25 year old virgin

[Dust]

It's so annoying how getting women seems to be nothing more than a numbers game.

 

Try & fail, try & fail, keep repeating till somebody says yes. Nobody is special.

 

Everything is a numbers game if you want to view it that simplistically.

 

The thing is confidence is key. You need to just believe in yourself and stop worrying and focusing on this. When I’m single I just live my life its not a big event to flirt with a girl and ask her out. It is a big event to connect with some one and have sex with them and everything else. The thing is I just trust it will happen for me. I know I could die, I know I could be single for ever but I just don’t worry about it. So yes life is a numbers game, but the better way of looking at it is life is a marathon you have to keep moving forward if you want to reach you’re goal before time runs out. If you just make a quick dash and give up you won’t go far.

 

I don't even know what my motivation should be anymore. I am trying to get a girlfriend' date=' but every girl I have considered for that role has rejected me. I feel like I'm wasting too much time and energy actually getting to know a girl first if she's going to reject me anyways, no matter what I do.[/quote']

 

You’re just feeling sorry for yourself. You don’t even really have anything to feel sorry for. Heck even if you were blind or burned etc I still would tell you not to feel sorry for yourself.

 

Your motivation is that you are a man and you’re horny. Having a gf can be the most fun you ever had. Is that enough motivation for you?

 

Girls may reject you no matter what you do but you've done very little.

 

Should I be asking out girls just because they are pretty and I might want to have sex with them? How soon should I ask out somebody after I meet her? And how do I get over the multitudes of rejections that's going to give me?

 

You should come to your own conclusion on this. The thing is you need to go out there and actually try to form an opinion.

 

I get over rejection because I don’t take it personally. No matter how great or excited you are about a girl being rejected in the early stages really shouldn’t be taken personal. Even when you’ve been with some one for years and they reject you in an insulting way say by cheating on you or insulting you etc even then you should not let other people judge you and try not to take it personal.

 

I ask out girls I like when I’m single. I really don’t put to much thought in it other then “she’s pretty I’d like to know her.” I don’t put pressure on myself by saying things like “if she rejects me or we don’t make out then I lose.” If all I get is a glimpse of a pretty girl that is good enough. The fact that I get to enjoy my gf in the nude etc is just the natural progression. Unlike you I’m not going to torture myself by getting to know a girl as a friend when I really want to be knowing her as a lover. That means I flirt from the start, I’m a friend but I’m also more.

[somedude81]

Somedude,

Don't worry so much about the sex right now.

When you meet women, don't immediately think about having sex with her. One reas that sets up a fantasy in your mind that likely bears little resemblance to reality.

The other problem with thinking of sex too soon is it distracts you from your goal to get her to go out with you.

 

Take it easy in the first meeting and don't take it personally if you get rejected. Just move on to the next one.

 

And when you do get a date with her, again, don't think so much about sex or gettibg a kiss.

 

When I woke up at 25, I dated as many women as I could and gained a lot of knowledge on what women are like and how I should best handle myself on dates. You'll soon see what you want (and don't want`) in a woman. You'll also feel more confident about yourself.

 

I have this feeling that you'll be getting onto the dating cycle soon.

Floridaman, I think you missed my point.

 

I'm not really motivated by sex. I want a girlfriend. A companion. Of course sex is a part of that but not the whole deal.

 

I'd only want to date a girl that I have a lot of common interests with and that we have a great time together. Not a lot of girls meet that qualification and it takes a while to figure those things out about a person. As for sex, I'd sleep with just about anybody I'm remotely attracted to. But I'm not looking for a sex buddy.

 

I don't know how I can date a lot of women.

Everything is a numbers game if you want to view it that simplistically.

 

The thing is confidence is key. You need to just believe in yourself and stop worrying and focusing on this.

When it comes to women. I have no reason to be confident. I have accomplished nothing.

 

How can I stop worrying? Frankly I'm terrified that this is how my life will be till the day I die.

When I’m single I just live my life its not a big event to flirt with a girl and ask her out. It is a big event to connect with some one and have sex with them and everything else. The thing is I just trust it will happen for me.

Flirting is something I still don't really understand. I've tried to study it online but that obviously doesn't work well.

 

As for your second point, a big event to connect with somebody and have sex with them, and you trust it will happen for you. I don't trust that it will happen for me. Simply because it never has. A part of me believes that I'm unfu*kable. I can't imagine actually being desired by a woman.

 

I went to my 22 year old cousins wedding last week. The way she looked at her new husband, how much she loved him, it just killed me inside. I've never had a girl look at me that way

You’re just feeling sorry for yourself. You don’t even really have anything to feel sorry for. Heck even if you were blind or burned etc I still would tell you not to feel sorry for yourself.

Damn right I feel sorry for myself.

