Ugh, feel used... :(

[florence of suburbia]

I'm not sure what I think about this whole thread, but some of the responses seem to assume way too much.

 

Shadow is definitely being neurotic and waaay overthinking everything. I've said before the best thing she could do is learn to laugh at herself. And I agree that sex on the second date probably wasn't a good choice given her disposition. But she did connect with this guy, she just let her self-consciousness get in the way.

 

Mainly, I don't buy all the over-interpretation of what he was thinking. We don't know, do we? His not replying meant he didn't feel like talking. Nothing more. Some people aren't slaves to texting and their phones.

[florence of suburbia]

I'm a computer programmer, and you're close enough.

 

63.

 

Cool, thanks!! :bunny:

 

If "healthy" is meant to describe how Shadow will feel when she doesn't undermine herself and her own goals, then it is a fine choice of words.

 

But after a while in this thread it almost sounded like healthy = "what you're supposed to do."

 

A few rules are helpful. I just think there are way too many being touted on here as if they are gospel, and that Shadows small mistakes have been way overblown.

[atlnay]

FoS, i think this thread is generating "overblown" advice over OPs "small mistakes" due to her original post coming across like a victim, "feeling used". Which even she admitted to having a different take on her situation based on logical suggestions she receieved. Also, she is asking what certain things mean and posting details for dissection, which'll cause some people to overanalyze & project. Had her post been a bit more self-empowered and factual vs. emotional, I highly doubt the tone of replies would be so invovled. Look at other less involved threads that get 10 or so replies. That OP either gets it and moves on or doesnt keep analyzing and asking for feedback. You yourself said she's being neurotic, well that makes some people want to tell you what to do or give you "healthy" advice because they think you need it. *shrug*, JMO.

[florence of suburbia]

FoS, i think this thread is generating "overblown" advice over OPs "small mistakes" due to her original post coming across like a victim, "feeling used". Which even she admitted to having a different take on her situation based on logical suggestions she receieved. Also, she is asking what certain things mean and posting details for dissection, which'll cause some people to overanalyze & project. Had her post been a bit more self-empowered and factual vs. emotional, I highly doubt the tone of replies would be so invovled. Look at other less involved threads that get 10 or so replies. That OP either gets it and moves on or doesnt keep analyzing and asking for feedback. You yourself said she's being neurotic, well that makes some people want to tell you what to do or give you "healthy" advice because they think you need it. *shrug*, JMO.

Yeah, I see what you mean. But I think Shadow has such expressive writing / speaking skills that she sometimes overstates her own situation.

 

She says she humiliated herself and we believe her, but remember the narrator is sometimes unreliable.

 

Granted, she's given us facts that prove she goofed, but she also has over-emphasized the negative at the expense of the positive. We've been given no details about any of the moments when they connected.

[atlnay]

FoS, we are on the same page folks that can get thru the hyperbole, like yourself & moi, stick to the issue and facts as best we can discern. People who get more caught up in her expressive words & what feelings it triggers in them, well yea, they may project more or overanalyze or infer things based on their own negative experiences. Plus, who OP chooses to reply to also explains why so much of that type of advice is given. People who are less invested/more logical are either ignored or told they aren't being helpful. Meh.

[Kamille]

I don't know if you'll read this. Hopefully not . Hopefully you're out doing something for yourself that's relaxing and enjoyable. Grab a friend and go to one of those hot baths places if you can. They're awesome!

 

ARe you're saying if I don't put out at this point he'll view me as a tease, even if I don't go back to his place?

 

Who cares? No one, not your mom, not Bobsacramento, not even you can truly know what goes on in your date's head.

 

Last night, before I went to bed, you were excited about the date. Can you allow yourself to be excited about the date even if you don't know how it's going to work out? Can you trust your own judgement enough to do this? Nothing bad is going to happen to you because you are in charge of yourself here and you wont let anything unhealthy for you happen. 64.

