I'm pretty sure there are only like five "desirable" guys where I live...

[SadandConfusedWA]

She scored at 99th percentile on her IQ test.

[Star Gazer]

I don't argue with the fact that I'm self-absorbed....

 

You don't??

[shadowplay]

You don't??

 

No...? I think I'm pretty self aware.

[Star Gazer]

No...? I think I'm pretty self aware.

 

Do you think men like that quality in women?

[shadowplay]

Do you think men like that quality in women?

 

honestly, i think a lot don't care. also the guys i'm attracted to tend to be a bit self absorbed themselves, for better or worse.

[Star Gazer]

Yeah, but I'm sure they'd flop in real life. Because it would be mean towards one of the two, I won't get into why.

 

No, please do. Quit the secretive insults.

[Star Gazer]

honestly, i think a lot don't care. also the guys i'm attracted to tend to be a bit self absorbed themselves, for better or worse.

 

Do you think two self-absorbed people can have a healthy relationship with each other?

[shadowplay]

No, please do. Quit the secretive insults.

 

No, because then I'd get an infraction.

 

Let's put it this way. In terms of your personality, I think you could be nicer and less underhanded. I don't have anything bad to say about USM. He's a sweetie.

[Star Gazer]

No, because then I'd get an infraction.

 

Let's put it this way. In terms of your personality, I think you could be nicer and less underhanded. I don't have anything bad to say about USM. He's a sweetie.

 

Underhanded? I'm always very direct and honest with you, Shadow...sometimes to a fault. On the other hand, haven't your comments towards me and my relationship with Hokie in this thread been exactly what you accuse me of? Underhanded?

 

Let me ask you this: What do you think a guy you were interested in/dating would think about you if he read this thread? And the others you've started in recent weeks? Do you think he would like what he reads? Do you think he'd like you as a person based on the opinions you express, the expectations you have, and the manner in which you communicate them?

 

Do I need to point out that my guy has read and is reading every word I write? And that I get this in response: ?

[USMCHokie]

It's called the Star effect. I was honestly extremely surprised by them getting together and had a big WTF moment,

 

Star doesn't have any "effect" on what I say or do on LS, just as she can say and do whatever she wants on LS without any crap from me. And I'm truly surprised that you'd suddenly come out and say this.

 

 

But I can admit that my functional/practical intelligence IS something that he likes most about me, and he wasn't referring to surveying the desolation wilderness...

 

Yes indeedy, amongst many other things I like about her.

 

 

Let's put it this way. In terms of your personality, I think you could be nicer and less underhanded.

 

The problem is that you present these issues and problems to us on LS, and when we offer advice or say anything that you might disagree with, you turn it around as a personal attack on you that starts the kind of mess that this thread has turned into.

 

It's not that Star isn't nice (she is quite nice), it's just that she isn't afraid to say what needs to be said or ask questions that need to be asked, even if it might make you a little butthurt. I'm the same way, and I appreciate a person who is truly trying to help even those who seem like they don't want it. I've seen Star stick with you throughout all your recent issues on LS, and all you can say is that she's not nice...?

 

 

Yeah, but I'm sure they'd flop in real life. Because it would be mean towards one of the two, I won't get into why.

 

And yea, this is crap too...

[shadowplay]

Underhanded? I'm always very direct and honest with you, Shadow...sometimes to a fault. On the other hand, haven't your comments towards me and my relationship with Hokie in this thread been exactly what you accuse me of? Underhanded?

 

Let me ask you this: What do you think a guy you were interested in/dating would think about you if he read this thread? And the others you've started in recent weeks? Do you think he would like what he reads? Do you think he'd like you as a person based on the opinions you express, the expectations you have, and the manner in which you communicate them?

 

Do I need to point out that my guy has read and is reading every word I write? And that I get this in response: ?

 

I've seen you take digs at people under the guise of giving helpful advice. I'm not going to go on a thread hunt and post links, but it's definitely a pattern. Your pattern is being nice in an attempt to gain trust and then suddenly attacking, but often in an underhanded way. I don't like it.

 

I'm sure you have sweeter qualities, but I think even you'd be happier if you tried to keep this behavior in check. I wish you were self aware enough to acknowledge it -- the way I acknowledge my own faults.

 

What I said about you and Hokie wasn't underhanded. I wasn't pretending to be helpful or anything else.

 

I'm sure he'd be turned off by my threads, but then again they only portray a thin sliver of my whole character. I'm sure most people would look pretty unappealing if they wrote down their every dirty, trivial, shallow thought. I shudder to think what that might consist of for some members of LS.

[shadowplay]

Star doesn't have any "effect" on what I say or do on LS, just as she can say and do whatever she wants on LS without any crap from me. And I'm truly surprised that you'd suddenly come out and say this.

 

 

 

 

Yes indeedy, amongst many other things I like about her.

 

 

 

 

The problem is that you present these issues and problems to us on LS, and when we offer advice or say anything that you might disagree with, you turn it around as a personal attack on you that starts the kind of mess that this thread has turned into.

