online dating is addictive!

[sb129]

Scrap the early to mid 20s. They are probably looking for fun and casual encounters.

 

I don't know about men in their mid thirties being too mature for you- you are pretty smart and can really hold your own in conversations about lots of things.

 

In fact, they may actually be good for you as men in their mid thirties don't tend to play games and can be a little more trustworthy IYKWIM.

 

My H was an idiot (by his own admission) until he turned 30. We met when he was 32 and I was 29, which was just right, but he can still have flashes of immaturity now!

[shadowplay]

Scrap the early to mid 20s. They are probably looking for fun and casual encounters.

 

I don't know about men in their mid thirties being too mature for you- you are pretty smart and can really hold your own in conversations about lots of things.

 

In fact, they may actually be good for you as men in their mid thirties don't tend to play games and can be a little more trustworthy IYKWIM.

 

My H was an idiot (by his own admission) until he turned 30. We met when he was 32 and I was 29, which was just right, but he can still have flashes of immaturity now!

 

My main concern with mid thirties guys is they're either divorcees, commitment-phobes or have some major issues that prevented them from every marrying.

 

I'd possibly be open to dating a divorcee, but not sure how I'd do with one. It's so far removed from my life experience.

[sb129]

They are still people!

 

Some CPs do reform too.

 

You know, you may not end up finding "the one" first time. Keep your expectations realistic. If you find the one, great. If not, keep looking.

 

Maybe he will sign up to OKC in December or something.

[shadowplay]

They are still people!

 

Some CPs do reform too.

 

You know, you may not end up finding "the one" first time. Keep your expectations realistic. If you find the one, great. If not, keep looking.

 

Maybe he will sign up to OKC in December or something.

 

Haha. Yeah, I'm not expecting too much out of it. The selection is pretty small after all. We'll see what happens.

[MyNameIsJonas]

So your mother is right.

 

You need to avoid men who are under the age of 25 at least.

 

You are 26 right?

 

I would probably be looking for men aged 28 or over. Then you have a much higher chance of finding someone who is looking for the same thing as you.

 

Be picky.

 

I'm 26 and I can actually attest to this. Most of my friends are idiots and don't really deserve 1/4 of the women they somehow manage to dig up on dates. I would consider myself the outlier of my age bracket as I am intelligent, active, and don't base my life on how much I am able to drink on a Friday/Saturday night. That being said, quality guys your age are out there, you just have to shift through the $h!t to get to them.

 

If you would like a positive guy's perspective on this, I've been on OKC, PoF and Match and what kills dates for me is when women lie on their pictures. My pictures are very accurate and recent and when I set up something with a woman just to find that her pictures don't equate into her actually physical state it just kills the mood of the date. I know it's shallow, but I can't see myself going anywhere with a girl if one of the underlying reasons I pitched the idea to meet up was based on a lie. So as long as your photos are recent, and it sounds like they are by what I've read so far, you should be good to go.

Edited August 16, 2010 by MyNameIsJonas
donkey

[shadowplay]

So far I've mostly been messaged by younger guys. Maybe it's that I look younger than I am (people usually assume I'm early twenties), or that older dudes are put off by the fact that I"m still finishing my undergrad. Who knows. Shrug.

 

Maybe I'll try sending out a few messages of my own and see where that goes.

[MyNameIsJonas]

Maybe I'll try sending out a few messages of my own and see where that goes.

 

That's probably a good call. I'm actually fairly passive about sending messages because I would send out a ton then not hear from any of them. I became a bit jaded and now I only send a message if I see a woman has looked at my profile several times in a short period of time (and even then I don't always get a response!). Plus, I actually am one of the few who gets the first message from women. Sending the first message may awaken some of the other passive quality guys like me on these sites.

 

Just be prepared for nonresponse and don't blame yourself if it happens. As I mentioned earlier, a lot of the guys my age are idiots.

[Serenitynow]

My main concern with mid thirties guys is they're either divorcees, commitment-phobes or have some major issues that prevented them from every marrying.

 

I'd possibly be open to dating a divorcee, but not sure how I'd do with one. It's so far removed from my life experience.

 

 

LOL The OP for this thread is hilarious. She is pre-judging guys by their age.

 

She must have magical powers to be able to read the minds of these guys and know who has what issues just by their age.

 

Does that special power work when you turn it around on yourself?

 

.

Edited August 16, 2010 by Serenitynow

[shadowplay]

LOL The OP for this thread is hilarious. She is pre-judging guys by their age.

 

She must have magical powers to be able to read the minds of these guys and know who has what issues just by their age.

 

Does that special power work when you turn it around on yourself?

 

.

