25 year old virgin

[Dust]

I gotta say something that I've been noticing here that people tell me I shouldn't force myself to find girls and just go at life without care about it, but up until now that's how I was at life, just randomly talking to girls without pushing anything and that's gotten me nowhere.

 

You do need to push thing with girls. You need to do that because you want too not because you forced yourself to do something you didn't want too.

 

See when I go talk to a girl, flirt, ask her out. Do something with her, hold her hand, kiss her. It's great! I'm so happy I feel like jumping up and clicking my heels togather.

 

You on the other hand talk about meeting women like it is stressful and scary. You need to stop worrying and just do what you need to do. Be natural.

 

You lived your life not trying to kiss girls, now my guess is you were afraid. The reason you were afraid is because you built it up in your head for what ever reason you only know. Now if you really don't want to do anything with girls then why stress about it now. Just because every one else does? Either way stop stressing and worrying. Either just go and ask girls out, or don't! Either way no stess don't worry.

 

When I have conquered my anxiety and fear I want to be able to get out there and have a love/sex life' date=' but it seems that I need to change something or try something new about how I approach women because just casually talking to women is not working.[/quote']

 

stop thinking about it and just do something. The anxieties all in your head.

[HeavenOrHell]

In my experience most of my partners have been friends first, I'm not going to jump into sex or a r/ship if I don't really like them as a close friend first.

 

The steps to get girls to sleep with you are very different from getting one to be your friend.

 

I've had many female friends and I can have more if I wanted to. But getting further than that is the hard part.

 

From what I've experienced in my life, it's not possible to turn a female friend into a lover.

 

 

That's what the OP wants.

 

Not how to make friends.

[somedude81]

In my experience most of my partners have been friends first, I'm not going to jump into sex or a r/ship if I don't really like them as a close friend first.

You seem to be different from the majority of women.

 

So many women refuse to date their friends that it's pretty much seen that becoming friends with a woman means that the guy will never have a chance with her. I've been in that situation too many times.

[AKollegeGuy]

My councilor has been showing me ways I can calm down, including breathing exercises and ways to think about things. One of which I think is rather eye opening. What I say to myself during stressful times, an article called The Power of Self-Talk by Harriet B. Braiker. This was very insightful and I suggest others take a look at it for those who find themselves constantly defeating themselves.

 

Recently I've been shifting through all the crap in my head about why I'm anxious and upset about certain things, but not others. For instance a major homework assignment makes my nervous, but not much. Talking to a girl. No problem. Talking to a girl and wondering if I should ask for her number or something, boom, major anxiety. Seeing or hearing about sex in any way shape or form, boom, I'm upset, angry, and jealous.

 

But like I said, I'm taking steps. My roommate, another guy stuck in a rut, and I are planning on going to the bars this week. At least to get out of our room and away from the internet and TV and all.

 

Still, I want to know more ways of combating this depression and how to get out there and get a sex/love life that I feel is long over due.

[Floridaman]

Still, I want to know more ways of combating this depression and how to get out there and get a sex/love life that I feel is long over due.

Sounds like you're doing all the right things.

For more ideas on how to approach women, consider participating in this thread.

For those who can't get dates in their late 20s, 30s and 40s http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3599909&posted=1#post3599909

 

 

Recently I've been shifting through all the crap in my head about why I'm anxious and upset about certain things, but not others. For instance a major homework assignment makes my nervous, but not much.

 

Talking to a girl. No problem. Talking to a girl and wondering if I should ask for her number or something, boom, major anxiety.

 

Seeing or hearing about sex in any way shape or form, boom, I'm upset, angry, and jealous

You see the problem with the above, so don't get rattled when you see other happy couples, etc.

Just try to overcome your fears and attempt to become one of those in successful relationships.

 

No, it isn't easy, even when you get the nerve and start dating people, but you'll never become successful until you take some initiative and get out and meet new people, women AND men. More later on why you need to meet all kinds of people, if you're interested.

Edited September 1, 2011 by Floridaman

[AHardDaysNight]

I am also someone who suffers from anxiety and panic attacks, and...you guessed it...am a virgin in my late 20's.

 

It's gotten to the point where it doesn't bother me anymore. I mean, it does, but I can't help what happened.

[Floridaman]

No, it isn't easy, even when you get the nerve and start dating people, but you'll never become successful until you take some initiative and get out and meet new people, women AND men.

 

More later on why you need to meet all kinds of people, if you're interested.

The reason I recommend making all kinds of friends, male and female, it helps expand your social base.

