Wants to live together before being engaged

[Opheliaimmortal]

You assume that all a man wants is you living with him, and then he's content.

 

Yes there are horror stories of the moving in and no marriage rut, but you rarely hear the ones of success. Not all men are looking to trick you into moving in with them using the marriage carrot dangled in front of your nose.

[nowomanocry]

From what you tell us

 

I have had a similar experience with a girl with whom we went out for about 1-2 months who was forcing me to get married asap and that really scared the hell out of me because I am very fond of my freedom, didn't want to loose it.

 

So I took a step back, told her it's not gonna work and she came back proposing to live together for a month or two and see how we go.

I said no & immediately dumped her.

 

In my case I saw her as a threat to my freedom and was a bit weary of why she would want to marry so soon.

 

 

 

Hope this gives you and idea.

[sunshinegirl]

Not living together before marriage is foolish. The actual daily grind of cohabitating with someone is a FAR different proposition than just dating. It is the day-in, day-out experience of living together that can destroy marriages. Better to find out if you are compatible now than after marriage, when the whole thing becomes a legal nightmare.

 

I have heard this line of reasoning a number of times, and it still baffles me. I have never lived with a boyfriend; my fiance will be moving in this weekend, but we have already decided on the wedding date, and we just bought a condo that we'll move into in 3 months - i.e. neither one of us feels the need to "road test" living together to know whether we're going to be compatible.

 

In every other relationship I've ever had, I've had a very good sense of each boyfriend's daily habits and quirks, based on significant amounts of time spent with them in a variety of circumstances (but not living together). I know how each one of them lived, kept their home, spent their time, prioritized their activities, what drove their up/down moods, etc...and I feel quite sure that I would not have been surprised by any dealbreaker behaviors had we lived together.

 

So I remain unclear what revelations occur when two people cohabitate. If you're paying attention, it seems to me that you can learn all you need to know without living under the same roof.

[Lauriebell82]

I have heard this line of reasoning a number of times, and it still baffles me. I have never lived with a boyfriend; my fiance will be moving in this weekend, but we have already decided on the wedding date, and we just bought a condo that we'll move into in 3 months - i.e. neither one of us feels the need to "road test" living together to know whether we're going to be compatible.

 

In every other relationship I've ever had, I've had a very good sense of each boyfriend's daily habits and quirks, based on significant amounts of time spent with them in a variety of circumstances (but not living together). I know how each one of them lived, kept their home, spent their time, prioritized their activities, what drove their up/down moods, etc...and I feel quite sure that I would not have been surprised by any dealbreaker behaviors had we lived together.

 

So I remain unclear what revelations occur when two people cohabitate. If you're paying attention, it seems to me that you can learn all you need to know without living under the same roof.

 

It's completely possible to discover your SO's quirks and annoying habits prior to living together/marriage. It's also completely possible to discover things (negative things!) AFTER living together that you would not have known otherwise. The ladder happened to me.

 

Personally, I don't think it matters whether or not a couple lives together before marriage. Is it helpful? Sure. But every couple is different. If it isn't right for you then don't do it.

[nowomanocry]

engagements are meant to be broken

 

Yeah agree with Alphamale

 

Why women are so eager to get into this marriage or fiance thing anyway. That I do not understand. If it happens it happens if not then what?

 

Why push things all the time? There's nothing that would prevent you to be with the person for a lifetime. You can be together as partners as long as you want?

[Lauriebell82]

Yeah agree with Alphamale

 

Why women are so eager to get into this marriage or fiance thing anyway. That I do not understand. If it happens it happens if not then what?

 

Why push things all the time? There's nothing that would prevent you to be with the person for a lifetime. You can be together as partners as long as you want?

 

It's a girl thing..however not all girls grow up dreaming of their wedding/marriage.

 

I think more traditional women value marriage and put it on a pedestal, and more contemporary women either are not in a hurry to marry or do not want to marry at all.

 

I told fiance this though, that women dream about their wedding/marriage and it's just something men decide they will do.

[carhill]

Some people like a legal commitment from/to a person they are co-mingling their lives, incomes and assets with. Some don't care. Both perspectives are valid. I personally wouldn't co-mingle my life, income and assets with someone with whom I didn't have a legal commitment/contract. I like clarity. Others, more nebulous. That's OK; different paths.

