Did my girlfriend cheat?

[teardrop86]

I'm going to pick her up at the airport. I am a man of my word.

[michaelhopes]

Good man....Pick her up and keep your word

Realize that there is a lot of pain here trying to give you wisdom.....

Even if it isnt worded so well.......

[Lovegood]

We know that she LIED about looking it up the night after partying all night and she bought it the next day... We know enough to know what happened. We KNOW she cheated and we KNOW she was worried about becoming pregnant. We also know that the OP doesnt want to accept this.

 

If YOU dont like my posts you can put me on ignore... forthwith.

 

I think you are a little too hasty, my friend. We don't KNOW anything.

[that girl]

First of all, if you read her Visa account statement for a transaction that happened on Dec 7th, this statement would have come to her home fairly recently. As in, you opened her private mail/logged into her private banking account to get this information. WTF dude? That goes beyond snooping.

I'm thinking this is a troll post.

 

The bank statement already being delivered seems unlikely, but now it was just laying on the floor opened? Which means it had to have been there for awhile, since this girl has been out of the country for days.

 

You may wish to consider setting up a polygraph test for her to take. It costs about $400 to $500. The reaction to this request may tell you a great deal. If she freaks out then it will tell you something. If she is enthusiastic to take it then it will also tell you something. Be clear that this issue is a deal breaker for you and that you cannot have a positive healthy relationship without feeling confident that you have all of the truth. Her lies have left you conflicted. Many times when it comes close to actually taking the test the cheater will confess beforehand. I wish you luck.

This is psycotic. I would break up with someone before I would take a lie detector test.

[Chi townD]

Well, I feel for the OP. We all know what it's like to be cheated on, or else this site wouldn't exist. And we all know that "gut" feeling when somethings not right. With that, people have been spot on with their "gut" with less evidence than this guy has.

 

A polygraph is not unheard of, but I've only seen it being used in marriages. The person sets up the test and the accused is fine with it. Until the day of the exam, and the truth usually comes out. Hell, I read an instance were a guy was sitting in the car and turning the key to go to the test and then his wife blurted out the truth. So, it does work.

 

I've seen this site help out so many people find the truth in their relationship and help people that are hurting or coping or just trying to make their relationships better. I suggest that we focus on that as a community. This guy came here for help. He's sad, angry, confused, fearful and in some pain. So, lets help him out the best that we can. We may not agree on everything, but the OP is gonna take the advice that would best fit his situation. So, lets stop fighting and get back to helping please.

[Lovegood]

I'm thinking this is a troll post.

 

The bank statement already being delivered seems unlikely, but now it was just laying on the floor opened? Which means it had to have been there for awhile, since this girl has been out of the country for days.

 

 

This is psycotic. I would break up with someone before I would take a lie detector test.

 

That is the problem that I had with it too. It just doesn't add up.

 

In the case that this isn't a troll post, OP, I wish you all the best. And you should really talk to her sooner rather than later. I know you want to talk about it face to face, but the ideas will fester in your head between now and then and you will automatically go into it with a negative view point.

[Lovegood]

A polygraph is not unheard of, but I've only seen it being used in marriages. The person sets up the test and the accused is fine with it. Until the day of the exam, and the truth usually comes out. Hell, I read an instance were a guy was sitting in the car and turning the key to go to the test and then his wife blurted out the truth. So, it does work.

 

 

I'm not saying that the polygraph test wouldn't work. But this is life, it isn't the Maury show. I tend to agree with the person that said if you have to ask for one, your relationship is pretty much over anyways.

[Chi townD]

and that's why I stated that I've only seen it done with married people, there's a little bit more invested with that than with someone dating.

 

Most people wouldn't dump 400 to 500 buck to see if their girlfriends or boyfriends are cheating. They'd just move on.

[teardrop86]

I'm not doing the lie detector test. I know my girlfriend well enough to know if she's being truthful or not. I'm going to be calm, collected, and curious. Everyone that knows her and knows me seems to believe that she wouldn't do this to me. I think that the skeletons in my closet are pulling my mind towards the negative thoughts. I need to be as neutral as possible until I've heard her explanation.

 

When I talk to her, I am going to sit right next to her, look her in the eyes, and hold her hand, and hope for the best. I am not going to break it off with her on Saturday unless she admits that she cheated. People seem to think that if I'm too aggressive that I may end up regretting it.

