online dating is addictive!

[shadowplay]

This fellow online wanted to meet you. You agreed. You set up how to proceed once you got back. The needless endless online prattle isn't something I think most men enjoy. I don't enjoy it either, generally, so I understand that. Most folks who actually do feel ready to go on dates from the site just want to get out in person and see if there's something useful or not. He isn't realizing how important IM still is to you, likely, because you've already talked about meeting.

 

Yeah, you're probably right.

 

On another note, I've spoken with the other two guys I was considering meeting a bit more, and feeling more wary of seeing them.

 

The 22-year-old seems pretty judgmental based on some of the things he's said about other girls he's met. The PhD dude is very insecure. He keeps talking to me about how his female friends on the site are really impressed by guys with ab pics and asking me if I'm into that. Then he kept fishing for how many other guys I was interested in. Eh. I'm pretty confident that neither would click with me. Doesn't seem like it's worth the worry or trouble, and realistically I do worry a lot before a first date.

 

I think I'll just meet that one dude for now and see if I get any new matches.

[dispatch3d]

haha man the bitterness in this thread is pretty funny.

 

Seriously what things do you look for in guys profiles? The phd guy sounds super-insecure. I'm starting to think girls generally screen on completely arbritrary **** that doesn't mean anything.

 

That post about your insecurities. My brain actually had a hard time wrapping itself around the headspace you were in. As in I was reading the words and couldn't fully comprehend them. If it makes you feel better self-awareness helps!

 

Stuff like this would be one of the main reasons I put very little effort into online dating. I think I can find better prospects in real life and would prefer to work on that aspect than the online dating one.

[dispatch3d]

also pretty shocked you showed your mom some guys profiles to get her opinion. I would never in a millino years give two ****s what anyone else thought about a girl I liked. MAYYYBBEEE my roomate but even then I think I just wouldn't ask him (**** don't ruin **** for me would be my thinking). The thought of asking my mom is so out to lunch for me.

[zengirl]

Yeah, you're probably right.

 

On another note, I've spoken with the other two guys I was considering meeting a bit more, and feeling more wary of seeing them.

 

The 22-year-old seems pretty judgmental based on some of the things he's said about other girls he's met. The PhD dude is very insecure. He keeps talking to me about how his female friends on the site are really impressed by guys with ab pics and asking me if I'm into that. Then he kept fishing for how many other guys I was interested in. Eh. I'm pretty confident that neither would click with me. Doesn't seem like it's worth the worry or trouble, and realistically I do worry a lot before a first date.

 

I think I'll just meet that one dude for now and see if I get any new matches.

 

Okay, THAT is not too picky to me. I'm mature enough to know not to talk about other men or other dates with a potential date, so I expect the same. I have a very clear boundary with that one. But it sounds like they're just doing the same -- worrying loads before a first date. That turns me off, personally.

 

Honestly, I think those questions are so silly. Nobody should be investing anything in a person they haven't even met! So, why are they asking?

[shadowplay]

Okay, THAT is not too picky to me. I'm mature enough to know not to talk about other men or other dates with a potential date, so I expect the same. I have a very clear boundary with that one. But it sounds like they're just doing the same -- worrying loads before a first date. That turns me off, personally.

 

Honestly, I think those questions are so silly. Nobody should be investing anything in a person they haven't even met! So, why are they asking?

 

I'm sure I'm as insecure as they are, but I think there's an important distinction between somebody who lets their insecurities hang all out with people they barely know vs somebody who has good boundaries.

[shadowplay]

haha man the bitterness in this thread is pretty funny.

 

Seriously what things do you look for in guys profiles? The phd guy sounds super-insecure. I'm starting to think girls generally screen on completely arbritrary **** that doesn't mean anything.

 

 

Usually, I look for a guy I find physically attractive who seems reasonably intelligent and has some common interests.

 

It can be hard to tell other personality traits like confidence level from a profile.

[shadowplay]

People are saying I'm not ready to meet anyone in person, but I'm not sure how to get to a place where I am ready. I've been pushing myself so hard this summer since the breakup. The only place I failed was maintaining contact with my ex. Yet my self esteem hasn't recovered. If anything, it's gone down a notch since I started this waitressing job. Blah.

[kdark]

People are saying I'm not ready to meet anyone in person, but I'm not sure how to get to a place where I am ready. I've been pushing myself so hard this summer since the breakup. The only place I failed was maintaining contact with my ex. Yet my self esteem hasn't recovered. If anything, it's gone down a notch since I started this waitressing job. Blah.

 

"There's no such thing as ready. Only willing."