 

If I attached a drain to the bottom of your posts, I could sell bitterness by the bottle.

[SadandConfusedWA]

If I attached a drain to the bottom of your posts, I could sell bitterness by the bottle.

 

 

BTW shadow, the guy I PM-ed you about on OKC was one I messaged first. I know that he turned out to have a girlfriend and be low interest BUT I honestly don't think that it had anything to do with me messaging him first.

 

I sent him a brief message and he responded immediatly with a looong one and kept contacting me once a day. He came across as somewhat smarmy online so I stopped responding to his messages completly for a few weeks. He ended up finding me on FB and pursued me with messages and IMs on both FB and OKC. He was also looking at my OKC profile multiple times a day. So at that stage, I really don't think that he was low interest. He was my exact physical type so I gave in and met him eventually.

 

I think that even if he was single, we still didn't connect well personality- wise.

 

Bottom line: you should message guys first that you find interesting - but let them take the lead from then on. If they are not that interested - you will be able to tell.

[zengirl]

I think I used to have some allure, but it apparently faded (just turned 27). I didn't think it would happen so fast. I stay thin and in good shape, try to dress well, wear make up, etc.

 

The guys with whom I'm in correspondence on OKC are all quite good looking. I can't imagine they would be attracted to me irl based on the response I seem to be getting as of late.

 

Well, they won't be attracted to you for long with this attitude, if they're handsome, intelligent, and not emotional ****wits themselves. Amongst my male friends "Women who kick the crap out of themselves" are the first group universally avoided for approaching. And, while I understand you are not saying this stuff in front of people, probably, it is always there. How would you feel if anyone else talked or thought this way about you? Why do you insist upon abusing yourself?

 

You should NOT be on a dating site if you dont have the balls to meet guys.

 

While Serenitynow expressed it in a needlessly angry way and made it about his own issues, to a degree he is right. If you don't have the stones to meet someone, why are you there? I don't think you're an attention-whore at all, and those issues are his, but it's a serious waste of time bothering with all of this and creating even more cognitive dissonance for yourself. Either work on a way to get yourself out there or give it up.

 

I had to look up "blue stocking" it apparently refers to an intelligent woman, why is that a bad thing?

 

With the Brits I know, it's generally like intelligent in a certain way -- too stern or spinster-esque or like "angry nerdy" to a degree. I can't explain it well, but I got what she means.

 

And, honestly, I don't think she's wholly wrong. There is something I see in shadow's posts sometimes that is wound very tightly. But, hey, it's the internet: This may or may not be true in life, of course. Generally being intelligent and appearing tightly wound on a date isn't going to get a gal anywhere. (This is not to say one should go in the opposite direction; balance is, of course, key.) But I've no idea how shadow acts on dates.

 

So your mother is right.

 

You need to avoid men who are under the age of 25 at least.

 

You are 26 right?

 

I would probably be looking for men aged 28 or over. Then you have a much higher chance of finding someone who is looking for the same thing as you.

 

Be picky.

 

I am 25 and date plenty of men around my own age. Two men in their mid-twenties age have proposed to me* (three if you count the one who offered to marry me on paper so I could get a UK visa, but I don't), as did my HS sweetheart. I know lots of friends who are married who have mates their own age who they met in college or after. It's pure myth that young men are all playing. Sure, some of the players settle down, but I prefer the ones who never played. Just me.

 

(*Granted, one of these was Korean, and they all propose young and early.)

 

In fact, I think if you're a girl who's willing to commit early enough yourself, I think the best fellows are ready for marriage well before 30 (if they meet the right girl). They're the ones who knew the wanted to be fathers and have a family fairly early in life and always preferred coupling to casual sex.

 

Not saying who not to date, but I think it's silly to limit fellows in their mid-twenties out of the game because they "aren't ready to commit." Plenty of them are, if they find someone who's compatible, and plenty of them do. And they weren't the ones who needed to "play around" loads first to come to that conclusion. How much cooler is that? If we're talking 22/23 or something, I might proceed with a bit more caution, but if the fellow is 24+ and likely has a career at least started and some stability post-college. . . he could just as easily be a stable candidate as any 30-something.

Edited August 16, 2010 by zengirl

[Myst]

its funny how the thread title is online dating is addictive when the OP hasnt actually dated anyone yet..geez get to the actual dating already

[zengirl]

Does anyone have any advice on how to get a girl to hook on an online dating site? To be honest I feel this whole online dating site puts most of the power in the hands of the women, who have more chumps 'winking' at them then they know what do to with.

 

In fact, I feel anyone in pick-up is a disadvantage because the number one advantage we have over other guys is the fact we actually approach the girls, in real life and not only online (shock surprise) where the risk of failure is low.

