Author NickFeek Posted November 17, 2011 Author Posted November 17, 2011 I think you assume she's in the kitchen - when she's not even close. She doesn't appear to care that there's a mess - she intends to ignore the mess - YOU deal with it - she doesn't even want to eat the dessert anyway...so why bother when she can hide away and avoid it all knowing you will do the work while she's away. Once again, I tip my chef's hat. I hear you on both posts, and I do see that you're talking process now. The sad thing is it probably DOES take fear to motivate her, and that I can provide. It takes more than me sitting back and forcing her to pitch in, especially if you're right that she's not even in the kitchen. I really don't know what it wil take to be honest. One positive note: She booked a night away for just the two of us next Friday. First time she's ever taken the initiative like this.
2sunny Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 Even if you clean up the mess on your own - buy the ingredients, mix it yourself then bake it: SHE still wouldn't tell you IF she intends to get home to eat it... Sad - but true. And you do all that effort without HER answer of yes or no on whether or not to expect her to show up.
2sunny Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 A night away - that is good to hear! Does that mean she intends to play in the bedroom too?
Author NickFeek Posted November 17, 2011 Author Posted November 17, 2011 A night away - that is good to hear! Does that mean she intends to play in the bedroom too? Dear god I hope so! I'm such a live wire right now that even this posting was hard to read!
2sunny Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 I'd have a resentment that my spouse ant answer a simple question about intent - yet finds time to book a room. I want to think positive on this but I don't see her being respectful of you and IF she intends to be all in! I'd also wonder how to enjoy it while wondering if it's a manipulative play to avoid doing the work necessary. *as a side note - I wouldn't normally think the above at all - except your wife seems to avoid her real life at all cost. What pain is she hiding from? It was there long before you cheated. Has she considered hypnosis?
Krystalklear Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 I am going to suggest counseling. Try counseling before you decide the relationship is beyond repair. If you wait to long you will expect counseling to work a miracle quickly. Maybe if you get counseling your wife will understand how serious you are about changes. The grass is not greener on the other side. Don't give up 80% in a relationship and end up with a 20% relationship. All marriages have their challenges, hang in there, you are probably both having those problems that people in the 40's seem to have when they look back over their lives and consider the future. Not a good time to make major life decisions.
Author NickFeek Posted November 17, 2011 Author Posted November 17, 2011 I'd have a resentment that my spouse ant answer a simple question about intent - yet finds time to book a room. I want to think positive on this but I don't see her being respectful of you and IF she intends to be all in! I'd also wonder how to enjoy it while wondering if it's a manipulative play to avoid doing the work necessary. *as a side note - I wouldn't normally think the above at all - except your wife seems to avoid her real life at all cost. What pain is she hiding from? It was there long before you cheated. Has she considered hypnosis? I also question things like that because of her pattern of being laissez faire. I don't think she's doing it to be manipulative. I think it's a genuine effort to participate. What hurts my heart is the fear that it will devolve into what we had before, as if one shot is enough. BUT I'm not going to allow that to put a negative light on her efforts. Best case we reconnect on every level and come up with a plan to move forward. Worst case we find out either she can't do the work or one/both of us doesn't think it's worth the effort, and it becomes our swan song. Either way I plan to make that night count in a pivotal way.
Author NickFeek Posted November 17, 2011 Author Posted November 17, 2011 I am going to suggest counseling. Try counseling before you decide the relationship is beyond repair. If you wait to long you will expect counseling to work a miracle quickly. Maybe if you get counseling your wife will understand how serious you are about changes. The grass is not greener on the other side. Don't give up 80% in a relationship and end up with a 20% relationship. All marriages have their challenges, hang in there, you are probably both having those problems that people in the 40's seem to have when they look back over their lives and consider the future. Not a good time to make major life decisions. Thank you for weighing in. I agree it's not quite the time to thriw it all away. We have been in counseling for months. Nothing suoer promising yet, but nothing saying we should quit yet either.
