Growing closer to friend, but barrier there against emotional investment

[GooseChaser]

HE didn't cross any lines, GC. I don't think you understand that 'friends with benefits' isn't any closer, emotionally, to a guy than 'friends'.

I do appreciate the emotional closeness that comes with friendship. It's a nice feeling.

[GooseChaser]

I seriously hope I didn't try to kiss my dad, who I thought was my FWB. I was so tired, I don't remember. I think I do remember snuggling closer, maybe; at least that's innocent enough. My dad looks surprisingly similar to my FWB in the dark.... *shiver* Can't have that happen again! Scary!

Edited September 21, 2010 by GooseChaser

[Els]

I find it quite disturbing that your dad is snuggling up to you in bed and saying 'I love you' when you're barely awake though....

 

Not disturbing in 'that' sense, but in the 'you're over 20 now' sense.

[GooseChaser]

I find it quite disturbing that your dad is snuggling up to you in bed and saying 'I love you' when you're barely awake though....

 

Not disturbing in 'that' sense, but in the 'you're over 20 now' sense.

Hahaha, no, nothing wrong is happening here. I fell asleep on their bed last night, so I guess he just came in when I was sleeping. Nothing nasty going on, everything's innocent, platonic, just father-daughter closeness, you know. He probably didn't realize that I might not have thought it was him. Phew, lucky I figured it out though... but I didn't figure it out until I got out of bed, turn on a light, and see who it is! Ahahaha, eek! I mean, I was shocked that my FWB would be there anyway, because it would have been unannounced and he's never been in my home before. It was surprising that he would just go and have me wake up next to him out of nowhere, haha! I guess I just went, "Okay, cool, whatever."

 

Anyway, my dad was absolutely saying "I love you" in the most family-friendly, platonic way ever. No foul play going on here. It was mostly my fault for not being able to tell it was him in the dark. I was the one on his bed in the first place, too. I'm sure that he couldn't tell that I was snuggling up to him in a more-than-friends sort of way, if you know what I mean. No inappropriate touch or anything happened, though. Thank goodness.

 

Brr... I... I don't know.... I don't want to think about this too closely, or I'll start to get disturbed too. xD

 

Luckily, I think it's very unlikely I kissed him. He would have said something. It would have been very odd of me from his perspective, unless I kissed his cheek or something. A kiss on the cheek is acceptable for my dad. The lips would be impossible and sickening.

Edited September 21, 2010 by GooseChaser

[GooseChaser]

Well, one thing is for sure, my mind was playing tricks on me! Part of it is probably that he is constantly on my mind lately. I got really happy from hearing that, too bad I was practically dreaming. Better luck next time.

 

Oh, and I said, "I love you too!"

[squeaky]

I don't let this stuff stress me out too much.

 

...says the girl who obsessively dissects every insignificant nuance of this very basic fwb situation.

 

i'm not trying to sound harsh, but your naivety is bordering on delusional. do whatever you want to do, and hopefully you'll learn from your mistakes. i don't know why people are even bothering to offer you any other advice at this point.

[LoveAintEverything]

Seems like he is not good with relationships. I would just keep pushing for it and ask him to hang out more

[tigressA]

...says the girl who obsessively dissects every insignificant nuance of this very basic fwb situation.

 

i'm not trying to sound harsh, but your naivety is bordering on delusional. do whatever you want to do, and hopefully you'll learn from your mistakes. i don't know why people are even bothering to offer you any other advice at this point.

 

I agree with this, particularly the bolded. I highly doubt that anyone who's been telling the OP that this guy won't date her has really gotten through to her at all. The OP will likely end up doing what she wants, though she said--at least before--that she doesn't want to be FWB, and then she'll be posting about how hurt she is that he doesn't want any more than sex.

 

OP: This guy is only being like this with you to get you to have sex with him. He straight-up said to you that he doesn't want any more than FWB with you! The way you're going over every little thing that's taken place is telling everyone here that you are not in the right state of mind to handle a casual sexual relationship with this guy.

Edited September 21, 2010 by tigressA

[PixieStix]

I agree with this, particularly the bolded. I highly doubt that anyone who's been telling the OP that this guy won't date her has really gotten through to her at all. The OP will likely end up doing what she wants, though she said--at least before--that she doesn't want to be FWB, and then she'll be posting about how hurt she is that he doesn't want any more than sex.

