Was she playing mind games ?

[Fedor]

What do you want?

 

I want to be together. I know things can never go back to the way they used to be but I still want to be with her. But we both have to compromise and admit changes need to be made before getting back together. I always put her first in all my decisions and I would resent her not doing the same. I'm not going to make it so we have to see eachother every day or anything like that but compromise needs to be made. She claims she's in love with me but I want to feel it. I just want to simply feel what she says. And if she was with another guy as Sinnister has alluded to, then I'm not going to try to make it work.

[betterdeal]

It's interesting that you say you put her first in all your decisions. I do not mean to have a go at you when I say this, but maybe that made her feel like you do i.e. not sure about what you really felt, wanted, liked? If everything you say or do is for her sake, she won't know what's what you want and what you're doing against your own wishes. Do you see what I'm saying?

 

I think the compromise you need is to be able to respect each other's wishes, and to do that, you'll need to know what those wishes are.

 

What else, besides her, do you do for fun?

[Fedor]

It's interesting that you say you put her first in all your decisions. I do not mean to have a go at you when I say this, but maybe that made her feel like you do i.e. not sure about what you really felt, wanted, liked? If everything you say or do is for her sake, she won't know what's what you want and what you're doing against your own wishes. Do you see what I'm saying?

 

I think the compromise you need is to be able to respect each other's wishes, and to do that, you'll need to know what those wishes are.

 

What else, besides her, do you do for fun?

Well I put her first because I'm a busy person with school, work and family. So I would try to do my best to work my schedule and such around her. The thing is, she would get upset(or used to anyway) when she felt like I wasnt doing enough to see her. Seemed like a normal thing women would want. And when I dont want to do something, I try to compromise and sometimes she would have to do things she didnt want to do. But thenn like I said, it changed and seeing eachother 1 day a week was fine with her. What I do for fun? Go to the gym although I lost 10lbs because of all this but this was due to me not sticking on my supplements and diet I also like to hang out with my friends, watch MMA/football at the sports bar and just chill out. I'm pretty laid back dude that likes to have fun.

[betterdeal]

Then it sounds like you guys are on different pages, and maybe the whole thing has run its course. Of course, things might change in the future, and you both be at the same speed / place / wavelength, but until then, no need to sweat it.

 

These texts she sends you appear to have upset you. That's not a surprise - she called it off and then declares deep love. I suggest texts / email / facebook / all other indirect forms of communication are the problem. They allow us to say something to someone without being in the presence of that person. That often means we're talking to our internal representation of them (and ourselves) instead of the real thing. They are just brain farts, not actual contact. Trouble is, they stink.

 

You don't want texts / emails / facebook messages. Talk to her by phone immediately you get the next indirect message. She'll soon get used to the idea that every time she drops one on you, you're going to phone, and if she's not up for real life communication then she'll stop farting at you. And if she's not up for real life communication, there is no relationship, is there?

 

Also, switch your phone off at night. No need to be disturbed by her nocturnal flatulence, is there?

[sinnister]

Here are the facts:

 

Her journey is going to take her several years to complete... If in the end, your Grass was the Greenest... she will return.

And I messed up on her post r/s signals b/c, again, they were mixed but nearly everything b/f the fallout was outstanding and she's admitted it. I do want to marry this person if her morals/outlook is relatively the same as when she left but she has more experience (even if it isn't the kind I necessarily want). Will she still remember the good as she admitted b/f the pressure was on b/f the bad. Had she just had more class, let us meet, instead of trying so hard to win it all...beat me and me up to try to hate me, I've bowed out gracefully before. I was just led on then frozen. Long question but will my grass still be in the perspective it needed to be, lol...our apex..or will it all be forgotten?

[Fedor]

Then it sounds like you guys are on different pages, and maybe the whole thing has run its course. Of course, things might change in the future, and you both be at the same speed / place / wavelength, but until then, no need to sweat it.

 

These texts she sends you appear to have upset you. That's not a surprise - she called it off and then declares deep love. I suggest texts / email / facebook / all other indirect forms of communication are the problem. They allow us to say something to someone without being in the presence of that person. That often means we're talking to our internal representation of them (and ourselves) instead of the real thing. They are just brain farts, not actual contact. Trouble is, they stink.

