online dating is addictive!

[zengirl]

Agreed!

 

Besides, online dating is for women because a good majority of the men posting ads (not all, but a lot) are either married or dating and are looking for something else.

 

Food for thought....

 

I met my ex on OKCupid and another one found me on Match (though we knew each other before). Both good fellows. Both want to get married. One has gotten married to a friend of mine. One proposed to me, but things just didn't line up. Just met a new fellow -- though he'd seen me before too -- through OKCupid in the city I'm moving to in a few days. We have mutual friends, he's a good guy, and we've been video chatting like mad.

 

You've got to have a people-picker just like anywhere, but I find there are lots of cute, nerdy, shy guys online. Which is totally my type. I usually have to write them, though, I think. They need some sign of interest because. . . shyness.

[CaliGuy]

I met my ex on OKCupid and another one found me on Match (though we knew each other before). Both good fellows. Both want to get married. One has gotten married to a friend of mine. One proposed to me, but things just didn't line up. Just met a new fellow -- though he'd seen me before too -- through OKCupid in the city I'm moving to in a few days. We have mutual friends, he's a good guy, and we've been video chatting like mad.

 

You've got to have a people-picker just like anywhere, but I find there are lots of cute, nerdy, shy guys online. Which is totally my type. I usually have to write them, though, I think. They need some sign of interest because. . . shyness.

 

Well I am not really shy but definitely cute and nerdy. I still belong to PoF but rarely ever initiate emails anymore (stopped about a year ago). I figure there are few women out there who appreciate a guy my type so if they're interested, they'll contact me.

 

I'm probably in the 1% bracket, lol and that is OK with me. I'm not out to impress the world...

[shadowplay]

I met my ex on OKCupid and another one found me on Match (though we knew each other before). Both good fellows. Both want to get married. One has gotten married to a friend of mine. One proposed to me, but things just didn't line up. Just met a new fellow -- though he'd seen me before too -- through OKCupid in the city I'm moving to in a few days. We have mutual friends, he's a good guy, and we've been video chatting like mad.

 

You've got to have a people-picker just like anywhere, but I find there are lots of cute, nerdy, shy guys online. Which is totally my type. I usually have to write them, though, I think. They need some sign of interest because. . . shyness.

 

Interesting. I usually just respond to messages I get. I've sent out a total of like 2-3 messages I think. Maybe it's my own insecurity, but I assume if a guy is really interested he'll message me. I think I'm afraid of getting in a situation where I'm meeting up with a guy who is low interest to start. But maybe I'm being silly, and should send out more messages.

[shadowplay]

Agreed!

 

Besides, online dating is for women because a good majority of the men posting ads (not all, but a lot) are either married or dating and are looking for something else.

 

Food for thought....

 

I would be surprised if that were true for guys in my area. It's a small community with a number of people on OKC, and it would be relationship suicide for a committed guy to put his profile up, clear pics and all.

[zengirl]

Interesting. I usually just respond to messages I get. I've sent out a total of like 2-3 messages I think. Maybe it's my own insecurity, but I assume if a guy is really interested he'll message me. I think I'm afraid of getting in a situation where I'm meeting up with a guy who is low interest to start. But maybe I'm being silly, and should send out more messages.

 

Yeah, I'm not really scared of a fellow saying I'm not his cuppa. So, I've never been bothered about approaching him. I don't worry about a guy's interest level at all once we're dating----if he's interested (and I reciprocate), we'll keep going out, he'll express said interest, and we'll become a couple eventually. If he's not interested, the world won't stop turning. Dating is just getting to know someone.

 

I think the interest required is only the amount needed to get to the next stage---get them to message you back, get them to go out with you, etc. It's going to evolve, grow, shrink, whatever, anyway. But I'm not fragile, and rejection doesn't cripple me. It disappoints me. Sometimes it even stings. But it's like a scratch that needs a band aid. Some people tend to feel it like a steel rod through their midsection or something.