 

Sharing this to demonstrate that it's not just women who push for marriage and commitment in a relationship. It's *people*. Get a pre-nup and a compatible partner and enjoy

 

OP, got the chapel and hall booked yet? My instinct is it isn't going to happen anytime soon and you will cave and move in with him. Post back here and prove me wrong.

[Lauriebell82]

 

OP, got the chapel and hall booked yet? My instinct is it isn't going to happen anytime soon and you will cave and move in with him. Post back here and prove me wrong.

 

Yeah, but even if she does move in with him, it doesn't mean he won't propose. I'm living proof of that!

 

Personally, I don't think she should use cohabitation as a ploy for an engagement either. I understand why she would do that to protect herself, but it would be almost like she was holding it over his head. Men don't usually like games, just like women don't.

 

If a man wants to propose and marry his girlfriend, living together won't stop him. It will just be an excuse to justify the fact that he either isn't ready to get married or doesn't want to marry her at all.

[carhill]

I guess my perspective comes from having a well-established life, business, social circle and 'plan' when I got married at a far older age. If one is young, just starting out, has great prospects but few real assets, then the legal part isn't quite as big a deal, practically speaking. Witness MikeyMad's divorce at 27, with him just starting his medical practice. Smooth and pretty painless, absent his spouse's infidelity. They were both young, didn't have much, just starting out, so 'breaking up' didn't hurt them much. Tack on a bunch of years and and a bunch of zeros and things change.

 

Noting the OP is 33 and her intended is 37, and neither have been married, this indicates to me that they likely have built substantial lives on their own, which will co-mingle when they co-habitate. I know, at 37, such was the case for myself. Far different than being mid-late 20's.

 

Then there's 'I had already made it clear in conversations past this was not going to happen and that it would be a compromise for me to even live together before marriage.' This is the OP's perspective. In 'compromise', there is bend on both sides. What's the BF's 'bend'?

[nowomanocry]

Some people like a legal commitment from/to a person they are co-mingling their lives, incomes and assets with. Some don't care. Both perspectives are valid. I personally wouldn't co-mingle my life, income and assets with someone with whom I didn't have a legal commitment/contract. I like clarity. Others, more nebulous. That's OK; different paths.

 

Sharing this to demonstrate that it's not just women who push for marriage and commitment in a relationship. It's *people*. Get a pre-nup and a compatible partner and enjoy

 

OP, got the chapel and hall booked yet? My instinct is it isn't going to happen anytime soon and you will cave and move in with him. Post back here and prove me wrong.

 

So if legally committed the relationship works if not it doesn't ?

 

I am not talking about the finance aspect of it. I am into the relationship lasting at least for a while (for a lifetime as some might say promising each other and then quitting sooner or later)

 

So what you say is a signature make things clerarer?

 

There are no two different paths into a relationship lasting. only one and that is mutual love & trust and facing good times and bad times together. Not signing a pre-nup or whatever.

 

If you signing a pre-nup that proves that you don't trust the other party. So, if that the case why you try to marry someone that you don't trust?

 

Whats a compatible partner look like lol

[Lauriebell82]

I guess my perspective comes from having a well-established life, business, social circle and 'plan' when I got married at a far older age. If one is young, just starting out, has great prospects but few real assets, then the legal part isn't quite as big a deal, practically speaking. Witness MikeyMad's divorce at 27, with him just starting his medical practice. Smooth and pretty painless, absent his spouse's infidelity. They were both young, didn't have much, just starting out, so 'breaking up' didn't hurt them much. Tack on a bunch of years and and a bunch of zeros and things change.

 

Noting the OP is 33 and her intended is 37, and neither have been married, this indicates to me that they likely have built substantial lives on their own, which will co-mingle when they co-habitate. I know, at 37, such was the case for myself. Far different than being mid-late 20's.

 

Then there's 'I had already made it clear in conversations past this was not going to happen and that it would be a compromise for me to even live together before marriage.' This is the OP's perspective. In 'compromise', there is bend on both sides. What's the BF's 'bend'?