 

It's not that Star isn't nice (she is quite nice), it's just that she isn't afraid to say what needs to be said or ask questions that need to be asked, even if it might make you a little butthurt. I'm the same way, and I appreciate a person who is truly trying to help even those who seem like they don't want it. I've seen Star stick with you throughout all your recent issues on LS, and all you can say is that she's not nice...?

 

 

 

 

And yea, this is crap too...

 

You know this debate is useless, right, because you like her and you're going to defend everything about her? And I don't fault you for that. I'd do the same for a friend. We'll just have to agree to disagree.

 

I like you, and I don't want to engage in an argument that is going nowhere good.

[Kamille]

You guys have got to be kidding! What is up with this thread?

 

Of course Shadow is interested in "intellectual", book-worm-ish, obscure cinema buff, conversationalist guys. Who could potentially dispute that? You might not be attracted to that particular type of intelligence yourself, but it doesn't mean Shadow is shallow for recognizing what she is looking for. And, uh, yes, Shadow does offer the same kind of intelligence she's looking for. What the hell is the big deal here?

 

The only thing I would challenge Shadow on is this: why even bother thinking about how many guys you're currently attracted to in this town? You've been there awhile and you seem to meet interesting guys at a pretty steady interval. Take it from me: stop worrying. Interesting men aren't a scarce resource.

[Star Gazer]

I've seen you take digs at people under the guise of giving helpful advice. I'm not going to go on a thread hunt and post links, but it's definitely a pattern. Your pattern is being nice in an attempt to gain trust and then suddenly attacking, but often in an underhanded way. I don't like it.

 

Do you think I'm a sociopath? Because that's literally what you're describing.

 

You're just WRONG. I'm not nice to gain trust. Give me and every other person who disagrees with you a break. I can like a person, and not like what they do. I react to the situation at hand. If something's going well, or they're making wise decisions, or improving, etc., I cheer them on. When they do or say something stupid, especially that's detrimental to them, I give them a virtual slap upside the head. When I see potential, when I see they're *so close* to having an ah-ha moment, I push them. As I did in this thread. There's no agenda.

 

I think it's really bizarre that you even think people do that, to be honest. I don't know why you see the worst in people...

 

I'm sure you have sweeter qualities, but I think even you'd be happier if you tried to keep this behavior in check. I wish you were self aware enough to acknowledge it -- the way I acknowledge my own faults.

 

First, unless Hokie and $50million lands on my lap in the next 5 seconds, I'm not sure I COULD be happier. That's the honest to G-d truth. I literally skipped down the street today.

 

Second, I hate to compare, I'm far more self-aware than you are, Shadow, and I'm CONSISTENT in my thoughts, behavior, emotions. My self-awareness is probably one of my best qualities. I'm fully aware that I can come across as b*tchy when I'm irritated and my tolerance for B.S. is dwindling. But I'm not underhanded about it - not by a long stretch.

 

I'm sure he'd be turned off by my threads, but then again they only portray a thin sliver of my whole character.

 

Same here. So stop thinking you know my whole character.

[USMCHokie]

I've seen you take digs at people under the guise of giving helpful advice. I'm not going to go on a thread hunt and post links, but it's definitely a pattern. Your pattern is being nice in an attempt to gain trust and then suddenly attacking, but often in an underhanded way. I don't like it.

 

When "being nice" isn't enough to get through to people, then giving them advice the old fashioned kick in the nuts way is the only way to do it.

 

To be honest, Star has a lot more patience on LS than I do. If my initial attempt at honest and straightforward advice (which in most cases is spot on... ) is written off for whatever blah blah blah reason, I say to hell with them and go about my day. Whatev's. But for several members who bring their issues and questions to LS every day, I always see Star continuing to help those same members, regardless of what was said in the past. Star is right, I read all her posts, and I don't see these personal attacks you're speaking of...maybe you interpret them as such because of how you see yourself, but they are merely observations based from the words you type...

[SadandConfusedWA]

I have one word for you Star: PMs. I won't go any further into that.

 

And my condolences go to UHMC.

[shadowplay]

When "being nice" isn't enough to get through to people, then giving them advice the old fashioned kick in the nuts way is the only way to do it.

 

To be honest, Star has a lot more patience on LS than I do. If my initial attempt at honest and straightforward advice (which in most cases is spot on... ) is written off for whatever blah blah blah reason, I say to hell with them and go about my day. Whatev's. But for several members who bring their issues and questions to LS every day, I always see Star continuing to help those same members, regardless of what was said in the past. Star is right, I read all her posts, and I don't see these personal attacks you're speaking of...maybe you interpret them as such because of how you see yourself, but they are merely observations based from the words you type...

 

As I said, arguing with you on this isn't going anywhere good, and I'm not interested in doing it. Please just accept I disagree, but I'm not willing to defend why because doing so would just lead to more ugliness.

[Star Gazer]

Of course Shadow is interested in "intellectual", book-worm-ish, obscure cinema buff, conversationalist guys. Who could potentially dispute that? You might not be attracted to that particular type of intelligence yourself, but it doesn't mean Shadow is shallow for recognizing what she is looking for. And, uh, yes, Shadow does offer the same kind of intelligence she's looking for.