 

I've written fellows messages who didn't even write me back. I didn't cry into my pillow about it.

 

I contacted the guy I'm kind-of-sorta planning on seeing (it's so weird, this continents apart video-chatting thing, and I'll be happy when I'm on U.S. soil and can really assess it), but he recognized me (I totally didn't recognize him) from seeing me before. He definitely does not have a low interest and remembered wanting to ask me out two years ago and telling some mutual friends this several times. Not in a creepy been pining for me way, but in a, "Wow, I never would've approached that girl!" way.

Edited August 14, 2010 by zengirl

[shadowplay]

I don't know if I have the confidence to meet anyone right now. I keep going back and forth. My confidence has taken a nose dive since my ex dumped me. It also hasn't helped that I'm routinely ignored/rejected by guys in real life, while they lavish attention on friends or other girls I'm around. This summer I've been forcing myself to get out more, as self improvement, and one of the downsides has been seeing my biggest anxiety about getting ignored come to pass. Unfortunately pushing myself in this regard has only chipped away at my self confidence, while it was supposed to have the opposite effect.

 

I think I mentioned awhile back that this happens to me at my waitressing job. My cute coworker is routinely flirted with by guys, while they look right through me. Not a single fellow has flirted with me ever there, and I try to be friendly and smile.

 

I think I used to have some allure, but it apparently faded (just turned 27). I didn't think it would happen so fast. I stay thin and in good shape, try to dress well, wear make up, etc.

 

The guys with whom I'm in correspondence on OKC are all quite good looking. I can't imagine they would be attracted to me irl based on the response I seem to be getting as of late. Tons of young couples come into my restaurant. The average-to-above guys are invariably paired with even more attractive girlfriends. I can't recall ever seeing a couple where the girlfriend was less attractive. In fact, it's not common to see pairings where the girl isn't more attractive than her boyfriend, unless he's very good-looking. I found out one of my annoying, borderline unattractive male coworkers hooked up with this really hot girl. Given how superficial men apparently are, how do I stand a chance?

 

I can only assume that I must look way better in my pics. This was my biggest fear going in. They're just clear, straight-faced pics from my webcam (I posted 4), I tried to be as honest as possible, but something is getting improved in translation.

 

I've tried to talk to my therapist about my BDD, but she kind of brushes past the subject.

 

I know that if I go on my first OKC date and the guy rejects me, it will hurt like hell. I'll recover, but my self esteem will be a peg lower. I doubt I'd go on another date after that, but if I somehow summoned up the courage to and got rejected again (or worse over and over), I can't imagine what'd that do. It's hard for me to imagine feeling lower than I do now. Sure, if I had one successful date or met somebody on there despite a few rejections, I'd be OK, but that's not the way I think it will go. And I don't know if it's worth the risk.

Edited August 15, 2010 by shadowplay

[WintersNightTraveler]

I can't imagine what'd that do. It's hard for me

 

Aww SP... The men dating women thing just seems that way because you probably just see women as generally more often attractive, and certainly because the mismatched appearance couples stand out more in your perception of couples. And you know you're letting your anxiety snowball, right? It's the worst part of it in some ways... not that knowing any of that stuff necesarily makes it easier...

 

I don't know, maybe try a new therapist? ZG's advice is really good, if you can swing it...

[brainygirl]

I think it depends on where you are. I'm on OKcupid and I like the site, but I'm in such a rural area that most of the men with in 25 miles of me fall into the "I'm a good ole boy" category, which is just not interesting to me. Its like people here want to brag about how dumb they are.

 

I expanded the search parameters out to 100 miles and the encompased two good sized cities, and found more interesting men. People with college degrees and interests in books and education, but its so far that all that really gets me is pen pals.

[kiss_andmakeup]

Glad you're liking OKC. Try not to be too apprehensive about meeting people in person. Even if they don't seem to be perfect (I read your pickiness thread), the real life experience can be totally different.