2sunny Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 we shall see - IF she doesn't make it to counseling - it's her bargaining tool to appease you so she doesn't have to go. that IS manipulation - IF she does it. her way of avoiding speaking HER truth (i don't intend to do counseling and face our issues) but i'll keep you quiet by spending a night away... so you continue being quiet. and so i can continue on with my life the way i wish to - even though i'm unwilling to tell you what may be bothering me - that way you can't fix it - or me - but i'll give you enough so that you don't expect me to REALLY participate and heal this M.
Author NickFeek Posted November 17, 2011 Author Posted November 17, 2011 we shall see - IF she doesn't make it to counseling - it's her bargaining tool to appease you so she doesn't have to go. that IS manipulation - IF she does it. her way of avoiding speaking HER truth (i don't intend to do counseling and face our issues) but i'll keep you quiet by spending a night away... so you continue being quiet. and so i can continue on with my life the way i wish to - even though i'm unwilling to tell you what may be bothering me - that way you can't fix it - or me - but i'll give you enough so that you don't expect me to REALLY participate and heal this M. Well as used to her behavior as I am, I do still have lines. And that kind of bargaining won't cut it. I have been very clear from the get-go that counseling HAS to be part of the deal no matter what else.
2sunny Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 Well as used to her behavior as I am, I do still have lines. And that kind of bargaining won't cut it. I have been very clear from the get-go that counseling HAS to be part of the deal no matter what else. yet she misses two weeks in a row - with no commitment for the third week = and you haven't set any boundary on what happens when she doesn't show... she has you by the balls Nick - and now she dangles a carrot in front of you (a night away) and you will be satisfied with that effort - so much that she figures you will overlook her lack of participation to heal the M for a night of sex. why don't YOU require HER respect enough to have an answer for tomorrow's appointment? she doesn't respect you - because you don't require it... yet she KNOWS you are a hubby that can be bribed...
2sunny Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 how hard is it for her to tell you IF she INTENDS to go tomorrow? it's MEAN that she won't tell you!!!!! there is SO MUCH power in her evasive approach!
Author NickFeek Posted November 17, 2011 Author Posted November 17, 2011 yet she misses two weeks in a row - with no commitment for the third week = and you haven't set any boundary on what happens when she doesn't show... she has you by the balls Nick - and now she dangles a carrot in front of you (a night away) and you will be satisfied with that effort - so much that she figures you will overlook her lack of participation to heal the M for a night of sex. why don't YOU require HER respect enough to have an answer for tomorrow's appointment? she doesn't respect you - because you don't require it... yet she KNOWS you are a hubby that can be bribed... And I let her know that was unacceptable. People are free to make their own mistakes, and they're also free to make reparations. That's her job now, and I've made it clear that's what she needs to do as a show of good faith & effort. Believe me, one night away is not enough to substitute for consistent work & consistent change. As for her answer about tomorrow, yes it's damn annoying I can't just get a simple confirmation. But as it's about 24 hours away now, I'm patient enough to let the session itself be the answer. PLUS any other time she has not come (the last two) or been late (a handful of others), she has always told me in advance, so my easy assumption here is that because she has not said this, and because she KNOWS she's in the dog house, she will come.
2sunny Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 unacceptable? but no consequence... the merri go round continues with no change...
2sunny Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 i see the respect issue a core problem. since you don't EXPECT or INTEND for her to show her respect for you - you don't receive it. your patience factor works against you in this area. you also need to recognize that her actions are telling you what she won't say!
Author NickFeek Posted November 17, 2011 Author Posted November 17, 2011 i see the respect issue a core problem. since you don't EXPECT or INTEND for her to show her respect for you - you don't receive it. your patience factor works against you in this area. you also need to recognize that her actions are telling you what she won't say! All part of what we will work work on in counseling. We MAY be past a good portion of the infidelity issue. I think it came to a head for her last week, and it's quite likely we're on the other side of it. Not over yet, but in the right direction. That means we can start dealing with pre-existing issues more, including this.