 

Stop focusing on what he might think if you do Y or Z and decide what it is you want to do for your own well being. Then negotiate the date with him accordingly. I liked the idea of suggesting to him you go see a movie and make out like fifteen years old. Other good ideas at this point: a dinner in a restaurant. A comedy show. A concert. You can spend the public part of the evening getting to hang out and know each other and then, based on what you feel like doing, you can decide whether or not you want to go back to his place. It can even be as simple as flirtatiously insisting you play a game of scrabble and a game of Boggle before you start making out. Outside of the bedroom.

 

Remember, don't fear loss. You're just getting to know a cute guy. It might or it might not work out.

 

But why be suspicious of him when you haven't even given him a chance to get to know you? Why be suspicious of him when he hasn't done anything to deserve the title of "using you for sex"? And don't you think you would have the wherewithal to kick his ass to the curb if it became obvious he was using you for sex? You're the one who has your own back, remember? Nothing bad can happen to you as long as you take care of yourself.

Edited September 14, 2010 by Kamille

[shadowplay]

Maybe I am undermining myself or maybe my common sense is finally kicking in. Can't tell yet. This morning I woke up having serious doubts about whether I want to see him again. I realized that I was so elated when he got back to me after my freakout, that I let my relief override my judgment.

 

Last night I was talking to my friend online about this new girl he's seeing, and I detected immediately that he was half-hearted. Sure enough he said he's going with the flow but on the fence about whether he wants her as his girlfriend. I've seen this guy when he's really excited about a woman, and the difference is huge. I asked him why and he started picking her apart. She's not pretty enough, her personality is good but has some flaws, there are a lot of other people he could be meeting, etc.

 

I cringed as it dawned on me that these are probably the kind of thoughts this guy is having. In fact, only worse because he's like putting in no effort. I realized his interest level took a nose dive after we met, even before I screwed things up. He went from constant texting/iming, to piss-poor communication.

 

If a guy likes you at all his interest should perk up when you meet, not droop down.

 

Then again, maybe I should force myself to go just for the practice of trying to relax around somebody who isn't sending me clear signs of interest.

 

Shrug.

 

Anyway, undecided. I'll think it over today.

[shadowplay]

I don't know if you'll read this. Hopefully not . Hopefully you're out doing something for yourself that's relaxing and enjoyable. Grab a friend and go to one of those hot baths places if you can. They're awesome!

 

 

 

Who cares? No one, not your mom, not Bobsacramento, not even you can truly know what goes on in your date's head.

 

Last night, before I went to bed, you were excited about the date. Can you allow yourself to be excited about the date even if you don't know how it's going to work out? Can you trust your own judgement enough to do this? Nothing bad is going to happen to you because you are in charge of yourself here and you wont let anything unhealthy for you happen. 64.

 

Stop focusing on what he might think if you do Y or Z and decide what it is you want to do for your own well being. Then negotiate the date with him accordingly. I liked the idea of suggesting to him you go see a movie and make out like fifteen years old. Other good ideas at this point: a dinner in a restaurant. A comedy show. A concert. You can spend the public part of the evening getting to hang out and know each other and then, based on what you feel like doing, you can decide whether or not you want to go back to his place. It can even be as simple as flirtatiously insisting you play a game of scrabble and a game of Boggle before you start making out. Outside of the bedroom.

 

Remember, don't fear loss. You're just getting to know a cute guy. It might or it might not work out.

 

But why be suspicious of him when you haven't even given him a chance to get to know you? Why be suspicious of him when he hasn't done anything to deserve the title of "using you for sex"? And don't you think you would have the wherewithal to kick his ass to the curb if it became obvious he was using you for sex? You're the one who has your own back, remember? Nothing bad can happen to you as long as you take care of yourself.

 

Kamille, I like the way you think. This is convincing me that it's worth a shot, and I need to prevent these toxic thoughts from getting the better of me. Thanks!

[SadandConfusedWA]

How do you handle IM Shadow?

 

Are you online at the same time and who IMs who first?

