Is it over?

[jaymz]

Jaymz

 

You're being way too much of a nice guy....

 

In what way? I didn't really want to start a scene in front of the kids...

I didn't want to give her an excuse for me not to have them. How could I have handled it better?

 

 

I have the first mediation session today... Not looking forward to it

[robf1971]

"not going to have her or any of them treated like this anymore".

 

Honestly I'd call the new non emergency police number and file a harrasment complaint with the police. People like your wife only stop when you stand up to them!!

[robf1971]

In what way? I didn't really want to start a scene in front of the kids...

I didn't want to give her an excuse for me not to have them. How could I have handled it better?

 

 

I have the first mediation session today... Not looking forward to it

 

I reckon conflict avoidance got you into trouble in the first place. Scared of her not to let you have them? You have every right to see your kids if they want to see you.

 

She reckons she can say and do anything to you, she reckons that she's got you right over a barrell because she thinks that she can use the kids as a bargaining chip and that your terrified of losing them. She can feel that fear coming off you.

 

What would I do, lets put it this way, she would have a MASSIVE custody battle on her hands and be dragged through the courts.

[jaymz]

I reckon conflict avoidance got you into trouble in the first place. Scared of her not to let you have them? You have every right to see your kids if they want to see you.

 

She reckons she can say and do anything to you, she reckons that she's got you right over a barrell because she thinks that she can use the kids as a bargaining chip and that your terrified of losing them. She can feel that fear coming off you.

 

What would I do, lets put it this way, she would have a MASSIVE custody battle on her hands and be dragged through the courts.

 

 

Conflict avoidance is a problem of mine, I own it and am trying to change it.....

 

THe other points, reality says otherwise. The UK is too dependent on "mother knows best" so I am f*cked in any battler like that, unfortunately

 

But when the kids are 12, they have a say and that is an important factor. It gives me 3 years to get into a position where I can 100% accomodate the kids choice to be with me.

[jaymz]

I am drunk and its 3am in the uk.

 

THe mediation session went brilliantly.

 

The STBXW was burned so many times by the mediator that it was embarrassing to watch. will post more details later, but am over the mooon.

[2sure]

I'm so glad for you, I've read your thread, you're doing it.

[robf1971]

Conflict avoidance is a problem of mine, I own it and am trying to change it.....

 

THe other points, reality says otherwise. The UK is too dependent on "mother knows best" so I am f*cked in any battler like that, unfortunately

 

But when the kids are 12, they have a say and that is an important factor. It gives me 3 years to get into a position where I can 100% accomodate the kids choice to be with me.

 

Actually Mother knows best is not the case, I'm in the UK. Most judges do what is right for the kids. Most separated/divorced couples I know (sadly a lot) are doing 50/50 childcare and it seems to work really well. Mind you they are being a heck of a lot more reasonable than your wife.

 

I am in a situation where if I split up (looks very likely) if it went to court I'd probably get full or 50/50 custody awarded to me. Not to say my wife isn't an excellent mother but circumstances would very likely rule in my favour. She knows this also, so I don't think it would even get to court.

 

That is why I think you should be re examining every angle legally on this. Anyway congrats on the mediation session going great!!

[jaymz]

Cant believe its been a week!

 

I turned up at the mediation as prepared as I could be. Had to sit in a waiting room for 2 minutes with the STBXW. She made a comment that she got to the bottom of why my eldest wanted to stay longer the other week, it was because I went out the Saturday evening for a few hours to celebrate my Dad's birthday with family and friends... what about the other occasions STBXW? Just ignored her. Was pleased with his excuse though, clever boy.

 

The mediator was great. She briefly explained how everything worked, and that there were two areas which needed to be resolved before we could get divorced: namely finances and child care.

 

Started with finances. Listed assets, not much: the proceeds from the house sale, an old savings account with not much in it, the car and her jewelry. Thins started to go down hill from there... firstly didn't want the jewelry listed, then accused me of faking the burglary last year (where my meager jewelry collection was stolen). The mediator said that it didn't matter and to move on.

