling her back. This is self inflicted drama. Oi!

[WTRanger]

Listen, I agree and thank you for your time. I'm really glad you guys are here to help out and voice your opinions.

 

So the 24 hour thing I've done that before but I need to be reassured sometimes that I'm with someone who values, misses and loves me. That's all, I had this when I dropped her off at the airport and I was super cool about everything then when she changed so suddenly, so did I. I'm not mean it's just emotional. Let's see how much she really feels, because in the past there've times when she would be wrong about something and be stubborn about, not call me and I'd call her. So let her call me this time I don't care:) Enough of putting her up on a pedestal.

 

This is a bad sign. If you need this much validation from a person in a span of one day, you really need to talk to someone better than myself. Like a professional. You should not need someone to tell you everyday that they love you or that they miss you. As others have said, this is all of your insecurities about relationships coming out. That, and you've got to be young and fairly new to relationships. This sounds a lot like the relationships I was in when I was in jr high and high school.

 

To your other response. She said she was sorry, but sorry doesn't cut it in your book? What more can she do? She apologized for Christ sake! For the 4th time, I'm going to ask you this question. WHAT DOES SHE NEED TO DO?? You keep saying that she's not cutting it, but then you never say what it is you want her to do. She's tried to call you, she has apologized to you in the past, yet somehow she doesn't care?

 

Her not getting back to you is a sign that she's tired of your impossible standards and expectations.

[John Davis]

This is a bad sign. If you need this much validation from a person in a span of one day, you really need to talk to someone better than myself. Like a professional. You should not need someone to tell you everyday that they love you or that they miss you. As others have said, this is all of your insecurities about relationships coming out. That, and you've got to be young and fairly new to relationships. This sounds a lot like the relationships I was in when I was in jr high and high school.

 

To your other response. She said she was sorry, but sorry doesn't cut it in your book? What more can she do? She apologized for Christ sake! For the 4th time, I'm going to ask you this question. WHAT DOES SHE NEED TO DO?? You keep saying that she's not cutting it, but then you never say what it is you want her to do. She's tried to call you, she has apologized to you in the past, yet somehow she doesn't care?

 

Her not getting back to you is a sign that she's tired of your impossible standards and expectations.

I'm 24 and am currently working on a PhD thesis and interning at the same time, but yes this is my first serious relationship and the most committed one yet (loads more to come I know, not thinking of marrying until I'm at least 30, stable income, house and all that).

 

The thing is she acts the same way if I'm with friends or with family (she's openly said she is jealous of my friends) and I wasn't like this before, so it must've gotten to me. This means I have to be the cool guy, the bigger person, not think about it so much make a big deal out if it, be the bigger person and call and say what? I'm sorry I was way too emotional about everything?

[John Davis]

This is insecurity. Everyone goes through it at one point - but don't put so much pressure on her and yourself about this...really. Love is not needing someone to tell you 24/7. Love is not dismissing her time with friends or vacation as "unimportant."

 

Love is not a constant game where you test each other and the goal is to get everything mirrored back to you in the exact same way you project your love to them

 

 

This isn't a matter of missing each other. It's a matter of being insecure with yourselves and each other. and "missing" someone isn't really an indication of love. This all seems like a bit of void substitution.

 

How old are you if I may ask?

Love is not a constant game where you test each other and the goal is to get everything mirrored back to you in the exact same way you project your love to them

 

I really like this. But is love not taking 5 minutes on the phone instead of 1 minute to talk when you're really not THAT busy? Make time for your boyfriend? Anyway... I'm dragging this out, I'll figure things out. I've posted too much anyway, hey thanks;)

[vsmini]

I honestly thought we were dealing with a high school relationship.

I'm not saying that to be nasty or a smartass. But that should be an indication that your relationship is not very healthy and really isn't where it should be.

 

I think you have a lot to learn from this relationship. She shouldn't be jealous of your friends so she has a lot to learn too. Someone who is 24 and in a PHD program (kudos, btw) should not be in something so unproductive and immature.

[John Davis]

I honestly thought we were dealing with a high school relationship.

I'm not saying that to be nasty or a smartass. But that should be an indication that your relationship is not very healthy and really isn't where it should be.

 

I think you have a lot to learn from this relationship. She shouldn't be jealous of your friends so she has a lot to learn too. Someone who is 24 and in a PHD program (kudos, btw) should not be in something so unproductive and immature.

