Why are Aspies so horrible with dating?

[Els]

Does the same apply to people with DS? CP?

 

Yes, it does. Especially DS.

 

Or Stephen Hawkins, who in fact his wife married him knowing he could possibly die from his condition and has gone on to reproduce?

I am quite sure Mr. Hawking has faced a bigger challenge than the average happy-go-lucky bar-frequenting college student in that aspect.

 

I felt compelled to type....truly I shook my head at the posts on this thread.

 

My son has had girlfriends.....and has quite possibly one of the biggest social circles known to man. Everyone who knows my son understands and is fully accepting of who he is. Anyone who doesn't....we regard that it's their loss.

 

Just irked me. The whole tone of the thread was just

Amy, you're overreacting. Some people are being ignorant, yes. Just because it is a challenge for them doesn't mean it can't be overcome. People with bipolar, depression, etc can also form meaningful relationships with the proper mindset and/or treatment. Yet I am sure any of them would tell you that their mental issues posed some sort of a hurdle that they had to overcome.

 

Your son happens to be a success story, perhaps because his AS was mild to begin with. For every success story, however, there are plenty of others living in despair and unhappiness and unacceptance.

[Frog in Love]

What is Aspie, Can i eat ?

[kdark]

Do you not care about the extrerme suffering the child will have to go through? Whether it be Huntingtons or Aspergers?

 

No, I don't think you do.

 

Well according to the wiki, most people won't start seeing symptoms of HD until their 30s. And I personally know a few people with Asperger's. One of them is lonely, but I don't think he is suffering so much that he wishes he had never been born. He loves his roller coasters and movies too much...

[Toki]

Your son happens to be a success story, perhaps because his AS was mild to begin with. For every success story, however, there are plenty of others living in despair and unhappiness and unacceptance.

 

errr... so you're saying, just because he's successful, and others aren't, mean's he shouldn't live as best a life as he can imagine for himself?

 

Just trying to clear this up...

[underpants]

What is Aspie, Can i eat ?

 

Yes!

 

People come in all flavors.

[kdark]

I suggested Huntington's to see if kdark's response would vary depending on the severity and heritability of illness. It proved that he is evidently just caught up in the idea that people should never be faulted for exercising their right to have children no matter what the circumstances, based on his reply. Thus his stand on AS is due to that mindset, and not because he questions the heritability of AS or the rationale of forgoing children for a non-fatal disorder, or any such thing. It is always good to know one's opponent so as to know where to direct the focus of debate.

 

Honestly, I didn't know much about Huntington's when I first replied, but now that I know that their is a 50% chance of a child contracting it if one parent has it.

 

If a parent with HD wants to have a kid still, knowing they have HD, then no one should stop them. Morality is extremely subjective, and I'm not going to judge that person.

[Trimmer]

Your son happens to be a success story, perhaps because his AS was mild to begin with. For every success story, however, there are plenty of others living in despair and unhappiness and unacceptance.

errr... so you're saying, just because he's successful, and others aren't, mean's he shouldn't live as best a life as he can imagine for himself?

What? How did you get from point A to point B there? I don't see how you extracted that conclusion from the post above...

 

Amy - I'm serious about wanting to learn more; I was hoping you would have some comments on my questions from post #58 above, if you're willing to share and educate...

[Toki]

What? How did you get from point A to point B there? I don't see how you extracted that conclusion from the post above...

 

In her earlier posts she said that people with such disorders should refrain from having children, and instead adopt. I'm asking if she thinks that even if they are successful, and have a disorder, and are capable of being parents, that they should be denied the right to having children of their own. I'm trying to get the big picture here, because the little bits seem to be contradicting.

 

its a fair question.

Edited May 17, 2010 by Toki

[Els]

In her earlier posts she said that people with such disorders should refrain from having children, and instead adopt. I'm asking if she thinks that even if they are successful, and have a disorder, and are capable of being parents, that they should be denied the right to having children of their own. I'm trying to get the big picture here, because the little bits seem to be contradicting.

 

its a fair question.

 

Uhhh. Okay, I think you've misunderstood more than one thing here.

 

Firstly, I specifically mentioned that noone with any heritable disorder should be forbidden or denied the right to have children. I merely said that the people themselves should seriously consider not having children due to the reasons I listed. It's not the same thing.

 

Secondly, I too don't understand how you drew the conclusion of

 

errr... so you're saying, just because he's successful, and others aren't, mean's he shouldn't live as best a life as he can imagine for himself?

