Growing closer to friend, but barrier there against emotional investment

[GooseChaser]

Maybe I should just call it off then. He clearly doesn't care enough to go for a real relationship and make it work at this point. I've already agreed to being friends with benefits, though. We're not really committed to each other in that arrangement, though, so it would probably be all right to just say goodbye and that would be that, right?

 

You guys are right. I want love, and I shouldn't settle for less. If he wants me, he can come get me! All part of the chase, eh? And then he doesn't just get the chance to become comfortable with that lesser type of relationship and decide it is enough, and therefore come to the conclusion that he doesn't need to go for more!

 

Thank you, guys! You make very good points!

[LisaLee]

OK, an "exclusive fWB" doesn't even make sense. The whole idea of a FWB means that you are nothing more than his f)(k buddy. No offense. And honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if he only agreed to it just so you would have sex with him. You may have an agreement that he has sex with only you, but he is free to pursue a more meaningful relationship with someone else. Meaning he can sleep with you but woo someone else. Is that what you want?

 

The way to win a man is not through sleeping with him. FWB almost never ends well because one partner always wants more than the other is willing to give. Maybe I am a prude, but I also never understood why a girl would allow herself to be nothing more than a guy's sex doll.

 

Also, there is no reason for him to change his FB status. You are not his girlfriend, just someone he sleeps with when he gets the urge. He is as single as they come.

 

I do not mean to sound harsh, GooseChaser, but I don't think this will end well for you... especially since the guy is so adamant he does not want to be in a relationship with you.

[GooseChaser]

I texted him basically saying what I wrote in the previous post: if we are to be involved, he should acknowledge it publicly and not keep it a secret. We are exclusive, and therefore no longer single. Our facebook relationship statuses should reflect that if we are to continue. I suggested that he take time to focus on school and get over the other girl he's been pining for (who doesn't want anything to do with him anymore), and if he wants to try again, he can come back to me about it. I also asked him if he really cared about us or if he would just prefer to end it, because he doesn't seem to be very serious about it right now.

 

He responded, saying that he "doesn't know what to think, and I have two tests so let's wait until I am done and talk it through Friday Saturday Sunday." He sounds conflicted, aww. Well, I'm looking forward to talking to him this weekend. From what he said, it sounds like there might be a chance that he is interested. Who knows.

[LisaLee]

He sounds pressured.

[GooseChaser]

He sounds pressured.

I'm not trying to pressure him. Maybe I am, though. I have been thinking about that, though, and I think it would be a good idea for me to lighten up on him, and if he is interested, he'll come to me on his own. I think he just sees relationships as more stress than fun, and it scares him a little. He's had a few bad experiences with them too.

 

I'll do my best to not pressure him. Maybe that will help. I know that when people want commitment, they might start putting pressure on the other person to commit, and that actually makes them less likely to be comfortable committing, so it's counter-productive! I guess you just have to have patience and just have hope.

[GooseChaser]

He sounds pressured.

Is the pressure all me, or is some of it just his circumstances, like the tests? What in his message in particular suggests being pressured? How can I lighten up the pressure so he can feel more comfortable and free to act?

[LisaLee]

I texted him basically saying what I wrote in the previous post: if we are to be involved, he should acknowledge it publicly and not keep it a secret. We are exclusive, and therefore no longer single. Our facebook relationship statuses should reflect that if we are to continue. I suggested that he take time to focus on school and get over the other girl he's been pining for (who doesn't want anything to do with him anymore), and if he wants to try again, he can come back to me about it. I also asked him if he really cared about us or if he would just prefer to end it, because he doesn't seem to be very serious about it right now.

 

No pressure?

 

Honey, you are just his FWB, you really had no right to text that to him. IMO.

[GooseChaser]

No pressure?

 

Honey, you are just his FWB, you really had no right to text that to him. IMO.

We may be FWB, but we are exclusive FWB. That makes a difference, because often, FWB aren't exclusive. Being exclusive, we aren't exactly single. I think "It's complicated" seems a bit more accurate. However, if he really doesn't think that's appropriate, I guess that would be fine; I guess I just want to know we're going somewhere. If we don't get closer to dating or a relationship within a certain amount of time, say a month or two, I'm going to cut it off, since FWB relationships aren't meant to last a long time. Ultimately, I will hope for more than FWBs. Real relationships are more stable and long-lived.