The more people you know, the more likely you'll find someone interested in dating you.

 

Plus, having many friends makes you a better and more well-rounded person.

 

Now, truth be told, I was kind of a loner and had a career that had me moving from town to town, so it was hard forming friendships.

It's just that I've seen how friends introduce friends, which could become GFs.

Now see how making more friends could have helped me in dating.

 

Was at a dinner some of us from work went to one night after work.

Noticed a woman sitting next to a female colleage. Went to her side of the table and struck-up a conversation.

That landed me a date the next weekend and though she later dumped me, I at least got a 2-3 month dating relationship out of it -- as well as some kisses and other things....

 

Say you make some new friends. One of your guy friends brings his sister, female cousin or female friend to some function.

Voila. Someone you might be able to date.

 

 

Or... you confide in him your dating troubles. He may know a woman who might be good for you.

 

Blind dates do work !!! I'm living proof.

That's how I met my wife in my early 30s...

Edited September 1, 2011 by Floridaman

[Nerd4Noodles]

I would just like to say that everything that you have said throughout this whole thread is exactly what I am going through. I am a 24 (soon to be 25 year old) female who has never been kissed let alone ever had sex. I've been going through the bitter, angry stage that you have mentioned. All I see and hear is nothing but sex, sex, sex. I've heard all the advice given to you in this thread in real life by friends and family. I've taken in the wisdom that they have given me, and appreciated their support. But just like you, the cynical portion of me pierces through and takes over. I have constantly assessed myself. To better myself. To get out of this state I am always in. I've analyzed the good and bad qualities of myself, and realized I am a good person with many strengths. But through this process of self-discovery I think about the “why” questions. Why am I not getting asked out? Why am I the one being ignored? Then this becomes the “well it must be because of this...” stage. Right now that question of "because of this..." is blaming my body for the reasons of my misfortune. Even though I am slender and active, with an interesting face, (not interesting as in a freak of nature. I have just a different face that people have admitted to being attractive), sometimes I don't believe I am beautiful. In fact, I am still struggling with this in my life. I have fits of rage and claim that I am ugly almost everyday. And I cry at the fact that no man would ever want to have me because of my skin, because of my scars, because of my hair, etc., etc... I know that this sounds ridiculous, over-dramatic, but to me I feel it to be true because I have not seen it otherwise. When I saw this thread, I felt relieved to know that someone else is going through the same issues. I'm not alone which I knew I wasn't--it feels so at times. And hearing the advice about “It's easy. Stop thinking so much about it. It will happen in time.” (God. I hate that saying of “it will happen when it's time” Seems that becomes my motto every single year. Or the classic “I wish I was still a virgin” you would be in the same boat I am if you were still a virgin. It seems that both sides have their faults. Go figure. I digress....) has not helped me in the slightest, and I am sure it has not helped you in the slightest. It becomes the “life's a bitch then you die. Get over it.” advice. So, now here I am going through the struggles of figuring out who I am, what I want, and moving forward with the lingering sense of the “whys” “what ifs” and “because of this” questions. It seems that you are heading in the right direction. I don't have any advice to give because I am in the process of fixing myself, but I hope that you will find someone, overcome your anxiety, and become a much happier person. And I'll try to do the same.

[Dust]

I would just like to say that everything that you have said throughout this whole thread is exactly what I am going through. I am a 24 (soon to be 25 year old) female who has never been kissed let alone ever had sex. I've been going through the bitter, angry stage that you have mentioned. All I see and hear is nothing but sex, sex, sex. I've heard all the advice given to you in this thread in real life by friends and family. I've taken in the wisdom that they have given me, and appreciated their support. But just like you, the cynical portion of me pierces through and takes over. I have constantly assessed myself. To better myself. To get out of this state I am always in. I've analyzed the good and bad qualities of myself, and realized I am a good person with many strengths. But through this process of self-discovery I think about the “why” questions. Why am I not getting asked out? Why am I the one being ignored? Then this becomes the “well it must be because of this...” stage. Right now that question of "because of this..." is blaming my body for the reasons of my misfortune. Even though I am slender and active, with an interesting face, (not interesting as in a freak of nature. I have just a different face that people have admitted to being attractive), sometimes I don't believe I am beautiful. In fact, I am still struggling with this in my life. I have fits of rage and claim that I am ugly almost everyday. And I cry at the fact that no man would ever want to have me because of my skin, because of my scars, because of my hair, etc., etc... I know that this sounds ridiculous, over-dramatic, but to me I feel it to be true because I have not seen it otherwise. When I saw this thread, I felt relieved to know that someone else is going through the same issues. I'm not alone which I knew I wasn't--it feels so at times. And hearing the advice about “It's easy. Stop thinking so much about it. It will happen in time.” (God. I hate that saying of “it will happen when it's time” Seems that becomes my motto every single year. Or the classic “I wish I was still a virgin” you would be in the same boat I am if you were still a virgin. It seems that both sides have their faults. Go figure. I digress....) has not helped me in the slightest, and I am sure it has not helped you in the slightest. It becomes the “life's a bitch then you die. Get over it.” advice. So, now here I am going through the struggles of figuring out who I am, what I want, and moving forward with the lingering sense of the “whys” “what ifs” and “because of this” questions. It seems that you are heading in the right direction. I don't have any advice to give because I am in the process of fixing myself, but I hope that you will find someone, overcome your anxiety, and become a much happier person. And I'll try to do the same.

