Growing closer to friend, but barrier there against emotional investment

[GooseChaser]

Thank you for the warnings, guys. I appreciate your concern.

 

I'm about to rush off to campus because I forgot my flash drive at the computer lab, so I will address your most recent posts when I get back after I've gotten to look at them more closely. Thank you for your ideas!

 

I thought hard about it today, and I think I may just say no to the friends with benefits thing. I am well aware that I want more than that, and I should make that clear to him and not accept anything less. What I really want is not friends with benefits, but real dating. I'm afraid of losing him, but if that does happen, that's just how it goes. I'm looking for an emotional connection, and he may not be willing to offer that. I'm talking to him in a day or so, so I will be able to get this all straightened out with him very soon! I'm looking forward to it!

[GooseChaser]

Hey GC-

I know Lisa Lee already stressed these points, but I just want to add an extra warning...

 

Please try not to look at sex as a way to get into a relationship! I did for a couple years, when I was just a couple years younger than you (it makes me feel old to say that, but it really wasn't all that long ago!). I had just gotten into college, and after meeting a few people there, thought that was how people my age got into relationships.. it was different than high school, right (so naive.)? I was looking for something that would last, got strung along for a couple of years, and ended up feeling very used and hurt, without ever getting the romance I wanted and deserved.

 

Sexuality and attraction are natural and important in relationships, but are by no means the only thing that counts. And sexuality and attraction DO NOT EQUAL sex (although they lead to it when the time is right). That goes for both men and women, even though the hormones are different. If this guy won't be with you without having sex, then there is a darn good chance he won't come around even with sex involved.

 

Think about your situation with as clear a head as you can, without too many clouds from your feelings for him. Is this FWB situation mutually beneficial? Is he meeting your needs too? Try not to get yourself hurt, ok?

Thanks for sharing your story. That's a good point, a person should make sure that they are not being used or strung along. It's a good point, and I'll keep that in mind!

 

I don't think being in a FWB situation with him would get all of my needs met, honestly. I do enjoy spending time with him and all that, but we're holding back. I think he might be a bit in denial about his attraction to me. We've made out half a dozen times and had sex, and he claims in a text, "I'm not attracted to you." AHAHAHAHAHAHA, keep telling yourself that, bud! BS! I think I'm developing feelings for him, so I should just come out with it and tell him. If he doesn't want to date, that's okay; we can just be friends then. I don't want to lose him, but if that's how it has to be, it would be okay. We would still be buddies. I've been hurt before, and I'm not afraid of taking a chance and risking getting a bit hurt; it's worth it to try to gain a happy bond.

[GooseChaser]

Only thing I would say, Goosechaser, is that if a man wants to sleep with you, he is likely to want it to be exclusive. This does not mean he is offering anything more and it would be a mistake to assume that. It is different to him wanting to be up front about dating you and where you would be his exclusive girlfriend. One is saying, I'm happy to have sex with you but don't really want the competition or knowledge that you are also doing likewise with others. The other is saying he recognises you as a significant person in his life and is proud to make this known to others. He wants you there and doesn't want to lose you.

 

Having said the above, in th early stages of a relationship he may not be sure whether you are right for each other and want to see how it goes before making any commitment. From what you say though, this isn't a new relationship so he should have a pretty good idea by now of what status you have in his life. Don't make the assumption that this FWB exclusivity is the same as have feelings for you. I'm not saying he doesn't have feelings for you, but a sexual relationship and exclusivity does not mean emotional involvement and commitment necessarily.

Oh, it's good to hear that most men will go for exclusivity in a sexual relationship! Also, I thought your points comparing a sex buddy and boyfriend were interesting and informative to read. It's good to learn a few of the important differences! I think I'd prefer being in a real relationship.

 

No, I don't equate his being a FWB with his having feelings for me. As he said himself, he doesn't love me. He did admit once that he likes me though. :] Also, I can see how he is holding back on the emotional involvement and commitment. Perhaps he just isn't ready for that yet for whatever reason. Still, if he can't offer those things, which I want, I guess I will have to take us back to being just friends, because maybe being FWBs isn't the best idea, considering I am developing feelings of my own for him. What I really want is dating, so perhaps I shouldn't accept less than that. If being just friends isn't enough for him, he can always ask me out; I won't stand in his way....