Your motivation is that you are a man and you’re horny. Having a gf can be the most fun you ever had. Is that enough motivation for you?

No, not really. Mainly because I expect rejection and I'd just be wasting my time and energy.

 

It's like playing the lottery. The fact that you can win one million dollars is not enough motivation to buy hundreds of dollars worth of tickets.

 

Girls may reject you no matter what you do but you've done very little.

Since I expect to lose, I only ask out the girls that I felt I made enough of a connection with, that not asking her out would be stupid.

 

That was about seven girls in the past three years.

 

You should come to your own conclusion on this. The thing is you need to go out there and actually try to form an opinion.

The only way to do it is trial and error, and it gets tiring.

 

I get over rejection because I don’t take it personally. No matter how great or excited you are about a girl being rejected in the early stages really shouldn’t be taken personal

How do you not take it personally? They are rejecting me. The only thing I've ever known from girls is rejection. That tells me that something is wrong with me. The issue can't be that something is wrong with all of them, I am the only constant.

I ask out girls I like when I’m single. I really don’t put to much thought in it other then “she’s pretty I’d like to know her.”

Yeah, I think I should just try that. Never mind, that is exactly what I do.

 

The only thing is, I don't do that with a lot of girls and I may be taking too long to ask somebody out.

 

I'm just not in a hurry to get another rejection.

 

I don’t put pressure on myself by saying things like “if she rejects me or we don’t make out then I lose.”

I see no other way.

[Floridaman]

Floridaman, I think you missed my point.

 

I'm not really motivated by sex. I want a girlfriend. A companion. Of course sex is a part of that but not the whole deal.

Okay. Sorry I misunderstood.

Yes, I know you want sex but as you state, you want a relationship more than anything. I too wanted a relationship and thought the great sex would come with that. Both just came a couple of years later than I wanted..

As for sex, I'd sleep with just about anybody I'm remotely attracted to. But I'm not looking for a sex buddy.

Good.

I went to my 22 year old cousins wedding last week. The way she looked at her new husband, how much she loved him, it just killed me inside. I've never had a girl look at me that way

Damn right I feel sorry for myself.

Have been in that position too... going to weddings and wishing I even had a GF to date....

As for your second point, a big event to connect with somebody and have sex with them, and you trust it will happen for you. I don't trust that it will happen for me. Simply because it never has. A part of me believes that I'm unfu*kable. I can't imagine actually being desired by a woman.

SomeDude,

This is negative thinking. Don't get to thinking those thoughts.

If a guy like me who was unlucky at love through much of my 20s could find someone, you can too.

I expect rejection and I'd just be wasting my time and energy.

....

The only way to do it is trial and error, and it gets tiring.

It is trial and error.

Just like trying to get a job. The more co's you visit, the more letters of application you send, the better chances you'll land a job.

 

I don't know how I can date a lot of women.

To get that great relationship, you gotta get into dating. REGULAR dating.

Not necessarily dating the same woman, but having AT LEAST ONE DATE every weekend (or try to).

 

The reason you need to keep asking women out and going out with them: the more practice you'll have at dating and the closer you'll get to having a fulfilling relationship.

 

 

To meet women, you got to show confidence and start asking women out.

Just start asking. Don't worry too much about getting rejected. Just ask women out. This way, it will feel more natural and you will likely be less "scared" to ask girls out.

 

It's like doing something you're afraid to do (diving off the high board). The more you do it, the more comfortable you'll be.

 

May address your other points you made to Dust, but want to repost this I posted to another single, virgin male but think it can apply to you (and maybe help others).

 

At 26-27, I got fed-up with being timid and decided I gotta start asking women out.

 

Just "cold-called" on a woman I spotted sitting in the chairs between summer night classes at grad school.

"Here's my chance," I thought. "Gotta take it..." as I approached the high diving board...

 

Got to talking with her.

What field is she studying?

Why?

How difficult are the classes? etc.

 

Wasn't in sales so being forward can be a little intimidating.

Just simple conversation like that.

 

 

Or... if she was reading a book, ask her about the book. What's it about? Enjoy it? Like reading? What do you like most to read? etc.

 

Next thing you know, lined up a dinner date with her the next weekend and snagged a relationship that lasted 1.5 years before she ended it all.... but that's another story and am glad it didn't work out as my REAL love was just around the corner....

 

Though I had dated, hadn't really done anything so "brazen" as the "cold calls" before (or had just started asking out women I just met) but getting lonely and realizing I couldn't just "expect" love to find me without some work, became a little more daring or forward... and decided I needed to do some things to find a relationship....

 

You can read online those "pick up" lines or strategies from pick-up artists, but I wasn't ever a "player" and don't necessarily think much of that advice is so great... though you can likely gain some good tips....

 

 

Methinks it all involves good conversation and not just immediately launching into "Do you wanna go out with me?"

