My boyfriend has a really kinky fantasy...

[tinktronik]

I guess I'm not looking at it this way. We both have careers that are tough to succeed in. I understand career choices. I'm also not going to lose myself in this relationship. If in three months it isn't working out for me, I will have tried my best, and I will walk away.

 

 

 

That's right! And he suggested weekend getaways to the Keys, too.

 

Miami is great. And I must say if he is bi-curious Miami is a place where all your dreams can come true. I miss the humidity.

[Star Gazer]

It's more a wish than a fantasy..

 

Yeah, I agree completely.

 

But putting that aside for a moment...

 

Panda, you keep saying that you want to make this work. What work is he putting into the relationship?

[Knittress]

While I find thinking about any configuration of genders pretty sexy, I'd be a nervous about falling for a bi guy. I've heard that "A bisexual man is just a gay guy that hasn't slowed down yet," and, well... while, I don't want to be judgemental - there's something about this that seems true-ish to me.

[Crazy Magnet]

I came all the way back to say:

 

If you were actually totally ok with this, you wouldn't be thinking hard enough about it to post on this board.

 

He still sounds fishy to me.

[pandagirl]

Well, it makes sense now.

 

This is a fantasy he's actually acted out with previous girlfriends.

[nddb]

Well, it makes sense now.

 

This is a fantasy he's actually acted out with previous girlfriends.

 

whoa, go get STD test asap.

[tinktronik]

Well, it makes sense now.

 

This is a fantasy he's actually acted out with previous girlfriends.

 

Your BF has had homosexual relations and did not tell you about them? I would be livid PG.

[Twenty-ten]

Not necessary to drag in extreme examples to prove a point.

 

Why not? It's fantasy if fantasy is just fantasy then where's the limit? Or better yet who says what the limit is?

That IS the point.

 

 

Obviously, in every discussion, the rule of reasonableness applies.

 

Apparently not here because some say it is just fantasy.

 

[tinktronik]

whoa, go get STD test asap.

 

I second this suggestion unless you were both tested before becoming sexually active together.

[Twenty-ten]

 

He still sounds fishy to me.

 

 

More like "sausagey"

[pandagirl]

Your BF has had homosexual relations and did not tell you about them? I would be livid PG.

 

I'm not actually upset about the homosexual part.

 

I'm upset that this is something I can't give him, that he might want, and if so, this means we're not compatible.

 

I told him that, and he said that he doesn't think he needs that with me. But I tend to believe if this is something that really turns him on and has had it before, he's going to want it again.

[Star Gazer]

I'd be upset about him not being forthcoming about his sexual orientation.

[tinktronik]

I'm not actually upset about the homosexual part.

 

I'm upset that this is something I can't give him, that he might want, and if so, this means we're not compatible.

 

I told him that, and he said that he doesn't think he needs that with me. But I tend to believe if this is something that really turns him on and has had it before, he's going to want it again.

 

I would not be upset about the homosexual part either... IF it was something out in the open from the beginning. However, homosexual sex has risk ratios different than straight sex. By not making you aware of this history he may have put you in danger. I would consider this deeply before you take your next moves.

[nddb]

I'm not actually upset about the homosexual part.

 

I'm upset that this is something I can't give him, that he might want, and if so, this means we're not compatible.

 

I told him that, and he said that he doesn't think he needs that with me. But I tend to believe if this is something that really turns him on and has had it before, he's going to want it again.

 

Just because it's something he wanted in the past doesn't mean he wants it now in RL.

 

I had threesomes before marriage, enjoyed the hell out of it, but zero interest in sharing my wife (with man or woman) afterwards. I even feel that way when we were dating once I felt "she's the one." But we still role-play some threesome scenarios (sometimes on her suggestion, sometimes on my suggestion).

 

But for some reason, I feel apprehensive about this case... something tells me it is fraught with issues.

[pandagirl]

Just because it's something he wanted in the past doesn't mean he wants it now in RL.