[Star Gazer]

I just sent him this message (I hope it helps lighten the pressuring tone a bit): "Well, _______, you don't have to change your relationship status if you feel that "single" is best. Do what you want to about that. No pressure. :)"

 

I don't think he feels over-pressured yet; he says he wants to talk.

 

Oh my, I didn't realize from the other thread that you'd asked him to change his status!!

 

Have you talked to him about this yet??

[GooseChaser]

Oh my, I didn't realize from the other thread that you'd asked him to change his status!!

 

Have you talked to him about this yet??

Yes, I asked him to change his status from "single" to "it's complicated." Later today I took it back and told him it wasn't necessary. I guess we are single. He got a little defensive about it, saying that we aren't in a relationship-- which I know!! He's always emphasizing it! Maybe it's unlikely that he'll want anything like that, with how much he seems to dislike the idea. Yes, at first it bothered me that we had agreed to be exclusive FWBs and he was still listed as "single"... I don't know, I just don't like it. I want to be official. I want to be a girlfriend. If he can't offer that, I'll have to find it elsewhere. If I DO go through with the FWBs, it will be for a short period of time, 1-2 months maximum, so that we get to become a bit more... familiar with each other , and maybe it could make it easier to see if a relationship could really work out. I'm seriously considering calling it off and making us just friends, though. Another benefit could be if it leads him to actually ask me out! If we are FWBs, he doesn't have to do that, because he is already getting what he wants without the work!

 

We are going to have a serious talk within the next few days. I don't know yet if it will be over the phone or in person, but I'm really looking forward to it and seeing what happens.

[Star Gazer]

If I DO go through with the FWBs, it will be for a short period of time, 1-2 months maximum, so that we get to become a bit more... familiar with each other , and maybe it could make it easier to see if a relationship could really work out.

 

Listen to him. He's telling you you're BOTH single, and that's the way he wants it to be. That will not change when you have NSA/FWB sex with him. You're fooling yourself if you think otherwise. Really.

 

You're not a virgin, are you?? I hope not, otherwise this is REALLY going to hurt you...

[GooseChaser]

Listen to him. He's telling you you're BOTH single, and that's the way he wants it to be. That will not change when you have NSA/FWB sex with him. You're fooling yourself if you think otherwise. Really.

 

You're not a virgin, are you?? I hope not, otherwise this is REALLY going to hurt you...

No, I understand what's going on here. I know that having sex with him wouldn't necessarily lead to anything serious. That's why it might not be a bad idea just to run if he has no interest in committing.

 

I lost my virginity to him last Friday. I don't regret it! I was totally ready. I'm 21, and I think that's a very respectable age to lose it. I feel fine, and I would be okay if things didn't work out. That's just how things go.

[GooseChaser]

I'm going to see him today at Jamba Juice, and we're going to use that time to talk things over. Looks like it's time for me to tell him how I feel! Wish me luck!

[Star Gazer]

I'm going to see him today at Jamba Juice, and we're going to use that time to talk things over. Looks like it's time for me to tell him how I feel! Wish me luck!

 

Sooooo...what happened??

[GooseChaser]

Sooooo...what happened??

Thanks for your interest! It turns out that he didn't get much sleep last night and is tired, and in addition to that, he is busy today with errands and school, so we're going to talk tomorrow and delay the smoothies. I'm looking forward to talking to him though. It was so cute, he was really surprised I was okay with him delaying it! He was like, "It's no big deal??" Haha! He said he felt overwhelmed, and I'm glad I could let him know that he doesn't have to feel rushed. Rather, he can have all the time he needs and progress with things when he is comfortable, no worries. Not a problem at all. He actually also said he wasn't in the mood for sex today, in the case we did get together-- partially from being tired, I bet, as well as a possible sign that his feelings are confused-- and that's a good thing, isn't it? He doesn't mind seeing me just to spend time together! Good sign?

