Does he want to upgrade me?

[els0919]

Hi, I'm a new poster here, and while I have never posted, I have always enjoyed others posts / responses. Here's my situation, that I was hoping I could receive advice on. I live in NYC and am 26 and female.

 

About 7 months ago, my friend talked me into signing up for an online dating site. I was incredibly skeptical at first, but figured I had nothing to lose (except the $30/month to join), so what the heck. My first 10 or so dates were nothing short of hilarious - one guy had to be at least 75lbs heavier than his photos portrayed, another arrived so drunk to the date that he spent the entire time throwing up in the bathroom, etc. Finally, around my 15th first date, I shockingly met this amazing guy. He was good-looking, smart, kind and 34 (I prefer someone somewhat older than me, as I've found most of the guys around my age in NYC are not interested in committment). He seemed truly perfect - he called when he said he would, planned great dates and followed up with me after to tell me what a wonderful time he had, and generally just treated me so well (he even helped me move all of my furniture out of my apartment and into a new one, so I wouldn't have to pay movers!).

 

After 4 months of dating, I noticed he had taken down his online dating profile (without me asking him to take the profile down, and without me asking him to be exclusive). I still had mine up, mostly because I assumed it was best for the man to bring up exclusivity, because then I knew that he really wanted it. It had been 4 months, though, so I figured it might not be such a bad idea for me to bring up the exclusivity talk with him. He was *mostly* receptive, although I definitely detected a bit of cautiousness in his voice. He agreed though, and I took my dating profile down the next day.

 

2 weeks later, he left his wallet accidentially at my place. I called him to let him know, and he told me he'd be back in a few hours to retrieve it. I know I shouldn't have done this, but I guess I let curiousity get the best of me, and I went through it. I found a receipt from the previous Saturday night for dinner at a very nice restaurant (in fact, one of the places he took me when we first started dating). The receipt was his credit card receipt for $140 (about the amount it would cost 2 people to eat dinner + a bottle of wine..yes..got to love NYC prices). I had seen him the previous Friday night, and it occurred to me that he could simply be seeing someone else on Saturday night. When he came over to get his wallet, I told him the receipt had fallen out (I'm sure he didn't buy my story, and knew I'd looked through his wallet). He told me it was just dinner with a female friend, and that he payed because he did much better financially than she did (he works on wall street - he definitely does well $-wise). This seemed reasonable, sort of, so I apologized.

 

A week later, I was at his place and he left his email open, and I saw, at the bottom of his emails (from 2 weeks ago, an email from a girl about meeting up for drinks). I of course brought it to his attention, and he confessed that 1 week after agreeing to date me exclusively, he put his online dating profile back up, and had gone out with this one girl once. He said he felt incredibly guilty about it after, and took the profile down and it was still down (I verified that it was still down). Obviously, I was incredibly angry, so I stormed off.

 

I gave the situation some thought, and told him that we could still date, but that I intended to see other people, so he should as well. He seemed sad but agreed to this. For the entire next week, he was constantly trying to convince me to agree to be exclusive with him -- he was basically begging me. After a week of this, I gave in -- but it was like the minute I gave in, he seemed shocked that I had agreeded. I then asked him if he still wanted to be exclusive, and he said yes, but he didn't seem that convinced anymore.

 

It's been a week since this happened, and while I guess we are exclusive, things definitely seem different. For example, he told me he'd come over today, and I haven't heard anything from him, and it's 11PM. When I asked him why he went out with that other girl, he told me he obviously just wasn't ready to be exclusive yet (which I find confusing, since he voluntarily took his online dating profile down before I even asked!). He also mentioned how in NYC, there is always this temptation to see what else is out there, because there are just so many people. I of course looked this girl he went out with up online, and she is a model (literally, she's a model). Now, I know I'm pretty and I'm in good shape, and I like to think I'm smart and fun and interesting, but I am certainly not a professional model. I also looked up his last ex-girlfriend, and she is drop dead gorgeous. I guess I'm just wondering if he's not fully satisfied with me physically (or in some other way) and trying to upgrade me? He was all over me for the first several months of dating, and always begging me not to see other guys. Now, I'm worried that I've lost his interest or that he thinks there's someone out there better for him.

 

My friends tell me this guy is an amazing catch (attractive, wealthy, incredibly smart, but also incredibly good to me and kind), and that it's only natural many, many other women are interested in him, and that I should just do my best to keep him. I have actually considered just continuing to date him for the next month or so "exclusively", and then just hiring one of those "infidelity investigators" I see posting online to follow him during the 1 weekend night I don't see him (since I assume this is the night he'd be seeing the other woman, if there is one). Any thoughts? This is just such a stressful situation for me...and I thought dating an "older" man would help me to finally find one who wanted to settle down and have an actual relationship!!