 

I've toyed different profiles... like in real life, being a nice guys is boring and will get you know nowhere. I tried constructing a real arrogant ******* profile and sending girls messages where my frame is for them to answer my questions, as I'm the prize.

 

This wouldn't work on me.

 

I approach fellows online who (1) Are cute (2) Have some common interests, (3) seem smart, and (4) if they message me, obviously read my profile. If they seem extra kind or positive, I'm way more likely to message them back.

 

And I am one of the "rare" (if it's true that many women online are reticent about meeting, which I think is true in various degrees) women who will generally meet a fellow without any giant mishmash about it in my head. The reason I will is because I know what I want. And any healthy, attractive gal who knows what they want doesn't want to work to win arrogant jerks.

[shadowplay]

Well, they won't be attracted to you for long with this attitude, if they're handsome, intelligent, and not emotional ****wits themselves. Amongst my male friends "Women who kick the crap out of themselves" are the first group universally avoided for approaching. And, while I understand you are not saying this stuff in front of people, probably, it is always there. How would you feel if anyone else talked or thought this way about you? Why do you insist upon abusing yourself?

 

 

 

While Serenitynow expressed it in a needlessly angry way and made it about his own issues, to a degree he is right. If you don't have the stones to meet someone, why are you there? I don't think you're an attention-whore at all, and those issues are his, but it's a serious waste of time bothering with all of this and creating even more cognitive dissonance for yourself. Either work on a way to get yourself out there or give it up.

 

 

 

With the Brits I know, it's generally like intelligent in a certain way -- too stern or spinster-esque or like "angry nerdy" to a degree. I can't explain it well, but I got what she means.

 

And, honestly, I don't think she's wholly wrong. There is something I see in shadow's posts sometimes that is wound very tightly. But, hey, it's the internet: This may or may not be true in life, of course. Generally being intelligent and appearing tightly wound on a date isn't going to get a gal anywhere. (This is not to say one should go in the opposite direction; balance is, of course, key.) But I've no idea how shadow acts on dates.

 

 

 

I am 25 and date plenty of men around my own age. Two men in their mid-twenties age have proposed to me* (three if you count the one who offered to marry me on paper so I could get a UK visa, but I don't), as did my HS sweetheart. I know lots of friends who are married who have mates their own age who they met in college or after. It's pure myth that young men are all playing. Sure, some of the players settle down, but I prefer the ones who never played. Just me.

 

(*Granted, one of these was Korean, and they all propose young and early.)

 

In fact, I think if you're a girl who's willing to commit early enough yourself, I think the best fellows are ready for marriage well before 30 (if they meet the right girl). They're the ones who knew the wanted to be fathers and have a family fairly early in life and always preferred coupling to casual sex.

 

Not saying who not to date, but I think it's silly to limit fellows in their mid-twenties out of the game because they "aren't ready to commit." Plenty of them are, if they find someone who's compatible, and plenty of them do. And they weren't the ones who needed to "play around" loads first to come to that conclusion. How much cooler is that? If we're talking 22/23 or something, I might proceed with a bit more caution, but if the fellow is 24+ and likely has a career at least started and some stability post-college. . . he could just as easily be a stable candidate as any 30-something.

 

Haha, I appear spinster-esque in my posts? Thanks...

 

I'm not abusing myself. I'm just being totally honest about my insecurities. Not only would I never talk about this with anyone in person, but I keep them pretty well hidden in my day to day. People may be able to detect that I'm insecure, but I doubt anyone who doesn't know me extremely well could know to what degree I sometimes feel low. (The few I've gotten close enough to have told have been genuinely surprised.) I think I lot of people have deep insecurities and fears that they never reveal to anyone, and would probably never discuss on here. I'm more candid about them online than most are, because I appreciate the outlet.

 

I've taken the online dating thing step by step. First I signed up, then I took a little while to add pics (which was a bit scary for me), now I'm messaging guys and trying to psych myself up to meeting them. I didn't go in knowing if I'd be able to make it all the way, just focusing on each step.

Edited August 16, 2010 by shadowplay

[zengirl]

Haha, I appear spinster-esque in my posts? Thanks...

 

No, and bluesocks aren't really spinsters. It's really hard to explain this well. I'm just saying that I think your insecurities are the type that could cause you to be seen as uptight in certain social situations and that being aware of this, without becoming more insecure and uptight, might help you. Though I've really no idea, as I said. Most of what I see in that particular expression (and I'm not British so maybe I miss parts as well though I've heard it before from Brits) is impossible to judge online!

