Hannah86 Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 I almost hate logging on here to brag, but maybe it is a testament that you will find what you're looking for one day... I'm 23, he is 26. I met the most incredible guy a week ago. He is everything I want: drop dead gorgeous, amazing personality, wonderful friends, perfect family, perfect "on paper" (great college, great job etc) and he is completely infatuated with me. In many ways we are opposites, in many ways we are a good match. His obsessiveness is 20% overbearing and annoying, but 80% romantic, sweeps-me-off-my-feet, makes me feel great about myself, makes me REALLY happy... He initiated a relationship within days. He is very genuine. I am not worried about how quickly it is moving, I know I am the only girl in his this has happened with: our 20's crowd in the city we live in is small enough that I hear everything, and his last relationship was years ago. I know it will fade a little as we get to know each other, but how can I keep him in this state? I have a strong upper hand and I want to maintain it. He was dying to hang out tonight so I purposefully made other plans (he texted me the whole time, i didn't answer until I got home)...I'm going out of town this weekend...made myself unavailable to chat with online today so we could both get work done. I'm sort of trying to maintain my life but enjoying the attention and perfection of what we have. He's joked about marriage and engagement several times already. Any advice?
hats Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 The trick is to make him think you're going to put out, but not actually put out. But you probably already knew that one right?
xRJ85x Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 (edited) Props to this awesome girl. I wish there were more out there like that rather than the "I liked you until you liked me" ones... Advice however would to not be contradictory about your feelings and your perception of dating in general. You basically almost sound obsessed with him (in a good way I mean). You say you don't worry about how fast it's moving. So don't! You've got a good thing going. Just be yourself. Don't try to make yourself unavailable, unless you were with him very recently. If you have set life, work, hobbies, etc. just go with the flow, and you'll naturally look like you're interested but not moving too quick at the same time. There's nothing wrong with a relationship moving too quickly if it's just the relationship. It's only a problem if both don't have lives and use their time to make each other the priority. Edited May 25, 2010 by xRJ85x
TheBigQuestion Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 If he's making jokes about marriage within a week of you guys meeting each other, I'd consider that a red flag. You might find his obsession charming, but if something goes wrong between you two, it has the potential (even if it's remote) to be emotionally damaging and dangerous. I guarantee you that this is not something you should be thrilled about.
CrestfallenNoMore Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 Yeah, this sounds unbelivably unhealthy to me. Moving quickly, "joking" about marriage, etc. That's how abusive, controlling men suck women into relationships. And the fact that he knew you were out, but kept repeatedly texting? Yeah, I'm guessing he "won't put up with that" the longer you are together. Even if I'm completely wrong, this guy is already displaying some unhealthy co-dependent behaviors. Just be careful.
Author Hannah86 Posted May 25, 2010 Author Posted May 25, 2010 to TheBigQuestion: do you have some examples of what you're talking about? He is really smart. We've gotten drunk together two times and I haven't seen a crazy side come out at all (I feel like it would have come out then), he's got a great head on his shoulders. To be more specific: he has had a crush on me for months (he claimed I looked at him at a bar and he didn't forget it, his friends brought up that night too, it did not ring a bell with me), I've only met him about two weeks ago but we have been hanging out every day for a week.
TheBigQuestion Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 to TheBigQuestion: do you have some examples of what you're talking about? He is really smart. We've gotten drunk together two times and I haven't seen a crazy side come out at all (I feel like it would have come out then), he's got a great head on his shoulders. To be more specific: he has had a crush on me for months (he claimed I looked at him at a bar and he didn't forget it, his friends brought up that night too, it did not ring a bell with me), I've only met him about two weeks ago but we have been hanging out every day for a week. Unless he's an alcoholic, I'd focus way more on how he behaves sober than drunk. Alcohol will bring the beast out of anyone given the proper triggers and circumstances and is generally not indicative of anything. I can't give too many concrete examples. It's simply that it's an established (if unwritten) rule of dating that one does not speak of or joke about marriage or children within a few weeks of meeting. I consider this to be apparent to any rational individual. If you combine that with the fact that he's acting waaaaaaay too into you in other ways, it just sounds a tad on the unhealthy side. I'll admit that there was a time not too long ago where I fell for a girl head over heels the same way this guy has, but even at the deepest point of my infatuation, I had enough sense to not consistently vocalize it and make it obvious the way this guy has.
D-Lish Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 It sounds more like a typical CP- the kind of guy that gets wrapped up too fast, makes plans for the future too quickly, Jumps in with both feet.... Then after a period of time, they bail. People that come on too strong, quickly are a red flag.
Author Hannah86 Posted May 25, 2010 Author Posted May 25, 2010 What is a "CP?" I think all relationships have risk, you never know if the guy OR girl will stick around. I like getting swept off my feet, and I want it to stay that way. Like I said, there are no crazy flags and this isn't something he regularly does. I'm the first girl he's been like this with.