Surfer203 Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 I've followed this thread since day one and there is no question about it Nick absolutely loves his wife. I commend you on your efforts in making your marriage work. I hope it works out for you and you get what you want out of life.
Author NickFeek Posted November 17, 2011 Author Posted November 17, 2011 I've followed this thread since day one and there is no question about it Nick absolutely loves his wife. I commend you on your efforts in making your marriage work. I hope it works out for you and you get what you want out of life. Thank you. If there's one thing that's been true, it's that. But I have to be honest & say that sometimes I wish I didn't love her. It might be easier for me to know what to do, what to trust, etc.
2sunny Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 All part of what we will work work on in counseling. We MAY be past a good portion of the infidelity issue. I think it came to a head for her last week, and it's quite likely we're on the other side of it. Not over yet, but in the right direction. That means we can start dealing with pre-existing issues more, including this. how did that come to happen when she hasn't been to the counselor in the past 2-1/2 weeks? did she give you that clear indication all on her own - with her solid words that told you that? PAST the infidelity now? i'd love for you to explain what evidence you have that shows she is past it now. i am hoping this is true - but her actions and words must align for this to be believable... show me evidence her words and actions are making complete change in this marriage.
Author NickFeek Posted November 17, 2011 Author Posted November 17, 2011 how did that come to happen when she hasn't been to the counselor in the past 2-1/2 weeks? did she give you that clear indication all on her own - with her solid words that told you that? PAST the infidelity now? i'd love for you to explain what evidence you have that shows she is past it now. i am hoping this is true - but her actions and words must align for this to be believable... show me evidence her words and actions are making complete change in this marriage. Let me elaborate on two points. First, I didn't say she's past the infidelity. I said she may be past a good portion of it. I know there's still stuff to work on there, and will be for as long as I'm with my company. But I also know my wife well enough - 25 years well enough - to know when she's turned a corner. I'm sure there will be down dips again, but I can feel some of the pressure has lifted after the blowup last week. Do I know for certain? No - only time & talking will tell. The talking we'll do tomorrow. The time will pass & next weekend will come, and we'll see how much of it she's been able to move past, and what's left for us to work on. Short answer - all I'm saying is she's turned one corner. She hasn't made the whole trip. Nor would I expect she could at this stage - as much as I'd like that.
2sunny Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 Let me elaborate on two points. First, I didn't say she's past the infidelity. I said she may be past a good portion of it. I know there's still stuff to work on there, and will be for as long as I'm with my company. But I also know my wife well enough - 25 years well enough - to know when she's turned a corner. I'm sure there will be down dips again, but I can feel some of the pressure has lifted after the blowup last week. Do I know for certain? No - only time & talking will tell. The talking we'll do tomorrow. The time will pass & next weekend will come, and we'll see how much of it she's been able to move past, and what's left for us to work on. Short answer - all I'm saying is she's turned one corner. She hasn't made the whole trip. Nor would I expect she could at this stage - as much as I'd like that. i'd love to understand what the evidence is...
Author NickFeek Posted November 17, 2011 Author Posted November 17, 2011 i'd love to understand what the evidence is... You'd have to be here to know. You always say that actions trump words. In this case there is no verbal evidence. I see it in her behavior, her attitude, her actions. If I'm wrong, we'll know soon enough. This could just be a "good week".
2sunny Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 that is good to hear! changed actions and attitude with behavior is better evidence than empty words!
Author NickFeek Posted November 17, 2011 Author Posted November 17, 2011 that is good to hear! changed actions and attitude with behavior is better evidence than empty words! Thanks! I just have to hope it's a step forward, and not just a blip in the radar. We'll shall see.
2sunny Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 Dear God - please say she attended the session today!
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