 

My biggest piece of advice would be to limit e-mail/IM exchanges with someone you have interest in before meeting in person. You don't want to exhaust all "getting-to-know-you" conversation before even meeting.

 

Not only did I meet my current boyfriend on there, whom I've been with for over two years, I met a couple of other really cool guys too. In the end, in fact, it was difficult to choose the one that I wanted to pursue something more serious with. They were all great guys.

[kiss_andmakeup]

I don't know if I have the confidence to meet anyone right now. I keep going back and forth. My confidence has taken a nose dive since my ex dumped me. It also hasn't helped that I'm routinely ignored/rejected by guys in real life, while they lavish attention on friends or other girls I'm around. This summer I've been forcing myself to get out more, as self improvement, and one of the downsides has been seeing my biggest anxiety about getting ignored come to pass. Unfortunately pushing myself in this regard has only chipped away at my self confidence, while it was supposed to have the opposite effect.

 

I think I mentioned awhile back that this happens to me at my waitressing job. My cute coworker is routinely flirted with by guys, while they look right through me. Not a single fellow has flirted with me ever there, and I try to be friendly and smile.

 

I think I used to have some allure, but it apparently faded (just turned 27). I didn't think it would happen so fast. I stay thin and in good shape, try to dress well, wear make up, etc.

 

The guys with whom I'm in correspondence on OKC are all quite good looking. I can't imagine they would be attracted to me irl based on the response I seem to be getting as of late. Tons of young couples come into my restaurant. The average-to-above guys are invariably paired with even more attractive girlfriends. I can't recall ever seeing a couple where the girlfriend was less attractive. In fact, it's not common to see pairings where the girl isn't more attractive than her boyfriend, unless he's very good-looking. I found out one of my annoying, borderline unattractive male coworkers hooked up with this really hot girl. Given how superficial men apparently are, how do I stand a chance?

 

I can only assume that I must look way better in my pics. This was my biggest fear going in. They're just clear, straight-faced pics from my webcam (I posted 4), I tried to be as honest as possible, but something is getting improved in translation.

 

I've tried to talk to my therapist about my BDD, but she kind of brushes past the subject.

 

I know that if I go on my first OKC date and the guy rejects me, it will hurt like hell. I'll recover, but my self esteem will be a peg lower. I doubt I'd go on another date after that, but if I somehow summoned up the courage to and got rejected again (or worse over and over), I can't imagine what'd that do. It's hard for me to imagine feeling lower than I do now. Sure, if I had one successful date or met somebody on there despite a few rejections, I'd be OK, but that's not the way I think it will go. And I don't know if it's worth the risk.

 

You really have to force yourself to stop thinking like this.

 

You also have to realize that, while men do seek attractiveness in a mate, there are many men who don't view it as some sort of "hotness" competition as you insinuate. Any man worth dating who meets a pretty, intelligent, unique woman that he's compatible with, won't just be looking to "upgrade" to the "hotter model" when the opportunity arises. Of course there are men like that out there, but most of them exhibit extreme arrogance or shallowness, which would hopefully be evident early on and would likely rule them out of your "potential mate" list anyways.

[SadandConfusedWA]

I really doubt Shadow that you look much worse in real life. I mean, if you posted 4 clear face shots - I just don't see it. These guys have a good idea of what you look like and they love it

 

You really need to go on a few dates, not one. Second guy I met rejected me and then the next 8 didn't. So you can't take 1 rejection even if it's from a first date seriously.

 

Remember shadow: your ex found you hot. So did your ex ex. So did your ex ex's friend. So did that guy you went on a flatmate interview. Guys in real life DO find you attractive. I assume that you have more of a low key natural look than thrashy overly made up one. This positive in my book, you will attract fewer but better quality guys.

 

Also, keep in mind that during online dates, you just might not click with the person personality wise. If you get rejected - it might not be because of looks. You absolutely can't have all your self-confidence riding on if some online dude rejects you or not. I hope you see how unhealthy that is.

