Wants to live together before being engaged

[Pink Cupcakes]

I think your boyfriend is making an engagement conditional on moving in, well he's doing it in the wrong order, *******.

Edited June 1, 2010 by Pink Cupcakes

[VikingPrincess]

My lease isn't up in two months. I found a roommate with no lease because he said it would be easier in the future for me to leave when things moved forward for us. Well I don't like having a roommate and I thought it was going be very temporary but it doesn't look like he is budging for a while. So for my own sanity I told him that I would be putting in my notice and finding my own apartment.

He only asked me to move in once his roommate moved out so convenient for who? If he really wanted to live with me he could have asked his roommate to leave at any time. OR....he could have waited a couple of months to see what happens with us and pay his rent on his own.

I will live with him if we are engaged. That was my negotiation as I didn't want to live together until marriage.

[VikingPrincess]

I agree with you there @Allina. It is a weird struggle to go through and it's becoming boring to fight about.

[allina]

VP, I understand what you're saying, and I definitely don't think you should do anything you aren't comfortable with. However, in this situation I can't help but feel that no one wins with this power struggle. Not you, not him, and definitely not the relationship.

[allina]

I agree with you there @Allina. It is a weird struggle to go through and it's becoming boring to fight about.

 

Yeah, that's what I mean. I know it's not that simple but have you guys sat down and said "this is what I desire for the future, this is what I worry about when it comes to making this move, this is what I need from you" etc? I think it might be time for a serious heart to heart.

[VikingPrincess]

We have had many heart to hearts and he feels giving me a time line is unromantic so he stubbornly refuses. What am I to do? I don't like where I live. One of the pets isn't housebroken and I have no privacy. Do I just keep waiting on him? Wait and wait and wait some more?

He acts powerless and keeps saying..."Well I want you to move in with me". To which I remind him that I told him 6 months in the relationship I WAS NOT GOING TO EVER DO THAT unless I was engaged. I never brought up marriage until our 1 year mark and it felt appropriate.

If he would just say "Baby, hold out in your place another 2 months and we'll make this happen," that would be very helpful! Instead he says next to nothing

[allina]

We have had many heart to hearts and he feels giving me a time line is unromantic so he stubbornly refuses. What am I to do? I don't like where I live. One of the pets isn't housebroken and I have no privacy. Do I just keep waiting on him? Wait and wait and wait some more?

He acts powerless and keeps saying..."Well I want you to move in with me". To which I remind him that I told him 6 months in the relationship I WAS NOT GOING TO EVER DO THAT unless I was engaged. I never brought up marriage until our 1 year mark and it felt appropriate.

If he would just say "Baby, hold out in your place another 2 months and we'll make this happen," that would be very helpful! Instead he says next to nothing

 

Have you told him the above? I guess it looks like you need to go make yourself happy when it comes to your living situation. It sounds like you made yourself clear regarding not living together before marriage, so he should know the options.

 

Is the relationship good and healthy otherwise? Do you feel secure and confident that he sees you as the one? Do you trust that he wants to be with you forever?

 

I personally think that pressuring a man to propose after 14 months isn't a good idea (and while you might not be doing it directly, you ARE pressuring him). And I think that you guys would be better off if you both weren't so stubborn about sticking to your "ideals."

 

I'm probably bias because I don't believe in timelines and ultimatums. I just can't help feeling like you're both damaging the relationship.

[carhill]

OP has communicated a substantial bend from her past position of no cohabitation prior to marriage, now amending it to no cohabitation prior to engagement. As alpha mentioned, engagements are broken all the time and without substantial rancor and financial loss. She didn't specify anything wrt a wedding, only that they are betrothed.

 

Where is BF's bend? I'm not seeing any substantial movement or indications thereof in his prior position. 'Aw shucks, just move in' isn't mature compromise, IMO. Will this 'power struggle' be a dealbreaker? Will total capitulation on her part set the stage for the dynamic of their future lives together? Is a path of least resistence guy marriage material?