[LisaLee]

Doesn't matter if you are "exclusive" FWB. Fact of the matter is, he is NOT in a relationship with you. All he promised is that he will NOT have sex with someone else. That does not mean he cannot look for other girls, date other girls, pursue other girls. And if he does that you have no right to be upset. Because you are just exclusively having sex with him. That's it. You are his go to sex partner, nothing more nothing less. He is not dating you, he is not in a relationship with you.

 

You are equating having sex with someone as being in a meaningful committed relationship. That is not the case at all.

 

 

You should ask this question in the dating section. Those guys have tons of experience with FWB, much more than I. They would know better, but I tend to think they'd agree with me.

 

If he is your first relationship I really think you are setting a bad pattern for future relationships by using sex as a tool to win the guy.

[GooseChaser]

No pressure?

 

Honey, you are just his FWB, you really had no right to text that to him. IMO.

Heck, in a way that was meant to put some pressure on, I admit. It was necessary pressure, though, because that is something that I NEED if we are to be friends with benefits. If people look at his profile and see his status as single, they will assume that he is free to date. However, he has agreed to only see me, and so the status of single is no longer true. He is not free to date anyone under our current conditions. I thought it would be fair to ask that he post "it's complicated" so that people at least can infer that there may be someone he's seeing or something. I'd like to have that kind of recognition, being exclusive, even if it doesn't list my name.

[GooseChaser]

Doesn't matter if you are "exclusive" FWB. Fact of the matter is, he is NOT in a relationship with you. All he promised is that he will NOT have sex with someone else. That does not mean he cannot look for other girls, date other girls, pursue other girls. And if he does that you have no right to be upset. Because you are just exclusively having sex with him. That's it. You are his go to sex partner, nothing more nothing less. He is not dating you, he is not in a relationship with you.

 

You are equating having sex with someone as being in a meaningful committed relationship. That is not the case at all.

 

 

You should ask this question in the dating section. Those guys have tons of experience with FWB, much more than I. They would know better, but I tend to think they'd agree with me.

 

If he is your first relationship I really think you are setting a bad pattern for future relationships by using sex as a tool to win the guy.

I know. You have a good point that he can date other people. Well, maybe it would be okay if he stayed listed as single if he felt it was best that way.

 

Also, if he does start seeing another girl, the FWB with him will be over. I would get jealous.

[LisaLee]

Heck, in a way that was meant to put some pressure on, I admit. It was necessary pressure, though, because that is something that I NEED if we are to be friends with benefits. If people look at his profile and see his status as single, they will assume that he is free to date. However, he has agreed to only see me, and so the status of single is no longer true. He is not free to date anyone under our current conditions. I thought it would be fair to ask that he post "it's complicated" so that people at least can infer that there may be someone he's seeing or something. I'd like to have that kind of recognition, being exclusive, even if it doesn't list my name.

 

Ok, what are you current conditions? Because just from what you have told us he is free to date!

[GooseChaser]

Ok, what are you current conditions? Because just from what you have told us he is free to date!

Sorry, I probably said that wrong. Yes, he is free to date. He has just promised to only have sex with me, which is something. That's all. I know that it does not equate to a relationship, and that he will continue looking for others. I see the FWB situation as a way for us to get to know each other better and possibly something to lead to a relationship, if that's what we both want. If nothing comes of it, we will end it after a period of time.

 

Would you say that friends with benefits is one of the types of relationships that is closer to being a real relationship? Could that change happen?

Edited September 16, 2010 by GooseChaser

[GooseChaser]

If he is your first relationship I really think you are setting a bad pattern for future relationships by using sex as a tool to win the guy.

I'm realistic and know how important sex is to men. It is not manipulation; it is nature. If it gets some hormones and chemicals working to my advantage, all the better. All's fair in love and war. I've known him for a long time, anyway, so I trust him and feel safe doing that.

Edited September 16, 2010 by GooseChaser

[LisaLee]

I see the FWB situation as a way for us to get to know each other better and possibly something to lead to a relationship, if that's what we both want.

 

I'm realistic and know how important sex is to men. It is not manipulation; it is nature. If it gets some hormones and chemicals working to my advantage, all the better.

 

So sad that you think that way. It is manipulation, it is not nature! I did not snag my SO by sleeping with him and then coercing him into a relationship with me.

 

It is not manipulation... If it gets some hormones and chemicals working to my advantage, all the better.

 

So if this isn't manipulation then pray tell, what is it?

 

Would you say that friends with benefits is one of the types of relationships that is closer to being a real relationship? Could that change happen?