He should live the best life he can imagine for himself, yes. When on earth did I say that he shouldn't? Stop mixing up what I'm saying, they are two different issues altogether. This post was in response to Amy, who was saying that 'people here are talking bollocks, because her son has AS and is successful in his relationships'. Whereas the majority of people here merely said that most people with AS have difficulty in relationships. What I am saying is that her son being successful does not make that point untrue. Is that so hard to understand? Edited May 17, 2010 by Elswyth

[Ross PK]

Green, when people label someone with AS they don't mean it as an insult. So there really isn't any reason for you to take it as one IMO.

[Jessica1987]

What? Property taxes? I'm sorry, but I don't know where this contempt is coming from. Maybe you know much more about Aspergers than I do. But please, when you come accross someone like me who may not be that knowledgable, try to educate me. Stop spewing hate.

My sister and brother in law are two very special people to me. You have no idea how painful it is when people use someone with severe AS and huge other issues and make generalizations. My brother in law misses a lot of social cues, but has given my sister and their four children a stable happy family.

[Jessica1987]

Your thread has actually offended me more than the others. We're having a discussion here, and few are claiming to be experts, but you're painting us all with the same brush. I can think of several posts where people know someone and are not insulting, and those where they're just trying to understand. Some have been far off the mark, but it's just wrong to say that the whole thread is

 

While no two people with AS are the same, it's safe to say that all of them have problems reading social signals. AS is not the only disorder that causes people to have problems reading social signals, but all people with AS have that problem. It's not an insult--it's an observation, so please try to not be so insulting to those of us who are trying to understand. The best thing moms can do to help their kids with this disorder is to teach them to say, "Do you mean. . . ?" or "You're joking right, or do you mean that?" It would save a lot of misunderstanding.

Amy35 has a right to be upset and angry at what she sees here. I know I am. When people who know of one person with severe AS plus other issues and use that as a reason to avoid anyone with AS it hurts. It hurts far more than online insults. People with AS do miss social cues, but quite a few are smart, loving, loyal people who are out there ready to be husbands and fathers.

[Jessica1987]

Yes, it does. Especially DS.

 

I am quite sure Mr. Hawking has faced a bigger challenge than the average happy-go-lucky bar-frequenting college student in that aspect.

 

Amy, you're overreacting. Some people are being ignorant, yes. Just because it is a challenge for them doesn't mean it can't be overcome. People with bipolar, depression, etc can also form meaningful relationships with the proper mindset and/or treatment. Yet I am sure any of them would tell you that their mental issues posed some sort of a hurdle that they had to overcome.

 

Your son happens to be a success story, perhaps because his AS was mild to begin with. For every success story, however, there are plenty of others living in despair and unhappiness and unacceptance.

Amy is not overreacting. The biggest challenge those with mild AS have to overcome is ignorance about AS from others. The bolded is not true. There are more success stories than people living in despair. So many that live in despair are that way becuase people misinterpret and avoid them. Society is fixated on the negatives and people learn about AS from severe cases in the movies.

Edited May 17, 2010 by Jessica1987

[Jessica1987]

AS is like IBS it means a lot of things and aplies differently to different people. I really don't believe with just labeling some one with AS.

A diagnosis can help someone cope, but after reading the generalizations here it may be not be worth mentioning in the over half of the cases, which are mild.

[Els]

Amy is not overreacting. The biggest challenge those with mild AS have to overcome is ignorance about AS from others. The bolded is not true. There are more success stories than people living in despair. So many that live in despair are that way becuase people misinterpret and avoid them. Society is fixated on the negatives and people learn about AS from severe cases in the movies.

 

Show me the statistics, then? And please, let's talk about AS in general, not only 'mild AS'. You don't get to choose whether someone has mild AS or severe AS when he has it.

 

I agree with the bolded. That is precisely why I have said that they will face challenges in forming and maintaining interpersonal relationships. Do you deny that someone with ADHD, bipolar, depression, etc will also face such challenges? Sadly, society isn't going to change from wishful thinking. I personally would always welcome someone with AS as a friend. That doesn't mean I can change all the other people who will laugh, jeer, ostracize and neglect them because they misunderstand or do not wish to understand them.

[Green]

A diagnosis can help someone cope, but after reading the generalizations here it may be not be worth mentioning in the over half of the cases, which are mild.

 

I understand the intention, but yes its a label that means one thing to one person and another to different people.

[ADF]

My sister and brother in law are two very special people to me. You have no idea how painful it is when people use someone with severe AS and huge other issues and make generalizations. My brother in law misses a lot of social cues, but has given my sister and their four children a stable happy family.

 

Great. Wonderful. I am happy for all of you. But please understand,, not eeyone knows as much about AS as you do. When people oergeneralize it is out of ignorance, not contempt. There's no reason to lash out the way you did.