No that's fine, I don't judge;) This relationship definitely needs a boost of maturity, maybe I'm the one that needs to do it (but I'd be awesome if she texted me haha). Call me crazy:)

[vsmini]

But is love not taking 5 minutes on the phone instead of 1 minute to talk when you're really not THAT busy? Make time for your boyfriend?

 

Love is not really determined by that. If that's the case then she could say "is love not picking up the phone when he told me to call?"

 

Love is shown through communication when things get tough. Communicate and reevaluate.

[John Davis]

Love is not really determined by that. If that's the case then she could say "is love not picking up the phone when he told me to call?"

 

Love is shown through communication when things get tough. Communicate and reevaluate.

O.k so where is the communication from her? She knows I'm not answering, but she knows I'll read her texts.

 

So that means we're stuck in this cycle where neither wants to call and both sides are being stubborn and pride and all that but the thing is I told her I'm upset and doesn't that warrant a text message of some sort... I mean I know her through and through, so this sudden distance is just weird. Gotta give it time, I guess. Can't give in.

[Dims85]

after reading this whole thread, Im still honestly confused as to why you are even playing the game you are playing or that there is even an issue to begin with other than your blowing things up. So what if she went on vacation and hung out with her friends, she TOLD you she was going to do that. Yea she referred to you as a friend so call her out on it. By sitting here thinking about what she should do and playing your little mind games with yourself is getting you no where. She can't read your mind man, she doesn't know what you are thinking or want from her. You told her not to call you, she didn't for a few days then tried to reach out and you ignored her. Then you turn around and say shes not trying, and your crying to all of us here.. Who is the man in the relationship by the way??? Come on buddy it all started over you blowing something way out of proportion to what actually happened. Call her up and let her know whats bothering you, and stop playing these "he said she said" games and trying to read eachothers minds. Being the mature adult you make yourself out to be you should be able to talk to her about the issues in your relationship. This is an easy fix if you both actually use good old fashioned face to face conversation

[vsmini]

This is an easy fix if you both actually use good old fashioned face to face conversation

 

THANK YOU. I don't even want to know what relationships are going to look like in 15-20 years when everyone is basing everything on TEXT MESSAGING.

[John Davis]

after reading this whole thread, Im still honestly confused as to why you are even playing the game you are playing or that there is even an issue to begin with other than your blowing things up. So what if she went on vacation and hung out with her friends, she TOLD you she was going to do that. Yea she referred to you as a friend so call her out on it. By sitting here thinking about what she should do and playing your little mind games with yourself is getting you no where. She can't read your mind man, she doesn't know what you are thinking or want from her. You told her not to call you, she didn't for a few days then tried to reach out and you ignored her. Then you turn around and say shes not trying, and your crying to all of us here.. Who is the man in the relationship by the way??? Come on buddy it all started over you blowing something way out of proportion to what actually happened. Call her up and let her know whats bothering you, and stop playing these "he said she said" games and trying to read eachothers minds. Being the mature adult you make yourself out to be you should be able to talk to her about the issues in your relationship. This is an easy fix if you both actually use good old fashioned face to face conversation

I told her I was upset that she couldn't even talk for a minute and she knows we aren't going to be able to talk much the next day because I have work, she said why are you so emotional about this? After that, she said well there's nothing I can do be upset then. Then it was like I really couldn't talk blah blah please don't do this I'm sorry I'll make it up to you when I get back. No attention while she's on holiday and what I'm supposed to pick her up from the airport. What kind of self-respect do I have if I do that? You don't just switch off like that to your boyfriend when you go away.

 

She tried to reach out the next day when she arrived at the airport and I wasn't there. She didn't reach out when she should have right after I got upset. That's what you normally do you don't want to other side upset, right?

 

If it were me, I would MAKE TIME, it's not like she's in meeting. This is the first time I see this behavior. How would you feel, have I explained it any better?

[vsmini]

I consider myself to be in a stable, mature, well-balanced relationship and this is my opinion -

 

I recently went on a two week vacation to visit a family member in another country. I love, truly love my boyfriend but I was on vacation and spending time with my friends/family - I never once "turned him off." My boyfriend (with out discussion) didn't call me - he waited for me to call him. He said he knew I was on vacation and I was visiting so he knew when I had the time I would call him...and that's exactly what happened. No pressure.

 

And I'm the same way with him. He'll be going away next month for 4 days and he'll be with friends and family - he can call me when he has the time. I'm not going to call him whenever I want (unless it's something very important or emergency) and arrogantly assume what he's doing "isn't that important" - it's not like when I call everything gets dropped.

 

We love and respect each other. We are both secure in the fact that we are a priority to each other. We respect each other's space and don't get upset or take it personally if someone can't be available to chat at the drop of a hat.