Edited September 18, 2010 by GooseChaser

[GooseChaser]

I'll let you guys know how it goes tomorrow. No worries!

 

I was just looking through our text message conversations, and I picked something interesting out of one of his texts. Look at what he wrote: "You're not in a relationship if you have sex with someone. I am not committing myself to anything but school, but if you want to fool around I am open."

 

Very interesting! It sounds like if he is not interested in committing, it is not because he is uninterested in committing to me in particular; rather, he does not want commitment of a relationship-type nature with anyone right now. Right now, he wants to dedicate himself mainly to doing well in his classes. I do know, at least, that he trusts me, is comfortable with me and sharing things about himself, he likes me, and finds me attractive-- at least, enough to mess around with. Who knows, over time he could change his mind and be willing to commit. However, I should not feel that I have to have sex with him in the hopes that he suddenly becomes ready for commitment. I have to just tell him how I feel, what I want (dating), and that we should be just friends until we get there.

[GooseChaser]

Just to supply you guys with more information that might help, he asked me a few days ago, "Why are you attracted to me?" I then listed a ton of things I like about him, which took up seven text messages. He responded to reading that by saying, "Wow, I didn't know I do all that." He sounded flattered, and I'm glad that made him happy.

 

He then went on to give me a few compliments in return:

"I like your intellect and respect."

"You have a nice voice but you're a little nervous about it, or its just really soft."

It was nice to hear. He is so sweet!

 

Also, I thought this was also interesting. Well, we're sorta different types of people. He is a bit wild and can be very loud and social, while I am more of a quiet, relaxed type. He has told me that I relax him. He must really trust me. He also said that he could tell that I really trust him too. Another thing he said is that he likes that I am a "soft" type of person, meaning gentle. I was looking around online the other day, and I found "soft" described as an attractive, feminine quality. It also went on to say that tough guys often are attracted to that kind of feminine woman who has qualities that they lack. Myself, I like toughness as a quality in a man, because it shows they could protect me. I like a man with muscle for that same reason. He has both toughness and that muscle that I like. As they say, opposites attract!

[Star Gazer]

It sounds like if he is not interested in committing, it is not because he is uninterested in committing to me in particular; rather, he does not want commitment of a relationship-type nature with anyone right now. Right now, he wants to dedicate himself mainly to doing well in his classes. I do know, at least, that he trusts me, is comfortable with me and sharing things about himself, he likes me, and finds me attractive-- at least, enough to mess around with. Who knows, over time he could change his mind and be willing to commit. However, I should not feel that I have to have sex with him in the hopes that he suddenly becomes ready for commitment. I have to just tell him how I feel, what I want (dating), and that we should be just friends until we get there.

 

You are grasping at straws here, and it breaks my heart because I've soooo been there.

 

When someone tells you what they want/don't, LISTEN TO THEM. He's telling you he doesn't want a relationship WITH YOU. Do not think you can wait around for him or keep having sex with him and expect his feelings to magically change. They won't. Trust me, if he meets a girl he's truly interested in, he will forget all about you.

[GooseChaser]

You are grasping at straws here, and it breaks my heart because I've soooo been there.

 

When someone tells you what they want/don't, LISTEN TO THEM. He's telling you he doesn't want a relationship WITH YOU. Do not think you can wait around for him or keep having sex with him and expect his feelings to magically change. They won't. Trust me, if he meets a girl he's truly interested in, he will forget all about you.

It sounds like if he is not interested in committing, it is not because he is uninterested in committing to me in particular; rather, he does not want commitment of a relationship-type nature with anyone right now. Right now, he wants to dedicate himself mainly to doing well in his classes. I do know, at least, that he trusts me, is comfortable with me and sharing things about himself, he likes me, and finds me attractive-- at least, enough to mess around with. Who knows, over time he could change his mind and be willing to commit. However, I should not feel that I have to have sex with him in the hopes that he suddenly becomes ready for commitment. I have to just tell him how I feel, what I want (dating), and that we should be just friends until we get there.

I know!

[LisaLee]

I'll let you guys know how it goes tomorrow. No worries!