 

Engage in some good conversation to get her "comfortable" with you first then suggest some activity.

 

Say she tells you she likes art. Tell her you read a certain art genre is on display at this museum, or if she likes a certain type of music or academic field, you know about this concert or lecture that is scheduled... and would like to invite her to enjoy it with you after dinner or something...

 

Try to build some rapport and see if there's interest through the small talk that maybe can develop into something deeper.

When it comes to women. I have no reason to be confident. I have accomplished nothing.

You can ACT confident, even if you don't feel so confident.

Not smug nor arrogant or "putting on a show." Just act like you're happy with your life and don't let little things and rejection get to you.

 

 

How do you not take it personally? They are rejecting me. The only thing I've ever known from girls is rejection. That tells me that something is wrong with me. The issue can't be that something is wrong with all of them, I am the only constant.

This isn't accurate.

A woman saying no to your invitation doesn't necessarily mean there's something wrong with you. How could she think something's wrong if she hardly knows you?

 

She may have just gotten out of a bad relationship, may be in a bad mood, having a bad hair day, lost her job, a friend could have died, she may have failed a class or any number of things.

Her saying no may have little to do with you personally.

[somedude81]

SomeDude,

This is negative thinking. Don't get to thinking those thoughts.

If a guy like me who was unlucky at love through much of my 20s could find someone, you can too.

No, I'm turning 30 in one month. I've been unlucky at love all throughout my 20's. Who's to say it won't happen through my 30's and 40's?

To get that great relationship, you gotta get into dating. REGULAR dating.

Not necessarily dating the same woman, but having AT LEAST ONE DATE every weekend (or try to).

How the hell do I do that?

 

Do you have any idea how impossible that sounds?

 

To meet women, you got to show confidence and start asking women out.

Just start asking. Don't worry too much about getting rejected. Just ask women out. This way, it will feel more natural and you will likely be less "scared" to ask girls out.

How should I ask out and where should I meet them?

 

Methinks it all involves good conversation and not just immediately launching into "Do you wanna go out with me?"

Engage in some good conversation to get her "comfortable" with you first then suggest some activity.

Are you saying I should ask somebody out after having one conversation?

 

You can ACT confident, even if you don't feel so confident.

It's impossible to act confident. Either one is or they aren't.

 

This isn't accurate.

A woman saying no to your invitation doesn't necessarily mean there's something wrong with you. How could she think something's wrong if she hardly knows you?

 

She may have just gotten out of a bad relationship, may be in a bad mood, having a bad hair day, lost her job, a friend could have died, she may have failed a class or any number of things.

Her saying no may have little to do with you personally.

When all I've known is rejection, a woman reasons for why she doesn't way to date me, seem to be nothing more than lies to make me feel better.

 

The fact of the matter is, the most common reason for why a girl rejects me, is because she's not attracted to me. There is no point in trying to deny it.

[Floridaman]

No, I'm turning 30 in one month.

I've been unlucky at love all throughout my 20's. Who's to say it won't happen through my 30's and 40's?

Somedude,

I was the same way, though I had 2 LTRs in my late 20s including a NEAR-fiance at 26 ( that 30 y.o. virgin I've posted about) -- both broke it off -- I still wasn't good at relationships.

Yet I didn't get negative about my sorry state nor wear a chip on my shoulder.

 

I just kind of "settled in" to my life.

Thought at the time that I may not find a woman. I may remain single through my 30s.

Those were scary thoughts, to be sure, but really, I didn't have much control over things.

Have an aunt who no guy ever asked to marry, so didn't want to end up like her.

 

Women seemed repelled by me, though I was told I was good looking, even into my late 40s.

 

Went on dates, but never had much success or second or third dates.

 

Got to the point to where I "expected down..."

That is, I didn't have all these high expectations so I wouldn't get crushed if this next relationship ended.

Didn't want to "get my hopes up" and looked upon the woman I was dating at the time as just another woman in a line of women I'd date. If it didn't work with her, I'd find someone else to date.

In a way, I was "non-chalant," as dating experts recommend.

 

During my first date with my future wife, a blind date, I thought it wasn't gonna work. She didn't seem that interested in me.

Mildly disappointed at how the dinner double date was going, remember saying to myself, "I'll get through this night and find someone else..."

 

But then I got this gnawing feeling to call her a couple of weeks later and try for another date. We've been married 20 years.

To think I almost bailed on her as I assumed she wasn't "into" me.

 

That all happened sev. months after I turned 30.

 

That's why I think

-if you try to get yourself out there,

-work your friends to see if they know someone they think might be good for you to date (go on blind dates),

-do the cold-calling, etc.,

-don't judge a first date solely on your perceptions

 

..........you may end up in some dating relationships.

 

 

How the hell do I do that?

Do you have any idea how impossible that sounds?

