Does he want to upgrade me?

[2sunny]

he said he wasn't fully ready to be exclusive with me when I'd asked him, but he agreed because he didn't want to lose me.

 

so you now know that he lies. why do you want to date a man that lies?

[USMCHokie]

You will always find something when you snoop that will make you upset. Always. If you want to find a reason to fight or break up in your relationship just snoop. It's all you need.

 

Hmmm, just so you can shift the blame to the other person...?

[shadowplay]

I'm not sure that's true.

 

The stuff I found would have enabled me to end the relationship nearly 8 months before it did.

 

seriously?? was he seeing somebody else? I don't understand why you were so generous to him in your post-breakup threads. He sounds like he was a real

[Confusedalways]

Hi, thanks for the responses. We were technically "exclusive" after 4 months, as I had brought it up and he'd agreed to it. When I went through his wallet, we were supposed to be exclusive. Also, I saw the email, as he left his laptop on his bed and his email was open (I could see the first line about drinks in gmail -- I didn't actually even click on it -- so I don't really consider this snooping).

 

I'm actually not a particularly suspicious person, but I guess I was surprised that he wasn't that enthusiastic about being exclusive with me. When we talked after I'd learned he'd gone out with that other girl, he said he wasn't fully ready to be exclusive with me when I'd asked him, but he agreed because he didn't want to lose me. I guess it was high lack of enthusiasm for being exclusive with me that made me suspicious in the first place, and motivated me to go through his wallet.

 

I legitimately do not believe this guy is using me (if only because he treats me very well - dinner 1-2x per week, helping me move furniture, bringing me cough medicine and cooking me dinner when I was sick, etc.), but his actions are certainly confusing.

 

As for the comment about going 4 months without being exclusive..from what I have seen, that is not abnormal at all in NYC. Before I moved here and was in college, dating someone for 4 months without a committment would have seemed ridiculous.

 

What? I was raised in NYC. You're making excuses.

 

I'm not sure what you're asking anymore. Clearly he's being unfaithful to you, and you're willing to excuse him for all of this because it's 'normal' in NYC? I don't understand

[Star Gazer]

Hmmm, just so you can shift the blame to the other person...?

 

Exactly right.

 

FWIW, I felt really horrible looking and admitting it, and I still cringe that I did it. But I'm glad I did. When I told him what I found (literally 5 minutes later), my ex said, "Wow, that's kinda crazy that you did that..." in a very calm voice, but it was more of a "wow, that's so unlike you to snoop" response. He wasn't angry, probably because what I found should have existed anyway, and he knew better than to blame shift.

[Sabali]

Hi, thanks for the responses. We were technically "exclusive" after 4 months, as I had brought it up and he'd agreed to it. When I went through his wallet, we were supposed to be exclusive. Also, I saw the email, as he left his laptop on his bed and his email was open (I could see the first line about drinks in gmail -- I didn't actually even click on it -- so I don't really consider this snooping)..

 

 

Oh, it's snooping, babydoll. It's snooping... It was private information and not meant for your eyes.

 

 

 

Snooping is a sign of insecurity. Really...for whatever reason. There is a much bigger picture behind it most of the time and it usually involves other undesirable behavior in a relationship which often includes relentless inquiries on what your body habitus look like in those jeans.

 

 

So you violated his privacy and he cheated on you. Does this sound like a good foundation for an exclusive relationship? No. Everything else is moot.

[AverageJoe]

Hi, thanks for the responses. We were technically "exclusive"

 

 

What the hell does technically, mean?

 

I guess it was high lack of enthusiasm for being exclusive with me that made me suspicious in the first place, and motivated me to go through his wallet.

 

 

Your logic is lost on me.

 

By the way, no one gives a rats ass you live in NYC.

[els0919]

was he always MIA on ONE of the weekend evenings? or did you two usually go out both Friday and Saturday evenings?

 

if he was only seeing you one night - then he was probably making plans with someone else on the other night each weekend...

 

this is always a red flag.

 

Thanks for this. This is ABSOLUTELY correct, and one of the main reasons I was suspicious in the first place. Since I have started dating him, I have seen him every single Friday night, but never a Saturday night. I tried to change this around once - he called me one Thursday asking me where I wanted to go to dinner on Friday, and I suggested Saturday instead as I had a birthday party in Connecticut on Friday night. He gave me what I viewed as not a great excuse - that he was going to hang out with his cousins in Brooklyn on Saturday. Now, this doesn't sound like him at all, because he likes to go out, not sit around his cousins' house on a Saturday night. Also, most importantly, why couldn't he see me really late on Saturday night (like 1am) after seeing his cousins? I suggested this, and he told me he'd probably be exhausted, but that he'd call me if he had any energy left after getting back from Brookyln (he never called me).