 

I was just looking through our text message conversations, and I picked something interesting out of one of his texts. Look at what he wrote: "You're not in a relationship if you have sex with someone. I am not committing myself to anything but school, but if you want to fool around I am open."

 

Very interesting! It sounds like if he is not interested in committing, it is not because he is uninterested in committing to me in particular; rather, he does not want commitment of a relationship-type nature with anyone right now.

 

 

Wow, Goose... I'm amazed how you picked that message and turned it into something positive for you. =/ I would be highly insulted if some jerk texted that to me.

 

My boyfriend and I both wanted no bigger a commitment than school when we hooked up. But when sparks fly, they just fly. Your FWB can come across a girl that will blow him out of the water, and his priorities will change. You mentioned he is still pining for a girl who is over him. What if she suddenly decides she wants him back? Where will his commitments be then?

 

Grasping at straws is an apt description. You also seem borderline obsessive. 7 pages of text? And his likes of you took up, what? 2-3 at max?

 

I hope you guys have a good talk this weekend! Keep us updated! Try not to have sex with him.

[GooseChaser]

Wow, Goose... I'm amazed how you picked that message and turned it into something positive for you. =/ I would be highly insulted if some jerk texted that to me.

 

My boyfriend and I both wanted no bigger a commitment than school when we hooked up. But when sparks fly, they just fly. Your FWB can come across a girl that will blow him out of the water, and his priorities will change. You mentioned he is still pining for a girl who is over him. What if she suddenly decides she wants him back? Where will his commitments be then?

 

Grasping at straws is an apt description. You also seem borderline obsessive. 7 pages of text? And his likes of you took up, what? 2-3 at max?

 

I hope you guys have a good talk this weekend! Keep us updated! Try not to have sex with him.

Hehehe. I know that quote was mostly negative for me, but I just wanted to show that I picked something positive out of it. It's his choice if he isn't ready for commitment, anyway, and something I would have to accept. You have a good point that if he found someone he REALLY fell for, suddenly there would conveniently be less of a barrier to commitment. That's the nature of a FWB situation, though; they can always meet someone else, and then the FWB is over.

 

What, I just have a lot of things I like about him! That's all! Anyway, in my defense, it's hard not to be obsessive when things are unresolved like this, haha! I think our serious talk will do us a lot of good.

 

I hope we have a really good talk soon too! I will keep you guys updated! Thanks so much for your interest and help, everyone!

Edited September 18, 2010 by GooseChaser

[GooseChaser]

I have one more story! Well, while we've been involved during this year, we never had sex until exactly a week ago. We met up sporadically to "hang out", and often make out when we got to be alone. He has considered things when I bring them up to him. For example, he listened when I requested that we ensure more privacy when we made out. I sometimes felt uncomfortable making out in his car, and would restrict myself in movement when I thought there was any possibility that people could be watching, or at least around. I would try to stay below the level of the view of the car window. Lately he has worked to avoid the car and find more private locations. It was much more comfortable for me that way.

 

One day I decided I wouldn't let him act like he could have at me physically whenever he wanted. He asked me to go to lunch with him, and I KNEW that he would try to get physical on the way. He did try, twice, but I refused, because I was not comfortable with it, and wanted to stick to my guns. (I'm glad I did, too!) He wanted to know why I didn't want to kiss him, and I told him that I have respect for myself and don't want to be treated like a booty call. I think he respected me more after that, and I'm glad of it. Oh, and we had a nice lunch together afterward!

[GooseChaser]

Constant trends found throughout text messages:

• Attracted to me physically
  
• Pursuing me sexually
  
• Doesn't want me to get hurt
  
• Afraid that one of us will get too attached
  
• Knows that I am going far away for college in a year and concerned by that
  
• A good friend
  
• Wants the fun, but not the stress of a committed relationship; not ready to commit to a new girl yet
  
• We enjoy spending time together
  
• Believes in communication; outspoken, and will say what he thinks
  
• Has moral code sexually, willing to be exclusive or wait if the girl is not ready until she is comfortable
  
• "You never have to do anything you aren't comfortable with"
  
• Hurting from previous involvement with other girl, more cautious because of it; it really affected him (sensitive guy)
  
• Wants to be a person of honesty and integrity
  
• Taking school seriously
  
• Wants to take things "slow and easy"
  
• Small change of heart of sorts after asking, "Why are you attracted to me?" Becoming more interested in idea of pursuing something with me? Feels a bit closer to me?
  