It's been established in this thread that you're not unattractive.

So your looks have little to do with women rejecting you.

It's impossible to act confident. Either one is or they aren't.

No, just act like you're in control of your life and you have your act together.

That's the kind of confidence we're talking about.

 

Women aren't attracted to passive and timid guys, like I once was.

When all I've known is rejection, a woman reasons for why she doesn't way to date me, seem to be nothing more than lies to make me feel better.

Yes, you'll get the brush-off. And a woman may fib just to not hurt you.

Don't take it personally and let it rattle you.

 

It will be worse for you if you think this is all about you and something wrong with you. The fact is, the woman's refusal may have nothing to do with you but be more on her and what she's experiencing in her life at the moment. It also may be a matter of timing.

 

How should I ask out and where should I meet them?

Aside from cold-calling,

-meet women in classes (go to night grad school if you can. You'll likely meet women there).

-activities you're involved in, etc.

-get involved in singles groups,

-church singles groups,

If you find that one of your town's bigger churches, say Methodist, Baptist, etc., has a large singles group, get involved in that group.

When I was single, few churches had good singles groups. Maybe more have them now, not sure.

 

That's where I met that NEAR-fiance at 26.

 

You may not be really into a particular church or religion, but it won't hurt you and you may meet a woman who could go out with you. She may be shy as well, as was that NEAR-fiance.

 

 

 

The more things you do with friends like a singles group, one of them one night brings a sister, cousin or friend you can get to talking to and possibly start a relationship with.

 

At a dinner some people in my office went to one night after work, I noticed one of my female colleagues brought this woman.

So I went up to her and struck up a conversation.

That led to a 2-3 month dating relationship.

 

She seemed nice and I talked her into meeting me for dinner the next weekend.

Like all the others, she ended it but at least I had the nerve to start talking with her.

The point is, I tried and scored a date there.

 

Are you saying I should ask somebody out after having one conversation?

Yes!!!

Start getting out of your "comfort zone."

If you see a woman that interests you, like I did with that older woman I met sitting in the chairs between the classes, you can start a conversation as I related in that "cold-call."

 

Yes, I took a risk there. She could have said,

"I'm not really interested in talking with you..." or "I'm tring to study for this class..." or something and rejected me (have to be prepared for that) but it's worth the risk. I got a 1.5 yr. relationship out of that one "bold" act.

 

The key is to get yourself out in the public and make friends.

[Floridaman]

But honestly, do you really think that being a virgin is the greatest of your problems? if that was the case I am sure you'd have sought less romantic sources for sexual release (Yes, a hooker).

Agreed. Virginity isn't the problem, unless a guy's really getting up in age.

Seeking less legitimate ways to lose your virginity won't do a guy any good and may make him feel worse than before bec. it's a relationship he's desiring, not simply sex. Yes, been there, done that at 25-26 during the loneliest and most isoalting time of my life (25-29).

 

PS- I am 26, not religious, and I wish I was a virgin.

Why do you fee that way, if we can ask?

[antinko]

25 past prime?! Crikey, why is everyone my age saying this?!

 

I'm 25 years old and I didn't lose my virginity until I was 21. I was panicking at the time, but the truth is that it's not a race.

 

A poster above is correct: girls can sense lack of confidence etc. a mile off and they also know if you're just after sex so don't try that one either.

 

I'm no Casanova (close, but not quite j/k), but I simply learned a lot through experience. Just try things and, most importantly, be yourself.

 

Talk to girls, try and flirt (just avoid cliche pick up lines - be real basically), be interested in them etc. They are human beings and trust me, a lot of the time they're just as nervous, or more so than you.

 

As for being an ancient 25 year old, here are some things to think about:

 

- 30 is apparently the new 20, so basically you're 15

- Despite what you think and joking aside, you, -we-, are very young still

- Hold onto the belief that men mature like a fine wine

- Again, it's not a race

 

You'll be fine.

 

Trust me, I'm in a bit of an emotional slump right now too because I'm getting over being dumped by my girlfriend. I'm not even looking at other girls, but one thing I've noticed when I've spoken to them on nights out? They could sense my apathy a mile away!

 

Last night when I went out and decided to put all fears off and simply not think of the ex, I decided "what the hey?" and started talking to a range of women. I received a lot of interest, but I didn't 'pull' any of them. Just wanted to make sure girls could still like me and they did! Go and try yourself!

 

P.S

 

Don't worry about looks. Honestly, they do count for something, but it's not the main thing with women - not the women I know anyway.

Edited July 31, 2011 by antinko

[Forever Learning]

I'm no Casanova (close, but not quite j/k), but I simply learned a lot through experience. Just try things and, most importantly, be yourself.

 

Talk to girls, try and flirt (just avoid cliche pick up lines - be real basically), be interested in them etc. They are human beings and trust me, a lot of the time they're just as nervous, or more so than you.