 

I think there's a proposal coming in the near future. Think carefully about your answer. Good luck

[Crazy Magnet]

VP, maybe he doesn't want to orchestrate the proposal around your lease schedule. You seem irritated with him because your lease is up in 2 months and your want a convenient proposal sometime between now and then. This just seems like such a power struggle, and so unnatural for adults who are in love and want to spend their lives together.

 

Two adults in love also need to be practical. Love is great and all, but life is happening in the meantime. While it would be nice to hold to romantic ideals all the time, in the adult world ideals are often not what we get in the end. Instead, we end up with a blend of ideal and practical.

 

If VP doesn't want to live with a man until she's married, she shouldn't have to compromise that. That is a perfectly reasonable and rational adult expectation. I don't see it as demanding or "pressure" at all. I have friends that feel the same way. You know what, all of them were married prior to cohabitation. It's not uncommon to do things that way. Other friends had to be engaged prior to cohabitation, and they all got rings before they moved in. What they did was make sure they were getting involved with men who knew how they felt very early in the relationship and who felt the same way.

 

I see that VP is willing to bend a lot to make the relationship work. She's willing to compromise. He needs to compromise as well. Relationships aren't centered around one person, they are centered around two people. Both sets of desires and needs have to be considered.

[allina]

Two adults in love also need to be practical. Love is great and all, but life is happening in the meantime. While it would be nice to hold to romantic ideals all the time, in the adult world ideals are often not what we get in the end. Instead, we end up with a blend of ideal and practical.

 

If VP doesn't want to live with a man until she's married, she shouldn't have to compromise that. That is a perfectly reasonable and rational adult expectation. I don't see it as demanding or "pressure" at all. I have friends that feel the same way. You know what, all of them were married prior to cohabitation. It's not uncommon to do things that way. Other friends had to be engaged prior to cohabitation, and they all got rings before they moved in. What they did was make sure they were getting involved with men who knew how they felt very early in the relationship and who felt the same way.

 

I see that VP is willing to bend a lot to make the relationship work. She's willing to compromise. He needs to compromise as well. Relationships aren't centered around one person, they are centered around two people. Both sets of desires and needs have to be considered.

 

Thanks for the lecture on the adult world...

 

I never said that VP should give in and go against what she feels comfortable with. All I said was that the situation is full of pressure and time lines, which don't appear to be benefitting the relationship.

[Crazy Magnet]

Thanks for the lecture on the adult world...

 

I never said that VP should give in and go against what she feels comfortable with. All I said was that the situation is full of pressure and time lines, which don't appear to be benefitting the relationship.

 

I didn't mean for that to come across as a lecture to you. Sorry about that. I was using your response as a jumping off point for my post.Her boyfriend is the one who needs the lecture on how to behave like an adult, not you Allina. It's not going through this man's head. Both parties are going to have to make changes to make this work, if he's not willing to compromise now, what will it be like in another ten years. Will VP be expected to always bend????

 

Life is finite. The entire thing is on a time line. While it would be great if we could all bop along and take as much time as we want, that's not always practical to get to the things we need.

 

I know I'd be happy bopping along in a non co-habitational, non married relationship for the next 10 years. I also know the consequence of that will be to give up kids. I'm not willing to give up kids, so I push for some sort of a time line. If a guy isn't on the same path as me, it's time to cut him loose and find one who is. That's my blend of ideal and practical.

 

My boyfriend threw up some sort of similar things when we talked about moving in together. He wouldn't make a firm decision or give a time line. So I set a firm date and said this is the day plans have to be in place. The day before the time line ended, I told him I see you have no plans, I have decided to do the following (stay here in this house, sign a year lease, I know you have to live with someone prior to engagement so understand you will not be factored into the post doc decision about locations equation since we won't be engaged...aka I will be going where ever I want and you can feel free to follow but it will be solely based on my needs not yours, etc.) He originally thought I would bend and give him more time but I didn't.