 

Next was the liabilities. I listed the joint loans and the credit cards, I did the values from last month rather than April 2011 when we official split up. STBXW made the same mistake but the mediator said it was fine as we could go through it anyway to get an idea of what proposals we could out together and what the judge would rule etc.

 

STBXW argued that one of the joint loans as its in my name only so its my debt, I produced a solicitor letter which she agrees its joint debt. She then tells the mediator that the loan wasn't for a car but for her boob job in 2009... The debt totals around £20k

 

So we then move onto her debt. She has a HMRC loan, the mediator asks why does she have a loan from them? Somebody got caught for benefit fraud, £14k!!! She then lists the other debt she has on her credit and store cards, another £20k! In the 18 months since we split, she has £34k of debt!

 

STBXW starts going on about how the kids are expensive and I don't pay anything towards them. The mediator cuts her off and asks if the the CSA are involved? She says yes and has been receiving regular payments. So the mediator tells her to move on.

 

STBXW goes on about if I am going to pay her £3k owed in back CSA payments. Again the mediator asks if this is being dealt with by CSA? and to move on.

 

The mediator was brilliant. Kept the talks on track and shut my STBXW up every time she started to go on about old family loans, me not giving her as much money as she needs etc. The mediator asked if she had proof of family loans, she said no but I should pay them back. The mediator explained that the law is not interested in morals. The loans were gifts, she knows this.

 

The mediator then explains that the judge will rule on the proceeds and debt from April 2011 and allocated it proportionately. From the example the mediator had put on the board, I would get 56% of the money and STBXW 44%, then the personal debt is our own and we are free to pay them or not.

 

The mediator then said the car value would be split and as the STBXW wants the car, she has to pay me. STBXW then starts about how the car is valueless as it doesn't work etc, I haven't maintained it, I have my own car etc. Mediator cuts her off and says this is what the judge will rule. I confirmed that the car would be worth £2k in April 2011 and was in full working order.

 

We move on to the jewelry. STBXW says I only every bought her a necklace, ring and ear rings. The mediator confirmed it would be all the jewelry, including joint purchases and I said the value of that would be closer to £15k in total. The mediator explained that the judge would normally ask the jewelry to be sold and the proceeds used for legal fees if we couldn't agree. At that point the STBXW broke down and cried.

 

The mediator printed off the list of assets, debt and points agreed so far. The STBXW started to state that she wants an agreement now, she wants the car, the jewelry and 50% of the cash or she is going to court. She also went on about giving it all to charity etc. I said I would not agree to that, and would take further advise before I put forward any other proposals. STBXW blew up more! she doesn't want to come back!

 

The mediator explained that at this point its usual not to agree anything, take further advise and come back, we would have had to come back for another meeting anyway to finalize an agreement or confirm that mediation had broken down. STBXW was not happy.

 

We left all together. I called a friend who I was meeting down the pub after, said "Hello gorgeous!" loudly. Went and got very drunk, ended up having a great night and finished it off in a casino.

[jaymz]

Called the kids last night. The middle one had stolen £20 from STBXW mother purse! He has been punished but will talk to him about it tomorrow when he comes over.

 

The eldest gave me the heads up as I was speaking to him first, he said something strange "XXX has done something bad which I cant tell you but its not mummys fault".

[aMguilts]

Called the kids last night. The middle one had stolen £20 from STBXW mother purse! He has been punished but will talk to him about it tomorrow when he comes over.

 

The eldest gave me the heads up as I was speaking to him first, he said something strange "XXX has done something bad which I cant tell you but its not mummys fault".

 

hey jaymz

 

What do you expect anyone on here to say to you that they haven`t already?

 

i started reading this thread from the start the other day and i gave up.

aM

[jaymz]

hey jaymz

 

What do you expect anyone on here to say to you that they haven`t already?

 

i started reading this thread from the start the other day and i gave up.

aM

 

I post my story as it happens , I treat this like a journal.

 

You are free to read, comment, advise or ignore it.

