findingnemo Posted November 19, 2011 Share Posted November 19, 2011 Bumping this. I hope she did too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NickFeek Posted November 19, 2011 Author Share Posted November 19, 2011 Bumping this. I hope she did too. Thanks to both of you for asking. She did. It was maybe the most productive session we've had. Then last night everything blew up & today she's saying the marriage is over. I'm not currently in any state to elaborate, but I hope to get to it soon. Thanks again. Link to post Share on other sites
Lexygirl Posted November 19, 2011 Share Posted November 19, 2011 Nick, I feel for ya. Sometimes things have to 'blow up' in order to get to where they need to be. My stbx and I haven't 'fought' in years and well that was part of the problem... both of our avoidance. Hope you two can work on it this weekend. * hugs * Link to post Share on other sites
Author NickFeek Posted November 19, 2011 Author Share Posted November 19, 2011 Nick, I feel for ya. Sometimes things have to 'blow up' in order to get to where they need to be. My stbx and I haven't 'fought' in years and well that was part of the problem... both of our avoidance. Hope you two can work on it this weekend. * hugs * Ironically the blow up was mostly over this forum. Link to post Share on other sites
findingnemo Posted November 19, 2011 Share Posted November 19, 2011 Hey Nick, I'm glad to hear she showed up. What is it about the forum she doesn't like? Has she been looking at your posts lately? This will probably be the new thing she's PO about, huh? If it was a competition she'd win hands down. She has collected so many grievances that I wonder why she's still there. Well, don't worry about it too much. Unfortunately you can't unpost anything. In any case, you were discussing your feelings. Perhaps she should read the whole thread. She may learn how much you love her and have bent over backwards to preserve you M. Personally, I'd have thrown in the towel by now and I'm a woman!!! Relax. Do something fun to take your mind off things. Come back when you feel better. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 19, 2011 Share Posted November 19, 2011 She can be mad... Doesn't mean you need to react or over react to her being mad. She could also see it as a resource for her to learn - is she open to that? At least she's SAYING she's mad - that is good progress! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 She can be mad... Doesn't mean you need to react or over react to her being mad. She could also see it as a resource for her to learn - is she open to that? At least she's SAYING she's mad - that is good progress! On that note I'm also left wondering what else she wishes to control in your life...? It seems that she wants to stifle you in acknowledging your feelings - much as she has. How much control do you plan to hand over? Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 Hey Nick, I'm glad to hear she showed up. What is it about the forum she doesn't like? Has she been looking at your posts lately? This will probably be the new thing she's PO about, huh? If it was a competition she'd win hands down. She has collected so many grievances that I wonder why she's still there. Well, don't worry about it too much. Unfortunately you can't unpost anything. In any case, you were discussing your feelings. Perhaps she should read the whole thread. She may learn how much you love her and have bent over backwards to preserve you M. Personally, I'd have thrown in the towel by now and I'm a woman!!! Relax. Do something fun to take your mind off things. Come back when you feel better. Agree with above poster. I am amazed at how much you have done to preserve your marriage (don't agree with the infidelity, but I do feel that you have tried to rectify the damage) and I wish my H had done 1/2 as much to keep me with him. I got so tired of trying to figure out the psychology of his dissatisfaction instead of just living our lives, I just don't know how you can keep on going forward with it. I'm exhausted reading about the efforts you put in with such minimal results. Well...not exactly exhausted...but maybe frustrated for you, with you...whatever. I am not trying to simplify this all, but sometimes I really think it should not be this freaking hard to be happy. Good luck..hope things get better soon. I think I would lose my mind if I had to worry about the back and forth decisions as long as you have. Almost anything has to be better than limbo. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 I do think she's looking for things to be mad at you for - instead of looking for things to be happy about. This provides a few things for her: she stays stuck in her negative mind set and it causes blame to be shifted to you, so that YOU do something about it instead of her. It's her thinking - not yours. You don't have to own the way SHE feels - that is hers and it is hers to deal with how SHE feels... It's also hers to change- but only IF she wants to - her mind would need to become open to DOING that. It's not something YOU can do for her. You deserve to be happy each day - no matter if SHE is happy or not. This is YOUR boundary. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 I hope you're not deciding to follow along with such a plan of control that it keeps you in a quiet little bubble that doesn't allow you room to seek others opinions and input. How much control and power do you allow her to have over you? Seems you are so willing to give up your sense of self in order to make her happy. What happens if you can't MAKE her happy, be happy or get happy? Some people just can't get there no matter what. Doesn't mean another person gives up their sense of self - and the outlets that help that sense of self if it is designed to help you. That just shows more selfishness and fear from her - isn't that what she should/could be working at getting rid of? By going along with it - you aren't helping her to get past it and grow - you are just helping her stay stuck by appeasing her requests. Have a voice and speak your truth. Good balance in a person would never allow another to squash them. There's no person growth or well being in being limited and squashed. She hasn't grown a bit. You are catering to her inability to find courage to change. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 i hope there is change and progress... Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 Any improvement, Nick? Link to post Share on other sites