 

I personally don't ever have that "A-Ha" moment when I know I'm ready to start meeting people. I'm always teetering on the edge between between loathing it and putting up with it. On my bad days, I just do my own thing. But on my good days, to take advantage of my good mood, I'll make plans, be social, or go on a date.

 

Sitting inside all day sulking isn't going to help either. Trust me I've tried it.

[SadandConfusedWA]

You are ready Shadow. Nothing bad can come from it. You can't just seclude yourself from life until your issues are healed. At the very least you will learn how to converse and flirt with men better.

 

I have seen women where the only difference between them being hot messes and balanced, well functioning individuals was a good, stable LTR.

[zengirl]

haha man the bitterness in this thread is pretty funny.

 

Seriously what things do you look for in guys profiles? The phd guy sounds super-insecure. I'm starting to think girls generally screen on completely arbritrary **** that doesn't mean anything.

 

I really haven't seen any bitterness except the brief outburst from serenity. Shadow seems more insecure and uncertain than bitter to me. Which is perfectly natural when getting into the swing of something new.

 

Most girls I know screen on attraction, common interests, and basic qualities (intelligence, kindness, consideration, manners) that can be somewhat derived -- though not entirely -- from a profile. It doesn't sound like shadow is screening oddly. You can't know a person's boundaries from their profile. It's idiotic to think all girls care about is confidence. I'm sure if the fellow's profile had major insecurities, she'd have passed it. Profiles aren't full versions of a person.

 

People are saying I'm not ready to meet anyone in person, but I'm not sure how to get to a place where I am ready. I've been pushing myself so hard this summer since the breakup. The only place I failed was maintaining contact with my ex. Yet my self esteem hasn't recovered. If anything, it's gone down a notch since I started this waitressing job. Blah.

 

You ARE ready when you decide to do it. That's all you have to do. Really! And be okay with falling flat on your face, if it happens, and picking yourself up (but don't expect it----just know that, honestly, nothing really terrible can even happen!).

 

Issues don't heal in a vacuum.

 

I rarely got hit on when I was waitressing either, and I liked that. I'm a pretty girl and get flirted with plenty, mind you, but I conducted myself in a work-like (friendly but very "I'm somebody's daughter" manner. . . that's a Southern saying, but you get the idea) fashion, so mostly it was only uber-creepy people that would go there. Are you sure you aren't just more professional and classic than these girls that get flirted with oodles? (I always got tipped plenty, too. So it wasn't like they thought I was some cold-shoulder.)

[dispatch3d]

Usually, I look for a guy I find physically attractive who seems reasonably intelligent and has some common interests.

 

It can be hard to tell other personality traits like confidence level from a profile.

 

I can give examples of things (I think) show true personalities in people.

 

If they talk about material things. For example, some random girl at the bar was trying to convince this guy she used to work there. If a guy talks about his new bentley, says he has a phd in astrophysics (why the **** would he say that besides to impress you?), has lots of money, his friends are all cool, etc. = showing off and insecure.

 

You should also be screening for what you value in a relationship to see if they have it. Surely you're ideal guy isn't just intelligent+good looking? I mean, lots of guys message you. Why are so many of them failing to get replies? Given two guys of equal value, you should be replying to a guys first message rather than sending one yourself. If I had to guess I would assume you would assume they are more challenging (and thus more fun).

Ah I was playing cards with these two girls. One of them got to talking about a particular girl who was rude. I paid a lot of attention to how she handled this. She was first nice to her, then tried to just get along (by being nice), and stated at the end "not that she is someone I would associate with". The implications of the last thing are very good. It means she has a standard for friends she keeps and outs/throws out anyone who doesn't meet them....

[WintersNightTraveler]

If they talk about material things. For example [...] says he has a phd in astrophysics

 

This does not mean what you think it means.

[dispatch3d]

Most girls I know screen on attraction, common interests, and basic qualities (intelligence, kindness, consideration, manners) that can be somewhat derived -- though not entirely -- from a profile. It doesn't sound like shadow is screening oddly. You can't know a person's boundaries from their profile. It's idiotic to think all girls care about is confidence. I'm sure if the fellow's profile had major insecurities, she'd have passed it. Profiles aren't full versions of a person.

 

These are all things that can be screens if they are important to you. I am also getting the vibe she is either doing a poor jobs screening guys or not bothering to screen them at all.

 

It would be very very very hard to screen on confidence. I'm really not sure how you would. Ask them about their ambitions/career path and how they go about achieving things. Lol **** as if a girl has ever asked me a question as good as that to screen. (I have asked it, and it's a pretty damn good question....)

 

Your friends are very likely to look at relationships in a similar manner as you do.

