sex & marriage: a wife's view

[atlnay]

it is a waste of your youth and energy to deny your body the pleasure of sex with your partner. eventually, you will be of an age where it may not be physically possible and you wont ever get your youth back.

 

live life, stop denying yourself.

 

That. says it all. The bolded parts are what i focus on daily.

[Luv2dance]

She was just trying to show the balance, the other side of the coin. See as a woman it's very difficult to have a good sex life in a LTR without good intimacy and communication.

 

How on earth would you know whether there are no men on LS with intimacy problems? There are plenty with communication problems. There are both sides to every story.

 

What I've seen is that men and women want to be WANTED by their H or W, and men like that to be in the form of sex, women in the form of intimacy. To not get that from your H or W can lead to the end of the relationship in some shape or form...That is a common theme on LS, and that's what I took from Samantha and Jeff's posts

 

I totally agree...it seems to be a vicious cycle! For men no sex=no caring about what she needs...for women no caring about my needs=no sex...

[Jersey Shortie]

the general concensus is a low libio wife `

…should be matched up with her male counterpart.

 

teenagers should be taught to spot a low libido female at school...

 

Your statement, and the second statement..two different things. If you teach teenage boys that they should be looking out for the female who wants to do it the most, you are setting them up, and the girls up for failure. As an adult, and learning what to give and take and what you want to match up on, is a seperate thing.

 

 

 

Sex is such a need for us men. I hate being a prisoner to this fact because it usually brings frustration and dissappointment.

 

When sex is not constant I;

 

#1. Get pissy and stay pissy.

#2. Stop doing little things for my wife.

#3. Could care less if her emotional needs are being met.

#4. Am somewhat cold and distant.

#5. Think about other women.

#6. Have no desire to go on a date, hold hands or snuggle because I know it will lead nowhere.

 

What comes first? The Chicken or the egg? Alot of men naturally do feel less connected to their wives/gfs if they stop having frequent sex. Understandable. But there are things men do, sometimes without knowing it, that cause women to not feel like having sex with him. Just as her not having sex with you makes you stop doing little things for her. She senses that he stops doing little things for her and she feels even less likely to want to have sex with him. It's a cycle.

[Samantha0905]

Another woman turning it on the man..... Not a single male here (sure they are out there, but certainly not around LS) has an intimacy problem, but somehow you had to bring that up???? Why?????

 

Not trying to rile you up. I was just stating how I felt. I wasn't turning it on the man -- I was saying it's a quandary. Sex and intimacy are not the same thing. Sex is a part of intimacy. I'm sure you know that. It appears you are saying a man needs sex. Period. Speaking for myself, I need some other things to occur before I desire to be with someone sexually. I don't want to just perform sex in order to make him happy. I want there to be an intimate union and that involves him actually knowing who I am and how I feel about things. It includes a lot of communication. It includes a lot of things that must be present in order for me to enjoy the sex part.

[Samantha0905]

Right there with you gal. I've played the, be her friend and get to know her intimatley thing, no matter how I feel. Go out of my way to make sure her needs are met. Pay attention to her, hold her hand. Hug her, kiss her, ask her how she is doing. Do other little things for her, back rubs, foot rubs, etc. Draw her a hot bubble bath, bring her her favorite glass of wine. Then when you playfully try to get her in bed, BLAMMO. Shot down. It get's old after awhile, then one can become bitter to a point. After a while it almost gets to be what's the whole point, this person does not appreciate me.

 

That may be how my husband is feeling right now. It's a shame if both people in a relationship are not having their needs met and have a hard time communicating that with one another. I'm sorry you are experiencing it also.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

She was just trying to show the balance, the other side of the coin. See as a woman it's very difficult to have a good sex life in a LTR without good intimacy and communication.

 

How on earth would you know whether there are no men on LS with intimacy problems? There are plenty with communication problems. There are both sides to every story.