 

My best friend in the entire world says that I need to use soft language (phrasing questions with words like: wonder, concern, worry) instead of going on the offensive and using words like: (lie, cheat, suspicion).

[USCGAviator]

Well good luck to you. Be sure to show her all the evidence that you told us you have and the lie you caught her in.

 

Read and watch her body language close and you present the evidence. Its not just about being cool and calm be sure to ask tactful questions that require explanation.

 

Assuming for a second that she has betrayed you, she has gone over her story many times to cover all her tracks. Don't let her derail you and READ the body language!!

[teardrop86]

Well good luck to you. Be sure to show her all the evidence that you told us you have and the lie you caught her in.

 

Read and watch her body language close and you present the evidence. Its not just about being cool and calm be sure to ask tactful questions that require explanation.

 

Assuming for a second that she has betrayed you, she has gone over her story many times to cover all her tracks. Don't let her derail you and READ the body language!!

 

What sort of things should I be looking for? I know that if I get close to her and hold her hand, if she tries to move away or put some distance between us, that it shows that she's uncomfortable. What about eye contact? Posture? Where she places her hands? Tone of voice? If she's fidgets or stutters?

 

Anything else would be a great help. Thank you.

Edited December 30, 2010 by teardrop86

[FryFish]

At this point it doesnt really matter... There is no way in the world she will fail to convince you that she bought it for a friend.

[teardrop86]

At this point it doesnt really matter... There is no way in the world she will fail to convince you that she bought it for a friend.

 

It does matter to me, if you aren't going to contribute anything positive to my question then please don't confuse me further.

 

edit: I'm not going to take a one-dimensional approach to this situation any longer. I reserve the right to hear her story before I pass judgment, because for all I know this is all speculation until I hear it from her mouth.

Edited December 30, 2010 by teardrop86

[Bryanp]

You may wish to look at this article. It discusses how various facial expressions will give away a liar.

 

http://www.blifaloo.com/info/lies.php

 

Good luck

[teardrop86]

Thank you.

 

Also, FryFish, how do we know that my girlfriend's drink wasn't spiked with something. This is a possibility that cannot be ruled out.

Edited December 30, 2010 by teardrop86

[Chi townD]

Ummm...okay, answering in a higher pitch in their voice. Their face and body become stiffer. Pupils dilate; however, they have a hard time looking at you. Talking with their palms downward or clutched. Untrue answers to questions are slightly delayed especially questions they didn't anticipating you asking. They breath heavier.

 

Now these are just WARNING signs that someone might be lying to you, by no means does this consititue true lies.

 

Personally, go with your gut and trust your evidence. I know there's a lot of things on here that you don't want to believe. People telling you she's not the cheating type. Hell, we all started our relationships with people we never thought were the type.

 

Do me a favor, if she did use the Plan B pill, that means she had unprotected sex. Don't have sex with her, or at least ensure that you are protected (would rather you not have sex though) she's playing with your health and life if she is lying to you.

[FryFish]

Thank you.

 

Also, FryFish, how do we know that my girlfriend's drink wasn't spiked with something. This is a possibility that cannot be ruled out.

Wow... My prediction: You will believe everything she tells you in a few days... You will MAYBE make a post here telling us how we were all wrong... Then in six months, maybe a year tops, you will be back here completely broken hearted...

[forrest]

It does matter to me, if you aren't going to contribute anything positive to my question then please don't confuse me further.

 

edit: I'm not going to take a one-dimensional approach to this situation any longer. I reserve the right to hear her story before I pass judgment, because for all I know this is all speculation until I hear it from her mouth.

 

I am behind you on this one teardrop. You should listen to her story as you know her more than anyone on here. Maybe she lied, cheated. Maybe not. Too hard to tell at this point. Could be a hundred other reasons for the events that transpired. Perhaps her friend did use the computer and stole her credit card to order the prescription? Who knows.

 

You'll likely know though after you speak with her, weather she is telling the truth or not.

[teardrop86]

I am behind you on this one teardrop. You should listen to her story as you know her more than anyone on here. Maybe she lied, cheated. Maybe not. Too hard to tell at this point. Could be a hundred other reasons for the events that transpired. Perhaps her friend did use the computer and stole her credit card to order the prescription? Who knows.