 

As far as improving your self-esteem goes. Try a book called "Mind Lines". I can't remember who its by. You can find it in a torrent. It's a psychology book, on frames and reframing. Basically your frame right now is more insecure than it should be. With that book you should be able to reframe it. You'll also realize what limiting beliefs are+how to fix them.

 

Doing the same thing for 4 months and having your self esteem not improve is silly. Stop doing the same thing to fix it. Lots of girls are insecure and in relationships. Being insecure doesn't mean you shouldn't be in one. Not that I personally want to date someone insecure.

 

Independance is another big one woman especially should be screening on. The kind of guy that calls his mom 7 times a week is the wrong kind. If the guy cooks for himself, makes most of his own decisions, etc. then you probably have a good guy.

 

Anyhow just random thoughts. I don't date guys so I don't have a set of criteria I look for in them. As in I'm on the other side of the coin...

[dispatch3d]

This does not mean what you think it means.

 

that's a grammer mistake. You'll notice I make several of them.

[WintersNightTraveler]

that's a grammer mistake. You'll notice I make several of them.

 

No it's not.

 

Grammar would be if you had misplaced a comma, or constructed a sentence clause incorrectly.

 

You equated education level with a material thing. That is a fundamental error about the nature of education level. You cannot hand someone an education the way you could hand them a check, or the title for a Bentley.

 

It may seem picky, and perhaps it is, but the passive aggressive resentment of education on this site is annoying me today.

[dispatch3d]

No it's not.

 

Grammar would be if you had misplaced a comma, or constructed a sentence clause incorrectly.

 

You equated education level with a material thing. That is a fundamental error about the nature of education level. You cannot hand someone an education the way you could hand them a check, or the title for a Bentley.

 

It may seem picky, and perhaps it is, but the passive aggressive resentment of education on this site is annoying me today.

 

So it's an agreement error. I realize that. I would consider it a grammer mistake. Frankly you are missing the point. I don't care . I'm not writing messages on a grammer forum or studying to write sentence correction on a gmat. The substance of my message is more important than parallelism/subject agreement.

[WintersNightTraveler]

So it's an agreement error. I realize that. I would consider it a grammer mistake. Frankly you are missing the point. I don't care . I'm not writing messages on a grammer forum or studying to write sentence correction on a gmat. The substance of my message is more important than parallelism/subject agreement.

 

Well then grammar doesn't mean what you think it means either.

 

I am not missing your point. I would counter that whether someone has a PhD is a very relevant and legitimate concern to the OP. Much moreso than if they have a fancy car.

 

You don't want to consider that there is a substantial difference between the significance of Bentleys and diplomas so you are just trying to shrug it off as grammar or syntax when it's not.

 

It's not very common for people to flaunt their PhDs the way they might flaunt their material possessions. It was really just an odd set of things to parallelize.

[dispatch3d]

Well then grammar doesn't mean what you think it means either.

 

I am not missing your point. I would counter that whether someone has a PhD is a very relevant and legitimate concern to the OP. Much moreso than if they have a fancy car.

 

You don't want to consider that there is a substantial difference between the significance of Bentleys and diplomas so you are just trying to shrug it off as grammar or syntax when it's not.

 

It's not very common for people to flaunt their PhDs the way they might flaunt their material possessions. It was really just an odd set of things to parallelize.

 

The way the phd is presented is more important than actually having it. She did, afterall, next a guy with a phd because of him being insecure. I'm saying it was likely very easy to pickup on him being insecure from the simple fact he felt the need to state he had a phd.

 

I specifically said a "phd in astrophysics" for a reason as well. It's something that sounds smart. I don't tell people I want to be a nuclear engineer. Why the **** is the nuclear part relevant, besides me trying to sound smart? I tell them I'm an engineer, and I want to work in POWER. Not nuclear energy. That would be silly, unless they know things about nuclear and want to have a discussion on it it's just me trying to flaunt my hypothetical "bentley" at them. In many cases if the girl has an interest in that area, or has some sort of knowledge you will get asked further questions about engineering or what you want to do and you can go from there. I definitely prefer to give a simplified non-glorified talk up of what I would like to do with my career/what I am doing than being super-technical with a non-technical person.

 

Basically I think of it as one in the same. Telling someone people say you dress nice is just as insecure a behaviour as telling them you drive a bentley.

 

It's a matter of how he says it though. Much more important than what it actually is.

 

You are the one who initially started talking about grammer mistakes, not me, . If you were more clear I would have addressed your point, like I did above.