 

I think you called her when she couldn't talk - took it personally and assumed she just doesn't care about you. Now all of this trouble is starting.

 

Does this help at all?

[sinnister]

I told her I was upset that she couldn't even talk for a minute and she knows we aren't going to be able to talk much the next day because I have work, she said why are you so emotional about this? After that, she said well there's nothing I can do be upset then. Then it was like I really couldn't talk blah blah please don't do this I'm sorry I'll make it up to you when I get back. No attention while she's on holiday and what I'm supposed to pick her up from the airport. What kind of self-respect do I have if I do that? You don't just switch off like that to your boyfriend when you go away.

 

She tried to reach out the next day when she arrived at the airport and I wasn't there. She didn't reach out when she should have right after I got upset. That's what you normally do you don't want to other side upset, right?

 

If it were me, I would MAKE TIME, it's not like she's in meeting. This is the first time I see this behavior. How would you feel, have I explained it any better?

A similar situation happened in my last when she went to India. I found later that she seems to have strong signs of BPD, which would explain the lack of "object constancy" and the smothering behavior in your r/s up to now. When she went to Lebanon, it was entirely the opposite, but she went weeks in India with little contact b/c her friends took over the role I had. Take this time to do something else, she'll contact u r cheat..but all u can do right now is leave and trust. You'll lose her respect if you keep badgering her to talk to u when she doesn't want to...so as you said, be the mature one here. Since India, me n my LTR/LDR got engaged and was inseparable until we broke up...it could be she's distracted and taking a break from the intensity of the r/s..but in no way think it is a reflection on you. U will make it personal, however, if you keep bothering/worrying about her. Work out...be ready for if/when she comes back...the r/s is still kind of young, so ure not in her bloodstream yet. Seems like b/f this you've had a pretty decent r/s...trust that and be glad her friends r taking some of the responsibility. I know breaking an established pattern from them is difficult b/c as you said..they act so addicted...but give this break a chance to move ahead in things in your life, so she won't feel ure sitting there pining/punishing her.

Edited June 3, 2011 by sinnister

[John Davis]

I consider myself to be in a stable, mature, well-balanced relationship and this is my opinion -

 

I recently went on a two week vacation to visit a family member in another country. I love, truly love my boyfriend but I was on vacation and spending time with my friends/family - I never once "turned him off." My boyfriend (with out discussion) didn't call me - he waited for me to call him. He said he knew I was on vacation and I was visiting so he knew when I had the time I would call him...and that's exactly what happened. No pressure.

 

And I'm the same way with him. He'll be going away next month for 4 days and he'll be with friends and family - he can call me when he has the time. I'm not going to call him whenever I want (unless it's something very important or emergency) and arrogantly assume what he's doing "isn't that important" - it's not like when I call everything gets dropped.

 

We love and respect each other. We are both secure in the fact that we are a priority to each other. We respect each other's space and don't get upset or take it personally if someone can't be available to chat at the drop of a hat.

 

I think you called her when she couldn't talk - took it personally and assumed she just doesn't care about you. Now all of this trouble is starting.

 

Does this help at all?

Not the same thing. You went on holiday to see your friends and family while my GF went with one of her sisters and her friends there are her sister's friends. She basically just went with her sister and this all started like this: I didn't call the whole day, I called at night, said I was going to bed and she said: "I can't talk right now, we were just planning where to go, let's talk tomorrow", I said "But you know I'm working tomorrow we won't get a proper chance to talk", "No I really gotta go" she said and that was it. Then, she called me and I told her that upset me and she was like, "Oh hold on I've got a phone call. Can I call you later?". She called me later, and again "I'm not available right now, can I call you later" and I was like are you kidding? Don't call me again. I got really pissed off and annoyed and hurt and all that. She didn't call until the next day she arrived. What do you think?

[vsmini]

Not the same thing. You went on holiday to see your friends and family while my GF went with one of her sisters and her friends there are her sister's friends. She basically just went with her sister and this all started like this: I didn't call the whole day, I called at night, said I was going to bed and she said: "I can't talk right now, we were just planning where to go, let's talk tomorrow", I said "But you know I'm working tomorrow we won't get a proper chance to talk", "No I really gotta go" she said and that was it. Then, she called me and I told her that upset me and she was like, "Oh hold on I've got a phone call. Can I call you later?". She called me later, and again "I'm not available right now, can I call you later" and I was like are you kidding? Don't call me again. I got really pissed off and annoyed and hurt and all that. She didn't call until the next day she arrived. What do you think?