 

OP: This guy is only being like this with you to get you to have sex with him. He straight-up said to you that he doesn't want any more than FWB with you! The way you're going over every little thing that's taken place is telling everyone here that you are not in the right state of mind to handle a casual sexual relationship with this guy.

 

I totally agree. For the last 10 pages or so people have been trying to tell her that it is not a relationship and she is slightly delusional or just plain stuck on stupid when it comes to this guy. I don't think she really cares what anyone has to say or really wants anyone's advice.

[tigressA]

Goose, I was exactly where you are once. I was head over heels for this guy who never wanted me for anything more than friendship and sex. I constantly made excuses for his behavior and rationalized every little thing that took place between us, mistaking it for romantic interest. The whole time I was doing that I was also somehow convinced that I was well-equipped to handle a FWB situation with him. I wasn't. It took 2 1/2 years of putting myself through all that BS--including ruining my only serious relationship with someone who loved me--to finally give it up and move on.

 

You have a lot of people here telling you what's really going on and it's like you refuse to see it. Don't be that girl anymore.

[GooseChaser]

He passed me in the library today. I said hi, and he said hi back. He was very calm and collected about it. He just keeps on walking, so I just ask quickly, "Going to study?" He shakes his head, so I try again: "... computer lab...?" Anyway, he just passes through like nothing happened and goes back and forth without really saying much or anything at all.

 

... If he's going to be so cool towards me all the time, it's going to start bothering me....

 

Thanks for the good advice, everyone! Don't fret, your words indeed help and make a difference! Given the situation, that I have gotten confirmation that he does not care about getting serious about us, and now, his chilly behavior toward me in public, I feel that the best thing for me to do is just have fun for a few more times-- go dancing this Friday, meet up once or twice more to have a good time as friends-- and then I'll give it up. It's no good keeping this going for a long time. It seems like it would go stale fast with the lack of emotion. In addition, he's STILL pining after the other girl, who he needs to get over ASAP (why does he care so much for someone who hates him and reports him to the police to get rid of him?!), and given his bad experience with the other girl getting hurt and being afraid of the same happening with me, he is REALLY afraid of pursuing anything with me. He doesn't want to lose the friendship by being too risky. He is constantly asking if I'm hurt, and it seems like this just isn't worth the trouble.

 

Again, thank you everyone! I'll miss having that relationship with him, but it's for the best.

Edited September 21, 2010 by GooseChaser

[GooseChaser]

Hopefully I can stick to my decision this time. I would love if we could make it work out-- I would be willing to do my part for that to happen-- but he doesn't seem interested in making that effort. It was worth a shot.

[GooseChaser]

I agree with this, particularly the bolded. I highly doubt that anyone who's been telling the OP that this guy won't date her has really gotten through to her at all. The OP will likely end up doing what she wants, though she said--at least before--that she doesn't want to be FWB, and then she'll be posting about how hurt she is that he doesn't want any more than sex.

 

OP: This guy is only being like this with you to get you to have sex with him. He straight-up said to you that he doesn't want any more than FWB with you! The way you're going over every little thing that's taken place is telling everyone here that you are not in the right state of mind to handle a casual sexual relationship with this guy.

Good point. That's probably true.

[GooseChaser]

Oh, and one more thing. Even if, after the FWB was over, he asked me if I would like to go on dates with him, I think I may say no to that. He has made his feelings clear, and unless he was able to convince me that his feelings had changed and he really cared about our relationship, I couldn't agree to it.

[Els]

You do know that if you still go out 'a few more times' with him, you will end up having sex and getting attached again and changing your decision to end it?

 

If you want to end it, end it right now. If you want to use him for fun, you are evidently not in the right state of mind to do that at this point of time, ESPECIALLY if him merely being cool to you in public bothers you.

[GooseChaser]

You do know that if you still go out 'a few more times' with him, you will end up having sex and getting attached again and changing your decision to end it?

 

If you want to end it, end it right now. If you want to use him for fun, you are evidently not in the right state of mind to do that at this point of time, ESPECIALLY if him merely being cool to you in public bothers you.

I'll still know logically that he doesn't feel that way about me, and that voice can help me stay firm in my decision, with luck.