 

I do agree having a phd is more relevant than owning a bentley though. I wouldnt go out of my way to not say I had a phd, but I wouldn't go out of my way to talk up my phd further or whatever. I would just mention it in passing, especially if the site makes you specify what your degree level is. Like I said, it's a matter of how he presented he had a phd wayway more than the fact he said he had one.

[WintersNightTraveler]

The way the phd is presented is more important than actually having it. She did, afterall, next a guy with a phd because of him being insecure. I'm saying it was likely very easy to pickup on him being insecure from the simple fact he felt the need to state he had a phd.

 

We don't even know that he specifically mentioned to her it at all. On OKC, education level is part of the basic profile items that are usually displayed for everyone to see. In the OP's case, it was all the questioning about abdominal muscles that tipped her off, not the way he mentioned his PhD.

 

 

You are the one who initially started talking about grammer mistakes, not me,

 

No. The first use of the work "grammer" (or "grammar") was this post:

 

that's a grammer mistake. You'll notice I make several of them.

 

 

 

 

 

I definitely prefer to give a simplified non-glorified talk up of what I would like to do with my career/what I am doing than being super-technical with a non-technical person.

 

I also will deliberately shy away from mentioning my education unless specifically asked, from both concerns over this type of technical level mismatch and other concerns as well. Yes there are well educated pompous asses out there, but there's no real sign this PhD guy was one of them, and simply mentioning you have a PhD does not indicate you are a pompous ass. I think pompous in this case is more appropriate than insecure, since you can be pompous and confident (unfortunately).

 

We are derailing this thread, let's agree that pompous asses are to be avoided and leave it at that.

Edited August 17, 2010 by WintersNightTraveler

[ColdFox]

Shadowplay, I have been thinking of rejoining the dating world and trying an online dating site, so far I feel I'm too ambivalent/uncertain. Reading this thread is informative, thanks.

[zengirl]

If they talk about material things. For example, some random girl at the bar was trying to convince this guy she used to work there. If a guy talks about his new bentley, says he has a phd in astrophysics (why the **** would he say that besides to impress you?), has lots of money, his friends are all cool, etc. = showing off and insecure.

 

I talk about my dual Masters degree (just completed, so I'm excited about and probably especially talk about it now ) and the PhD I'm about to actively pursue. I do it because they demonstrate my sincere interests. Most people who seek higher level degrees, with a few exceptions (an M.B.A. strikes me as the most common "Oh, I might as well get it because my company is paying for it and I'll make some money" degree, though even that probably isn't the norm; I do know a few people who did that) are truly, completely, 100% passionate about what they get the degree in. It's not the same as owning a Bentley. That said, if a fellow owned something expensive because he sincerely loved it and thought it was just plain fascinating, that wouldn't seem materialistic or be a turnoff to me either. . . and I'm really not into material things. (I even go so far as to active hate diamonds and refused to consider a diamond engagement ring when I was engaged. Because I think the whole point of them -- or would be for me -- is just to be showy; I don't like the thing itself, for itself, so I'd never wear it.)

 

But I don't find my pricey education to be a "material" in this way at all. I paid a lot of hard-earned money for it because I wanted to better myself and actively learn these things. And I'll pay a hell of a lot and do a lot of work for the PhD. It's going to be a big part of who I am. I think you just don't know enough folks with PhDs honestly. Most of them are absolute nerds in whatever the topic is. . . because you generally have to be (or have some pressing need for the PhD for some reason) to put up with what it takes to get a PhD.

 

It would be very very very hard to screen on confidence. I'm really not sure how you would. Ask them about their ambitions/career path and how they go about achieving things. Lol **** as if a girl has ever asked me a question as good as that to screen. (I have asked it, and it's a pretty damn good question....)

 

This would be a really weird question to me. I definitely ask fellows about their passions and ambitions (because passions and interests are what make people most interesting) but I don't expect anyone to tell me their pattern of achievement. That sounds shallow and materialistic to me.

 

It may seem picky, and perhaps it is, but the passive aggressive resentment of education on this site is annoying me today.

 

Word.

 

So it's an agreement error. I realize that. I would consider it a grammer mistake. Frankly you are missing the point. I don't care . I'm not writing messages on a grammer forum or studying to write sentence correction on a gmat. The substance of my message is more important than parallelism/subject agreement.

 

. . . . it was the substance of your message. You re-stated it pretty clearly too beyond just using the word "material." You don't understand why else someone might talk about their education except to impress someone, when, in my experience, this is almost NEVER the reason extremely educated people talk about their educations. They don't think about education in that way. You know who does? Someone who resents extremely educated people. (Though of course the way one says it matters, but I generally don't think you really get it.)

Edited August 18, 2010 by zengirl