My boyfriend has a really kinky fantasy...

[Barky]

Your BF has had homosexual relations and did not tell you about them? I would be livid PG.

 

Yikes why? There are some things that people don't tell others for any reason ever.

 

There are some kinky things I've done that NOBODY will ever know. I assumed everyone was that way.

[Sharla]

I'm not actually upset about the homosexual part.

 

I'm upset that this is something I can't give him, that he might want, and if so, this means we're not compatible.

 

I told him that, and he said that he doesn't think he needs that with me. But I tend to believe if this is something that really turns him on and has had it before, he's going to want it again.

 

Once again, oh my.

[pandagirl]

Pandagirl, I said maybe he just wanted his prostate stroked from the beginning, but now with the extra info I'm seeing the words "TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET" written all over your boyfriend. I've been to Miami (and loved it!) And all I have to say is, if he moves there then I have a sneaking suspicion your guy is going to act on his fantasy. If the opportunity presents itself you bet he'll take it, he's already basically told you he would.

 

Him being gay isn't my concern!

 

 

I wouldn't worry too much about any of it, to be honest. It seems clear that he DOES think of you highly. Don't let a hiccup potentially blow up into a self-fulfilling sabotage prophecy, especially if most of the other facets of the relationship are fairly solid.

 

Thanks Vertex. He's never pushed me to do anything sexually before. In fact, we waited a long time to even have sex. What he is worried about is the "self-fulling sabotage prophecy" that you talk of, because I tend to take something and run with it.

[Angel1111]

If I were dating a guy who fantisized about having sex with another man, that would be the end of the line. I'm sorry but you're being way too tolerant about this. It would completely gross me out. I can't believe that anyone would downplay this and say it's harmless. These are the relationships where the man and woman marry and have kids. Then 15 yrs later, you've got to explain to your children why daddy likes men.

 

No thank you.

[pandagirl]

If I were dating a guy who fantisized about having sex with another man, that would be the end of the line. I'm sorry but you're being way too tolerant about this. It would completely gross me out. I can't believe that anyone would downplay this and say it's harmless. These are the relationships where the man and woman marry and have kids. Then 15 yrs later, you've got to explain to your children why daddy likes men.

 

No thank you.

 

I wish people would look past the "gay" issue, because this isn't what my original post was about or my primary concern.

[Angel1111]

Him being gay isn't my concern!

 

It should be.

[Mary3]

I stopped at post # 45

 

My deepest gut instinct tells me your bf DOES want to try the sausage.

 

Fantasy is like Pizza. You think about it. You want it. You go and get it.

 

In all fantasys I have had .. I lived them.

 

I don't believe we stray too far from the closest thing to our real fantasies.

 

I do believe your bf ( while you don't want to confirm the bi~notion ) Is having these thoughts and no hetro male will tell his girl he wants to do a Man.

 

We aren't here to confirm or deny bisexual thoughts.

 

But I supsect your bf is going to eventually find out what its like to stir the chocolate pot...

[Sharla]

Putting the bi-sexual notion aside, you cannot negate the fact that this is already eroding your self-esteem and you are only a few months into this relationship.

 

Combined with the fact that he has already relocated once, just when the two of you started dating...

 

Combined with the fact that he will now be relocating again, right after you learned that his fantasy was not a fantasy, but a reality...

 

He has some good qualities, yes. And it's not to say that he's a "bad" guy.

 

But, how far are YOU willing to compromise yourself for this relationship, which is what you will basically be doing whether you realize it on the surface or not.

[pandagirl]

Putting the bi-sexual notion aside, you cannot negate the fact that this is already eroding your self-esteem and you are only a few months into this relationship.

 

Combined with the fact that he has already relocated once, just when the two of you started dating...

 

Combined with the fact that he will now be relocating again, right after you learned that his fantasy was not a fantasy, but a reality...

 

He has some good qualities, yes. And it's not to say that he's a "bad" guy.

 

But, how far are YOU willing to compromise yourself for this relationship, which is what you will basically be doing whether you realize it on the surface or not.

 

Him moving: I've known he was moving two weeks into the relationship.