 

What I've seen is that men and women want to be WANTED by their H or W, and men like that to be in the form of sex, women in the form of intimacy. To not get that from your H or W can lead to the end of the relationship in some shape or form...That is a common theme on LS, and that's what I took from Samantha and Jeff's posts

 

We know and readily admit it.... We also know women can use this trump card anytime they wish as it is simply a floating target. We can think we are providing all the intimacy and communication required (or to our abilities) and you as a woman, simply have to say "no you are not".....

 

As for sex, pretty simple, you have it or not......

[Samantha0905]

We know and readily admit it.... We also know women can use this trump card anytime they wish as it is simply a floating target. We can think we are providing all the intimacy and communication required (or to our abilities) and you as a woman, simply have to say "no you are not".....

 

As for sex, pretty simple, you have it or not......

 

No it's not that simple. That's my point. Not for women anyway. Plus, it's not some sort of game involving a trump card. It's hard to describe how differently men and women think on this. I'm speaking generalities here -- I'm sure it's not every man and not every woman. There's obviously a gender gap in required needs.

[giotto]

Jersey, the second statement was mine and it was a joke, unless you don't understand the meaning of a smiley (that you dutifully removed to make your point), which is a bit worrying after nearly 3,000 posts...

 

Your statement, and the second statement..two different things. If you teach teenage boys that they should be looking out for the female who wants to do it the most, you are setting them up, and the girls up for failure. As an adult, and learning what to give and take and what you want to match up on, is a seperate thing.

 

 

[BB07]

It is my firm belief that in marriages where the wife has no desire to be with her husband yet says she loves him to death, there are in fact many little resentments that have built up over time, and she has in fact, literally and figuratively, "closed herself off" to her husband. By definition if you are in love with someone, you want to sexually merge with them, in fact it is hard to keep it off your mind./QUOTE]

 

 

BINGO!

 

I can't speak for everyone but I know resentment is what killed my desire for my husband in my previous marriage. Resentment is a ugly nasty thing that will kill desire and love if not kept in check.

 

 

Another point I wanted to bring up is there are lots of men here who aren't happy with the frequency, but I suspect there are lots of men who just don't speak up who are perfectly happy with how often they are getting it. After all it's ingrained in our brains to believe that men want it more often than woman, not saying it's true, but it's what society has led us to believe for the last 200 years. Besides....men that are happy with the frequency in their sex life aren't going to be posting here.

[carhill]

Sex is a part of intimacy.

 

IMO, it's a wonderful expression of the intimacy I feel.

 

We can think we are providing all the intimacy and communication required (or to our abilities) and you as a woman, simply have to say "no you are not".....

 

We can ask and/or our spouse can proactively communicate their intimacy and sexual needs, just as we (male spouse) can communicate our intimacy and sexual needs.

 

I asked a question in the sexless marriage thread as to whether the wives involved actually have communicated to the husbands that they are meeting the wive's needs for intimacy.... 'Honey, I feel loved, desired and understood. You're a great husband and I can't imagine life without you'..... one small example. Then, match that up with being too (insert 'reason') to express those feelings sexually.

 

To be honest, I think when one partner has to chase (or spend their time figuring out/thinking about/posting on LS about) their partner this hard, it's time for a D. I've lived this. Trust me, it will not happen again.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

To answer your questions mem11363, I derive pleasure because it gives him pleasure and he makes an effort to be loving (in and out of bed) and see that I have an orgasm. I know that he loves me and therefore I can rally about 95% of the time that he's in the mood (the other 5% of the time I might really not be feeling up to it, either physically or emotionally). He can rally about 99% of the time that I'm in the mood!

 

As long as I know he loves me and I love him, I will continue to rally. So far I have not found myself agreeing to sex just to keep him from being unhappy.

 

 

Well this not the question or statement that was originally posed.

 

Yet scarier and scarier is your cautionary tale. A loving husband, does what a "husband" is expected to do..... yet the point of the story is he is wonderful, loves you, gives you an orgasm and yet you have to rally to have sex with him....

 

Sad does not even begin to convey my feelings about this.....

[Jeff1962]

Crap. Now I'm all bummed out over this topic.

 

If my wife were to tell me in all honesty that, "hey, I need this or that from you", I would jump thru hoops and fight dragons with a butter knife and stuff like that;) to make her happy because I love her and I want to make her happy.