 

Another thing: lots of the guys that look hot on OKC turn out to be a lot less so in real life. Some are more overweight than the pictures. Some have bad skin that they are hiding etc etc. You might very easily not find them attractive.

[Serenitynow]

I don't know if I have the confidence to meet anyone right now.

 

You and 95% of the rest of the women on dating sites are exactly the same.

 

You post your profile, put yourself out there, but in reality, you have huge amounts of emotional/psychological baggage, and dont even think you can meet anyone IRL.

 

Instead, you USE the guys from the site as an ego boost. Letting them email you, talk about meeting them , and the whole time you doubt you could ever go through with it.

 

If I would have made a post about this on my own, I would have got bashed by women. But here it is, in black and white, so all I have to do now is point it out to everyone.

 

You should NOT be on a dating site if you dont have the balls to meet guys.

 

.

[shadowplay]

You and 95% of the rest of the women on dating sites are exactly the same.

 

You post your profile, put yourself out there, but in reality, you have huge amounts of emotional/psychological baggage, and dont even think you can meet anyone IRL.

 

Instead, you USE the guys from the site as an ego boost. Letting them email you, talk about meeting them , and the whole time you doubt you could ever go through with it.

 

If I would have made a post about this on my own, I would have got bashed by women. But here it is, in black and white, so all I have to do now is point it out to everyone.

 

You should NOT be on a dating site if you dont have the balls to meet guys.

 

.

 

Please don't take out your crp on me, thanks.

[SadandConfusedWA]

You and 95% of the rest of the women on dating sites are exactly the same.

 

You post your profile, put yourself out there, but in reality, you have huge amounts of emotional/psychological baggage, and dont even think you can meet anyone IRL.

 

Instead, you USE the guys from the site as an ego boost. Letting them email you, talk about meeting them , and the whole time you doubt you could ever go through with it.

 

If I would have made a post about this on my own, I would have got bashed by women. But here it is, in black and white, so all I have to do now is point it out to everyone.

 

You should NOT be on a dating site if you dont have the balls to meet guys.

 

.

 

 

Please. This is NOT about you Serenity. Leave your issues for another thread. It took me few months to gather up my courage to meet the first online dude. What shadow is going through is completly normal. Once she meets the first one, it will get a lot easier.

[Serenitynow]

Explain WHY you should be on a dating site, if you admit you dont think you can meet anyone now ?

 

This has nothing to do with me. I'm asking a totally normal question about leading the people on if she doesnt want to meet.

 

.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Explain WHY you should be on a dating site, if you admit you dont think you can meet anyone now ?

 

This has nothing to do with me. I'm asking a totally normal question about leading the people on if she doesnt want to meet.

 

.

 

You are now derailing this thread. Let it go or start your own.

[shadowplay]

SadandConfused, I also get a number of messages a day, but increasingly those messages are from random guys who have nothing in common with me, live far away and have low match compatibility. I guess the problem is all the high match guys in my area who are interested have already messaged me, so I'm starting to see the limitations of this online thing.

 

Did you end up meeting with any of the guys that you messaged first, and how was that? Were these guys on match or okcupid?

[Stockalone]

You and 95% of the rest of the women on dating sites are exactly the same.

 

You post your profile, put yourself out there, but in reality, you have huge amounts of emotional/psychological baggage, and dont even think you can meet anyone IRL.

 

Instead, you USE the guys from the site as an ego boost. Letting them email you, talk about meeting them , and the whole time you doubt you could ever go through with it.

 

If I would have made a post about this on my own, I would have got bashed by women. But here it is, in black and white, so all I have to do now is point it out to everyone.

 

You should NOT be on a dating site if you dont have the balls to meet guys.

 

I agree with you that attention whores are a problem, but shadow just started with online dating and she still has doubts, which is understandable.

 

Also, IMO, there is a difference between what shadow does and what the attention whores do.