 

Don't you know he showed up with a complete plan for moving and all the particulars within 24 hours. He even gave me a rough engagement/marriage time line estimate. It was practical yet our relationship is as romantic as ever.

 

For me though, I'd rather have no marriage or relationship rather than one where the guy was on the fence about me or not serious enough about me to get his butt in gear. Been there, done that, set the t-shirt on fire.

[allina]

 

I'd rather have no marriage or relationship rather than one where the guy was on the fence about me or not serious enough about me to get his butt in gear. Been there, done that, set the t-shirt on fire.

 

Sorry CM, I misunderstood your tone. I do agree with your points a lot, especially the above.

 

I think my view on this quote is different than other posters. I absolutely agree that I'd rather have no marriage or relationship rather than one where the guy is on the fence about me.

 

This is why I oppose ultimatums, time lines and pressure so much. It may be slightly idealistic but I would never want a man to marry me because he decided that that's a better choice than the ultimatum. I wouldn't want to marry someone that was faced with either a breakup or marriage, taking a step back or marriage and chose marriage because he had to choose an option. I want a man to marry me although he could just live or be with me.

 

I completely understand that there are other factors and that being practical is important. But this is marriage, this is promising yourself for the rest of your life. I don't think it's something that should be decided on because it's the choice that the guy dreads slightly less.

[torranceshipman]

I've been dating my boyfriend for 14 months now. He had his roomie move out and I don't care for my living situation. He asked me to move in saying it was the step before marriage. I had already made it clear in conversations past this was not going to happen and that it would be a compromise for me to even live together before marriage. Bit of background I am 33, he is 37..no kids no prior marriages etc....

He has said he wants to marry me and says it will happen faster if we live together?! This puzzles me and I am hesitant to uproot my life to live together. That is stressful in itself and I want to be in the psychological mindset this is forever and this stuff is ours before I go through that.

So I want to hear from people that did not live together, at least until being engaged...what do you think?

 

What exactly are your concerns? I live with my fiance and living together gives us so many happy moments that we'd be losing out on if we'd waited until getting married to actually move in together. I highly recommend it and - considering that marriage is FOR LIFE - shouldn't you do whatever you can beforehand to make sure that you are certain that the guy is the right one? You don't want to get a ring on your finger before finding out that you hate living together! (unlikely but you know what I mean!)

[BlackLovely]

I moved in with my fiance before we were engaged. When I made the decision I never even considered if it will make proposal less likely, we just wanted to live together.

 

While I suppose I can see both sides of the issue, I do believe that by living together you learn how to run a household together. We live in a time where both partners are likely to work, pay the household bills, have credit cards and debt. By living together and building that household together you learn important things about how your partner handles these issues and determine if it's something you're comfortable with.

 

My fiance and I made some pretty major decisions before getting engaged/married. I can honestly say that the way we have navigated through these decisions and events together made us a more solid couple.

 

A girl after my own heart!

 

Before I moved in with my intended, we discussed marriage and all that we expected from it and each other. It was a three hour conversation that every couple should have before taking the plunge.

 

We agreed on a timeline for getting engaged before I moved in. I would not have moved in otherwise.

 

I think it's silly not to live with your partner before marriage for the very reasons Allina mentioned above.

[torranceshipman]

I've been dating my boyfriend for 14 months now. He had his roomie move out and I don't care for my living situation. He asked me to move in saying it was the step before marriage. I had already made it clear in conversations past this was not going to happen and that it would be a compromise for me to even live together before marriage. Bit of background I am 33, he is 37..no kids no prior marriages etc....

He has said he wants to marry me and says it will happen faster if we live together?! This puzzles me and I am hesitant to uproot my life to live together. That is stressful in itself and I want to be in the psychological mindset this is forever and this stuff is ours before I go through that.

So I want to hear from people that did not live together, at least until being engaged...what do you think?

 

I am genuinely confused as to why you don't want to live with him first. I share his view that it will mean the M/engagement happens quicker, as it adds a new layer of intimacy and makes your lives intertwine so much more. MY fiance and I moved in together a few months before he proposed and living together certainly made us closer quicker. He was more able to be certain about me as he'd gotten to know me so well by living with me.