 

Yeah, those are very good points. IMO I don't think marriage/cohabitation should be a "compromise." That just means one person doesn't really want it..dangerous ground. If she doesn't move in with him and he doesn't propose then neither person is getting what they want. That sucks doesn't it?

 

Since they are both older, I don't know what the OP's boyfriend is waiting for. He either is not ready or doesn't want to marry her.

[Lauriebell82]

So if legally committed the relationship works if not it doesn't ?

 

I am not talking about the finance aspect of it. I am into the relationship lasting at least for a while (for a lifetime as some might say promising each other and then quitting sooner or later)

 

So what you say is a signature make things clerarer?

 

There are no two different paths into a relationship lasting. only one and that is mutual love & trust and facing good times and bad times together. Not signing a pre-nup or whatever.

 

If you signing a pre-nup that proves that you don't trust the other party. So, if that the case why you try to marry someone that you don't trust?

 

Whats a compatible partner look like lol

 

I think carhill was just stating his opinion/experience. He is going through a divorce so he is speaking through his own experience. I personally would not sign a prenup, but that's just me.

 

This will go off topic though, so I will put it back on. I'm hoping the OP comes back with an update, I would like to hear what is going on with her.

[carhill]

So what you say is a signature make things clerarer?

Yes, signing a marriage certificate in front of friends, family and a duly licensed official of marriage does make things clearer, for me.

 

Since stbx, absent a pre-nup, took a substantial amount of my pre-marital net worth, both in settlement and by 'spending it down' while married, I'll not be 'co-mingling' any part of myself, my business or my assets without a legally binding contract in the future. I'll say the words some female LS'ers hate to hear, 'trust with verification'; I practice now what women have long practiced. Be wary of those who come to one soliciting affections. Life goes on

[nowomanocry]

Yes, signing a marriage certificate in front of friends, family and a duly licensed official of marriage does make things clearer, for me.

 

Since stbx, absent a pre-nup, took a substantial amount of my pre-marital net worth, both in settlement and by 'spending it down' while married, I'll not be 'co-mingling' any part of myself, my business or my assets without a legally binding contract in the future. I'll say the words some female LS'ers hate to hear, 'trust with verification'; I practice now what women have long practiced. Be wary of those who come to one soliciting affections. Life goes on

 

Carhill

 

I'll stop here because we are talking about two different things. I am talking about a long lasting relationship here, love and TRUST while you are into the legal formalities like pre-nup etc..

 

Thanks for the reply anyway.

 

Have a good day

[carhill]

The OP wants to get married and solicited perspective from those who did not/will not live together prior to marriage. I offered my perspective about living together versus marriage, based on experience. I try to keep things on-topic, regardless of responses I receive.

[nowomanocry]

I think carhill was just stating his opinion/experience. He is going through a divorce so he is speaking through his own experience. I personally would not sign a prenup, but that's just me.

 

This will go off topic though, so I will put it back on. I'm hoping the OP comes back with an update, I would like to hear what is going on with her.

 

You have every right to call it quits to a man asking a pre-nup agreement. If there is no trust then leave it!

 

Sorry for Carhill. My sympathies.

 

Yeah, looking forward to OPs update.

[ADF]

Yeah agree with Alphamale

 

Why women are so eager to get into this marriage or fiance thing anyway. That I do not understand. If it happens it happens if not then what?

 

Why push things all the time? There's nothing that would prevent you to be with the person for a lifetime. You can be together as partners as long as you want?

 

The problem is that when a man refuses to marry a woman, he is sending her a clear message: he wants an easy out. No matter how long they are together, no matter how many years of her life the woman invests in the man, he wants to be able to walk away at any time, oweing her nothing and never having to look back. How can that not make a woman feel insecure and unloved?

 

Look at it this way: men can have children well into middle age and beyond. Women don't have that option. A woman who wastes 10, 15, 20 years on a man who won't commit, who want to keep his options forever open, has lost her one shot at having a family. The man hasn't. That is why most men don't want to commit. They have nothing to lose by just "hanging out" with a woman forver. But women have a HUGE amount to lose by not getting a commitment.

[nowomanocry]

The problem is that when a man refuses to marry a woman, he is sending her a clear message: he wants an easy out. No matter how long they are together, no matter how many years of her life the woman invests in the man, he wants to be able to walk away at any time, oweing her nothing and never having to look back. How can that not make a woman feel insecure and unloved?