[stepka]

I understand the intention, but yes its a label that means one thing to one person and another to different people.

 

Green, I almost agree with you about the labeling, but not quite. Sometimes it's a relief to know what is going on with you and in learning the dx, you can move forward and learn about your condition, as opposed to vaguely wondering why you don't really seem to fit in, despite having a normal to high intelligence. If you choose to not share the label on yourself, then that's fine, but many people do, so others will have some idea of how to deal with them, though I've discovered that's only a fantasy, as there seem to be so many misconceptions and people who believe that you're only offering an excuse.

[Green]

Green, I almost agree with you about the labeling, but not quite. Sometimes it's a relief to know what is going on with you and in learning the dx, you can move forward and learn about your condition, as opposed to vaguely wondering why you don't really seem to fit in, despite having a normal to high intelligence. If you choose to not share the label on yourself, then that's fine, but many people do, so others will have some idea of how to deal with them, though I've discovered that's only a fantasy, as there seem to be so many misconceptions and people who believe that you're only offering an excuse.

 

The title of this thread seems like an excuse "Why are Aspies so horrible with dating?" it makes my point.

 

Mothers get there talking function children diagnosed with OCD and AS and other things at the age of 3. What good does it really do.

[Trimmer]

The title of this thread seems like an excuse "Why are Aspies so horrible with dating?" it makes my point.

 

Mothers get there talking function children diagnosed with OCD and AS and other things at the age of 3. What good does it really do.

Just so I can try to understand your point, what's a talking function child?

 

And I acknowledge that you are absolutely entitled not to answer, if you choose, but you didn't answer a number of my questions, like do you believe there are some people at the "near" end of the autistic spectrum with a real disorder, and you just object to the use of a label to "mark" them, or do you not believe people with AS have any disorder at all. And do you believe there is a spectrum of autistic disorders, or do you thing that's just a "label," too?

[brainygirl]

Can I just add that refering to someone with asperger's as an aspie is a lot like refering to a handicapped person as a cripple.

 

Asperger's is a disorder that affects socialization and the ability to read and communicate emotions. I'd be surprized if such people didn't have trouble in normal dating relationships.

 

As to labels. I have a five year old that isn't wired like other kids. He was slow to talk, slow to walk, slow to crawl. He's set to start kindergarden with an all day helper because of his behavioral issues.

 

The Special ed team has labeled him as developmentally delayed. He isn't autistic, he isn't ADD, he isn't bi-polar or mentally ill. I have no idea what I can plan for him. I have no idea what issues will come up or be resolved as he grows up. If he had down's syndrom or some other specified condition I would have a road map. As it is, his future is a mystery.

 

Labels are tools. They have as much or as little power as we give them. But before I can confront a problem I have to be able to name the problem.

 

Just my two cents.

[Jilly Bean]

Brainy - have they been able to assess your son's IQ?

[marsle85]

Sorry. I would reccomend avoiding those with this condition. They are incapable of love.

 

How ignorant can you be? You don't have to marry the person, but to advise an entire forum to AVOID a person because of a condition? You should be ashamed of yourself.

[marsle85]

Asperger's is a disorder that affects socialization and the ability to read and communicate emotions. I'd be surprized if such people didn't have trouble in normal dating relationships.

 

 

Just so you know, while the conditions may not be directly related, Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity-Disorder (ADHD) is something i'm extremely familiar with and have preformed extensive research on adults with the disorder cross-culturally (within America and China). What I found most profound about ADHD is the lack of self-error and calculation. This applies to your situation in it's connection to to their lack of social understanding and norms. Specifically, those with ADHD will report fewer dyadic and close relationships- including friends and parental bonds... but strikingly report the same amount of loneliness as those classified as non-ADHD. The fact is, these people do not recognize their lack of relationships, and consider themselves to harbor normal interpersonal relationships... despite the clear reality.

 

I would not be surprised if this mechanism operates similarly in AS.

[brainygirl]

Brainy - have they been able to assess your son's IQ?

 

He was assessed by the early childhood team when he was four and found to be in the first to second percentile as far as skills and attention went. He was then placed in a BD preschool and an academic preschool (one in the morning the other in the afternoon) and was recently reassessed for his transition to kindergarden. He's closer to the 50 percentile now, so he's most definitely picking up skills.

 

They wouldn't put an IQ on him at this point because they aren't sure if what they are seeing is him or just how cooperative he's feeling that day.

 

An ADHD/ADD expert looked at his case and ruled that out, as did the autism team. Right now they only will say Developmentally delayed with no explanation as to why.