 

OK - So what if they were her sister's friends? what does that have to do with the price of milk?. In fact - my boyfriend is going off to visit his brother and it will be his brother's friends that they hang out with (not his) so actually that's pretty much what your GF did (just the genders are different) - and I'm not considering that an important factor on if I should call him more or not.... I don't get how it matters??

 

You called her to say Good night - she said she couldn't talk - she even said she would call you tomorrow. I'm sure it was irritating and made you feel upset. So she quite literally called you to say "I'll call you later"? are you sure you aren't leaving anything out - because why would anyone do that?

[John Davis]

OK - So what if they were her sister's friends? what does that have to do with the price of milk?. In fact - my boyfriend is going off to visit his brother and it will be his brother's friends that they hang out with (not his) so actually that's pretty much what your GF did (just the genders are different) - and I'm not considering that an important factor on if I should call him more or not.... I don't get how it matters??

 

You called her to say Good night - she said she couldn't talk - she even said she would call you tomorrow. I'm sure it was irritating and made you feel upset. So she quite literally called you to say "I'll call you later"? are you sure you aren't leaving anything out - because why would anyone do that?

She called me to talk to me but someone distracted her again for what seemed like the 10th time already, and I see that as disrespect and just plain not caring. This is what got to me and she doesn't deserve me or my attention anymore unless she REALLY makes up for things.

[sinnister]

She called me to talk to me but someone distracted her again for what seemed like the 10th time already, and I see that as disrespect and just plain not caring. This is what got to me and she doesn't deserve me or my attention anymore unless she REALLY makes up for things.

 

U keep playin her game like this n she will lose all respect for u. Stop waiting around for her. Go catch a movie with friends...hang out..go see a concert...do everything she was supposedly jealous of earlier if u have to...anything to make HER CALLS TO YOU have some distraction in the background or something for you to talk about that isn't about her and her time with you..this path will only lead to u appearing FAR more boring than her current environment which will have her seek out some real excitement in that environment.

Edited June 3, 2011 by sinnister

[John Davis]

A similar situation happened in my last when she went to India. I found later that she seems to have strong signs of BPD, which would explain the lack of "object constancy" and the smothering behavior in your r/s up to now. When she went to Lebanon, it was entirely the opposite, but she went weeks in India with little contact b/c her friends took over the role I had. Take this time to do something else, she'll contact u r cheat..but all u can do right now is leave and trust. You'll lose her respect if you keep badgering her to talk to u when she doesn't want to...so as you said, be the mature one here. Since India, me n my LTR/LDR got engaged and was inseparable until we broke up...it could be she's distracted and taking a break from the intensity of the r/s..but in no way think it is a reflection on you. U will make it personal, however, if you keep bothering/worrying about her. Work out...be ready for if/when she comes back...the r/s is still kind of young, so ure not in her bloodstream yet. Seems like b/f this you've had a pretty decent r/s...trust that and be glad her friends r taking some of the responsibility. I know breaking an established pattern from them is difficult b/c as you said..they act so addicted...but give this break a chance to move ahead in things in your life, so she won't feel ure sitting there pining/punishing her.

Sinnister you are so right in saying that her friends are taking over my role. It's like whoever entertains her has her attention. You've described things beautifully and it's quite possible she has BPD... something's not right with her that's for sure. She did say that she feels she's gotten away from the stresses of the city by going on holiday. She said "get used to it, this is how people are on holiday" and "please just let me have my holiday" and things like that... then she goes on apologizing and saying I'll make it up to you, please blah blah. Ok then have your time and your holiday but you won't have me. She needs to fix herself, that's how I see it. Nothing wrong with me. As you said, I'm not going to sit here and punish her, my life continues with or without her what can I do, sad maybe but I can't torture myself trying to force someone to understand me. How have you been doing?

[John Davis]

U keep playin her game like this n she will lose all respect for u. Stop waiting around for her. Go catch a movie with friends...hang out..go see a concert...do everything she was supposedly jealous of earlier if u have to...anything to make HER CALLS TO YOU have some distraction in the background or something for you to talk about that isn't about her and her time with you..this path will only lead to u appearing FAR more boring than her current environment which will have her seek out some real excitement in that environment.

Indeed, I'm doing that already. Since I started work she would be like, don't you go looking at the girls at work blah blah, you see? She's unstable. Of course I'm going to hang out with my friends, I made friends with one of her friends and she said "Why talk to my friends without me, I don't like that". I'm carrying on my life, she comes or not I can't torture myself any longer for love. It's not love if it's torture.