 

I had threesomes before marriage, enjoyed the hell out of it, but zero interest in sharing my wife (with man or woman) afterwards. I even feel that way when we were dating once I felt "she's the one." But we still role-play some threesome scenarios (sometimes on her suggestion, sometimes on my suggestion).

 

But for some reason, I feel apprehensive about this case... something tells me it is fraught with issues.

 

Basically he said this is something he's done and liked in the past, and he doesn't know if he wants it with me.

 

And, btw, he said he's never actually "been" with the male in these threesomes. Just watched and participated with his girlfriend.

[Crazy Magnet]

I would like to reiterate my RUN LIKE HELL sentiment.

 

This has "horrible tragic ending" written all over it.

 

If he enjoys that kind of stuff....cool....not being up front..........UNCOOLEST THING EVER.

 

I put $10 you "overlook" this and stay. *sigh*

 

What's really interesting is how many people here kept shouting this is not a fantasy and guess what, it wasn't. lol

[tinktronik]

I would like to reiterate my RUN LIKE HELL sentiment.

 

This has "horrible tragic ending" written all over it.

 

If he enjoys that kind of stuff....cool....not being up front..........UNCOOLEST THING EVER.

 

I put $10 you "overlook" this and stay. *sigh*

 

What's really interesting is how many people here kept shouting this is not a fantasy and guess what, it wasn't. lol

 

Unfortunately, I agree. It seems this was first a secret, then a fantasy, not it's "partial" reality. What to believe?

[pandagirl]

Unfortunately, I agree. It seems this was first a secret, then a fantasy, not it's "partial" reality. What to believe?

 

I don't see this as a secret. I don't think most people divulge their entire sexual history unless asked, and I just happened to ask about this. It would be lying if he didn't tell me the truth.

 

I just talked to him on the phone. When he revealed this to me, I basically said: "Maybe I'm not the right girl for you..." which made him very upset. He explained: "You always jump to the most extreme, negative outcome."

 

He said this because since he left 2.5 weeks ago, I've been picking on all the negative things that could go wrong in our relationship. To me, this is just being realistic, but I guess it was bothering him. I don't think I was being wrong in communicating my feelings, but I will admit that I suffer from depression and a symptom of depression is, well, negative thinking. Once it starts, it doesn't stop. (He knows I suffer from depression, and it quite good and supportive of it.)

 

In regards to his sexual "fantasy," he said: "This is not a make or break thing. I want to be with YOU and I love you. I just don't want you to take this as another sign as to why things aren't going to work."

 

I think the knowledge that a current boyfriend/girlfriend has done sexual things in their past is a hard thing to digest, but at the same time, I realize it's not his responsibility to make me feel one way or another with it. He has given me a lot of reassurance that he doesn't need that with me, so I can either believe him or not. It's up to me now.

[northstar1]

I don't see this as a secret. I don't think most people divulge their entire sexual history unless asked, and I just happened to ask about this. It would be lying if he didn't tell me the truth.

 

I just talked to him on the phone. When he revealed this to me, I basically said: "Maybe I'm not the right girl for you..." which made him very upset. He explained: "You always jump to the most extreme, negative outcome."

 

He said this because since he left 2.5 weeks ago, I've been picking on all the negative things that could go wrong in our relationship. To me, this is just being realistic, but I guess it was bothering him. I don't think I was being wrong in communicating my feelings, but I will admit that I suffer from depression and a symptom of depression is, well, negative thinking. Once it starts, it doesn't stop. (He knows I suffer from depression, and it quite good and supportive of it.)

 

In regards to his sexual "fantasy," he said: "This is not a make or break thing. I want to be with YOU and I love you. I just don't want you to take this as another sign as to why things aren't going to work."

 

I think the knowledge that a current boyfriend/girlfriend has done sexual things in their past is a hard thing to digest, but at the same time, I realize it's not his responsibility to make me feel one way or another with it. He has given me a lot of reassurance that he doesn't need that with me, so I can either believe him or not. It's up to me now.