 

You don't want texts / emails / facebook messages. Talk to her by phone immediately you get the next indirect message. She'll soon get used to the idea that every time she drops one on you, you're going to phone, and if she's not up for real life communication then she'll stop farting at you. And if she's not up for real life communication, there is no relationship, is there?

 

Also, switch your phone off at night. No need to be disturbed by her nocturnal flatulence, is there?

On the day of the break up, I told her I'm not doing this break crap anymore. I said are you in love with me or not! She saids shes not. I immediately allowed myself to get out of her life with peace inside that she doesnt love me because thats an unfixable situation. But then she turns a 180 and claims she is in love with me and that she wants to work things out! I wait a few days to respond and then now she needs some time to this thing "out of her system".(what it is, idk?) I feel like a yoyo being played which is what upset me. You shouldnt be able to tell me your not in love with me and then take it back! That's not fair to my healing or feelings.

[sinnister]

Well I put her first because I'm a busy person with school, work and family. So I would try to do my best to work my schedule and such around her. The thing is, she would get upset(or used to anyway) when she felt like I wasnt doing enough to see her. Seemed like a normal thing women would want. And when I dont want to do something, I try to compromise and sometimes she would have to do things she didnt want to do. But thenn like I said, it changed and seeing eachother 1 day a week was fine with her. What I do for fun? Go to the gym although I lost 10lbs because of all this but this was due to me not sticking on my supplements and diet I also like to hang out with my friends, watch MMA/football at the sports bar and just chill out. I'm pretty laid back dude that likes to have fun.

 

Unless she was a consummate professional, NO WOMAN wants to only see her SO 1 day a week. Yeah, I'm almost sure there was someone else. Only other explanation is that she was going out of her way not to give you what you want, which was more of her. Damn..I stick to the former.

[sinnister]

On the day of the break up, I told her I'm not doing this break crap anymore. I said are you in love with me or not! She saids shes not. I immediately allowed myself to get out of her life with peace inside that she doesnt love me because thats an unfixable situation. But then she turns a 180 and claims she is in love with me and that she wants to work things out! I wait a few days to respond and then now she needs some time to this thing "out of her system".(what it is, idk?) I feel like a yoyo being played which is what upset me. You shouldnt be able to tell me your not in love with me and then take it back! That's not fair to my healing or feelings.

 

You did right...then she got scared and came back..but then when you froze her for those few days after she loved you again, she went back to her back-up. She's been switching passengers in her car...you r the one she really needs/wants...but to really get her needs met...she is using some other dude. I can almost promise.

[Fedor]

@homebrew

My above post to betterdeal is indicative as to why I think she was playing with my heart. She played me like a yoyo telling me all these different things. I love you, I dont, I want to be with you forever, I need to get this out of my system, I made a huge mistake doing this. Which one already? I did appreciate your response though! It does shed some light on the situation.

Edited May 30, 2011 by Fedor

[sinnister]

You have to know that in frantic breakup crying time....hours r like days. People here don't see it cause they go NC immediately...sometimes that window still is open but our pride is too hurt. Be careful with NC...if a person loves you again..don't go give them a facial..but don't freeze them out either...unless you're willing to see it end. She cried n burned..leaned on some people and on him and one of them made her feel less about your situation. She's very vulnerable right now..which is why I'm kinda worried about missing these events with her in her life....she will have a dude there. Homebrew is could be right that she needs something less serious, as she's shown you..but..forget it...no easy answers to this. Not even close. What I'm saying is try to stick through these events with her, then vanish...try to leave on a high, unless there's another dude..then just vanish with this one, as it's been on life support for a minute.

[betterdeal]

Homebrew is right. It's a scary time for both of you, but you both have to let go. No more texts, emails, facebook, any other form of indirect communication. This is how I see life after going NC.

 

Whatever hard feelings you have, you will be able to accept, acknowledge and let go of them once you are not in contact with each other.

 

Let go.