 

Just remember M is a freaking big deal and this is the rest of your life you are talking about. Your boyfriend is seeking to collect as much possible information upon which to base a decision ie living together, getting to know each other really well before taking that huge next step. I think you need to respect how sensible he is being. I also respect that you want something else but I do also think you sound like you are more about the romance and the idea of M whereas he is all about the down to earth reality of it.

[torranceshipman]

Yeah, definately! Same here.

 

I'm all for living together before marriage, it does serve it's purpose and is beneficial for a relationship. The negative is the man dragging his feet about proposing because he's already comfy in the living situation. But seriously, I have said this before..living together will not stop a man from proposing IF she is the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with and commit to. If a man isn't proposing in a cohabitating situation (and I mean like 5+ years) then he either isn't:

 

1. interested in getting married at all

2. interested in getting married to his girlfriend

 

Personally, I would make SURE that the 1st reason happens prior to moving in. The second is a little more tricky, the boyfriend can always get around that if he really wants to.

 

My fiance didnt drag his feet at all!

 

Seriously there are some marriage obsessed females in this thread (not you lauriebell!-I just used your quote to make the point above)

[leftyright1]

this has been an amazing thread. as a guy who is actually being pressured to move to another city and move in with my girlfriend of 1.5 yrs, there are lots of relevant opinions that were shared. in my situation, i've been reluctant as I sometimes feel like she could be the one I marry, othertimes not. shes made it clear shes not asking for marriage -- yet -- but that this move in would be the next step in our relationship to hopefully eventually get there (shes 27). i'm trying to base my decision on whether there is enough evidence for me to know that I feel strongly enough that marriage is what I eventually want w/ this woman before I move. I could easily move and just "see how it goes" but feel like that is sort of a disservice to her time and mine.

 

It seems like the OP has a defined idea of what needs to happen b/f moving in and I think thats OK. She should feel empowered if that is her true feelings on the subject. However, people have also pointed out to me that by moving in your not signing a document that says you are willing to stay w/ him in the live in situation forever. If you feel like you are ready to move out, then you always can do that - lease obligations could hurt more or less depending on when you decide this (i.e 6 months in, 1 year, 2 years, etc..) It seems like he has thought about marrying you and if you guys clearly know that this move would be the next step towards that, you could always try and it and move out later if needed. Believe me, I know that sounds REALLY hard - and I'm also a guy who is 33. I know that possibly moving in for a year that could be a dead end is VERY difficult to get past.

 

Just curious OP - any update since you posted last?

[VikingPrincess]

Thanks for all the thoughtful responses everyone.

Well the roommate he picked out didn't work out and so he asked him to move out. I thought that this would be it! We had looked at rings and he was open to that and we talked about marriage. I got really excited for my 33 birthday last October but it came and went without a ring or talk of the future.

I moved out of that horrible situation with that roomie I had and into my own apartment. I've been working a lot.

A couple of weeks ago he picked out a new roommate....a woman! Ta-da! I was livid because I've told him in the past I wasn't comfortable with that. He said it wasn't a big deal and that I should have told him it was a problem. He didn't discuss ANY of this with me before he told her she could move in. She has a little dog too which he said I would love LOL.

 

OK people.

If any woman was going to move in I feel it should have been me. Me and MY little dog.

It's been 2 years this February and frankly him putting off the proposal for so long and all the communication shenanigins are killing the relationship.

I'm really glad I have my own place now and we will be spending MUCH less time together.

[Lauriebell82]

Thanks for all the thoughtful responses everyone.

Well the roommate he picked out didn't work out and so he asked him to move out. I thought that this would be it! We had looked at rings and he was open to that and we talked about marriage. I got really excited for my 33 birthday last October but it came and went without a ring or talk of the future.

I moved out of that horrible situation with that roomie I had and into my own apartment. I've been working a lot.