 

This whole sex/intimacy topic has me down today. As a man I too desire intimacy, I really do. I need to feel loved and needed and appreciated. I would like nothing more than true intimacy with my wife. I feel that this is missing on both ends of my relationship.

 

I fantasise about really being loved by a woman all the time. I am growing tired of the whole senario. Fantasies, desire, longing, lonliness, frustration, masturbation. I'm about ready to give up on the whole damn thing.

[nddb]

To be fair,

 

there are times my wife has been absolutely wonderful but I have to rally to show attentiveness or that she's thought of/adored. It's in my head, but I'm tired/distracted/have other things to do, and without rallying, I am not able to spontaneously do them.

 

The point is if you love someone, you do what makes them happy, even if there are times you don't feel 100% up to it.

 

I analogize it to having kids. You don't have an option not to feel like taking them to school, not cooking dinner for them. You made a commitment when you decide to have kids, and you do it because you love them even though sometimes you need to rally to do it. Same thing with marriage. You do it even though you don't feel 100% at times because you love your spouse and know it makes your spouse happy.

 

Wives who "don't" feel like having sex with their husbands are breaching a major commitment, IMHO. And I'm speaking as a husband who is content, whose wife has a somewhat higher sex drive than myself most weeks.

 

Husbands who don't provide companionship, partnership, love, attention are breaching their commitments too. But if the husband is putting in his effort, I am of the opinion that wives need to suck it up (no pun intended) and do her part.

 

Marriage IS hard work, ya know... especially in this world of 24/7 temptation.

[giotto]

 

I fantasise about really being loved by a woman all the time. I am growing tired of the whole senario. Fantasies, desire, longing, lonliness, frustration, masturbation. I'm about ready to give up on the whole damn thing.

 

Jeff... join the club!!!

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Jeff... join the club!!!

 

we've been put in our place...... Actually the 10 months on LS, has made me find a new found appreciation of my spouse, considering the options..... I really never realized just how lucky I am...

Edited March 1, 2010 by Toodamnpragmatic

[silverfish]

IMO, it's a wonderful expression of the intimacy I feel.

 

We can ask and/or our spouse can proactively communicate their intimacy and sexual needs, just as we (male spouse) can communicate our intimacy and sexual needs.

 

I asked a question in the sexless marriage thread as to whether the wives involved actually have communicated to the husbands that they are meeting the wive's needs for intimacy.... 'Honey, I feel loved, desired and understood. You're a great husband and I can't imagine life without you'..... one small example. Then, match that up with being too (insert 'reason') to express those feelings sexually.

 

To be honest, I think when one partner has to chase (or spend their time figuring out/thinking about/posting on LS about) their partner this hard, it's time for a D. I've lived this. Trust me, it will not happen again.

 

Bolded part? Ditto, I agree with this. The men on here posting and so on, I feel, should be sort of exempted from the whole 'intimacy' debate anyway, simply because they have come here seeking sometimes harsh views on how to make their relationship better.

 

It's the men that aren't that I'm concerned more xoncerned with

[silverfish]

Crap. Now I'm all bummed out over this topic.

 

If my wife were to tell me in all honesty that, "hey, I need this or that from you", I would jump thru hoops and fight dragons with a butter knife and stuff like that;) to make her happy because I love her and I want to make her happy.

 

This whole sex/intimacy topic has me down today. As a man I too desire intimacy, I really do. I need to feel loved and needed and appreciated. I would like nothing more than true intimacy with my wife. I feel that this is missing on both ends of my relationship.

 

I fantasise about really being loved by a woman all the time. I am growing tired of the whole senario. Fantasies, desire, longing, lonliness, frustration, masturbation. I'm about ready to give up on the whole damn thing.

 

If you speak like you write then your wife is crazy

[silverfish]

we've been put in our place...... Actually the 10 months on LS, has made me find a new found appreciation of my spouse, considering the options..... I really never realized just how lucky I am...