[shadowplay]

It just occurred to me that he hasn't even asked what my last name is. (I know his from a link he sent me before we met to his blog.) We've been naked together and he doesn't know my last name or seem to care.

[SadandConfusedWA]

It just occurred to me that he hasn't even asked what my last name is. (I know his from a link he sent me before we met to his blog.) We've been naked together and he doesn't know my last name or seem to care.

 

 

Guys don't care about that sort of stuff...I always FB friend them so that's how they find out. But really, I can't remember a guy has EVER just asked.

[mitchell]

seems you both "used" each other in this scenario. He wasn't that interested but was willing to have sex when you offered yourself. You teased and "used" him by giving him a little and not really finishing the act.

 

Best to move on from this one and learn not to start things you can't or don't want to finish.

[sunshinegirl]

Hey Shadow,

 

Whatever happens with this specific guy, please put your mental and emotional energy into cultivating more *healthy* views on dating.

 

This link - from a site that really helped me reorient my thinking about dating - has some really really good advice: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/100-tips-for-successful-dating-relationships/

 

Good luck!

[2sunny]

It just occurred to me that he hasn't even asked what my last name is. (I know his from a link he sent me before we met to his blog.) We've been naked together and he doesn't know my last name or seem to care.

 

this is a great wake up call that you can get to know a guy and many things about him - and him, you - before getting really intimate with him.

[shadowplay]

How do you handle IM Shadow?

 

Are you online at the same time and who IMs who first?

 

Since our second date and he didn't im me the two days after when he had a chace, I've started putting my status as invisible. I also removed him from im, which means he can im me but I can't see whether he's on or not. I just don't want to obsess over it. I've also hidden his profile on OKCupid.

[johan]

Shadow, you need to find a job where they pay people to obsess. You'd be employee of the month every month.

[Citizen Erased]

Shadow, you need to find a job where they pay people to obsess. You'd be employee of the month every month.

 

:eek:

[Star Gazer]

Guys don't care about that sort of stuff...I always FB friend them so that's how they find out. But really, I can't remember a guy has EVER just asked.

 

Are you seriously saying it's common practice to have a guy's d*ck in you before knowing the most basic facts about each other, their name???

[stillafool]

I made a huge mistake and slept with this guy. I haven't heard from him since, and he didn't respond to the two texts I sent. I feel predictably used and awful.

 

Never again...

 

There's no need to feel used and awful. You wanted the sex also or you wouldn't have done it. C'mon you are a grown woman. Don't feel bad it is his loss.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I think it's the 8th longest thread in LS history. Literally.

 

I think a new one with the new topic should be started...

 

Would it be called

 

"sleep with him on the third date: bad move?"

[Kamille]

Shadow, why do you try to keep guessing his intentions and thoughts? Is it a defense mechanism?

[shadowplay]

hey guys...i'm not solely or even mostly responsible for its length. for some reason it got a lot of responses, even before I wrote my second post. i didn't think many people would respond. if you're annoyed by its length, then stop contributing!

[welikeincrowds]

"sleeping during the second date: bad move?"

[SadandConfusedWA]

Are you seriously saying it's common practice to have a guy's d*ck in you before knowing the most basic facts about each other, their name???

 

 

I am not sure. It was never an issue for me because I ask them for Facebook early on. This has helped me so far as I have discovered that one of the guys on OKC was married with kids before I met him.

 

But I have never had a guy ask me during a date "So what is your last name?". I have also never asked.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Since our second date and he didn't im me the two days after when he had a chace, I've started putting my status as invisible. I also removed him from im, which means he can im me but I can't see whether he's on or not. I just don't want to obsess over it. I've also hidden his profile on OKCupid.

 

 

IMs are the WORST. I deliberately didn't add the new guy. There is is just so much that can be confusing such as who IMs who first, lag between IMs, if they are pretending to be away to avoid you or if they are REALLY away, etc. I also can't just IM in a relaxed way with a guy I like. I keep timing every response and reading into it based on length as well.

Then I keep delaying my own responses to match his lag...who needs the stress...