[Fedor]

Its just hard because she's the one who had all this stuff planned out. I'm probably the guy I am not because of her. Never thought in a million years a women would have such an impact on my life as she has had. She convinced me that she would never leave me and that we would be together to the very end. Hinddsight but still. It just hurts but I'm going to live and learn. I hope it doesnt take years homebrew, I really hope it doesnt. I feel like our relationship was a lie but I know it isnt her fault but I still cant help getting angry. She wanted me attached to her and when I finally get that way, she wants to leave me. Its just not a good feeling. I hope I find peace in this process.

[plasma]

Here is my original thread

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t278922/

 

Backstory is that we broke up because she said she "wasnt in love with me right now". This all happend last week. I started to see a change in attitude over the past couple months and could tell she wasnt the same person.

 

My problem:

A few days after she broke it up, she blew up my phone with text messages saying she's in love with me and that she made a big mistake. I didnt respond because I was in NC mode. Anyway, I decided on Friday to contact her and ask if she meant those things and got no reply. I sent her 1 in the morning and 1 at night. I then texted and called her Saturday and they went unanswered. I basically told her that I'm taking it as if she lied about those things because she hasnt responded back. Do you think she was playing games with my heart?

 

thats all i needed to read, either your a man or or play toy, pick one

[Fedor]

Be thankful for all the wonderful memories that you shared and experienced together.

 

The fact that you are both leaving better people... says a lot about you, your ex and the relationship.

 

Don't get Bitter... Get Better!

 

And for the bad news...

 

It's all over... but the crying!

 

She is going off to college to have the "college experience" which is why you were dumped. She is not going to want to settle down, FOR YEARS!

 

Most of us here have loved and lost our first love and High School Sweet Heart... So focus on that aspect of it, you will get a lot of help and advice.

I'm going to try to learn from this experience. I just resent that I missed out already on some of my college experiences because of her. I still have plenty left though but I thank you for your kind advice. I'm the type of person that takes things a little to personal so the bitterness will carry on for a while most definetly but I will come around. I hope she knows she lost a great guy that would have given it his all for her.

[Fedor]

Feeling like another man sunk his teeth into her as the days past. I dont know, but I'm getting this wierd feeling. It could be that I'm creating excuses in my head to get over her because I just want to get over this already! I'm not a yoyo.

[sinnister]

Feeling like another man sunk his teeth into her as the days past. I dont know, but I'm getting this wierd feeling. It could be that I'm creating excuses in my head to get over her because I just want to get over this already! I'm not a yoyo.

 

I say trust your gut here...not to seem bitter..as you see I don't carry (much) of my weight on other's problems and can be objective...but I see three options here as we know from Homebrew the real impetus bhind her change:

 

1. Keep NC prepare to leave until she finally gets back with you..but don't see other women, cause if she finds out..even if she's with someone else, she will use it against you as not really breaking up yet (we were on a break..weak women use that no matter how funny the cliche, trust me).

 

2. Go ahead and give her her space verbally, but verify this isn't about a man. Even if you're going to leave anyway cause the trust/respect is leaving, in case she does come back later, you know REALLY what she's capable of, and can make sure this is worked on b/f getting into it again (this could be years in the future..but I would want to know if I was tortured and she didn't feel the effects cause she was offloading it onto another dude for attention/buffer).

 

3. If you feel it's not going to work anyway, and you feel like this is really the end. No ultimatums, just break up and enjoy your life. Both of you would respect one not dragging it out. You still should try to find out if it was about another man (I would)..but at that point it's pretty moot. Realize you can't walk this option back..even if some cases it shifts the power back to the dumper. She'll go out of her way to get control again...but if you are begged back in...GIVE YOURSELF the space to clear your mind. Date a little..go NC if necessary.

 

I feel for you man..I know you put your heart into it.

Edited June 1, 2011 by sinnister

[Fedor]

Fair or foul?

Sunday:

I love you too, I really do. I really appreciate tht message. I wish I could tell you this in person but I know if I did I would want to be back with you because I do love you but I need to get this out of my system before I can be 100% with you. Im so sorry that I hurt you. But please just give me time so that if we can get back together it can be forever!