 

You sound like a sexy girl actually. Most guys would kiss your scars whether they be on your face or butt!

 

The guys who are 20+ virgins who are stressed about it did it to themselves by building everything out of proportion. I myself used to have no problem talking to girls in HS and College. The thing was the moment I decided a liked a girl even if I had been very natural with her and vibing the week before I became paralyzed to make a move. I made it seem as if the world would open up and swallow me if I failed. I didn’t want to be known as a creep/loser who goes around asking out women.

 

The fact is the moment I stopped caring so much about what people thought and just started doing the things I wanted to do I had fun and did good with women. There is no secret as a guy, you just have to relax and enjoy a pretty woman instead of stressing about if she likes you or not. Women love it when a guy is carefree and fun to be around. When they feel a guy is all stressed out and will freak out if things don’t work out things become awkward and scary for a woman. The guy who worries about creeping/freaking out women is only more likely to do it. Ask out the girls you like and don’t worry about being a creep, some girls will think you are a creep regardless and like I said worrying about being a creep is only more likely to make girls get creeped out anyways. The rewards a great for a man who has fun being with women and isn’t worried about rejection so he just talks and flirts with women whether it be the beach or the line for check out.

 

Girls have it easy from the view point of most anxiety ridden men because all they have to do is be out there and available to be asked out in some way and say yes. I mean I hate internet dating and recommend even less then night clubs/bars. The thing is whether it be internet dating or bars women have the men lining up. A man will never open up a dating profile and have hordes of women trying to get their number and arrange a meeting, it just won’t ever happening. A man will never go to a bar and have hordes of women trying to start conversations with them and invite them to do things. The thing is the majority of women have a lot more fear of rejection and other things then most men. I mean women don’t have to approach men and flat out ask them “What’s your name? Do you like bowling? Let me pick you up and take you bowling tonight?” I mean some women are that confident and they are rewarded immensely but for the most part the most confident thing a woman will do is smile at you maybe say “hi” or if you’re really lucky hand you their number and ask for a call. If a man hands a women their number or just smiles nothing will probably happen. (I mean better nothing though)

 

Also women like when a man is confident. Men enjoy confident women to. The thing is men also readily date unconfident women who always ask “do I look fat in this.” In fact men often talk about a pretty women who doesn’t realize she is pretty a good thing. I personally want my woman to feel beautiful I just don’t want her to be consumed by vanity. So women are also granted more leeway in that.

 

A woman who never has a bf/husband is often judged harshly in certain cultures. Men actually have no real harm done to their reputation for being labeled a creep/freak who goes after lots of women. In fact men get rewarded by getting that reputation. Women on the other hand can in some cultures including ours in certain small communities have real stigmas attached to reputations surrounding dating.

 

Here’s my advice to you. Just get out there! You seem like a sexy girl so if you just get out there an make yourself available to be talked to. Like by going to the beach or joining a club or class you are interested in people and men will find you. You have an avatar of a cup of noodles that has a panda pattern and is saying “oodles of noodles” that’s pretty cute. You’re a virgin and men actually enjoy that about women something about being first and teaching some one. They’ll find it sexy trust me.

 

Finally one of the things you are worried about scaring is a non issue for every man I’ve ever known. Just get out there and say “yes” when a guy asks you out even if your scared if you think their might be a chance. All you have to do is smile and maybe say “hi” to a guy you’re interested and you’re already above what most women do. It helps him break the ice and hopefully he has the balls to do the rest and you say yes to a date.