Ruby Slippers Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 He won't stay that way. Nothing stays the same. But you are correct that not being too available and not giving him too much love are good strategies for keeping his infatuation boner for you going as long as possible.
ComeUndone Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 I like getting swept off my feet, and I want it to stay that way. Honeymoon phase... need I say more? It will taper off eventually. Like I said, there are no crazy flags and this isn't something he regularly does. I'm the first girl he's been like this with. Actually there are some crazy red flags but you are refusing to see them for what they really are. You don't find it a little abnormal he is talking about marriage already?? Who cares if he hasn't been this way with anyone else (and you can't "know" that for sure no matter how many mutual friends you have)... even if he hasn't it doesn't make his behavior more flattering to you if he is the stalkerish, obsessive type. Even you said it's 20% overbearing and annoying and 80% cute... give it a little time. After a while it'll be 80% annoying and only 20% cute, if that.
ComeUndone Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 He won't stay that way. Nothing stays the same. But you are correct that not being too available and not giving him too much love are good strategies for keeping his infatuation boner for you going as long as possible. Well put!
Ruby Slippers Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 Thanks. I have lived the OP's scenario, and I got just as wrapped up in all the ego trappings as she is. Step back and listen to yourself. He's completely obsessed with me he is completely infatuated with me makes me feel great about myself I am the only girl in his this has happened with I have a strong upper hand and I want to maintain it enjoying the attention and perfection of what we have Call me cynical, but I think once you give in and agree that you are his, he wins, and game over. So you probably shouldn't.
ComeUndone Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 I have lived the OP's scenario, and I got just as wrapped up in all the ego trappings as she is. So have I. My ex wasn't like this with anyone else either, or so I heard. Lucky me.. apparently I brought out the best in him. I saw the red flags but cleverly twisted the obsessiveness into flattery. Dumb, dumb, dumb.
Ruby Slippers Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 This is eventually going to crash and burn. Ya think?
SomewhatExperienced Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 Just be yourself, albeit the best parts of yourself. Let him get to know the real you. And DON'T PLAY GAMES. If you want this to last build the foundation of this relationship on trust and honesty. If you try too hard it may fail. When a guy really likes a girl he likes all her little quirks too. Don't try to hide yourself and make yourself seem better to keep his attention.
Maxxx Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 This is coming from another guy but I will offer my 2 cents anyway. I would look out for this one. If he is that obsessive about you he could become VERY jealous VERY quickly. And where there is jealousy there is a bad temper. Trust me even if not showing now this guy will develop trust issues with you. and anger very easy.. IMO
Mimolicious Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 All of that in just one week? Jeez... even drunk twice? Since when has obsession been "romantic"? Treat yourself as a corporation- No benefits for 90 days and you may be able to extend the honeymoon stage between the two of you. Honestly, if a guy acted this way, I'd run the other way. Sounds too codependent for me. It's not a light at the end of the tunnel you are seeing honey, those are headlights approaching very very fast. I see restraining order in your future.
Mary3 Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 He is in the Limerance Stage . He wants everything way too fast. He feels insecure and is going out of his way to impress you. Controlling = Insecure.
Crazy Magnet Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 This is eventually going to crash and burn. This is the first statement Woggle has made that I've ever agreed with. This guy sounds a bit (read: exactly) like my psychotically jealous exH. Although I was told I was the "only girl" he ever did this with, turns out that's his MO. He's on wife #3 now. Did the same thing to her and from what I have heard is controlling her every move now. Enjoy the rush and the butterflies, but do be mindful if things start to head south. I don't see the point in running away before anything bad starts to happen, but if it does, please don't be blindsided. Relationships move at different paces, so take yours at a pace that feels comfortable for you.
FoxMulder Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 He won't stay that way. Nothing stays the same. But you are correct that not being too available and not giving him too much love are good strategies for keeping his infatuation boner for you going as long as possible. I would hate it if a girl did that. It seems very selfish of girls to act that way and play games with the guy and intentionally show less love, it just seems very selfish imo.
Author Hannah86 Posted May 25, 2010 Author Posted May 25, 2010 I definitely am listening to what you all are saying. I truly think it is just a stage and that he will calm down after a couple weeks and it will become more normal. If i cut it off now, I will wonder what could have been because to me he seems completely perfect (albeit very clingy). I am not obsessed with him, he is definitely more into it than I am. Maybe I am co-dependent too and that's why I am enjoying it. I don't know.
FoxMulder Posted May 25, 2010 Posted May 25, 2010 I definitely am listening to what you all are saying. I truly think it is just a stage and that he will calm down after a couple weeks and it will become more normal. If i cut it off now, I will wonder what could have been because to me he seems completely perfect (albeit very clingy). I am not obsessed with him, he is definitely more into it than I am. Maybe I am co-dependent too and that's why I am enjoying it. I don't know. To me it seems you don't really like the guy and only string him along because you enjoy the attention you get from him.
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