 

Maybe online dating isn't the right thing for shadow at the moment, but that remains to be seen. Should shadow not let the attention get to her head? Absolutely, but the ego boost she gets because guys do find her attractive, (in this case, she is also experiencing a contrast between the online experience and real life) is very normal and as far as I can tell, she isn't abusing the attention she gets.

 

 

 

I don't know if I have the confidence to meet anyone right now. I keep going back and forth. My confidence has taken a nose dive since my ex dumped me. It also hasn't helped that I'm routinely ignored/rejected by guys in real life, while they lavish attention on friends or other girls I'm around. This summer I've been forcing myself to get out more, as self improvement, and one of the downsides has been seeing my biggest anxiety about getting ignored come to pass. Unfortunately pushing myself in this regard has only chipped away at my self confidence, while it was supposed to have the opposite effect.

 

I think I mentioned awhile back that this happens to me at my waitressing job. My cute coworker is routinely flirted with by guys, while they look right through me. Not a single fellow has flirted with me ever there, and I try to be friendly and smile.

 

I think I used to have some allure, but it apparently faded (just turned 27). I didn't think it would happen so fast. I stay thin and in good shape, try to dress well, wear make up, etc.

 

The guys with whom I'm in correspondence on OKC are all quite good looking. I can't imagine they would be attracted to me irl based on the response I seem to be getting as of late. Tons of young couples come into my restaurant. The average-to-above guys are invariably paired with even more attractive girlfriends. I can't recall ever seeing a couple where the girlfriend was less attractive. In fact, it's not common to see pairings where the girl isn't more attractive than her boyfriend, unless he's very good-looking. I found out one of my annoying, borderline unattractive male coworkers hooked up with this really hot girl. Given how superficial men apparently are, how do I stand a chance?

 

I can only assume that I must look way better in my pics. This was my biggest fear going in. They're just clear, straight-faced pics from my webcam (I posted 4), I tried to be as honest as possible, but something is getting improved in translation.

 

I've tried to talk to my therapist about my BDD, but she kind of brushes past the subject.

 

I know that if I go on my first OKC date and the guy rejects me, it will hurt like hell. I'll recover, but my self esteem will be a peg lower. I doubt I'd go on another date after that, but if I somehow summoned up the courage to and got rejected again (or worse over and over), I can't imagine what'd that do. It's hard for me to imagine feeling lower than I do now. Sure, if I had one successful date or met somebody on there despite a few rejections, I'd be OK, but that's not the way I think it will go. And I don't know if it's worth the risk.

 

It's silly to assume that none of the guys who messaged you (and saw your pictures), won't find you attractive in person. I doubt that most men message women they don't find attractive and/or interesting.

 

Maybe some men will not like you in person. But I also think you won't like all of them either. That's normal, and doesn't have to happen just because of how people look. But unless you think there is something wrong with those men, based on their profile and the way they interact with you so far, you will only know if you like each other, once you meet in person.

 

You can't substitute real life chemistry. Maybe you won't like the way he talks, or the way he walks. On the other hand, there is the chance that you will like things about him, perhaps the way his eyes light up when he sees you and when you talk to him. Or maybe even silly things like the way he holds a glass.

 

If you don't find anything wrong with their online profiles, go ahead and meet those guys you like. Meeting in person is the next step, if you want to get to know them, there is no way around that.

 

Another thing, while I have never done online dating, I did meet a woman online once. We didn't date, but we met in person. Truth be told, I was never so nervous and scared in my life as I was when I was about to meet her. But I wanted to get to know her in person. I wanted to get to know her beyond words and a picture. That was important to me, so I asked her to meet me, and never thought about not meeting her because of my fear and nervousness.

 

Don't you have the urge (and aren't you curious) to get to know the person behind the online profile?