[turnera]

I gotta say something that I've been noticing here that people tell me I shouldn't force myself to find girls and just go at life without care about it, but up until now that's how I was at life, just randomly talking to girls without pushing anything and that's gotten me nowhere.

 

When I have conquered my anxiety and fear I want to be able to get out there and have a love/sex life, but it seems that I need to change something or try something new about how I approach women because just casually talking to women is not working.

The REAL issue here is that having sex is NOT the definition of your life.

 

I assume you're looking for a relationship. Women who want a relationship with a viable potential partner don't CARE about sex. They want a guy who shares the same goals, has the same morals, wants the same things. THEN the sex will follow.

[AHardDaysNight]

I am looking for both sex AND a relationship.

 

Obviously, I am not in the ideal situation to attain both. But that doesn't mean that it won't happen; just means that I will be frustrated till it does.

[turnera]

Still, I want to know more ways of combating this depression and how to get out there and get a sex/love life that I feel is long over due.

The two top ways to do that are exercise and volunteering. Plus, both of those are excellent ways to meet people (including women). And better yet, doing either of those makes you more attractive, literally and figuratively.

[AKollegeGuy]

I would just like to say that everything that you have said throughout this whole thread is exactly what I am going through. I am a 24 (soon to be 25 year old) female who has never been kissed let alone ever had sex. I've been going through the bitter, angry stage that you have mentioned. All I see and hear is nothing but sex, sex, sex. I've heard all the advice given to you in this thread in real life by friends and family. I've taken in the wisdom that they have given me, and appreciated their support. But just like you, the cynical portion of me pierces through and takes over. I have constantly assessed myself. To better myself. To get out of this state I am always in. I've analyzed the good and bad qualities of myself, and realized I am a good person with many strengths. But through this process of self-discovery I think about the “why” questions. Why am I not getting asked out? Why am I the one being ignored? Then this becomes the “well it must be because of this...” stage. Right now that question of "because of this..." is blaming my body for the reasons of my misfortune. Even though I am slender and active, with an interesting face, (not interesting as in a freak of nature. I have just a different face that people have admitted to being attractive), sometimes I don't believe I am beautiful. In fact, I am still struggling with this in my life. I have fits of rage and claim that I am ugly almost everyday. And I cry at the fact that no man would ever want to have me because of my skin, because of my scars, because of my hair, etc., etc... I know that this sounds ridiculous, over-dramatic, but to me I feel it to be true because I have not seen it otherwise. When I saw this thread, I felt relieved to know that someone else is going through the same issues. I'm not alone which I knew I wasn't--it feels so at times. And hearing the advice about “It's easy. Stop thinking so much about it. It will happen in time.” (God. I hate that saying of “it will happen when it's time” Seems that becomes my motto every single year. Or the classic “I wish I was still a virgin” you would be in the same boat I am if you were still a virgin. It seems that both sides have their faults. Go figure. I digress....) has not helped me in the slightest, and I am sure it has not helped you in the slightest. It becomes the “life's a bitch then you die. Get over it.” advice. So, now here I am going through the struggles of figuring out who I am, what I want, and moving forward with the lingering sense of the “whys” “what ifs” and “because of this” questions. It seems that you are heading in the right direction. I don't have any advice to give because I am in the process of fixing myself, but I hope that you will find someone, overcome your anxiety, and become a much happier person. And I'll try to do the same.

 

I'm going to admit that it was odd to see a woman having the same problem as me. I always thought that women had it easier than men when it came to relationships, but I guess thats why they're called misconcemptions.

 

I'm not going to lie, its a struggle everyday trying not to go back to the bitterness and anger, especially since nearly everything sets me off. But I know what's waiting for me if I do slip and fall back into my old lifestyle. Hopelessness, despair, and hate.

 

The REAL issue here is that having sex is NOT the definition of your life.

 

I assume you're looking for a relationship. Women who want a relationship with a viable potential partner don't CARE about sex. They want a guy who shares the same goals, has the same morals, wants the same things. THEN the sex will follow.

 

I agree that being a virgin should not define me, yet there is that stigma of an older male virgin. Older male virgins are seen as jokes (i.e. The 40-Year-Old Virgin). And reading some of the horror stories in these forums tends to make me feel worse about my situation, but I can't let that get me down. I refuse to spend my days as an angry, jealous old man despising everyone on the earth.

 

I hope that changing myself will work because I don't know what else to do.

[AHardDaysNight]

Yes, virgins are seen as jokes. But so are socially anxious males, and I have social anxiety.

 

Frankly, I don't give two cr*ps what people think of me. It only matters what I think of me.