 

Fantasy vs Reality: I don't consider the whole fantasy/reality thing a big deal. If I had asked and he had lied about it, then I would have been pissed. But I asked, and he told the truth.

 

Compromise: This is a good question and I'm figuring out my emotions right now. The good far outweigh the bad, and I'm not sure the bad things are "bad" enough for me to seriously consider not giving this a go.

[Mary3]

I wish people would look past the "gay" issue, because this isn't what my original post was about or my primary concern.

 

It may not be the * gay * issue but you posted telling us about the fantasy he has and you want to know if that makes him okay ?

 

Does liking sausage make it wrong ? No , not for him.

 

Do you need to worry about anything ? Maybe STD's if he does it on the down low...

[Sharla]

Him moving: I've known he was moving two weeks into the relationship.

 

Fantasy vs Reality: I don't consider the whole fantasy/reality thing a big deal. If I had asked and he had lied about it, then I would have been pissed. But I asked, and he told the truth.

 

Compromise: This is a good question and I'm figuring out my emotions right now. The good far outweigh the bad, and I'm not sure the bad things are "bad" enough for me to seriously consider not giving this a go.

 

Fair enough.

 

As for compromise, this is what I am talking about:

 

Of course, he stopped talking about it right away, but he told me it was only pretend, but if I was into it, he'd probably do it. I got pretty upset and told him I was. Later he called me to say, "I hope you know you're the only person I want."

 

His comments are very conflicting, as he later told you that he actually did partake in it, numerous times, with past girlfriends. Will you be the exception to the rule? Maybe, maybe not.

 

So, just something to be mindful of.

[tinktronik]

Fair enough.

 

As for compromise, this is what I am talking about:

 

Of course, he stopped talking about it right away, but he told me it was only pretend, but if I was into it, he'd probably do it. I got pretty upset and told him I was. Later he called me to say, "I hope you know you're the only person I want."

 

His comments are very conflicting, as he later told you that he actually did partake in it, numerous times, with past girlfriends. Will you be the exception to the rule? Maybe, maybe not.

 

So, just something to be mindful of.

I agree. Something about the way this has rolled out feels deceitful to me. OP what is your age?

[Mary3]

Also : you say its an LDR. Did you guys meet from talking online ?

 

Assuming you did : How do you know if he's not on Adult Sites and talking to males already ?

 

Having known bi sexual males I can tell you again that I think this is alot more than Candy Store fantasy..

 

If you didn't meet him from online you still don't know if he is visiting male sex sites , web cam sites , ect.

 

If you can handle all this , cool...

[Star Gazer]

Panda, you keep saying that you want to make this work. What work is he putting into the relationship?

 

Repeating my question, because you haven't answered it.

 

In regards to his sexual "fantasy," he said: "This is not a make or break thing. I want to be with YOU and I love you. I just don't want you to take this as another sign as to why things aren't going to work."

 

Another sign? What are the other signs you've pointed out?

 

I wish people would look past the "gay" issue, because this isn't what my original post was about or my primary concern.

 

Huh? Yes it was! Isn't this your original post?:

 

And it bothers me.

 

...

 

I'm pretty open-minded about sex, but this really hurt a nerve with me.... Like it's a red flag or something?

[SadandConfusedWA]

You are trying to sweep this under the carpet. In this case you DO have a reason to worry. I can guarantee you that this will resurface later. He is at the very least bi-sexual and you are refusing to face reality.

 

He probably told you that in previous 3-somes he was never with a man to calm you down. Doesn't mean that it's true.

[aerogurl87]

You are trying to sweep this under the carpet. In this case you DO have a reason to worry. I can guarantee you that this will resurface later. He is at the very least bi-sexual and you are refusing to face reality.

 

He probably told you that in previous 3-somes he was never with a man to calm you down. Doesn't mean that it's true.

 

I second everything said here. How do you know he hasn't slept with another guy already? You freaked out when he told you about the fantasy, so for all you know he said that so you wouldn't freak out anymore. This isn't one of those fantasies you can keep quiet, like guys who fantasize about being with two girls at the same time. Difference being, your a girl, you just can't multiply yourself by two. But if a guy is fantasizing about another guy and he's got a girlfriend, there's really nothing you can do to curve his taste for some sausage, now is there? I'm just looking at this from a logical standpoint and as I said before, I foresee you finding out a some time down the road that your boyfriend is secretly on the down low behind your back.