 

As for being an ancient 25 year old, here are some things to think about:

 

- 30 is apparently the new 20, so basically you're 15

- Despite what you think and joking aside, you, -we-, are very young still

- Hold onto the belief that men mature like a fine wine

- Again, it's not a race

 

You'll be fine.

 

Last night when I went out and decided to put all fears off and simply not think of the ex, I decided "what the hey?" and started talking to a range of women. I received a lot of interest, but I didn't 'pull' any of them. Just wanted to make sure girls could still like me and they did! Go and try yourself!

 

P.S

 

Don't worry about looks. Honestly, they do count for something, but it's not the main thing with women - not the women I know anyway.

 

Great advice! Just take baby steps every day to increase your comfort level when talking to women. Eventually you will get to the point where you will click with one and take it to the next level. Whatever you do, don't become a hermit - you have to get out there every day to develop social confidence a little bit every day. Cheers!

[Floridaman]

Floridaman, I think you missed my point.

 

I'm not really motivated by sex. I want a girlfriend. A companion. Of course sex is a part of that but not the whole deal.

 

Okay. A misunderstanding.

But you did post this, which led me to believe it was sex you're after (first).

I don't even know what my motivation should be anymore. I am trying to get a girlfriend, but every girl I have considered for that role has rejected me. I feel like I'm wasting too much time and energy actually getting to know a girl first if she's going to reject me anyways, no matter what I do.

 

Should I be asking out girls just because they are pretty and I might want to have sex with them? How soon should I ask out somebody after I meet her? And how do I get over the multitudes of rejections that's going to give me?

For other guys in similar boats, you can likely get great sex with a great relationship. So as SomeDude posted, it's best to focus on landing a GF.

 

I know you're not a virgin but oddly, you've never had a relationship.

That can be changed.

 

Try to do some of the things I and Dust and others have recommended. Visit the thread I recommended.

 

If you get out of your "comfort zone" and start meeting more women, these things could happen:

 

Within 6 mos.-1 year,

-you'll be dating many women

 

Within 2-4 years, you could be

-in a serious relationship

-engaged

Edited August 2, 2011 by Floridaman

[somedude81]

Okay. A misunderstanding.

But you did post this, which led me to believe it was sex you're after (first).

I posted that because from what I gather, wanting sex is the reason most men ask out girls. I'm just not driven that way.

Try to do some of the things I and Dust and others have recommended. Visit the thread I recommended.

 

If you get out of your "comfort zone" and start meeting more women, these things could happen:

 

Within 6 mos.-1 year,

-you'll be dating many women

 

Within 2-4 years, you could be

-in a serious relationship

-engaged

Meeting women is not my issue. I meet tons of women all the time, especially at college. The problem is getting them to go out with me.

 

I also lose my motivation to ask out girls very quickly. After a few no's, I start to feel like a pile of crap. That's also partly why I don't like asking out girls soon after I meet them.

 

What thread did you recommend?

[Floridaman]

I posted that because from what I gather, wanting sex is the reason most men ask out girls. I'm just not driven that way.

Meeting women is not my issue. I meet tons of women all the time, especially at college. The problem is getting them to go out with me.

Okay. That makes it clearer.

You need to learn some conversation skills.

 

Strike up some conversation and really listen to what they have to say. Add onto whatever they're talking about by presenting your views/ experience, etc.

 

We can go more into this later.

I also lose my motivation to ask out girls very quickly.

After a few no's, I start to feel like a pile of crap. That's also partly why I don't like asking out girls soon after I meet them.

It can be disheartening.

It's never easy but don't let rejections get you down.

 

Just like in a job search. So one co. says no. Is that gonna stop you from looking?

Keep pluggin' away. Soon, you may find a better co./girl that says yes or at least shows some interest.

 

What thread did you recommend?

Posted it earlier. You've posted in the thread before.

 

Please post that and read some of the other advice given in this thread I started,

For those who can't get dates in their late 20s, 30s and 40s

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t269779/

 

Started a similar thread on another board. It's garnered some diff. responses. Read that too.

http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=375761

 

Understand whatever I and others say in threads like these won't be a cure-all, but could give you some ideas on conversation, how to close the deal, etc.

The link to that thread was for your benefit as well as others.

 

Had few friends, no close friends and didn't have anyone to hold my hand and give me the confidence I needed in my 20s (nor internet discussion boards - believe me, I would have used those), so make use of the good advice you can get from those who've been in your shoes.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=3545148&postcount=75

So trust me, for you "inexperienced" virgin men in your late 20s, 30s and 40s reading this --- I know some of you have never even kissed a girl --- you guys I try to advise in some of the threads on how to get yourself out there and get dates.......

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH !!!