Edited September 19, 2010 by els0919

[shadowplay]

Honestly, I think you should dump him. It's awful that he went out on that date a week after you guys decided to be exclusive. Also, he sounds incredibly superficial from your description. This girl he took out is a model, and his ex wife looks like a model. That gives you a pretty good indication of what he values, and it also fits with his materialistic profession and lifestyle. Yes, he could easily be looking to upgrade. This guy is sleazy.

[USMCHokie]

I thought dating an "older" man would help me to finally find one who wanted to settle down and have an actual relationship!!

 

This is your first mistake.

 

 

After 4 months of dating, I noticed he had taken down his online dating profile (without me asking him to take the profile down, and without me asking him to be exclusive). I still had mine up, mostly because I assumed it was best for the man to bring up exclusivity, because then I knew that he really wanted it. It had been 4 months, though, so I figured it might not be such a bad idea for me to bring up the exclusivity talk with him. He was *mostly* receptive, although I definitely detected a bit of cautiousness in his voice. He agreed though, and I took my dating profile down the next day.

 

And this is mistake number 2. If you decide you want to play games, then all you're going to get is games in return. If you want to be exclusive, then you bring up exclusivity. If you don't bring it up, then it can be inferred that you're not ready for exclusivity. Don't expect the guy to assume anything.

[AverageJoe]

The moment you would have told me a receipt 'fell' out of my wallet and then, you questioned me about it. Would have been the moment I would have never called you again. I am not even going to mention the email thing. I would upgrade too.

[USMCHokie]

The moment you would have told me a receipt 'fell' out of my wallet and then, you questioned me about it. Would have been the moment I would have never called you again. I am not even going to mention the email thing. I would upgrade too.

 

Great point. I completely forgot to mention this...but OP, your actions here would create excellent LAUNCH conditions...

[Sabali]

No worries. He is unlikely to want to continue to date someone who snoops around through his stuff as much as you do. So you are free to continue to date other people.

[shadowplay]

The moment you would have told me a receipt 'fell' out of my wallet and then, you questioned me about it. Would have been the moment I would have never called you again. I am not even going to mention the email thing. I would upgrade too.

 

I don't know. Personally I think if somebody's gut is telling them that their partner is being unfaithful, a little snooping is warranted. It's a grey area, but I don't think the OP did anything egregious. This guy did.

[shadowplay]

No worries. He is unlikely to want to continue to date someone who snoops around through his stuff as much as you do. So you are free to continue to date other people.

 

The guy was obviously being unfaithful before she snooped...

[AverageJoe]

I don't know. Personally I think if somebody's gut is telling them that their partner is being unfaithful, a little snooping is warranted. It's a grey area, but I don't think the OP did anything egregious. This guy did.

 

 

 

There was no exclusivity between the two, as I read her post. And after only four months? C'mon. Red flags just flapping in the breeze.

[USMCHokie]

I don't know. Personally I think if somebody's gut is telling them that their partner is being unfaithful, a little snooping is warranted. It's a grey area, but I don't think the OP did anything egregious. This guy did.

 

Would your answer here still be the same if OP never found anything incriminating or the guy was legitimately not unfaithful?

[USMCHokie]

There was no exclusivity between the two, as I read her post. And after only four months? C'mon. Red flags just flapping in the breeze.

 

Agreed, I would never date anyone for four months without having had the exclusivity talk...it'd make me do this:

[shadowplay]

There was no exclusivity between the two, as I read her post. And after only four months? C'mon. Red flags just flapping in the breeze.

 

Yes, there was. They had just agreed to be exclusive the week before.

[shadowplay]

Agreed, I would never date anyone for four months without having had the exclusivity talk...it'd make me do this:

 

I don't think that's what AJ meant. I think he meant 4 months was a short amount of time for her to start snooping.

[Sabali]

The guy was obviously being unfaithful before she snooped...

 

She was obviously a snooper before he became unfaithful. I am sure a snooper was not born once this guy said "I do." Wait a minute, he didn't say "I do."

[shadowplay]

She was obviously a snooper before he became unfaithful. I am sure a snooper was not born once this guy said "I do." Wait a minute, he didn't say "I do."

 

What's worse a snooper or a cheater? No brainer.

[Star Gazer]

I don't know. Personally I think if somebody's gut is telling them that their partner is being unfaithful, a little snooping is warranted. It's a grey area, but I don't think the OP did anything egregious. This guy did.

