2sunny Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 What was your wife's reaction/action when you told her its over? Link to post Share on other sites
Author NickFeek Posted January 3, 2013 Author Share Posted January 3, 2013 I spent part of that conversation seeing if there was any opening for change or improvement, but as her answers came back in the negative we BOTH realized where it was heading. After that for her was intense anger & silence & walking away. Then it was pain & fear. Then some bargaining and giving me a chance to take it back (Quote: "If you want to say you ****ed up (meaning about the breakup not about other things), we can forget the whole thing.") BUT the main response from her was that she felt blindsided. It's not surprising but it's very scary she'd feel this, considering all that's transpired in the last two months, two years, two decades. But I'm also sensitive to the fact that maybe she didn't want it to happen no matter how much she's protested, and that I've never called her bluff or gone through with my "threat" to leave in the past, so I guess on one level this makes sense. Overall we've both been understanding & accommodating, especially where the kids are involved, and have agreed to take care of things gradually and amicably. The only other thing that bothered me is that she insisted I'm doing this to run off from the kids & have a wild life. I told her in no uncertain terms that it has nothing to do with the kids or the home life. It's all about me loving 80% of her and not being able to live with the other 20% - because that 20% is the CORE of what an intimate relationship is. She agreed she overstated my reasons, but I think she's deflecting responsibility as much as possible. And if part of that is to soothe herself and protect her feelings, she's welcome to do it. I don't want her to hurt more. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 So - do you feel she "heard" you? Or do you think she just ignores what she doesn't intend to understand? Link to post Share on other sites
Author NickFeek Posted January 3, 2013 Author Share Posted January 3, 2013 Sadly, and to borrow my own percentages, I think she hears about 20% and shuts out the other 80%. Of that 80%, my guess is some of that is conscious & deliberate shutting out, but the vast majority is her denial. Case in point, I told her there were three things I believe got us to this point. 1. I need more balance in my life; 2. Her work life & inability to be reached or connected with drove us steadily apart; 3. Our ideas of a fulfilling sex life are very very different. Her comment was, "Do you think I had anything to do with you not having a balanced life?" Truth be told, not really. She never prevented me from pursuing my interests or going out with friends or taking other breaks, etc. She's always been understanding of that. So I gladly conceded that point to her. But then she never even mentioned the other two points. It was as if I hadn't said them. And I think that's because she shuts out whatever doesn't fit her view of reality. Try as I did to expose her to what I saw as reality, she barely budged in all these years, while I slid as far into her world as possible until I realized it didn't ring true & it was suffocating me. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 Based on what you've said - she fulfills her whole life with her work - and never gives you a thought while she's there. She may be doing nothing wrong - but she's also not doing things right. She's known for a long time that avoiding you makes you unhappy - yet she didn't do anything to change the way she has participated. In this case - doing nothing is something. And that's the part she doesn't get. When you ignore someone/something long enough - it dies away... A slow painful, neglected death. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NickFeek Posted January 3, 2013 Author Share Posted January 3, 2013 She's known for a long time that avoiding you makes you unhappy - yet she didn't do anything to change the way she has participated. When you ignore someone/something long enough - it dies away... A slow painful, neglected death. I agree with ALL of that, but especially the lines I kept above. I still can't help but hope she'll break out of her prison one day, but that's all up to her now and blessedly I can find fulfillment in life without having to wait for that. I still worry much more for her than for myself. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 Did you move? What has changed? Link to post Share on other sites
Author NickFeek Posted January 3, 2013 Author Share Posted January 3, 2013 I'm staying with a friend until I can find an apartment nearby. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 Filing for D may have her realize you intend to really change things... Link to post Share on other sites
Author NickFeek Posted January 3, 2013 Author Share Posted January 3, 2013 That'll come. Lots of other changes first. Link to post Share on other sites
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