 

I'm not abusing myself. I'm just being totally honest about my insecurities. Not only would I never talk about this with anyone in person, but I keep them pretty well hidden in my day to day.

 

Everyone thinks this. So few people actually do. They may transmute them into something else that appears unhealthy, but generally, I think this kind of thinking rips you apart like a blender. It's not the insecurities. . . it's the way of expressing them. I'm not sure I can analyze it well enough in words to explain it though. Of course everyone is insecure! I'm insecure. But I love and accept myself and the world totally, even my insecurities. I cannot begin to explain how this is possible, but part of that includes treating myself much nicer than that and separating these thoughts from me, which doesn't mean it is possible to somehow become a person without any insecurities, fears, or flaws.

 

As I said, this is one of those things it's hard to talk about on this forum. Really better done drunk on whiskey outside a temple or something atop a mountain, if at all.

 

I've taken the online dating thing step by step. First I signed up, then I took a little while to add pics (which was a bit scary for me), now I'm messaging guys and trying to psych myself up to meeting them. I didn't go in knowing if I'd be able to make it all the way, just focusing on each step.

 

Yes, and I think you'll eventually meet someone. I'm just saying don't close yourself off to the idea.

[sb129]

I am 25 and date plenty of men around my own age. Two men in their mid-twenties age have proposed to me* (three if you count the one who offered to marry me on paper so I could get a UK visa, but I don't), as did my HS sweetheart. I know lots of friends who are married who have mates their own age who they met in college or after. It's pure myth that young men are all playing. Sure, some of the players settle down, but I prefer the ones who never played. Just me.

 

(*Granted, one of these was Korean, and they all propose young and early.)

 

.

 

Point taken, was basing my posts on my own experience, and where I am from, most of the people I know decided to "settle down" at around age 30.

Also was the case when I lived in the UK.

In both countries though many of these relationships/ marriages started while both parties were in their mids 20s.

[a_woman]

I had to look up "blue stocking" it apparently refers to an intelligent woman, why is that a bad thing?

 

A blue stocking is someone who would remind you of a headmistress, an intelligent woman but who takes herself too seriously and forgets how to have fun. Cats don't help.

[shadowplay]

The one guy I really liked on OKC...I feel like his interest might have suddenly dropped.

 

It seemed high up until a day or two ago. He initiated messages and would always respond to mine immediately. He asked me to meet, I gave him my number, he gave me his, and I told him I was going to be away for a week (which I am at the moment, in my hometown), and we could see each when I got back.

 

He told me to call him up when I'm back, and that he was looking forward to meeting. I also gave him my aim screenname since he said it's usually easier to reach him there. He imed me almost immediately, but it was bad timing (I was about to run out the door). I was friendly, but told him I was just leaving, and that we should chat again the next time we're both on.

 

This was a few days ago, and I hadn't been on again since. I wanted to maintain some contact, so I signed on yesterday and his status was "away." I wrote him "hey" anyway, knowing he'd get the message later. He never responded. Then just now I signed on again, and his status was available. I wrote "hey!" again, and he didn't respond , then a minute or two later his status was changed to away.

 

How should I take this? It's so hard to tell interest when it's just virtual correspondence. I'm somebody who after a couple of bad experiences, makes it a policy of never chasing a guy who is low interest. Up until now, it didn't feel like I was chasing at all.

 

I sent him a friendly message just now asking how his weekend was and that we seem to keep missing each other on im. If he doesn't respond to this, I'll assume he lost interest (obviously).

 

I have this paranoid, gripping fear right now that plays into my BDD. It's that he saw me on the street around town before I left and decided I was too unattractive to meet in person. The other day I passed this guy sitting on a bench with someone else who looked at first glance a tiny, tiny bit like him, but I averted my eyes before I could tell. It could have easily been my mind playing tricks on me, since I kept worrying I'd run into him on the street before we actually met.

 

Man, if that's the case (he took a look at me and thought I was that bad) I can't see myself having the courage to meet anyone in person.

 

I hope I'm just being ridiculous as usual.

 

Well, I'll know soon enough if he lost interest, but I'll still be clueless as to why.

Edited August 16, 2010 by shadowplay

[sb129]

 

I have this paranoid, gripping fear right now that plays into my BDD. It's that he saw me on the street around town before I left and decided I was too unattractive to meet in person. The other day I passed this guy sitting on a bench with someone else who looked at first glance a tiny, tiny bit like him, but I averted my eyes before I could tell. It could have easily been my mind playing tricks on me, since I kept worrying I'd run into him on the street before we actually met. .

 

Shadow, on second thoughts I am not sure you are in a good head space to find online dating a positive experience.