 

I snooped through the ex's Facebook messages the night we broke up. We kept out laptops on the couch, both had open access to everything. He was literally in the next room when I did it. The things I found would have justified my gut feeling to breakup with him, but it didn't make it right. I still feel really guilty about it.

 

He knows, by the way, because I was furious at what I found.

[shadowplay]

I snooped through the ex's Facebook messages the night we broke up. We kept out laptops on the couch, both had open access to everything. He was literally in the next room when I did it. The things I found would have justified my gut feeling to breakup with him, but it didn't make it right. I still feel really guilty about it.

 

He knows, by the way, because I was furious at what I found.

 

I'm not saying what she did was right, but it's certainly a lot less wrong than what he did.

[Confusedalways]

4 months without an exclusivity talk? that is an error.

 

it's only downhill from here, seriously. I've found that once a women suspects her man of this kind of thing (regardless of the truth) it just facilitates more snoopy behavior. First the wallet, then the computer, what next?

 

Obviously you guys aren't compatible. Trust is a huge things in relationships and neither of you are being very trustworthy. Add to that the fact that he only seems to want to be exclusive with you when YOU don't want it. Obviously he wants to have his cake and eat it too, and you're letting him. Don't be a doormat.

[2sunny]

was he always MIA on ONE of the weekend evenings? or did you two usually go out both Friday and Saturday evenings?

 

if he was only seeing you one night - then he was probably making plans with someone else on the other night each weekend...

 

this is always a red flag.

[shadowplay]

to clear up the static, here are the pertinent points:

 

1) guy doesn't mention exclusivity after four months of dating girl.

 

2) guy dates somebody else, and sneakily reenables his profile, mere days after making exclusivity agreement.

 

3) guy withdraws again after second exclusivity agreement.

 

I think that's all we need to know.

[Sabali]

I snooped through the ex's Facebook messages the night we broke up. We kept out laptops on the couch, both had open access to everything. He was literally in the next room when I did it. The things I found would have justified my gut feeling to breakup with him, but it didn't make it right. I still feel really guilty about it.

 

He knows, by the way, because I was furious at what I found.

 

 

Snooping: the cardinal sin.

 

 

You will always find something when you snoop that will make you upset. Always. If you want to find a reason to fight or break up in your relationship just snoop. It's all you need.

[shadowplay]

OP, your "boyfriend" is a giant man child. He begged and pleaded in the courting stage, then withdrew once he knew he had you (and never asked for exclusivity, even after 4 months together). Then when you asked, he agreed, then freaked and proceeded to be unfaithful to you days later. Then begged and pleaded when you withdrew, then started acting cold again when you took him back. This is the behavior of a toddler, not a man in his mid thirties.

[els0919]

Hi, thanks for the responses. We were technically "exclusive" after 4 months, as I had brought it up and he'd agreed to it. When I went through his wallet, we were supposed to be exclusive. Also, I saw the email, as he left his laptop on his bed and his email was open (I could see the first line about drinks in gmail -- I didn't actually even click on it -- so I don't really consider this snooping).

 

I'm actually not a particularly suspicious person, but I guess I was surprised that he wasn't that enthusiastic about being exclusive with me. When we talked after I'd learned he'd gone out with that other girl, he said he wasn't fully ready to be exclusive with me when I'd asked him, but he agreed because he didn't want to lose me. I guess it was high lack of enthusiasm for being exclusive with me that made me suspicious in the first place, and motivated me to go through his wallet.

 

I legitimately do not believe this guy is using me (if only because he treats me very well - dinner 1-2x per week, helping me move furniture, bringing me cough medicine and cooking me dinner when I was sick, etc.), but his actions are certainly confusing.

 

As for the comment about going 4 months without being exclusive..from what I have seen, that is not abnormal at all in NYC. Before I moved here and was in college, dating someone for 4 months without a committment would have seemed ridiculous.

[Star Gazer]

You will always find something when you snoop that will make you upset. Always. If you want to find a reason to fight or break up in your relationship just snoop. It's all you need.

 

I'm not sure that's true.

 

The stuff I found would have enabled me to end the relationship nearly 8 months before it did.

[shadowplay]

Snooping: the cardinal sin.

 

 

You will always find something when you snoop that will make you upset. Always. If you want to find a reason to fight or break up in your relationship just snoop. It's all you need.

 

And why is that? Because usually (though not always) when people snoop they have a gut feeling that something is off, and gut feelings are rarely wrong.