 

Thoughts?

[sinnister]

Fair or foul?

Sunday:

I love you too, I really do. I really appreciate tht message. I wish I could tell you this in person but I know if I did I would want to be back with you because I do love you but I need to get this out of my system before I can be 100% with you. Im so sorry that I hurt you. But please just give me time so that if we can get back together it can be forever!

 

Thoughts?

 

First obvious question: GET WHAT?????

 

Once that's answered, I would have no problems giving her what she needed. She's obviously in love with you...but something is wrong here. She doesn't want you to know it's another man cause IF you end up getting her back..she wants 100 percent of the loyalty/trust she had when she left. She knows that her flakiness has knocked that down to maybe 75 percent..but she knows she can raise that again...she doesn't trust what you finding out what another man would do to it, thus, the mystery. IMHO again.

[sinnister]

She can be going through this crisis b/c of GIGS..but the typical GIGS solution can't work for every GIGS-related crisis. He has NOT been bothering her...just trying to get advice b/f he thinks to do anything. I think his patience is paying off...still, IF she comes back..he should know what the hell the IT was in her system. You say people should be honest in r/s...so when you're scared of the answer now..you should just run? They ARE NOT broken up...

 

The rest of the message was FAIR Fedor..the FOUL that's going to linger is the IT. I'm telling you, if you ask and it's easy..she will TELL YOU...don't be afraid of the answer..THEN you decide whether to wait or not...look at all the speculation it has caused from everywhere anyway. IT could simply be the stress of her semester...stress from anything. Yes, she's in a GIGS age..but not every girl breaks up b/c of it.

 

Just break NC this once, find out what the IT is..then make up your own mind as to whether to wait or not. Make sure she's truthful but don't be jealous...you can't even use your patience so far in getting that answer. You can't make decisions w/out at least some of the facts..the Bush admin is over. You can ruin a good thing, thinking she's yo-yoing when she could be really depressed. I still think it's another dude..but be sure..

Edited June 2, 2011 by sinnister

[Fedor]

I havent communicated her since Sunday and dont plan on it until she initiates. I just feel mind****ed by her because last week, she had this to say.. I have accepted my fate but I just dont get the flipflop.

 

If I could tell you how much ive messed up I would. I know you need your space right now bc I know I broke your heart but im sorry and it was a huge mistake. I love you so much and I really am in love with you.

[sinnister]

I havent communicated her since Sunday and dont plan on it until she initiates. I just feel mind****ed by her because last week, she had this to say.. I have accepted my fate but I just dont get the flipflop.

 

If I could tell you how much ive messed up I would. I know you need your space right now bc I know I broke your heart but im sorry and it was a huge mistake. I love you so much and I really am in love with you.

 

If this is what she's saying..you need to stop the NC and get it out of her..why wait for the inevitable or NEVER KNOW...that's insane. NC is used as either a game to provoke a response or detachment and moving on...not to let facts be omitted while giving space. Ignorance WILL NOT be bliss if you let her come back w/out finding out. What if she claims whatever the IT is is gone..and it comes back and you don't even know the signs cause u never checked it out? Nah, it's my boss calling..my friend...plus not knowing what all of it was about, when it sounds bad will ruin the reconciliation anyway after a while. Find out most of the info so your intel will be right to know whether to wait or not. Still, it can all be innocent...why not know..**** NC.

[Fedor]

Do you plan on waiting around for the next couple of years?

 

That is a negative lol

[Fedor]

If this is what she's saying..you need to stop the NC and get it out of her..why wait for the inevitable or NEVER KNOW...that's insane. NC is used as either a game to provoke a response or detachment and moving on...not to let facts be omitted while giving space. Ignorance WILL NOT be bliss if you let her come back w/out finding out. What if she claims whatever the IT is is gone..and it comes back and you don't even know the signs cause u never checked it out? Nah, it's my boss calling..my friend...plus not knowing what all of it was about, when it sounds bad will ruin the reconciliation anyway after a while. Find out most of the info so your intel will be right to know whether to wait or not. Still, it can all be innocent...why not know..**** NC.