• -- "Yea I'll go to the appointment with you"
  
• -- "We really have to talk, I don't know"
  
• -- "I don't know what to think"
  
• -- "Lets wait... and talk it through [on weekend]"
  
• -- "I am not committing myself to anything but school but if you want to fool around I am open"
  
• -- "Don't ever make an absolute decision at the start of liking someone. You hang with them in different places together, then you know if they really make you happy"
  
• -- "You can't rush things with people. That's why I screwed up with [girl]. I straight told her I loved her. I thought our communication was strong enough for her to understand."
  
• -- "That is a relationship FWB until two people really enjoy spending time together"
  

Edited September 18, 2010 by GooseChaser

[Star Gazer]

It's his choice if he isn't ready for commitment, anyway, and something I would have to accept.

 

He didn't say he isn't ready for commitment. He said he doesn't want one, and he said he doesn't want one in the context of having sex with you.

 

Don't you want to be with a guy, have sex with a guy, who wants to commit to you from the get go? Don't you think you deserve that?

 

And the way you're analyzing his texts... Eeeeek. Girl, you've got it all wrong. He's screaming "I want sex, I want sex, I want sex. Please me, give me what I want." Nothing more.

 

[*]"Why don't you come down to my place, we'll watch a movie. :-)"

[*]-- showing interest in spending time alone

 

Wrong. That's cue for "Come have sex with me at my place because that's where it's most convenient for me. I'm not taking you on a date, just come over and screw."

 

[*]"You never have to do anything you're not comfortable with."

[*]-- supportive, patient

[*]"I want your body haha"

[*]-- attracted to me physically

 

Wrong. That's him just trying to get you comfortable to giving him what he wants: free sex.

 

[*]"I'm lonely, broke, bored and cold. Come get me with your car lol"

[*]-- I didn't go.

 

This is him using you for even more than sex!

 

[*]"I want to make you feel sexy! B-) At least one of these days before school starts. My car's in the shop. Maybe I can come up there to your place or you can come down to my place. When are you free Goose let's have some fun."

[*]-- I didn't go.

[*]-- Note wording: "Have some fun". Fun = not serious

[*]-- Interested in spending time with me

 

Correct that "fun = not serious." Wrong about wanting to spend time with you. He just wants to get laid.

 

[*]"So what are you afraid of if things have gone too far. When I said relationship I meant friendship. I'm cool groups only. But you make it sound like you're afraid."

[*]-- Emphasis: not in a relationship

[*]-- Claims I'm afraid-- trying to add pressure to put out?

 

Repeat: He does not want a relationship with you.

 

[*]"You know I think making out with you just made you a closer friend, Goose, cause I understand you more and I have more love for you as a friend. :-)"

[*]"Are you becoming attached to me Goose? Because I enjoy foreplay with you, but I don't want things to go overboard friends right?"

[*]"You're a wonderful friend and I want you to have sexual freedom"

[*]"This is sexual stimulation though I am not in love with you. And I must tell you to be an honest person. Sex is fun but I am a little concerned cause I am your first"

[*]"I want you and me to have fun feel good and not be troubled emotionally because that's when GPAs fall and that sucks :-("

[*]"Come and have fun if you're confident, but I don't want to hurt you ok. It's a horrible feeling and I would not wish it on my worst enemy."

[*]"I am still worried you will get too attached and be hurt when you go to Cornell I don't want history to repeat itself... we will talk more but I just want reassurance that's all"

[*]"You're not hurt are you?"

[*]"Just hit me up when you want attention; don't stress yourself with guys if you don't want to. You need more friends, Goose, or sex?"