 

Look at it this way: men can have children well into middle age and beyond. Women don't have that option. A woman who wastes 10, 15, 20 years on a man who won't commit, who want to keep his options forever open, has lost her one shot at having a family. The man hasn't. That is why most men don't want to commit. They have nothing to lose by just "hanging out" with a woman forver. But women have a HUGE amount to lose by not getting a commitment.

 

Refusal or not... You can live as partners in a relationship where there is mutual love and trust. What you write can not be anything more than an assumption. Furthermore, a boyfriend or lover is not an insurance company. A woman feeling unloved and insecure just because of that is ridiculous. In that case I have every right in doubting the woman's love in a man. Likewise, a man asking for a pre-nup in marriage lacks the thing called TRUST. I am sorry but, in both cases there is no good in pursuing the relationship. In first case the female lacks self-esteem and does not trust the male whileas in the second case the male does not trust the female. Simple as.

 

Your second paragraph stresses differences between our biologies. Again here I say, it is all upto the couple to remain as partners or get married, have kids or not. It will be funny to ask a male to marry saying "I'm 40 and my times of having a kid is running out so let's marry and have kids. We don't have any time to loose...." Issues like having a child at a certain age are all factors that are secondary when it comes to loving each other and being in a relationship based on trust. Sorry but, I do not buy that one either )

Edited May 25, 2010 by nowomanocry

[norajane]

Someone who doesn't want to marry is not as committed to the relationship as someone who does. You can say that he is just as committed, but it is not the same as actually making a commitment of marriage.

 

Marriage implies that breaking up is a last resort when there's just no way to make the marriage work, and it implies that you intend to do everything you can to make the marriage work. Living together is just that - living together. It's much easier to walk away from that level of commitment.

[carhill]

I'm happy to report a new, loving couple who are choosing to cohabitate; according to them, there will be no marriage. There's love, trust, and they will purchase a new house together. She will sell her old house and he is letting his daughter live in his. Both were married over 40 years and lost their lifelong spouses. Both have trusts set up to make sure each person's wishes are fulfilled with regard to heirs and their families. They're comfortable, happy, in love and both mid-70's. They're 'compatible'. Balance.

[Opheliaimmortal]

Someone who doesn't want to marry is not as committed to the relationship as someone who does. You can say that he is just as committed, but it is not the same as actually making a commitment of marriage.

 

Marriage implies that breaking up is a last resort when there's just no way to make the marriage work, and it implies that you intend to do everything you can to make the marriage work. Living together is just that - living together. It's much easier to walk away from that level of commitment.

 

 

That first line is ridiculous. Just because a girl is marriage crazed and obsessed with it does not always mean she is more committed. She just needs the validation of the marriage certificate more.

[carhill]

That first line is ridiculous. Just because a girl is marriage crazed and obsessed with it does not always mean she is more committed. She just needs the validation of the marriage certificate more.

I agree, though stop at characterizing an opinion as 'ridiculous'. The same might pertain to the man. The balance is in the *actions* which support the pronouncement of commitment. Continuity of action and word. Compatibility of perspective wrt the compromises necessary to any interpersonal relationship. They can do it

[nowomanocry]

That first line is ridiculous. Just because a girl is marriage crazed and obsessed with it does not always mean she is more committed. She just needs the validation of the marriage certificate more.

 

Opheliaimmortal - I'm impressed with this comment. I really am. Wow!

[nowomanocry]

I'm happy to report a new, loving couple who are choosing to cohabitate; according to them, there will be no marriage. There's love, trust, and they will purchase a new house together. She will sell her old house and he is letting his daughter live in his. Both were married over 40 years and lost their lifelong spouses. Both have trusts set up to make sure each person's wishes are fulfilled with regard to heirs and their families. They're comfortable, happy, in love and both mid-70's. They're 'compatible'. Balance.

 

Carhill, if this is real I am really shocked by delight. Wow man!

[carhill]

Quite real. Neighbor of my best friend. Made millions moving houses. Great guy. He cared for his wife for three years as she died of cancer. I'm glad he's found someone compatible.