 

You'll likely know though after you speak with her, weather she is telling the truth or not.

 

Exactly, the what ifs are driving me up the wall. I just need to keep calm and collected until Saturday.

[Chi townD]

Have you thought about how you're gonna approach the subject? What questions you'll ask?

[teardrop86]

Have you thought about how you're gonna approach the subject? What questions you'll ask?

 

I have. The plan is that I'm going to pick her up at the airport on Saturday night, with a single red rose in hand. I will have dinner made for her back at her place. I will sit down with her and talk about her trip, and when dinner is done I will begin to confront her with my evidence.

 

First thing I will do is sit right next to her, hold her hand, and look into her eyes. I will tell her that I love her with all my heart, and that I'm looking for clarification on a couple of things. Then I will present my evidence to her in a calm and concerned, and loving manner. I will say that there has never been any reason to be worried about our relationship until the discovery of the Plan B search. I will also say that my concern was dispelled when we talked about the search on the phone while she was away. Then I will proceed to talk about finding her Visa bill on the floor in plain sight. I will say that I didn't intend to look at it but once I saw that the dates and the store that the charge was from were so coincidental, I became worried/concerned. Then I will say that my concern got the better of me and I ended up going over to the store to see what the price of Plan B was with tax. Then I will say that the price matches to the exact penny, and it was bought the day after the internet search was done, then I began to wonder what was going on. Then finally I will calmly ask her what is truthfully going on. Then I will proceed to let her do the talking, carefully taking note of her body language and maintaining eye contact with her as she provides me with her side of the story.

 

That's about as far as I've gotten. I want her to do most of the talking, because after all, she's the one who owes me the explanation.

[teardrop86]

I don't want to be that aggressive in my approach. I was advised against it by everyone that I've asked.

[teardrop86]

You don't have to be aggressive to come across that this topic is very important to you. You can be firm, and distant. Showering her with roses and dinner is already conceding that you are accepting what she did w/o her even explaining. You need to step back and think about the veracity of the situation.

 

I understand where you're coming from. I'm just not in tune with my emotions right now, I should be pissed off, but I'm confused and scared. Scared that I have to even go through with this, the whole notion of this situation is making my head spin constantly.

[USCGAviator]

she lied to you, why are you rewarding her with a rose and dinner ? Please don't be a doormat. Don't hold her hand, don't kiss her ass, and don't empower her. Let me tell you somethings. Skilled liars can lie right to your face and you will believe it like it is gospel. Since you asked, and i am in the profession of law enforcement. Here is what to look for. I don't advise your approach, dinner, a rose, holding her hand, your almost rewarding her, remember, she lied. People who are being deceptive figit, their eyes wander, they move around alot, change the subject, display whats called haptics, they talk with their hands, she might turn this all around on you, she might display gaslighting and make it seem like you are not the victim. Pick her up at the airport, bring her home, hand her the visa bill, ask her calmy to explain, none of this cutesy mullarky. This is something serious if she did cheat, she put your health at risk.

 

.........this

[Lovegood]

You condone cheating, your opinions here in my eyes are worthless. No one deserves to be cheated on. Especially not this young man. There is nothing manipulative about this. He wants to know the truth, something he is entitled to know especially if his health is at risk, ex: STDS. If he he sounds like a psychopath what do you consider his girlfriend ? Oh wait let me answer that it seems you come from the same mold.

 

Unfortunately I cannot comment on the type of person that his girlfriend is. I don’t know her, but according him she is generally a stand up person. In terms of the manipulation, I was talking more about the OP speaking to his girlfriend’s employer about the matter and potentially causing her to lose her job.

 

Do I condone cheating? Not really. Have I ever done so? No, I’ve been in a stable, healthy relationship for a long time now. However, I do believe that things are not always so black and white.

 

OP has every right to ask questions and receive answers; it just bothered me that he jumped to so many conclusions. I still have trouble believing the whole “I found her Visa statement conveniently laying on the ground” thing, but that’s just me.

 

I see a lot of red flags that make me question the OP, perhaps I was a bit harsh with the psychopath thing and for that I apologize, but I still believe that something is not quite right in this whole equation.