[*]"But if a person is not in love you still want attention and sex, what you want me to be is a **** buddy that's fine but it needs to be taken in small doses so you don't get hurt"

[*]"I am not attracted to you I was horny and you were too and that is fun. But I will not lead you on because I don't want to hurt you. But now I feel it's too late :-("

[*]"Are you hurt, Goose? I asked if you wanted sexual freedom I don't mind."

[*]"Yeah I was about to say those exact words FRIENDS with benefits."

[*]"We have to make rules; if I need space we stop for a while. I did this once; it's complicated to balance"

[*]"I am going to west Hollywood with a couple friends from Calc you want to come? You're not in a relationship if you have sex with someone. I am not committing myself to anything but school but if you want to fool around I am open. And don't flaunt your business on facebook people talk too much ****."

[*]"You want to fool around?"

 

I was going to "rebut" the remainder of your interpretations line by line...but really, he told you everything you need to hear, particularly what I underlined. But you. are. not. listening.

[GooseChaser]

What do you guys think of how much time and attention he's putting into me? Is that a good thing? There is a clear, steady increase of attention from June to September. That can't be insignificant.

[Star Gazer]

What do you guys think of how much time and attention he's putting into me? Is that a good thing? There is a clear, steady increase of attention from June to September. That can't be insignificant.

 

It means he wants more sex. Nothing more.

 

He told you he's not even attracted to you, he was just horny. You want a relationship with...that?!?!

[GooseChaser]

He didn't say he isn't ready for commitment. He said he doesn't want one, and he said he doesn't want one in the context of having sex with you.

 

Don't you want to be with a guy, have sex with a guy, who wants to commit to you from the get go? Don't you think you deserve that?

 

And the way you're analyzing his texts... Eeeeek. Girl, you've got it all wrong. He's screaming "I want sex, I want sex, I want sex. Please me, give me what I want." Nothing more.

 

 

 

Wrong. That's cue for "Come have sex with me at my place because that's where it's most convenient for me. I'm not taking you on a date, just come over and screw."

 

 

 

Wrong. That's him just trying to get you comfortable to giving him what he wants: free sex.

 

 

 

This is him using you for even more than sex!

 

 

 

Correct that "fun = not serious." Wrong about wanting to spend time with you. He just wants to get laid.

 

 

 

Repeat: He does not want a relationship with you.

 

 

 

I was going to "rebut" the remainder of your interpretations line by line...but really, he told you everything you need to hear, particularly what I underlined. But you. are. not. listening.

I don't know, the big text analysis thing was just me thinking out loud. I still know that he probably doesn't want to be serious, and that's probably what matters. I wish I could find someone who wanted more, though.

[GooseChaser]

It means he wants more sex. Nothing more.

 

He told you he's not even attracted to you, he was just horny. You want a relationship with...that?!?!

Haha I don't know if I believe that he isn't attracted to me at all, that seems like BS to me. Who says he wasn't horny when I came over because of the fact that I was coming over? Maybe I'm not the body type he usually goes for, dunno....

 

But people here don't seem to want to be positive or optimistic about this, leaning more towards the reality that he only wants one thing. I guess I should take the hint.

[Star Gazer]

I don't know, the big text analysis thing was just me thinking out loud. I still know that he probably doesn't want to be serious, and that's probably what matters. I wish I could find someone who wanted more, though.

 

There's no "probably" here. He doesn't want a relationship, period. He wants to f***. He even uses the word f*** in his texts to you. He doesn't even try to dance around and pretend that he's interested in you for more than just f***king.

 

This is so frustrating to watch, I can't even tell you. You're grasping at straws, twisting his words into something positive when it's not. Take him at his word. He wants sex and a good time, without any attachment or relationship. You simply cannot expect OR HOPE for more, because it's not going to change...

[Star Gazer]

But people here don't seem to want to be positive or optimistic about this, leaning more towards the reality that he only wants one thing. I guess I should take the hint.

 

Because there's nothing to be positive or optimistic about, I'm afraid. You're doing a REALLY good job of remaining upbeat and positive, but it is what it is...the writing is on the wall. It's no different than a black man telling you he's black, and you hoping that he'll eventually turn white (or vice versa). It is what it is, he is who he is, this "situation" is what it is.