[jaymz]

STBXW just texted "the kids what u get them something to eat after you pick them up"

 

So I replied "no, feed them like normal, I have other plans for them"

 

She replied "you'll have to feed them as I have plans too"

 

Wow!

[trippi1432]

Ugh Jaymz - I wish I could give you advice on how to make her realize the verbal sparring is BS and non-productive for everyone involved. My exH did this verbal sparring for years after the divorce and he finally stopped when his controlling ways and trying to punish everyone around him for his own decisions bit him in the azz.

 

He gave me crap about taking our son to the doctor back in February when he was sick...he had plans and couldn't change them. I told him I was used to this, so I'm not surprised and he shot back that he doesn't answer to me anymore...yada yada yada. So I cleared my calendar at work for 3 hours to take our son to the doctor that was around the corner from exH's house. When I dropped him to his dads, his dad was sitting in the backyard drinking beer with his buddy...some plans. I didn't even bother with it though it irked me.

 

Three days later, son is in ICU at the hospital for an infection around his heart from the cold he had. No matter which of us had taken him to the doctor, this probably still would have happened, but I think that this was the realization that he needed that verbal sparring is just uncalled for. He's been very easy to get a long with on our son's issues now.

 

Shame it takes something like that to wake up the person who causes the issues but is carrying the guilt and trying to disperse it on others to realize that.

[standtall]

STBXW just texted "the kids what u get them something to eat after you pick them up"

 

So I replied "no, feed them like normal, I have other plans for them"

 

She replied "you'll have to feed them as I have plans too"

 

Wow!

 

Don't even bother responding to her..she feeds on it. It gives her power..not alot, just a little..over you.

[aMguilts]

I post my story as it happens , I treat this like a journal.

 

You are free to read, comment, advise or ignore it.

 

Hey jaymz.

 

Your right. I had no right to say that . I`m sorry.

please except my apologies

 

aM

[jaymz]

Wow! another month goes by. Hope you all had a great xmas and a much, much better new year!

 

Went to second mediation. STBXW will not budge on the 50% split of the money and is not interested in any other split but she will let me have the car... empty gesture as its currently broken and rotting on their drive.

 

The mediator moved onto child care arrangements: We had already agreed the every other weekend split with kids. The mediator asked about special occasions: birthdays, mothers day etc. I said I would prefer we kept the current arrangements as when we tried to negotiate swapping days in the past it did not work out. The STBXW was livid and said she would only then agree to the rigid every other weekend and I can never have them for extra days.

 

The Mediator then moved on to holiday time: At the moment I have them for extra over Christmas break, Easter break and the summer holiday. STBXW wants the holiday time to be set in stone, she is not interested in having 1 month, 2 months notice of when I can have them. The mediator said the court can order that but its more usual to have a fixed time period where you can book holidays etc, ie: I have them sometime in the first 3 weeks of summer holiday.

 

Then we moved onto xmas day. The STBXW wants the arrangement to be xmas eve, xmas day and then a hand over xmas day eve. We did that last year and I didn't like it as it felt like I was clocking watching all day and couldn't go anywhere with them so suggested we do the handover 10am boxing day instead. STBXW was not happy with that! The mediator suggested that we could try it this xmas as the STBXW has them. a couple of days later, the STBXW made up some excuse that I couldn't now have them until 6pm boxing day...

 

We left mediation, as the STBXW didnt want to agree to anything the mediator said she would send me the FM1 form so I could take the STBXW to court. The mediator did say that we should both think about things and come back for another session after xmas to try and resolve things as the court route will be very expensive.

[jaymz]

I had the kids the weekend before xmas. We did some great things together like roller skating with my family! Had their cousin over for more fun and games.

 

In the car on the way to drop them off, they told me that scumbag smacks them very hard and when he loses his temper he screams in their faces and spits too! I was shocked at this and told them that he is not allowed to do that and if he threatens them again to tell him he is not allowed and they will tell me.