 

If a girl wants to reject me, based on something as superficial as that...well, she was never meant to be with me, anyway.

[turnera]

Well, based on what I've seen from my DD21's friends, there are enough girls out there who don't care who they do it with; just ask your friends to help you find someone who will do it with you and get it over with.

[Floridaman]

Yes, virgins are seen as jokes. But so are socially anxious males, and I have social anxiety.

I feel for you guys. Though I never had social anxiety, wasn't that outgoing and think that helped me miss many opportunities.

 

Frankly, I don't give two cr*ps what people think of me. It only matters what I think of me.

 

If a girl wants to reject me, based on something as superficial as that...well, she was never meant to be with me, anyway.

That's a strong attitude.

You should be confident in other things in your life as well...

[AHardDaysNight]

I guess I just have a hard time being confident with girls. They're my weakness.

 

I am drawn by their beauty, and at the same time, I am scared by their power.

[Floridaman]

Just heard this on a TV commercial for Christianmingle.com, the dating site:

 

"...Some of us wait for God to make a move, when God instead wants us to make a move" or something.

Something to think about.

[Cracker Jack]

I always talked to one of my friends about needing to make a move instead of waiting for it to happen naturally. That quote you just posted makes me feel even more strongly about that.

[AHardDaysNight]

The problem is feeling insecure about making that move.

[turnera]

There are two things that I tell my DD21 about such things:

(1) Every other person on earth is JUST as nervous and insecure as you are

(2) Every other person is too busy thinking about THEMSELVES to waste time thinking about you and judging you.

[Cracker Jack]

The problem is feeling insecure about making that move.

 

I hear ya. I know the feeling.

 

But sometimes the best thing to do in the situation is to try not to overthink. When you take time to think about it, you realize that you actually would rather not make a move, because all of the negative thoughts pop-up, which create obvious self-doubt.

 

Once that happens, you're back to square 1 all over again. That's the worse part.

[Floridaman]

Realize it's a bleak situation and many of you feel like you're missing out, but at least be glad for this:

.....when I dated in my 20s during the 1980s, we didn't have internet forums, advice groups, online dating, etc.

We might buy a book on dating but we didn't have anywhere near the resources you have today.

 

Though I dated, wasn't great at it and only had one real relationship 25-30 that almost resulted in engagement at 26.... plus one other LTR... but the woman was ambivalent and soon grew distant...

 

It was only through a blind date set-up by her best friend (a married female business colleague I knew) that I met my future wife @30 that saved me from experiencing my 30s like my lousy 20s...

Edited September 9, 2011 by Floridaman

[Cracker Jack]

That's true.

 

IYO, do you think it's best to just go for it and not focus on the potential outcome? Some say this is hazardous, while others believe it's really what needs to be done. What's your take on that?

[Floridaman]

That's true.

 

IYO, do you think it's best to just go for it and not focus on the potential outcome?

Some say this is hazardous, while others believe it's really what needs to be done.

What's your take on that?

Yes !!

Just Do It !! as the commercial used to say.

 

Like diving off a high board. You can stand there and think of all the things that might happen or go wrong, or just confidently approach and dive....

You see others dive off the high board (and go on dates) so there's no evidence to suggest you can't do the same (dive & dive into dating).

 

Of course there will be hazards, like someone water skiing or snow skiing for the first time, but you will learn to handle going over the wakes and moguls and with practice, you'll be able to master that sport.

 

Not gonna ignore the risks and that everything will go well for you (you have been isolated and not dated much, so you don't have a lot of practice in that), but it is worth the risk....

 

Women WILL say no and even if you get to dating someone, things appear to be going well, you've dated several weeks or a couple of months, but then she changes her mind...

Just don't take that kind of thing personally. You may change your mind later when you realize this woman you're seeing isn't what you're looking for.... so it works both ways.

 

 

 

While some say you have to be attracted to the woman, if you've never dated anyone and you're closing in on your 30s, just approach women who might seem receptive. You don't have to marry one of them, but just doing the dating will help make you feel comfortable with dating, will know how to handle yourself and what to say during dates, and give you that confidence you need.

 

Plus, the more you date, the more people you meet and find you have expanded your social circle. You find this when you and your date do other things outside of dinners and movies, say go to a community fair or somethng where you meet some of her friends, or you and her friends do things together.

 

May meet a friend of your date's and later, if you aren't dating that first woman, the other might represent a future opportunity...

 

There's a lot there, and I can say more, but this should help.

Edited September 9, 2011 by Floridaman