 

That being said, there was one Friday night when we first started dating when he tried to cancel on me last minute (at 10pm, as I was getting ready to leave my apt to meet him). I thought this was rude, and I guess just assumed that he was going out with someone else, so I told him to have fun with whatever he was doing. He was very surprised, and told me that he could meet me if I really wanted, and that he was just tired from the long work week. So I went over to his place, half expecting to find some other girl sitting on the couch, and it was just him, watching TV.

 

I realize I am forgetting, and I did see him one Saturday about a month ago - we went away for the weekend (just to the beach in Long Island), so I spent the entire weekend with him (both Friday and Saturday night).

 

Basically never seeing him on Saturday is weird, although I wouldn't expect to see a guy both weekend nights as I would prefer to go out with friends one of those nights (and assume he would too). But always seeing him on Friday seems rather routine, and like there could be another girl on Saturday. But then again, why would he go out with that other girl from the internet if he had another full-time girl in addition to me? This guy works a lot - I highly doubt he could juggle 3 full-time girls..

[USMCHokie]

By the way, no one gives a rats ass you live in NYC.

 

You might be my new best friend on LS.

 

Well, maybe third...only to Star and Nate...

[Sabali]

I'm not sure that's true.

 

The stuff I found would have enabled me to end the relationship nearly 8 months before it did.

 

 

I Don't get what you are saying. You said you are not sure that it's true yet you found something that made you upset and/or that would have "enabled" you to end the relationship. Sounds like you found something that I described above.

[Confusedalways]

I'm genuinely confused as to what this post is even asking.

 

You CAUGHT HIM MULTIPLE TIMES out with other women! What on earth is murky about this? Break up with him or settle with being #2.

 

This guy works a lot - I highly doubt he could juggle 3 full-time girls..

 

He DID JUGGLE 3 WOMEN!!

[Sabali]

I'm genuinely confused as to what this post is even asking.

 

You CAUGHT HIM MULTIPLE TIMES out with other women! What on earth is murky about this? Break up with him or settle with being #2.

 

 

 

He DID JUGGLE 3 WOMEN!!

 

 

Right! Juggling 3 women with a full time job is childs play for the experienced. There are people who can juggle multiple marriages and have done so.

[Star Gazer]

I Don't get what you are saying. You said you are not sure that it's true yet you found something that made you upset and/or that would have "enabled" you to end the relationship. Sounds like you found something that I described above.

 

I am absolutely certain that I have been in relationships where had I snooped, I wouldn't have found a thing to be concerned about.

 

And that's probably why I didn't snoop in those relationships. Make sense yet?

[Confusedalways]

Right! Juggling 3 women with a full time job is childs play for the experienced. There are people who can juggle multiple marriages and have done so.

 

Yes! and even easier when you're wealthy, good looking and probably have insanely high charisma.

[els0919]

I'm genuinely confused as to what this post is even asking.

 

You CAUGHT HIM MULTIPLE TIMES out with other women! What on earth is murky about this? Break up with him or settle with being #2.

 

 

 

He DID JUGGLE 3 WOMEN!!

 

No, I caught him once out with another woman (the girl he met on the internet, which he admitted to). The other suspicions / red flags I have with him (i.e. him having Saturday night dinner w/ another female, which he claims is platonic, him almost never beeing available on Saturday night) I have no proof that these are actually dates and he is not just out with friends. I eat dinner with guy friends all the time, and I do have 1 or 2 who do very well financially, and I let them pay for me. So I guess it's possible his dinner was just with a friend (he said she's a student, so he paid).

 

So you all think I should just drop this guy? I am not an overly suspicious person, IMO. I have never felt this suspicious about any man I have dated before, and I would tend to believe I should just trust my instincts. The only thing that is confusing me, is there have been some things he did (like trying to cancel on me on a Friday night) that I interpreted suspiciously, and it turns out he was just hanging out by himself at home on that night.

 

As to the people commenting about NYC...this is just my observation. I have dated a handful of guys here, 2 of whom I ended up in committed relationships with. It was always an extended period of time (at least 3 months) before we committed.