 

That above link is kind of a rant, but gives an update on my situation -- and what I went through in my late 20s...

[fortyninethousand322]

I posted that because from what I gather, wanting sex is the reason most men ask out girls. I'm just not driven that way.

Meeting women is not my issue. I meet tons of women all the time, especially at college. The problem is getting them to go out with me.

 

I pretty much agree, except I do have a problem meeting women, at least single ones. Sex is sort of the icing on the cake so to speak.

 

I also lose my motivation to ask out girls very quickly. After a few no's, I start to feel like a pile of crap. That's also partly why I don't like asking out girls soon after I meet them.

 

Yup. Each time things don't work out you begin to doubt yourself a little more. It's like why would this girl say yes when all the other ones weren't interested? Online dating, the thing that was supposed to be a cure all has been a massive failure for me.

[somedude81]

Okay. That makes it clearer.

You need to learn some conversation skills.

 

Strike up some conversation and really listen to what they have to say. Add onto whatever they're talking about by presenting your views/ experience, etc.

Eh, I don't really have issues with conversation either.

 

My problem has always been with flirting and expressing interest.

 

It can be disheartening.

It's never easy but don't let rejections get you down.

 

Just like in a job search. So one co. says no. Is that gonna stop you from looking?

Keep pluggin' away. Soon, you may find a better co./girl that says yes or at least shows some interest.

That's what really bugs me, there has to more to it, then keep trying over and over and over and over...

 

I'll check out the other threads.

 

fortyninethousand322, I keep hearing how online dating doesn't work at all for most men. It's far from being a cure-all.

[Floridaman]

Take a listen to this early rock and roll song from 1958.

Over and Over by Bobby Day .

This is the original version. For you that know your rock and roll history, the Dave Clarke Five recorded the song in '65...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJ6jywQX1zk

 

Though he met what he thought was the girl of his dreams at this dance, "everybody there went stag,"...

 

".... I said woncha' come over and talk with me, and be my girl..."

 

She told him "she was sorry as he was a little bit late..."

"...she would wait and wait and wait and a wait for her steady date..."

 

Listen particularly at 1:46.

 

 

See?

The singer didn't give up (on asking women out) and "tried over and over and over again...."

 

"But I'll try over and over and over, and over again...."

 

 

 

That's the thinkin'.

Edited August 4, 2011 by Floridaman

[somedude81]

My biggest issue is that out of meeting a lot of women, there's only a few that I feel compatible with. And it takes some time for me to feel that I know somebody well enough to ask her out.

 

As I said before, I'm not looking just for sex. If I was, I'd ask out every pretty girl I saw.

 

Basically I want to see if a girl is "girlfriend material" first. But the problem happens when those girls reject me. It makes me feel that I did something wrong or that there actually is something wrong with me.

 

Then the thought of keep trying over and over till it works is not appealing at all. I'm so tired of getting turned down by girls I like. I guess the alternative is to ask out girls I don't like. But if I'm not looking for sex, why should I even ask them out?

 

Ugh, this crap just gives me a headache.

[Floridaman]

Yeah, I know it was just a song, but hearing that, made me think of some of your situations. Thought it might help.

Ugh, this crap just gives me a headache.

We understand and "get" where you're at.

Like I have posted, I was a lot like you in that...

My biggest issue is that out of meeting a lot of women, there's only a few that I feel compatible with. And it takes some time for me to feel that I know somebody well enough to ask her out.

 

As I said before, I'm not looking just for sex. If I was, I'd ask out every pretty girl I saw.

That's a good motivation, looking for the relationship first as you can likely get BOTH love AND sex.

Basically I want to see if a girl is "girlfriend material" first. But the problem happens when those girls reject me.

It makes me feel that I did something wrong or that there actually is something wrong with me.

No, you haven't done anything wrong. It may be more on her, something involving her life, wants and needs and likely has little if anything to do with you.

Then the thought of keep trying over and over till it works is not appealing at all.

What other options do you have?

 

I didn't like the dating scene either (dating sucks and you can easily get frustrated and down on yourself), but you're a little late at this somedude.

So was I at 25-26. I had dates but wasn't necessarily successful in relationships until I met my love in my 30s.... so there's hope for you in timing.

 

 

I'm so tired of getting turned down by girls I like. I guess the alternative is to ask out girls I don't like.

That could be an idea.

You don't have to marry or date any of them for a long time, but you could form relationships that way if you get to dating them...

 

Plus, a guy's perception of a woman he sees at a party or event, it's limited by the visual information. He only sees her body.... not her mind.

He knows little about her personality, her heart, if she might care for and fall in love with him, etc.

 

Try to think long-term...

If you start casual dating, you may meet one of your date's friends or sisters down the road who might be a better romantic fit for you....

That kind of thing does happen and the other should understand, esp. if you're not emotionally close yet.