Floridaman Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 "Bumping" so doesn't lock-up or "time out." Interesting thread. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NickFeek Posted January 1, 2013 Author Share Posted January 1, 2013 Hi all. Long time no check in. Just giving you a quick heads up that I left my wife officially two days ago. Still lots of logistics to sort out, especially concerning the kids, but it's a new year & a new beginning. I'm full of so many conflicting emotions that it's probably best I don't try to get them all out in one posting, but I'd appreciate any advice or anecdotes from anyone who's taken this leap. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted January 2, 2013 Share Posted January 2, 2013 At this point take care of you Nick. Do what's right for your kids and your future. Makes me sad that your wife is unwilling to change and grow WITH you... Link to post Share on other sites
Author NickFeek Posted January 2, 2013 Author Share Posted January 2, 2013 At this point take care of you Nick. Do what's right for your kids and your future. Makes me sad that your wife is unwilling to change and grow WITH you... Agreed wholeheartedly. I made it SO clear what I felt we needed to work on, LONG before 2010, and every month AFTER 2010, and on the whole things got worse not better. Other things did get better, but the core issues remained the same. She's stuck in a moment she can't get out of (to quote a song), and my sinking hope tells me she'll never be able to. Talking to friends & family last night, while struggling mightily to stick to my decision & not go running back home, I realized I've been in the midst of a sort of a Stockholm Syndrome. It's been very easy for me to see things her way for so long, even though something in me has always battled against it. And it's been VERY hard for me to make this break & keep it, because I'm still VERY prone to falling back into her version of reality. In fact, the main reason I left the house last night was because I needed space from her very convincing version of things. And I do NOT at all think it's malicious or even conscious. I just think that's how she really sees things. I could go on (and probably will!). So much rushing through my head. It's good advice to take care of myself, and I'm also focusing quite a bit on doing right and then some by my kids. Again that's THE most painful part of this, among many painful parts. I hope it gets easier, for me and them. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted January 2, 2013 Share Posted January 2, 2013 (edited) Hi Nick - sorry to see you back here, I was hoping that things were finally going well for you. I do have a question since your thread did start out uncovering some infidelity, during this time you have been gone from the forum, have you been faithful with no affairs or EA's? Edited January 2, 2013 by trippi1432 Clarification Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted January 2, 2013 Share Posted January 2, 2013 What was her convincing version of things? Link to post Share on other sites
Author NickFeek Posted January 2, 2013 Author Share Posted January 2, 2013 Hi Trippi! No, no infidelity of any kind since the incidents in 2010. 2sunny, her version did have some truths, like: I have changed since we first met & she hasn't, and there are things I want from a mate that she can't give me. But the underlying causes are where we differ. She believes the majority of the blame for our failure lies with me & my inability to be happy. She believes her m.o. in the realms of work and intimacy are not prohibitive or restrictive, and stands firm that she sees no reason she should change any of that. She believes things were improving - and while they were in things like mutual respect & kindness, and fairness in home & kid stuff, when it came to the core issues, there were no changes - and in some ways things got worse. That's the main reason I pursued this split. Honestly the differing views of reality have so spun my head around that I really need to keep my distance until I can clear my head. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted January 2, 2013 Share Posted January 2, 2013 Has she still been working like a crazy woman? Has she participated more with you, the kids, the household? Did she go to counseling for any extended time? Link to post Share on other sites
Author NickFeek Posted January 2, 2013 Author Share Posted January 2, 2013 Has she still been working like a crazy woman? Has she participated more with you, the kids, the household? Did she go to counseling for any extended time? Yes, and her work hours have gotten worse. Plus she got a promotion and may be heading up two committees. AND several people were fired with no replacements hired, so the workload will only increase. She absolutely still participates fully with the kids & household, but only slightly more with me - i.e. sometimes she answers my emails. We went to counseling for a few months, quit in February, never went back despite my pleas, and she made it clear she has no intention of ever going back. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted January 2, 2013 Share Posted January 2, 2013 And what is her specific reason for wanting to focus on work so much that she's not nurturing her relationship with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author NickFeek Posted January 2, 2013 Author Share Posted January 2, 2013 Supporting/sacrificing for the kids/family. I told her I felt like I was thrown under the work bus years ago. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted January 2, 2013 Share Posted January 2, 2013 Did she ever read through this whole thread? If so, did she see anything she COULD do differently? Link to post Share on other sites
Author NickFeek Posted January 2, 2013 Author Share Posted January 2, 2013 She read through a good deal of the thread and told me if we had any hope of saving our marriage I had to shut it down immediately. Link to post Share on other sites
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