troggleputty Posted February 27, 2010 Share Posted February 27, 2010 Suggestion: Is it at all possible for you to find a different boyfriend who 1) is actually physically present for you to interact with IRL on a reasonably frequent basis; and 2) does not fantasize about watching you with other guys, or himself being with other guys, etc.? It actually sounds like your entire relationship with this fellow is pretty much fantasy-based. I suppose if you don't really think the two of you ever have an actual future together "in real life" it doesn't much matter what he does or doesn't fantasize about. The sexting etc. is just an aid for mutual masturbation. It's not a real relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted February 27, 2010 Share Posted February 27, 2010 You sex life : Is it high and fulfilling ? Yes, it is. How soon ( be honest ) in your chats online before you met did he or you talk about sex ? I guess our chats before meeting were sexually charged, but we never literally talked about sex. If he chose to be with a man tonight ( with or without your knowledge )- How would you feel about that if he did ? The gender doesn't matter to me. If he was with a man or woman, it would be cheating and I wouldn't tolerate it. Okay, some more questions : How long have you been talking to him online ? How much real time have you spent with him ? ( hours , days, weeks or months ) You seem to be okay if he * wants * sex with another guy but not if he needs it . In the end, the only thing that really matters is if you want to spend time with this man regardless of which sex he prefers. If you have not spent at least 6 months real time with him then you really don't know him that well. So many things to know and on LDR's the true reality is when you spend daily time with him for many months. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pandagirl Posted February 28, 2010 Author Share Posted February 28, 2010 Okay, some more questions : How long have you been talking to him online ? I talked to him online for maybe two weeks before we met. How much real time have you spent with him ? ( hours , days, weeks or months ) We dated for two months before he had to move due to his work situation. We saw each other 3-4 times a week during this time, and he lived with me for a week before he left because he had to move out of his place. If you have not spent at least 6 months real time with him then you really don't know him that well. So many things to know and on LDR's the true reality is when you spend daily time with him for many months. Obviously, we haven't known each other that long, but we have spent a lot of time together, from meeting each other's friends, staying in, going out, I helped him move, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
PhillyDude Posted February 28, 2010 Share Posted February 28, 2010 So my fantasy of having take off her shoes and walk on top of me doesn't seem too bad now-lol Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted February 28, 2010 Share Posted February 28, 2010 (edited) Wow, lots of terminology being used here which I think gay people might find offensive. Lots of homophobes on this board! It's not about being against homosexuals. Personally, I couldn't care less if a person is homosexual or not. But I do start caring a lot about it when they pretend they're something they're not and ruin other people's lives in the process. This is what I believe is most likely happening here. What the OP considers being open about sex is going to be her downfall someday. It's called being too tolerant and not having enough boundaries. Edited February 28, 2010 by Angel1111 Link to post Share on other sites
harmfulsweetz Posted February 28, 2010 Share Posted February 28, 2010 This will crop up some more in the future. Sure, he's fine now not to do it, but later on-I doubt he'll feel the same. This is more than just a fantasy, because he's tried it (and I don't believe he hasn't been with a male before sorry, but it's likely he told you that to calm you down). There's nothing wrong with being homosexual, bisexual or bi-curious, but he should at least have the balls to be honest about it with you. See, if they're just fantasies, he's at the least bi-curious. I think he's deceiving you by not being out and out honest with you about his sexuality. Why do we need labels? Because they help people choose what kind of person is right for us, if he's bisexual, great, but shouldn't you know before you got involved with him? Put it this way: There's a camper than camp guy, he befriends a girl, she carries on with him, undresses in front of him, etc etc believing he is gay, turns out he is straight. What's my point? Had he told her he was straight (and not given off the impression he was gay) she would have chosen to act differently around him. You deserve to have that choice. You're burying your head in the sound about this, IMO. I'm bisexual, but when I get into relationships, I tell my partner this. If it made him/her uncomfortable, I'd like him/her to be honest about it, and leave, rather than pretending to be straight/lesbian only to admit it later on that I am not that at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted February 28, 2010 Share Posted February 28, 2010 I talked to him online for maybe two weeks before we met. We dated for two months before he had to move due to his work situation. We saw each other 3-4 times a week during this time, and he lived with me for a week before he left because he had to move out of his place. Obviously, we haven't known each other that long, but we have spent a lot of time together, from meeting each other's friends, staying in, going out, I helped him move, etc. So in terms of real time you have spent about 1 week plus 100 hours over 2 months . Which works out to 2 weeks real time ..Two weeks.. your are likely still in the limerance stage or honeymoon stage. If you decide to continue dating I would give it 6 months real time and like most couples , your fights or disagreements which will come at some point ( fights don't mean the end , it just means you are two different people and you are working on getting to know eachother ) It's not the fights but how you both recover from them and grow. Learning whats important to you both. If during this time you learn he is very keen on having sex with a man and you are okay with it , then move forward. There is a possibility he is very keen on males but will never reveal the total attraction.