Just don't break an engagement for a new girl you meet.

 

Same way if you get more involved with your male friends. You could meet a woman in one of those activities, like going to a ballgame, etc.

 

That's one of the benefits of dating many people, it widens your pool of social connection and you get to meet others.

 

Ask all kinds of girls out. It could increase your success rate.

Edited August 4, 2011 by Floridaman
split off info into new post...

[Floridaman]

Remember that cold-calling ep. I described earlier where I initiated conversation with this woman I saw sitting in the hallway in night grad school classes I met at 27....?

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=3537307&postcount=104

It landed me a long term dating relationship.

 

Yes, she broke it off and wasn't really the one for me, but I got lots of kissing and near-sex experience ...

....She wanted to wait -- as a man of faith, I did too but had all these sexual urges I wanted fulfilled. At 27-28 (she was in her 30s), I was hungry...

Thankfully, she let me do nearly everything except you know what.....

More than that, I wanted a woman I could marry so respected her for her stance (she wasn't a virgin, but only had 2-3 sexual encounters.)

 

Found one -- a woman a few yrs. older than me -- as hungry as I and willing to give me the main course after I hit 30...

See why going for women 2-5 yrs. older than you might be a good idea ??

 

 

If I hadn't been so forward in introducing myself to her, I'd likely be out looking for women to date even longer.

 

 

Friend of a friend: meet your future fiance

A couple of years later, I met my future wife through an acquaintance of that woman I dated for 1.5 years...

Knew this other woman through me and my date meeting her at a function and she and I would later work with each other in the same field.

 

Though this other woman and I weren't close friends, she knew enough about me to think I was a decent guy to date one of her friends.....

 

Over a business lunch, I told her -- just blurted out -- how frustrated I was dating women in this small town.

She asked me if I'd be interested in meeting her friend. OF COURSE !!!!

 

That blind date she set up turned into a long term relationship that's still going....

 

 

See how having a bigger social network can help you?

 

 

(Split this off from the prev. post as that post was getting long.)

Edited August 4, 2011 by Floridaman

[Floridaman]

As for hookers...well that's not really an option for me. Don't know how to get one, not crazy about blowing cash on a girl to pretend to like me, and I don't like the idea of becoming part of something that is vilified and illegal.

Good point. Hookers are never a good idea.

Far better to find ways to lose your virginity in a relationship and with a woman you love.

 

Not sayin' I always loved the woman I had sex with (only had 2 sep. casual encounters from 19-30), but casual sex -- hooker or not -- is usually an "in and out" thing that's over far too early and not really that enjoyable.

[AKollegeGuy]

Well I'm 26 now. I was dreading my birthday because I was basically the same person I was a year ago and a year before that. Sexless, miserable, and alone. Now I've added panicky to the roster. My councilor said that I have an anxiety problem, mostly about anticipation of things, like waiting for a phone call or meeting a friend at a certain time. He's trying to help me find ways to calm myself but its a work in progress.

 

My anxiety is getting bad though, making me wonder if I can overcome this. How can I battle my negative thoughts and anxiety when it pops out of nowhere? I'm afraid I'm becoming misogynistic as I see women who chase after guys who treat them like crap as morons and who waive off the nice quiet guys as 'just friends' as pure curelty. I know that these thoughts are wrong and I know that women make mistakes as much as the next guy.

 

Why do I cling to this type of thinking? I noticed that somepeople who posted here are just as cynical or more so than I and its kind of disheartening to know that there are others out there going through the same thing. Why do we embrace such destructive and contempt thinking?

[UpDownAllAround]

Hey guess what?

 

I'm a 31 yo guy (32 in October) with no relationship with a girl to my name. No kissing. No holding hands. Yet everyone I know is in a relationship, has had multiple relationships, or they're getting married. Do you know how humiliating that feels when everyone else can seemingly snap their fingers and get a date? :mad: :mad:

 

I've tried and failed numerous times. I've been myself. I've been the bad boy. I've been the "nice guy". I even lost 100 lbs. six years ago and got down to 190 on a 5'10" frame. Nothing ever works. Never did get that relationship (aren't you supposed to have girls flock to you when you lose 100 lbs. and look great????) so I'm back to where I was before. So I sure as hell feel gypped.

 

Try doing all that and still not have that relationship to your name. It's insanity. And it's bs. With all the effort I put in I should have had that very first relationship in my life by now.

Edited August 24, 2011 by UpDownAllAround

[Dust]

Well I'm 26 now. I was dreading my birthday because I was basically the same person I was a year ago and a year before that. Sexless, miserable, and alone. Now I've added panicky to the roster. My councilor said that I have an anxiety problem, mostly about anticipation of things, like waiting for a phone call or meeting a friend at a certain time. He's trying to help me find ways to calm myself but its a work in progress.