I think the best thing to do is to wait for her to come to me at this point. Then we can talk about what exactly was in her system. I dont want to drive her away at this point. To see that I have started to move on will not only make her more attracted to me but it will make her miss me. It hurts but things cant be on my terms right now. If it's another guy, I'm just gonna tell her were not meant to be.

[sinnister]

Clearly you don't have an actual r/s if you're that scared of this. I did think you were an alpha, and no offense with this..but you're listening to a quitter. Yeah, GIGS is bad..and it will take a while to get out of whatever..but r/s's are about openness, and you're not even broken up yet...not from her words. This is hellish limbo and you have to see if it's worth it. Now, if you're a man and don't want to know if another man is banging your girl...you're a coward. Not you..I would say this about any man. If you don't want to know..stop pining about it and break up with her and leave that door open after the sloppies. My b/u was embarrassing and messy and destroyed a lot...but I was at least a man about it. I know what I faced, and I've chose to still want her. I was brave enough to accept all the info..even if it diminishes me in other's eyes and gives them easy routes to attack me. I didn't just run and hide..or pine w/out knowing what the hell I was suffering for.

 

S--t or get off the pot is all you can do here. NC is a sucker's bet...ostrich's head in the hole move here. And the coward's way back in/out.

 

N try to call it overreaction to simply ask..but it looks bad..it reads bad. I don't know anyone else in your situation that wouldn't want to know. She has not timetable on the wait..you don't know what she's battling or u waiting for...and will simply wait...b/c people told you that breaking NC makes you a loser. Damn.

 

Plus..she is ACTING LIKE SHE IS WAITING FOR YOUR RESPONSE...SHE IS WORRIED ABOUT "YOU NEEDING YOUR SPACE"....she will simply move on if you wait. Make a informed move...find out then make a decision..you can do NC while being informed. This is so obvious..although the IT isn't. See what it is...be informed first..don't wait for life.

Edited June 2, 2011 by sinnister

[Fedor]

Clearly you don't have an actual r/s if you're that scared of this. I did think you were an alpha, and no offense with this..but you're listening to a quitter. Yeah, GIGS is bad..and it will take a while to get out of whatever..but r/s's are about openness, and you're not even broken up yet...not from her words. This is hellish limbo and you have to see if it's worth it. Now, if you're a man and don't want to know if another man is banging your girl...you're a coward. Not you..I would say this about any man. If you don't want to know..stop pining about it and break up with her and leave that door open after the sloppies. My b/u was embarrassing and messy and destroyed a lot...but I was at least a man about it. I know what I faced, and I've chose to still want her. I was brave enough to accept all the info..even if it diminishes me in other's eyes and gives them easy routes to attack me. I didn't just run and hide..or pine w/out knowing what the hell I was suffering for.

 

S--t or get off the pot is all you can do here. NC is a sucker's bet...ostrich's head in the hole move here. And the coward's way back in/out.

 

N try to call it overreaction to simply ask..but it looks bad..it reads bad. I don't know anyone else in your situation that wouldn't want to know. She has not timetable on the wait..you don't know what she's battling or u waiting for...and will simply wait...b/c people told you that breaking NC makes you a loser. Damn.

 

Plus..she is ACTING LIKE SHE IS WAITING FOR YOUR RESPONSE...SHE IS WORRIED ABOUT "YOU NEEDING YOUR SPACE"....she will simply move on if you wait. Make a informed move...find out then make a decision..you can do NC while being informed. This is so obvious..although the IT isn't. See what it is...be informed first..don't wait for life.

We are still broken up. She broke it off, then tried to get back and I went no contact because she told me she didnt love me anymore. I then messaged her a few days later. Thursday for that matter. No response. Didint answer my calls either. So I dont think I'm the one that needs space now. I asked her if she meant that she wanted to work stuff out and got the whole in my system bull crap. I tried lol She needs to take the initiative now because I swallowed my pride when I shouldnt of. If its another dude, she needs to tell me on her own. I shouldnt have to be a PI and investigate.