A couple of weeks ago he picked out a new roommate....a woman! Ta-da! I was livid because I've told him in the past I wasn't comfortable with that. He said it wasn't a big deal and that I should have told him it was a problem. He didn't discuss ANY of this with me before he told her she could move in. She has a little dog too which he said I would love LOL.

 

OK people.

If any woman was going to move in I feel it should have been me. Me and MY little dog.

It's been 2 years this February and frankly him putting off the proposal for so long and all the communication shenanigins are killing the relationship.

I'm really glad I have my own place now and we will be spending MUCH less time together.

 

WOW, a female roommate? Sheesh. This may be a little ploy on his part to try to get you to move in (e.i. "Well I'll get rid of her if YOU move in"). That was very disrespectful of him to do that, I would be mad if I were you. I agree that you should become more independent. Don't play games with him, but make yourself much less available to him. If he wants you, he will have to come and get you!

[VikingPrincess]

Ya a female. He claims she might be gay and that he already has lived with women anyways. The part that hurts is he didn't even talk about it with me...at ALL. Just one day he came over and I asked if his old roommate was finished moving out and he he says yes and I have a new one moving in on Monday....but it's okay honey she said if I want you can move in here whenever you want and she will leave.

 

........................

 

You know what I'm sick of?

Being referred to as girlfriend and calling him my boyfriend.

Not living together and spending more time with each other.

Since we don't live together I am never clued in to his plans...he'll tell me the next day oh I went out with so and so last night. Sometimes I'll hear about it a week later....not that I would keep him from going out...I just like to hear what is going on in his life and feel like I'm a part of it.

 

Ugh, I guess I'm just ready for the next step. I was kind of expecting a proposal over Christmas but I asked him yesterday if he had looked at any rings since we went and he said no but he had been thinking about it. WTF does that mean? Thinking about it?

 

I'm starting to think that maybe we want different things

[allina]

 

I'm starting to think that maybe we want different things

 

Sorry VP but this may be true. The issues seem to go further than just living together, as you say that you don't truly feel like a part of his life. Plus, at 33 he should be able to make up his mind after 2 years

 

It seems that over the past 6 months things have gotten worse, not better. You sound like you're emotionally distancing yourself. It's as if you're at a make it or break it point in the relationship. Is he aware of the relationship possible being on the line?

 

I know that when you last posted this I felt like it was still soon and you may have been putting pressure on him. However, 6 months later you're no closer, possibly further from engagement.

[Lauriebell82]

I agree with allina, VP. It sounds like your boyfriend is not going to make a comittment to you, and now he is trying to manipulate you into moving in with him by getting a female roommate. That is extremely disrespectful. Keep in mind that this type of behavior will carry over into a marriage with him.

 

I understand you love him and have invested yourself in this relationship. But I think you are right that you want different things. Maybe it's time to get out, as hard as that may be for you.

[Duckduckgoose]

The female roomie without discussing things with you is a HUGE red flag!

 

If he is disrespecting you like this now, do you think it will get better down the road?

 

BTW, him saying he thinks she's gay = he gets to watch lesbians in his apartment for free.

[SaraSmile90210]

I watched many of my friend move in with their boyfriends and never get engaged. And guess what...all the girls that waited got engaged. I said I would never move in with my boyfriend until we got married. They get too comfortable and things slow down. It's easier for other things to become a bigger priority because the cow is already in the barn. So yeah, I said I would never move in with my boyfriend...here I am living with my boyfriend. We have been together almost 2.5 years and have been living together almost 1.5. We decided it would be less expensive to live together when we moved out of state for our post college jobs. Now paying off student loans, our new careers, and finances are more important. Ohhh well... I warned myself.

[Duckduckgoose]

After living with my first husband before getting engaged or married I have serious misgivings about doing it again with someone else.

 

I don't know why... I just do. Statistics can lie, but most of the show that cohabitation before marriage increases risk of divorce. I stupidly thought it wouldn't apply to me. Haha... wrong.