 

 

SadandConfused, I also get a number of messages a day, but increasingly those messages are from random guys who have nothing in common with me, live far away and have low match compatibility. I guess the problem is all the high match guys in my area who are interested have already messaged me, so I'm starting to see the limitations of this online thing.

 

I think it goes without saying that there are limits. Especially if you are picky. That said, there are guys that you find attractive, so it's a lot better than not finding anyone attractive or getting no messages at all.

[a_woman]

I've been reading your posts Shadow and I think one thing guys may take an issue with is that you come across stern and a bit of a blue stocking to be honest. None of those traits would be seen as 'easy to get along with'. Most men like an easy life, if they perceive you as difficult they won't want you.

[shadowplay]

My mother wanted to see my OKC profile today, so I showed it to her, and some of the guys I've been in contact with. It was funny how her reaction was the same as mine, except more extreme. She was really won over by the profile/pics of the one guy I've mentioned in this thread that I like so far. SHe said the other two were bad matches. One is 22, and she said I need to stop dating kids. The other she thought was "dopey" looking in his profile. I might scratch Mr. 22 (she has a point, and I had reservations about him to begin with), but I think I'll still try to meet up with the other guy.

[brainygirl]

I've been reading your posts Shadow and I think one thing guys may take an issue with is that you come across stern and a bit of a blue stocking to be honest. None of those traits would be seen as 'easy to get along with'. Most men like an easy life, if they perceive you as difficult they won't want you.

 

I had to look up "blue stocking" it apparently refers to an intelligent woman, why is that a bad thing?

[sb129]

Shadow, it might help if you had a think about your intentions here.

 

Do you want a soul mate/ husband?

 

Do you want to boost your confidence?

 

Do you want to have fun and date a few people?

 

Because unless you are clear about what YOU want from these people, you probably aren't going to find people who are on the same page as you, and hence you may end up getting let down again.

 

When I signed up, I was ultimately looking for someone to settle down with. I was 29 and had lived abroad for a long time and wanted to go home.

So I had very specific requirements.

Players= no, people who didn't want kids = no, people who weren't from my home country = no. People of a certain age/ education level = no. etc etc.

 

If you are looking for the love of your life and end up dating someone who is looking to have fun, you will probably end up hurt again.

The thing with online dating, is most people definitely know what they want out of it, otherwise they wouldn't have gone to the trouble of signing up in the first place.

[shadowplay]

Shadow, it might help if you had a think about your intentions here.

 

Do you want a soul mate/ husband?

 

Do you want to boost your confidence?

 

Do you want to have fun and date a few people?

 

Because unless you are clear about what YOU want from these people, you probably aren't going to find people who are on the same page as you, and hence you may end up getting let down again.

 

When I signed up, I was ultimately looking for someone to settle down with. I was 29 and had lived abroad for a long time and wanted to go home.

So I had very specific requirements.

Players= no, people who didn't want kids = no, people who weren't from my home country = no. People of a certain age/ education level = no. etc etc.

 

If you are looking for the love of your life and end up dating someone who is looking to have fun, you will probably end up hurt again.

The thing with online dating, is most people definitely know what they want out of it, otherwise they wouldn't have gone to the trouble of signing up in the first place.

 

I'm looking for a long term relationship, and if one works out...hopefully someone to settle down with.

[sb129]

So your mother is right.

 

You need to avoid men who are under the age of 25 at least.

 

You are 26 right?

 

I would probably be looking for men aged 28 or over. Then you have a much higher chance of finding someone who is looking for the same thing as you.

 

Be picky.

[shadowplay]

So your mother is right.

 

You need to avoid men who are under the age of 25 at least.

 

You are 26 right?

 

I would probably be looking for men aged 28 or over. Then you have a much higher chance of finding someone who is looking for the same thing as you.

 

Be picky.

 

Just turned 27. I'm having trouble finding matches that age. There are a lot of guys in their early to mid twenties, and a number in their mid thirties, but fewer in between. I've thought about dating guys in their mid thirties, but I think they may be too mature for me.