[pandagirl]

Repeating my question, because you haven't answered it.

 

 

 

Another sign? What are the other signs you've pointed out?

 

 

 

What he's doing for me: he calls me several times a day, he texts me when he wakes up, he always listens to me when I'm upset, he puts in the effort so I know he cares about me. He reiterates constantly that he wants our LDR to work, he knows it will be harder than a normal relationship, but that it's worth the effort for him.

 

The "signs" are things I'm magnifying. I just saw one of my good friend and she told me: "You tend to be really cynical and fatalistic about things in general."

 

I don't know why the whole "homosexual" thing doesn't bother me, but it doesn't. I see that as something he either is or isn't, and I can't do anything about it in the end. He tells me he is probably more adventurous about sex than most people. He's a very honest person, blunt and up front, and if he had bi or had gay tendencies, I know he would tell me.

[aerogurl87]

He's a very honest person, blunt and up front, and if he had bi or had gay tendencies, I know he would tell me.

 

Pandagirl he has told you already. He has fantasies about getting f**ked by another man, I'm not sure how much more clear he could get. I think you're downplaying all of this in your mind because he is a great guy and you don't want this one flaw to mess everything up. Well this one flaw isn't something small like he doesn't know how to do laundry correctly, this is a life altering flaw that could potentially involve your health and make or break your relationship. If your ok with him sleeping with other men, then maybe it's not so bad. But if you have an issue with him sleeping with other men, then yes this is a big issue that you need to face instead of trying to downplay the seriousness of it.

[pandagirl]

Fair enough.

 

As for compromise, this is what I am talking about:

 

Of course, he stopped talking about it right away, but he told me it was only pretend, but if I was into it, he'd probably do it. I got pretty upset and told him I was. Later he called me to say, "I hope you know you're the only person I want."

 

His comments are very conflicting, as he later told you that he actually did partake in it, numerous times, with past girlfriends. Will you be the exception to the rule? Maybe, maybe not.

 

So, just something to be mindful of.

 

I can see how you see it this way. I looked over past IMs and texts about this, and basically what he said was: "It isn't essential to our relationship. Don't worry about it."

 

I agree. Something about the way this has rolled out feels deceitful to me. OP what is your age?

 

31.

 

Also : you say its an LDR. Did you guys meet from talking online ?

 

Assuming you did : How do you know if he's not on Adult Sites and talking to males already ?

 

Having known bi sexual males I can tell you again that I think this is alot more than Candy Store fantasy..

 

If you didn't meet him from online you still don't know if he is visiting male sex sites , web cam sites , ect.

 

If you can handle all this , cool...

 

I met him on OkCupid. As for him being on adult site, I'm just choosing to believe that he is invested in our relationship and not seeking out other sexual partners. Anyone in any relationship could cheat or be deceitful, but I trust that he won't/isn't doing that.

 

If there is one thing about our relationship is we're very honest and blunt with each other. Also, I think you can be a straight male and also want to experiment with other men. I know not all people will agree with me, but I can say that I have in the past been attracted to woman and wouldn't put it past me to never experiment, and that by no means makes me a lesbian.

[pandagirl]

Pandagirl he has told you already. He has fantasies about getting f**ked by another man, I'm not sure how much more clear he could get. I think you're downplaying all of this in your mind because he is a great guy and you don't want this one flaw to mess everything up. Well this one flaw isn't something small like he doesn't know how to do laundry correctly, this is a life altering flaw that could potentially involve your health and make or break your relationship. If your ok with him sleeping with other men, then maybe it's not so bad. But if you have an issue with him sleeping with other men, then yes this is a big issue that you need to face instead of trying to downplay the seriousness of it.

 

I appreciate you concern, and that you're pointing out things I'm not really thinking about.

 

The fantasy, as he tells it me, is about me. He says that he is usually the dominant person in sex and that this turns him on, because it makes him feel sub.

 

I have actually dated a guy before who had been with other men and I didn't have a problem with it. The reason the relationship didn't work out, was not related to sex, but just because he was a jerk!