 

No. A FWB means he likes you enough to get laid, but not enough to be in a committed loving relationship with you. I don't know if the change could happen, I suppose anything could... but from what you have said he does not sound like he's interested in fostering a relationship with you beyond sex. But who knows! You could have put just enough pressure on him at this point to make him say "ahh, forget it" and buckle.

[GooseChaser]

I just sent him this message (I hope it helps lighten the pressuring tone a bit): "Well, _______, you don't have to change your relationship status if you feel that "single" is best. Do what you want to about that. No pressure. :)"

 

Better?

[GooseChaser]

I don't think he feels over-pressured yet; he says he wants to talk.

 

Okay, maybe it is manipulative. Is that a crime? But, it is nature working too, I think!

[LisaLee]

LOL, I would leave it at that... but seriously, I am going to ask this question in the dating section if you don't mind. Because now I am curious as to what others will say!

[GooseChaser]

LOL, I would leave it at that... but seriously, I am going to ask this question in the dating section if you don't mind. Because now I am curious as to what others will say!

Sure, go ahead! I'd love to see the answers you get too!

 

I'm curious, though, do you think I'd get a better result if I abstained altogether until we were at least dating?

[LisaLee]

 

I'm curious, though, do you think I'd get a better result if I abstained altogether until we were at least dating?

 

I honestly don't know... but I do think if you want a LTR with him you should build your emotional connection over your physical one. Being long time friends doesn't count, you want him to see you in a different light from here on out. I don't think abstaining hurts anything.

[GooseChaser]

I honestly don't know... but I do think if you want a LTR with him you should build your emotional connection over your physical one. Being long time friends doesn't count, you want him to see you in a different light from here on out. I don't think abstaining hurts anything.

Yeah, I'll try to build that emotional bond as well as our attraction. I'll keep your advice in mind, because I think it is smart.

[LisaLee]

Ha, thanks... good luck with that, keep us updated. I have to go to my Hinduism class now. While going back and forth with you I was doing homework and finishing up reading the Ramayana (which is not an easy read). My most impressive multitasking to date.

[GooseChaser]

Ha, thanks... good luck with that, keep us updated. I have to go to my Hinduism class now. While going back and forth with you I was doing homework and finishing up reading the Ramayana (which is not an easy read). My most impressive multitasking to date.

Thank you for your time! Enjoy your class!

[daisymae]

I see the FWB situation as a way for us to get to know each other better and possibly something to lead to a relationship, if that's what we both want. If nothing comes of it, we will end it after a period of time.

 

I'm realistic and know how important sex is to men. It is not manipulation; it is nature. If it gets some hormones and chemicals working to my advantage, all the better. All's fair in love and war. I've known him for a long time, anyway, so I trust him and feel safe doing that.

 

Hey GC-

I know Lisa Lee already stressed these points, but I just want to add an extra warning...

 

Please try not to look at sex as a way to get into a relationship! I did for a couple years, when I was just a couple years younger than you (it makes me feel old to say that, but it really wasn't all that long ago!). I had just gotten into college, and after meeting a few people there, thought that was how people my age got into relationships.. it was different than high school, right (so naive.)? I was looking for something that would last, got strung along for a couple of years, and ended up feeling very used and hurt, without ever getting the romance I wanted and deserved.

 

Sexuality and attraction are natural and important in relationships, but are by no means the only thing that counts. And sexuality and attraction DO NOT EQUAL sex (although they lead to it when the time is right). That goes for both men and women, even though the hormones are different. If this guy won't be with you without having sex, then there is a darn good chance he won't come around even with sex involved.

 

Think about your situation with as clear a head as you can, without too many clouds from your feelings for him. Is this FWB situation mutually beneficial? Is he meeting your needs too? Try not to get yourself hurt, ok?

[spiderowl]

Only thing I would say, Goosechaser, is that if a man wants to sleep with you, he is likely to want it to be exclusive. This does not mean he is offering anything more and it would be a mistake to assume that. It is different to him wanting to be up front about dating you and where you would be his exclusive girlfriend. One is saying, I'm happy to have sex with you but don't really want the competition or knowledge that you are also doing likewise with others. The other is saying he recognises you as a significant person in his life and is proud to make this known to others. He wants you there and doesn't want to lose you.

 

Having said the above, in th early stages of a relationship he may not be sure whether you are right for each other and want to see how it goes before making any commitment. From what you say though, this isn't a new relationship so he should have a pretty good idea by now of what status you have in his life. Don't make the assumption that this FWB exclusivity is the same as have feelings for you. I'm not saying he doesn't have feelings for you, but a sexual relationship and exclusivity does not mean emotional involvement and commitment necessarily.