 

Haha....TDP, that's a little insulting to all the women who've taken the time to be honest with you and others on here, but, fair enough, if after all that it makes you appreciate your missus more, then I guess you've got what you need out of it.

 

Who knows what your W would write with the anonymity of the internet to protect you from the harsh reality of her feelings. Who knows what the men in our lives would write? Maybe it wouldn't be too far off what you & I read here, which is why we don't say these things in real life?

[Samantha0905]

Haha....TDP, that's a little insulting to all the women who've taken the time to be honest with you and others on here, but, fair enough, if after all that it makes you appreciate your missus more, then I guess you've got what you need out of it.

 

Who knows what your W would write with the anonymity of the internet to protect you from the harsh reality of her feelings. Who knows what the men in our lives would write? Maybe it wouldn't be too far off what you & I read here, which is why we don't say these things in real life?

 

Isn't that the truth?! Perhaps if we were more open in the first place, a lot of these troubles could be avoided.

[mem11363]

TDP,

Pole Cat says yes 95% of the time to his requests despite not really having much libido. THAT is true love.

 

Pole Cat,

My wife has ALWAYS had a lower libido than me and she has always stepped up in bed because she knows how much it matters to me.

 

Recently, because she is depressed her libido has completely crashed - I would say it is now zero. Been that way for almost a month.

 

And for the last few weeks she won't even let me try to get her to the finish line. Still all I have to do is ask - and she connects with me. I just don't ask much because I really do feel bad for her.

 

they just don't think about it.... Yes we men think about it and want it all the time..... We look forward to the weekend and the kids falling asleep early, time spent alone..... So women don't think about, but like it.... That is the dichotomy.....

 

My spouse loves to watch certain shows.... She misses them, no big deal.... Does she think about them all week? No.... But when it's on, she watches and enjoys it. A facile analogy, but so simple and appropo....

 

So I am still so sad reading the OP, and scared of what I read more and more of on LS.... Women just not caring enough, and justifying their feelings without doing the work necessary to fix it....

 

Again why is sex so different????

[silverfish]

Isn't that the truth?! Perhaps if we were more open in the first place, a lot of these troubles could be avoided.

 

A lot of us were younger when we met our partners, it's so hard to be open, because you get typecast. You get typecast by your partner, in whatever way be it intimacy or sexually...it becomes rigid and boring.

 

You have sex in the same way, your words become like stones in a pond...leaving ripples that just upset and confuse, that have cause and effect on your children, family and even friends.

 

No one wants to hear what the other is saying, and it becomes a power struggle. It takes a massive crisis before one partner takes the other seriously, and at that point it's hard to deal with without outside help

Edited March 2, 2010 by silverfish

[Samantha0905]

A lot of us were younger when we met our partners, it's so hard to be open, because you get typecast. You get typecast by your partner, in whatever way be it intimacy or sexually...it becomes rigid and boring.

 

You have sex in the same way, your words become like stones in a pond...leaving ripples that just upset and confuse, that have cause and effect on your children, family and even friends.

 

No one wants to hear what the other is saying, and it becomes a power struggle. It takes a massive crisis before one partner takes the other seriously, and at that point it's hard to deal with without outside help

 

Interesting perspective. There's a lot of truth in that. It is difficult to be open in long term relationships, we do get typecast. I suppose both partners do that to each other. It's so difficult having met so young. I'd like to hear what my husband has to say. I just wish he would talk. Maybe there will eventually be an even bigger breakdown than the affair. Something will get out. I just hope it's at a point where the relationship is salvageable if it's meant to be.

[Mr. Lucky]

You have sex in the same way, your words become like stones in a pond...leaving ripples that just upset and confuse, that have cause and effect on your children, family and even friends.

I'm going to guess that you don't work for Hallmark?

 

Mr. Lucky

[silverfish]

I'm going to guess that you don't work for Hallmark?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Erk no..if I did it would at least rhyme and have a bear in the corner...

[Mr. Lucky]

Erk no..if I did it would at least rhyme and have a bear in the corner...

Your sentence was almost haiku-like. Does Hallmark have a Japanese division?

 

Mr. Lucky