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author pandagirl Posted February 28, 2010 Author Share Posted February 28, 2010 (edited) So in terms of real time you have spent about 1 week plus 100 hours over 2 months . Which works out to 2 weeks real time ..Two weeks.. your are likely still in the limerance stage or honeymoon stage. If you decide to continue dating I would give it 6 months real time and like most couples , your fights or disagreements which will come at some point ( fights don't mean the end , it just means you are two different people and you are working on getting to know eachother ) It's not the fights but how you both recover from them and grow. Learning whats important to you both. If during this time you learn he is very keen on having sex with a man and you are okay with it , then move forward. There is a possibility he is very keen on males but will never reveal the total attraction.... You are right! I haven't spent enough time with him to really know how compatible we are. We've had a few disagreements already, but they're calmly resolved by communication, compromise and listening. And yes, if his sexuality become more of a prevalent issue, then yes, this is means to break it off. Part of the reason I'm being lax about this is because we simply don't know each other well enough to jump to any conclusions. As a side note, one of my good girlfriends married a man whose previous relationship was with a man before her. They were married for eight years, and have just recently separated. The reasons for splitting had nothing to do with his sexuality or sex. He is actually still in love with her and wants to make it work, however she is bored of the marriage and wanted out. I guess my point is, the past isn't always an indicator of the future -- it has to do with the commitment towards the relationship. Edited February 28, 2010 by pandagirl Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted February 28, 2010 Share Posted February 28, 2010 You are right! I haven't spent enough time with him to really know how compatible we are. We've had a few disagreements already, but they're calmly resolved by communication, compromise and listening. And yes, if his sexuality become more of a prevalent issue, then yes, this is means to break it off. Part of the reason I'm being lax about this is because we simply don't know each other well enough to jump to any conclusions. As a side note, one of my good girlfriends married a man whose previous relationship was with a man before her. They were married for eight years, and have just recently separated. The reasons for splitting had nothing to do with his sexuality or sex. He is actually still in love with her and wants to make it work, however she is bored of the marriage and wanted out. I guess my point is, the past isn't always an indicator of the future -- it has to do with the commitment towards the relationship. I am glad you see where I was going with this in regards to the time thing. We all know couples who move so fast that they really don't know eachother and say " Wth happened ? ". I always advise my friends to really get to know that person. That LAST place you want to get to know them is after you have married them... Your friend ( putting the sexuality aside ) likely felt bored or awkward in the relationship because she did know about his past. They may have had sexual issues you and I don't know about. Either way , from knowing bi-sexual males , they DO struggle with the normalcy of a hetro mono relationship. Meaning : They either fess up in the beginning and the woman works through it with them or they DENY that they are attracted to men and sneak on the down low train... Link to post Share on other sites
Author pandagirl Posted February 28, 2010 Author Share Posted February 28, 2010 I am glad you see where I was going with this in regards to the time thing. We all know couples who move so fast that they really don't know eachother and say " Wth happened ? ". I always advise my friends to really get to know that person. That LAST place you want to get to know them is after you have married them... Your friend ( putting the sexuality aside ) likely felt bored or awkward in the relationship because she did know about his past. They may have had sexual issues you and I don't know about. Either way , from knowing bi-sexual males , they DO struggle with the normalcy of a hetro mono relationship. Meaning : They either fess up in the beginning and the woman works through it with them or they DENY that they are attracted to men and sneak on the down low train... I'm actually kind of practical when it comes to relationships. I'm not one to ignore red flags, because I'm in the throws of new romance, so believe me -- I am keeping an eye on this. As for my friend, I know her very well, and she didn't feel weird about his past. It was more of a result of them getting together when they were very young and growing apart. Link to post Share on other sites
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