 

I don't want to end it, but I have to if friends with benefits is the best he can offer. I am just saying that if I continued being FWBs, it wouldn't last long. I will hold myself to that. I will remind myself that when he acts nice to me like this, it is in the expectation of getting something he wants from me. It doesn't come from really deeply caring and wanting a relationship. You guys had a really good point about that.

 

With all due respect, why shouldn't it bother me? Apparently no one sees anything with potential here and is super-pessimistic about the whole thing, so why does it matter what triggers me to be bothered, as long as it leads me to cool off and lose interest like everyone recommends? Damned if I chase him, damned if I don't.

 

Apologies for my slightly emotional tone. I'm just confused, and this issue is very personal. All of the criticism's getting to me a bit too, but I'm doing my best to be patient and consider everyone's opinions. I appreciate them. Please just don't be too hard on me.

Edited September 22, 2010 by GooseChaser

[GooseChaser]

He could just want some time to himself. Things were pretty intense the other day. He even let me stay the night; that really surprised me that he was okay with that. We slept in the same bed for the night. Maybe he wants some space.

[Star Gazer]

Remove sex from the picture for a minute. No REAL FRIEND would ever walk by you in the hallway and brush you off the way he did. Not even a female, platonic friend.

 

This guy does NOT care about you. Everything he says and does is motivated only to get what HE wants.

[GooseChaser]

Remove sex from the picture for a minute. No REAL FRIEND would ever walk by you in the hallway and brush you off the way he did. Not even a female, platonic friend.

 

This guy does NOT care about you. Everything he says and does is motivated only to get what HE wants.

That's sorta the idea of what I was thinking, yes! I would have liked if he would at least slow down and have a quick chat, you know? More than just "hi, bye!" What's his rush? Who knows, though, maybe he was in a hurry to get to a class... I don't know his schedule. Removing sex from the picture for a while could be a good idea.

 

About the second paragraph: I'm starting to see that now, and I'm glad. I think I should try to work on strengthening our friend bond, because that is what is most important, maybe seeing if there's anything he wants to talk about or if there is anything still worrying him. He could just be preoccupied or really busy, too. I can give it more time. I don't want to stress him out, so I am trying to keep things low-pressure and give him space if he needs it.

 

I know I'm flip-flopping, but I've done that a lot throughout this thread, and as erratic as it seems, I'm making progress thinking it all out this way.

[carhill]

OP, would you characterize yourself as a 'nice girl'?

 

I skimmed since my last post here and this is the feeling I am getting, but want to hear your perspective.

 

Sometimes 'nice' is always seeing the best in people without accepting the 'rest' of who they are and making a healthy choice wrt that totality being compatible for any sort of interpersonal relationship. Willful and selective ignoral, taking a clearly positive personality (empathy and seeing the 'good' in people) characteristic to a level which abrogates one's personal boundaries of health.

 

Since we're at 170 posts, it's clear this situation is important to you. It's also clear you've invested a lot of yourself in pursuing and/or understanding it. When you look at the gentleman's investment here, do you see parity? Is that analysis meaningful to you? Why? Hope it works out

[GooseChaser]

We now have plans to go back to that same place as we went to last Sunday this Friday to go dancing. He LOVES dancing, so I'm sure this is something he'll really enjoy. He is hoping to invite a few friends, one who is a female mutual friend of mine, and two more who he introduced me to last time. (They were nice! ) This gives me a chance to see how he acts around me in front of friends-- I'm excited to see what happens! If he acts affectionate like he did last time, it will be a really good sign! It would mean he's okay with friends being aware of something between us and being more public about things. On the other hand, there is a very good chance he may be quieter about things with company, and it wouldn't be a shock. Given that it will be a night for dancing, though, that seems less likely. How exciting!

 

Writing a reply to your comment after sending this message, Carhill!

[GooseChaser]

OP, would you characterize yourself as a 'nice girl'?

 

I skimmed since my last post here and this is the feeling I am getting, but want to hear your perspective.

 

Sometimes 'nice' is always seeing the best in people without accepting the 'rest' of who they are and making a healthy choice wrt that totality being compatible for any sort of interpersonal relationship. Willful and selective ignoral, taking a clearly positive personality (empathy and seeing the 'good' in people) characteristic to a level which abrogates one's personal boundaries of health.