[that girl]

I love how everyone latches on to the reciept thing.

 

Was it sketchy to go through his wallet? Undoubtably.

 

But this guy is cheating.

 

My friends tell me this guy is an amazing catch (attractive, wealthy, incredibly smart, but also incredibly good to me and kind), and that it's only natural many, many other women are interested in him, and that I should just do my best to keep him.

Your friends suck and must have pretty low self-esteem.

 

A guy cannot be a catch when he cheats.

[AverageJoe]

They were "technically" exclusive. So, he was "technically" cheating. Akums razor.

[Sabali]

I am absolutely certain that I have been in relationships where had I snooped, I wouldn't have found a thing to be concerned about.

 

And that's probably why I didn't snoop in those relationships. Make sense yet?

 

 

How would you ever know since you didn't snoop? Lets put it another way and this is a rhetorical question because I don't expect this one to be answered honestly at this point but have you ever snooped and not found anything?

 

If you have never snooped before the ex you mentioned above then if your curiosity can get the best of you one more time, in your next or current relationship just snoop for experimental reasons. Look through the cell phone, the email, or break into his house when he is not home and you will find something.

 

Now, my point is not to ignite insecurity here. My whole point is to get someone to reevaluate their snooping behavior. It will only drive you crazy with the things you find and you will never be able to develop a healthy and fulfilling relationship because of it. People make mistakes and they keep things that they shouldn't keep and avoid telling you things that they should and when you find this stuff, the relationship will end or take a nasty turn. This need not be the case in many of these situations and finding something does not justify the act.

His naked pics of his ex girlfriend shouldn't overshadow the fact that he sleeps with you every night, takes you to wonderful places and supports you in everything that you do.

[shadowplay]

They were "technically" exclusive. So, he was "technically" cheating. Akums razor.

 

 

?........

[2sunny]

since you were not his regular Saturday night date - he had someone above you. most men will automatically choose their #1 choice in their gal to see on Saturday night.

 

he has also proven that he keeps in touch with multiple women at the same time... the dinner receipt and the gal he was having drinks with. so, he definitely will go behind your back even though he says he's exclusive. that would be enough for me not to see him again.

 

from his side - he probably won't be keen on seeing you as long term material since you snooped and outed his real MO, which is to see multiple women.

 

 

did you see him last night... after all, it was Friday? what did he say he was doing tonight?

[that girl]

His naked pics of his ex girlfriend shouldn't overshadow the fact that he sleeps with you every night, takes you to wonderful places and supports you in everything that you do.

Is this somewhere in the post?

[2sunny]

did you sleep with this guy?

[els0919]

since you were not his regular Saturday night date - he had someone above you. most men will automatically choose their #1 choice in their gal to see on Saturday night.

 

he has also proven that he keeps in touch with multiple women at the same time... the dinner receipt and the gal he was having drinks with. so, he definitely will go behind your back even though he says he's exclusive. that would be enough for me not to see him again.

 

from his side - he probably won't be keen on seeing you as long term material since you snooped and outed his real MO, which is to see multiple women.

 

 

did you see him last night... after all, it was Friday? what did he say he was doing tonight?

 

Yeah, I saw him last night. We went to dinner and out to a bar after. I left his apartment around 10AM this morning. I have a busy week next week, so I suggested he come over today/tonight and hang out, since I probably won't be able to see him until Thursday / Friday. He said this (Saturday) afternoon would probably be better than the night, as he's planning to run the Yonkers Marathon tomorrow (he would have to leave his apt at 6AM to get to the marathon in Yonkers in time). We didn't set up anything concrete, and I assumed he'd follow up if he did want to come over. But, he never actually followed up with me. I tried texting him around midnight but he didn't return my text, so I assume he is either asleep to get a good night's sleep before the marathon, or out with some other girl and not actually running the marathon tomorrow.

 

Thanks for all the eye-opening comments.

[els0919]

did you sleep with this guy?

 

yes, after about a month of dating. he didn't pressure me into it or anything, and seemed content to date me without sleeping together if that's what i wanted.

[2sunny]

yes, after about a month of dating. he didn't pressure me into it or anything, and seemed content to date me without sleeping together if that's what i wanted.

 

 

he's getting it from other gals... that's why he didn't pressure you big time. a guy doesn't pressure you if he fully understands he has other options who put out regularly. i hope you used protection - he could easily give you something since he's probably sleeping with many women at the same time.