 

I don't care if he is curious about being with a man. I see it as, if he wants to sleep with someone else, male or female, while in a relationship with me -- then, yes, I am monogamous and that WOULD be a deal breaker, but not because of gender. As he tells me, this isn't something he NEEDS, but I fear that his desire of an alternative sexual lifestyle could be a problem at some point.

[Mary3]

 

 

 

31.

 

 

 

I met him on OkCupid. As for him being on adult site, I'm just choosing to believe that he is invested in our relationship and not seeking out other sexual partners. Anyone in any relationship could cheat or be deceitful, but I trust that he won't/isn't doing that.

 

If there is one thing about our relationship is we're very honest and blunt with each other. Also, I think you can be a straight male and also want to experiment with other men. I know not all people will agree with me, but I can say that I have in the past been attracted to woman and wouldn't put it past me to never experiment, and that by no means makes me a lesbian.

 

You sex life : Is it high and fulfilling ?

 

How soon ( be honest ) in your chats online before you met did he or you talk about sex ?

 

He could be a normal red blooded male with a hot sex drive ( no problem there )

 

He could be just curious about men ...( But you want honest answers so my take is he is MORE than curious )

 

If he chose to be with a man tonight ( with or without your knowledge )- How would you feel about that if he did ?

 

You could be the open minded type who is okay that he wants to explore with a man ....

Since you are aware of his thoughts and fantasies I think you might make it through this. But once he gets a taste of _____ then he is going to want more....

 

Just keep your eyes open.

 

There are bisexual males who have willing wives and unwilling wives ( insert gf here ) and those males who have unwilling ones either cheat or the wife divorces them eventually..

 

Some women would be horrified to know their H/bf is thinking about getting something in the fudge side...

 

But if you are okay with this - then learn more about bisexuality and see if you can share your H/bf with multiple males. ( Who sadly might harbor a disease if they are not being careful and his appetite won't be satisfied with just one male )

[Pink Cupcakes]

Wow, lots of terminology being used here which I think gay people might find offensive. Lots of homophobes on this board!

[Sharla]

I appreciate you concern, and that you're pointing out things I'm not really thinking about.

 

The fantasy, as he tells it me, is about me. He says that he is usually the dominant person in sex and that this turns him on, because it makes him feel sub.

 

I have actually dated a guy before who had been with other men and I didn't have a problem with it. The reason the relationship didn't work out, was not related to sex, but just because he was a jerk!

 

I don't care if he is curious about being with a man. I see it as, if he wants to sleep with someone else, male or female, while in a relationship with me -- then, yes, I am monogamous and that WOULD be a deal breaker, but not because of gender. As he tells me, this isn't something he NEEDS, but I fear that his desire of an alternative sexual lifestyle could be a problem at some point.

 

Panda, how does it make you feel to think that your BF "gets off" thinking about you having sex with another man? That he wouldn't mind watching another man (sorry for the graphic)..put his penis inside of you.

 

That would drive me nuts. Why are you so okay with it, is what I am trying to understand. I know we're different people, but something tells me this does not sit well with you.

[pandagirl]

You sex life : Is it high and fulfilling ?

Yes, it is.

 

How soon ( be honest ) in your chats online before you met did he or you talk about sex ?

I guess our chats before meeting were sexually charged, but we never literally talked about sex.

 

If he chose to be with a man tonight ( with or without your knowledge )- How would you feel about that if he did ?

The gender doesn't matter to me. If he was with a man or woman, it would be cheating and I wouldn't tolerate it.

[pandagirl]

Panda, how does it make you feel to think that your BF "gets off" thinking about you having sex with another man? That he wouldn't mind watching another man (sorry for the graphic)..put his penis inside of you.

 

That would drive me nuts. Why are you so okay with it, is what I am trying to understand. I know we're different people, but something tells me this does not sit well with you.

 

I don't really judge people's sexuality. A lot of people have "weird" fetishes or fantasies when it comes to sex. Who am I to judge what gets people off?

 

My concern is, if my this is a "need" that my boyfriend has, or if it's simply something he "wants." If it's a need, then we are incompatible. But he swears that it isn't something that is essential to him within our relationship.