 

My anxiety is getting bad though, making me wonder if I can overcome this. How can I battle my negative thoughts and anxiety when it pops out of nowhere? I'm afraid I'm becoming misogynistic as I see women who chase after guys who treat them like crap as morons and who waive off the nice quiet guys as 'just friends' as pure curelty. I know that these thoughts are wrong and I know that women make mistakes as much as the next guy.

 

Why do I cling to this type of thinking? I noticed that somepeople who posted here are just as cynical or more so than I and its kind of disheartening to know that there are others out there going through the same thing. Why do we embrace such destructive and contempt thinking?

 

I would find a good martial arts school and involve yourself at least a few times a week. Maybe Judo or Karate? What ever seems fun. Getting in shape, learning discipline, meditation, and respect for yourself and others would benefit you greatly.

 

If you change your attitude your problem will be gone. I don’t know why you cause yourself so much stress over this issue but I’ve been there done that and there is a better way to live. Also once you stop worrying about this stuff and just do what you need to do you get girls.

 

Hey guess what?

 

I'm a 31 yo guy (32 in October) with no relationship with a girl to my name. No kissing. No holding hands. Yet everyone I know is in a relationship, has had multiple relationships, or they're getting married. Do you know how humiliating that feels when everyone else can seemingly snap their fingers and get a date? :mad: :mad:

 

I've tried and failed numerous times. I've been myself. I've been the bad boy. I've been the "nice guy". I even lost 100 lbs. six years ago and got down to 190 on a 5'10" frame. Nothing ever works. Never did get that relationship (aren't you supposed to have girls flock to you when you lose 100 lbs. and look great????) so I'm back to where I was before. So I sure as hell feel gypped.

 

Try doing all that and still not have that relationship to your name. It's insanity. And it's bs. With all the effort I put in I should have had that very first relationship in my life by now.

 

 

I would find a good martial arts school and involve yourself at least a few times a week. Maybe Judo or Karate? What ever seems fun. Getting in shape, learning discipline, meditation, and respect for yourself and others would benefit you greatly.

 

If you change your attitude your problem will be gone. I don’t know why you cause yourself so much stress over this issue but I’ve been there done that and there is a better way to live. Also once you stop worrying about this stuff and just do what you need to do you get girls.

[madjac74]

Also once you stop worrying about this stuff and just do what you need to do you get girls.

 

I have to agree with this statement immensely. Your desperation will show and it is not an attractive quality in a person, no matter how you look physically. Just loosen up and don't treat every girl like a potential mate because you already put too much expectation on something that could at least turn out to be a good friendship. Learn to be comfortable with yourself and the fact that you don't need someone else to make you happy...the girls will flock to that attitude.

[Floridaman]

Just loosen up and don't treat every girl like a potential mate because you already put too much expectation on something that could at least turn out to be a good friendship.

Brilliant.

Many men, myself included, have made that mistake.

 

The women I was dating @ 28-30.... Didn't build-up expectations with each date.

Sure, this one could be nice and it might work out, but if it didn't, no biggie.

There are other women.

 

Plus, no evidence to suggest this woman I was then dating would be any diff. than the others -- and decline further dates.

 

So I dated with "my expectations down" and was slowly "resigning" myself to being single for a long time (no, that's not what I wanted, but it could be reality).

Methinks that attitude saved me some frustration and kept me from getting my heart broken -- again.

 

Turned out, the last woman I dated shortly after turning 30, she wanted the same things I wanted and saw something in me the others didn't....

 

Learn to be comfortable with yourself and the fact that you don't need someone else to make you happy...the girls will flock to that attitude.

So please, don't go in with high expectations. Act comfortable with yourself and your life and others... It works much better that way and women will like the vibes you put out...

Edited August 24, 2011 by Floridaman

[madjac74]

 

So I dated with "my expectations down" and was slowly "resigning" myself to being single for a long time (no, that's not what I wanted, but it could be reality).

Methinks that attitude saved me some frustration and kept me from getting my heart broken -- again.

 

 

On that note, I got to a point after a divorce and a failed relationship and a few dates that turned into friendships that it was OK to be single and meet new people and go out with different girls everynight (I got a bit of a player reputation but I really wasn't. I still wanted "the one")

 

Well I met someone on a dating site and went on a date with zero expectations and it was totally just a night out as far as I was concerned with my new attitude. I ended up having the most amazing, comfortable night with her and I am still madly in love with her over 2 years later

[AKollegeGuy]

I gotta say something that I've been noticing here that people tell me I shouldn't force myself to find girls and just go at life without care about it, but up until now that's how I was at life, just randomly talking to girls without pushing anything and that's gotten me nowhere.

 

When I have conquered my anxiety and fear I want to be able to get out there and have a love/sex life, but it seems that I need to change something or try something new about how I approach women because just casually talking to women is not working.