 

I know that NOW. All I asked was what HER definition of intelligence is, to figure out if she offered what she was looking for. I wondered if "intelligence" was limited to intellectuals, or did it include more functional/practical intelligence? Because I see her caring more about "intellectuals" than people with well-rounded street smarts. Turns out my perception was accurate, as she doesn't value the latter.

 

(Although I don't think a "conversationalist" is limited to "intellectuals.")

 

So now, when she says she's looking for "intelligent" or "smart" guys, I know what she means. Because all along I kept thinking of MY definition (functional intelligence/street smarts) and thinking these guys can't be that hard to find. But I suppose intellectuals are? I dunno. I'm not really in an "intellectual" or arty city, so I can't relate to those "types."

[Scottdmw]

Statistically speaking, you're making it awfully hard on yourself. Let's do the math.

 

Top 5% intelligence

good-looking-- we'll call this upper 50%

fit-- again we'll call this 50%

above average height-- same thing 50%

ambitious—50%

common interests-- let's call this 10% of men for the sake of argument

artistic taste—20%

confident—50%

not weird—60%

 

These things may not all be statistically independent but let’s say they are. You are looking at:

 

.05*.5*.5*.5*.5*.1*.2*.5*.6==0.000019, or 0.0019% of men. Otherwise known as roughly 1 in 60,000 men. No wonder you can't find a match in a small city, there is really only one, not even five.

 

Then, there's the question of whether the man likes you. His criteria might be completely different. If they were completely different and equally picky that would mean you would only be truly compatible both ways with 1 in 4 billion men. (60,000x60,000). It's probably not quite that bleak of course, presumably some of what you are looking for is going to be the same as what the men are looking for.

 

The point here is that yes you are being way too picky. Your odds of getting anything like all this are small. The only way to avoid that is to assume massive correlation between the things you want, ie that men who have artistic taste will also likely be tall and confident etc.

 

BTW, I got near perfect on my SATs too, but that is not even one of my top 10 wishes in a woman. Sadly or not, physical attractiveness is significantly more important.

 

I used to have a long list like yours. 10 years later I'm still single, and a lot more willing to compromise. I wish that 10 years ago I had made the decision to be with one of the women who didn't meet my whole list.

 

Scott

[USMCHokie]

As I said, arguing with you on this isn't going anywhere good, and I'm not interested in doing it. Please just accept I disagree, but I'm not willing to defend why because doing so would just lead to more ugliness.

 

Fair enough. I wrote that prior to your suggestion for armistice.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Co-sign me with Shadow. My opinion on this matter is not going to change.

 

Time will tell.

 

Let's get back to the topic.

[Star Gazer]

You know this debate is useless, right, because you like her and you're going to defend everything about her? And I don't fault you for that. I'd do the same for a friend.

 

No, he wouldn't, nor should he. Blind support is NOT a sign of a true friend. A real friend is always in your corner, but speaks up and tells you when you're throwing the wrong punches. He's done just that for me before, more than once.

[welikeincrowds]

Let's get back to the topic.

 

Shadowplay: too judgmental, or worrying over nothing? More at 11.

[elaina]

Yep, this is the conclusion I've come to after scouring the social networks of my small city. This is why I'm going to stop looking for a relationship for now, because I know I probably won't meet anyone serious until I move to NY. Sure, I'll go on a date here and there for fun, but I'm not expecting to find a mate here.

 

Anyone else having trouble dating because of the limitations of living in a small town?

 

I know what you mean. I used to live in Chicago, and I absolutely LOVED the big city and the diversity, though I wasn't fond of driving there or the strong winds lol!

 

Here in Missouri where I'm living now, I do love it too. It's different, but good. The man I'm interested in though lives all the way in Canada!!! Lol. (And I'm not overly fond of cold weather.) It's not that I don't like men in Missouri or American men; I do. It's just that this man has something special about him that really attracts me, and he really likes me too.

 

I don't know what it will lead to. I'd rather not live in Canada, though I'm sure Canada is a beautiful country and the people are really cool, but man it gets FREEZING COLD there! I'd rather the Canadian guy and I move to Florida or Arizona! (Florida and Arizona are my favorite states cause they're so beautiful and WARM.) I was born in Arizona.

 

Anyways, yeah even though Missouri definitely has great men here and is a beautiful place, including where I live now with all the lovely ponds and creeks and wooded areas and land and lakes, it seems like I'm not attracted to many of the men for one reason or another. Everybody is different, and it just so happens I'm not really interested in hunting or sports or things that many men here are interested in.

Edited September 24, 2010 by elaina

[CLC2008]

Clarification. I didn't call her ugly, she herself did in another thread about wanting to do plastic surgery, no?

 

Yes you did. And frankly, some of you people are ruining my mood for date night.

 

I will end this thread, in that I think Shadow felt under attack initially, as she generally is in most of the threads she starts.

 

Like it was said in another thread, if you disagree with a thread someone creates, DON"T POST IN IT.

 

And certainly don't compliment someone, and then follow it with a back handed insult. Whether it's intentional or not, I CLEARLY see it, I've seen it for quite some time.

 

Different strokes for different folks.

 

Oh well.