 

Handed them off to STBXW and the youngest son didn't want to go in this time. Talked him round and also let them know that it was only for a few days and they would be back with me again.

[jaymz]

Picked the kids up last night. STBXW again slams the door in my face so I tell her to send them to the car when they are ready.

 

I wait 5 minutes and the kids come out, I put them in the car and then go and collect their overnight bag which the eldest is holding in the dorrway. The STBXW says "dont forget to bring them back by 3pm on saturday" which I reply yes, she then starts to accuse me of neglicting them as the daughter came back the other day red raw, I just said "goodbye stbxw" and walked away.

 

I go to the car and put the bag in the boot. I hear scumbag start shouting, I turn and look at him and he is all puffed up and standing aggressively shouting things at me. I couldn't hear him clearly as he has a high pitched voice and it didn't carry well but the message was clear: He was accusing me of saying something and wanted to punch my lights out. I just stood there in amazement and shook my head at him. The kids were in the car, his were in the hallway of his house and I could hear the MIL shouting "its not worth it".

 

Ignoring scumbag and his ridiculous Neanderthal routine, I got in the car and asked the eldest if mummy was in a bad mood, he said she was ok but called me a "f*cking tw*t" behind my back when I picked up the bag. nice.

[so_difficult]

Hi Jaymz - just curious. Why are you not trying to get more time with the kids in your agreement?

[jaymz]

Hi Jaymz - just curious. Why are you not trying to get more time with the kids in your agreement?

 

A couple of reasons I cannot have a 50/50 arrangement:

 

1. My current job I leave the house at 6am and return 7pm everyday. No judge will give me 50% arrangement if I have to have child care and the mother opposes it on the basis she is SAHM.

 

2. I cannot financially give up my job. I have been left with huge debt and a bad credit rating so need the salary to pay it off.

 

3. I live with my parents as I cannot afford a home due to point 2

 

If i need to get full custody I would jack in my job tomorrow and go on social benifit and bankrupt myself to clear the debt. The kids come first and things are in place for me to do that if nessecary.

 

I have a curent plan where I pay off my debts and start a new business so I can quit my current job and have the kids 50/50. This should take around 3 years to do and any agreement I have with the STBXW will have a clause around changing the arrangements if my circumstances change.

[jaymz]

Spoke to the police and told them about the incident last night and asked for some advice. They have logged the incident and the local police station will be calling me back.

 

I told them my concerns of his threat of violence in fromt of his and my kids.

The fact he is an ex-junkie.

The fact I have to pick them up and drip them off he is there.

 

At the moment its keeping a VAR on me and dialling 999...

[trippi1432]

Jaymz - how old is the daughter that has the rash and red bottom issue and do you have another daughter who can help you keep up with how she is being handed off to you? Seems like the ex is keeping up with her condition when you bring them back, for your own good, you may need to keep track yourself. Perhaps your mom can help keep track. It's just interesting that your ex has mentioned this more than once so you might want to protect against any claims she might have citing hygenic neglect or worse.

 

My condolences to you. Your ex and her "jerk" of a boyfriend are a real piece of work.

[jaymz]

I only have one daughter, she is 4, the other two are boys.

 

My daughter is not red raw down there. Occasionally I get her and she is red which is when the STBXW accuses me of neglict, so unless I photo her the minute I get her and the minute I drop her off....

[jaymz]

The police called and left a message, I was out with the kids and missed it. Will call them back later.

 

STBXW called and none of the kids wanted to talk to her, all three argued that they wanted to go last... I gave the phone to the eldest to talk to her and then my youngest got up and got into the bath to avoid the phone. STBXW was upset at them, told the two boys off! I put the phone on speaker so my daughter could talk to her while she was in the bath.

[2sunny]

Each and EVERY time her guy raises his voice or lays a hand on the kids= they need to call the police!

 

EVERY TIME!!!

 

And if you aren't willing to get them 100% of the time - that's just wrong!

 

You need to use this I of to get your kids into a safe place - which includes AWAY from their mom and her boyfriend!

 

To do anything less is ALLOWING it!