 

I really do think you would benefit from working on yourself first rather than trying to find a R so desperately.

 

You are taking your paranoia and issues into the virtual world, and you really need to get rid of them IRL so they cease to be a problem for you.

[Star Gazer]

You're supposed to be busy/unavailable to meet, and yet you're trying to chat him up on IM? If that were happening to me, I'd be thinking, "GAMES"! and run the other direction.

 

That said, maybe he was just away from his computer? I get messages all the time from friends when I'm away from my computer...?

 

If you're not ready, willing, and able to meet these guys within a FEW short messages, you really shouldn't waste their time and should stop online dating. Really.

[shadowplay]

You're supposed to be busy/unavailable to meet, and yet you're trying to chat him up on IM? If that were happening to me, I'd be thinking, "GAMES"! and run the other direction.

 

That said, maybe he was just away from his computer? I get messages all the time from friends when I'm away from my computer...?

 

If you're not ready, willing, and able to meet these guys within a FEW short messages, you really shouldn't waste their time and should stop online dating. Really.

 

He imed me first a few days ago, and I was running out the door. I told him the next time we were both online we'd trya gain, which is why I imed him again.

[shadowplay]

Shadow, on second thoughts I am not sure you are in a good head space to find online dating a positive experience.

 

I really do think you would benefit from working on yourself first rather than trying to find a R so desperately.

 

You are taking your paranoia and issues into the virtual world, and you really need to get rid of them IRL so they cease to be a problem for you.

 

Yeah, I'm starting to think the same thing too. I'm really on the fence. I thought I was ready, but I'm noticing how this is stirring up all of my insecurities. I guess I don't know whether the best approach is to do it anyway and face my fears or just avoid. I'm reluctant to avoid, because that's what I've done all my life and since the breakup I've been pushing myself to stop avoiding.

[Star Gazer]

I really do think you would benefit from working on yourself first rather than trying to find a R so desperately.

 

Totally agree.

[Star Gazer]

He imed me first a few days ago, and I was running out the door. I told him the next time we were both online we'd trya gain, which is why I imed him again.

 

But you're supposed to be out of town??

 

Either way, I don't understand why you're thinking that his interest has dropped, just because he didn't respond to an IM (and you have ni idea whether he's even at his computer??)??

 

It just really concerns me that you're jumping to these conclusions and internalizing something that likely has nothing to do with you...

[zengirl]

The one guy I really liked on OKC...I feel like his interest might have suddenly dropped.

 

It seemed high up until a day or two ago. He initiated messages and would always respond to mine immediately. He asked me to meet, I gave him my number, he gave me his, and I told him I was going to be away for a week (which I am at the moment, in my hometown), and we could see each when I got back.

 

He told me to call him up when I'm back, and that he was looking forward to meeting. I also gave him my aim screenname since he said it's usually easier to reach him there. He imed me almost immediately, but it was bad timing (I was about to run out the door). I was friendly, but told him I was just leaving, and that we should chat again the next time we're both on.

 

This was a few days ago, and I hadn't been on again since. I wanted to maintain some contact, so I signed on yesterday and his status was "away." I wrote him "hey" anyway, knowing he'd get the message later. He never responded. Then just now I signed on again, and his status was available. I wrote "hey!" again, and he didn't respond , then a minute or two later his status was changed to away.

 

How should I take this? It's so hard to tell interest when it's just virtual correspondence. I'm somebody who after a couple of bad experiences, makes it a policy of never chasing a guy who is low interest. Up until now, it didn't feel like I was chasing at all.

 

I sent him a friendly message just now asking how his weekend was and that we seem to keep missing each other on im. If he doesn't respond to this, I'll assume he lost interest (obviously).

 

I have this paranoid, gripping fear right now that plays into my BDD. It's that he saw me on the street around town before I left and decided I was too unattractive to meet in person. The other day I passed this guy sitting on a bench with someone else who looked at first glance a tiny, tiny bit like him, but I averted my eyes before I could tell. It could have easily been my mind playing tricks on me, since I kept worrying I'd run into him on the street before we actually met.

 

Man, if that's the case (he took a look at me and thought I was that bad) I can't see myself having the courage to meet anyone in person.

 

I hope I'm just being ridiculous as usual.

 

Well, I'll know soon enough if he lost interest, but I'll still be clueless as to why.

 

This fellow online wanted to meet you. You agreed. You set up how to proceed once you got back. The needless endless online prattle isn't something I think most men enjoy. I don't enjoy it either, generally, so I understand that. Most folks who actually do feel ready to go on dates from the site just want to get out in person and see if there's something useful or not. He isn't realizing how important IM still is to you, likely, because you've already talked about meeting.