 

Since we're at 170 posts, it's clear this situation is important to you. It's also clear you've invested a lot of yourself in pursuing and/or understanding it. When you look at the gentleman's investment here, do you see parity? Is that analysis meaningful to you? Why? Hope it works out

I am nice, but I don't think I have all of the negative, unattractive qualities of the "nice girl" archetype. I'll explain. I'm happy being single, and it doesn't matter to me how long it takes for me to find the right guy. I'll take as long as I need. I know I'm a good person, and worthy of a good man. I don't mind being solitary sometimes. I find it relaxing. I don't see myself as a doormat, though maybe I'm letting this guy take advantage of me a bit. That could be, and that's something to think about. I need to keep my needs and desires in mind too, not just his, and not let guys like him walk all over me. I do feel that there is a good amount of equality between us, though maybe at this time the situation is leaning towards what he wants more than what I want.

 

Thank you for your thoughts, Carhill! They bring up interesting things that I can think about further!

[Star Gazer]

I don't see myself as a doormat, though maybe I'm letting this guy take advantage of me a bit.

 

A doormat has sex with a guy she likes but who doesn't like her back and actually tells her he's not attracted to her, just horny.

 

Are you a doormat, Goose?

[carhill]

OK, as one path, clarify what your boundary is wrt 'being taken advantage of'. Hint: the boundary should be the same, regardless of whether you 'like' the person or not. It's interesting IME to reflect upon that. I think Star touched upon that area with the comment on the hallway encounter.

 

Also, being unhealthily nice doesn't have to turn upon external validation. You can be comfortable being alone, feel worthy of love, and enjoy positive relationships/friendships and still have potential weaknesses/unhealthiness in certain dynamics and/or with certain people. BTDT. The key IMO is in identifying that unhealthiness and resolving it.

 

Can you accept that this man doesn't want a relationship with you? I'm not saying he doesn't, but can you accept, right now, today, that he doesn't, if that is indeed the case? I'm more interested in how you view the concept of acceptance and this potential is a doozy for that concept, given its importance to you.

 

What do you propose as a next step?

[GooseChaser]

Sometimes 'nice' is always seeing the best in people without accepting the 'rest' of who they are and making a healthy choice wrt that totality being compatible for any sort of interpersonal relationship. Willful and selective ignoral, taking a clearly positive personality (empathy and seeing the 'good' in people) characteristic to a level which abrogates one's personal boundaries of health.

I think he's a good person. He's a bit rough around the edges from growing up with a tough childhood, and sometimes can be restless and have a dislike of authority, but I think he's really grown and matured into an adult and is really making progress in life. He's always been proud of how he has pulled himself out of hard times through hard work in school, and that's one thing that inspires me about him. He has this great energy. He has friends who aren't in as good of a place as him-- drug users, and other low-income "ghetto" people-- but he had the will power to say no to all of that and be his own person. He has personality, drive, and ambition. After that hard time growing up in poverty, even having to live in homeless shelters a few times, he's now determined to make his way through college, have a high-paying career (he is considering engineering), and be successful.

 

Personality... he loves to laugh and have a good time. He likes things to be light-hearted. He wants people to be happy, and likes to entertain company. He does care about his close friends, because he doesn't have many that have stuck by him. According to him, most of them have faded away. He sometimes can be a risk-taker, though he is trying to cut down on it these days so things can become more stable for him. He is athletic, and enjoys weight lifting especially, because he has problems with his feet. (He jumped from heights a few too many times in his youth, and it did a number on his feet. He's crazy. x]) He is honest, upfront, and genuine, in my opinion.

 

Bad things... he's pining for that girl who hates him. He's afraid to feel emotion beyond friendship and pursue something serious. While he has said a few times that he likes me, he has also said that he does not love me. (That isn't the end of the world; it can always change. Love is a very strong emotion to feel.)

 

Good things... we have been steadily increasing the amount of time we're around each other over time. He texts me a lot, or contacts me over facebook if necessary. (My phone is unusable for now, so facebook it is for now, ahaha. :]) He has conversations with me. He is interested in talking to me and spending time with me. He has no problem being close and intimate physically. I have known him for five or six years now, and we know each other well, and are still learning about each other even now. He commented that I've changed since high school, being less scared about involvement with a guy, and that he is proud of me for that.

 

I could go on, but that's enough for now.