 

This is a tough one.

I'll tell you that I have had 2 friends who have endulged in 3somes. With one friend, it happened numerous times and all parties seemed happy at first. But then my friend began having solo meetings with the 3rd party and it caused everything to fall apart.

 

It can be a slippery slope

[pandagirl]

This is a tough one.

I'll tell you that I have had 2 friends who have endulged in 3somes. With one friend, it happened numerous times and all parties seemed happy at first. But then my friend began having solo meetings with the 3rd party and it caused everything to fall apart.

 

It can be a slippery slope

 

He didn't ask me to have one. And I don't plan on participating in one.

 

My worry is that he will want this again eventually.

[carhill]

So I'm clear, LDR guy has participated in male-male-female threesomes and was only sexual with the female but has had fantasies about being sexual with a male and would consider it if the opportunity arose?

 

If correct, your perspective is that this is something you cannot 'give him' and would consider it a point of incompatibility. Is that right?

 

Well, OK, if I'm hearing this right, you do have some stuff to think about, bearing in mind how he's treated you so far in your relationship. You've received some good information, offered at perhaps an inopportune moment. Personally, if otherwise satisfied, I wouldn't disconnect yet, but would rather discuss it (and other things) in person at your earliest convenience. What are you doing tomorrow? Fly down to south and have a talk. If this is going to be a deal-breaker, you'll do that in person anyway, so better sooner than later.

 

I still don't have overwhelming negative feelings here, and I'm pretty 'square' about sexual stuff (except for the goats and sheep ), so perhaps the others have better advice. Hope it works out

[pandagirl]

So I'm clear, LDR guy has participated in male-male-female threesomes and was only sexual with the female but has had fantasies about being sexual with a male and would consider it if the opportunity arose?

 

Yes.

 

If correct, your perspective is that this is something you cannot 'give him' and would consider it a point of incompatibility. Is that right?

 

Well, I know plenty of couples where one partner has a sexual fantasy and the other one doesn't want to do it. So, I know it's something that isn't essential to a happy relationship -- there are compromises. However, him disclosing this has made me feel insecure and inadequate, that this COULD be a problem down the line.

 

Well, OK, if I'm hearing this right, you do have some stuff to think about, bearing in mind how he's treated you so far in your relationship. You've received some good information, offered at perhaps an inopportune moment. Personally, if otherwise satisfied, I wouldn't disconnect yet, but would rather discuss it (and other things) in person at your earliest convenience. What are you doing tomorrow? Fly down to south and have a talk. If this is going to be a deal-breaker, you'll do that in person anyway, so better sooner than later.

 

I talked to him on the phone just a bit ago. It made me realize my feelings over this are more a result of my overall insecurity over our recent LDR. I'm afraid for a number of reasons why it isn't going to work out, and I added this one onto the list. Also, he's already told me several time that this is not a deal-breaker for him. (And he's going on vacation with his dad next week, but will be in NY the week after.)

 

I still don't have overwhelming negative feelings here, and I'm pretty 'square' about sexual stuff (except for the goats and sheep ) but perhaps the others have better advice. Hope it works out

 

haha. "Square"!

 

Honestly, though our relationship is new, he has never not been there for me when I needed to talk to him. He always listens, comforts me, tells me the truth, while at the same time reiterating that he wants to be with me and loves me. He's never once showed any doubt about our relationship or me; says he knows LDRs are difficult, but he knows we can make it work if we both want to. He's concerned about my overall well-being and hates that I am worrying so much about everything.

 

As my more sexually free friend told me: "Relax."

Edited February 27, 2010 by pandagirl

[aerogurl87]

Pandagirl, I said maybe he just wanted his prostate stroked from the beginning, but now with the extra info I'm seeing the words "TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET" written all over your boyfriend. I've been to Miami (and loved it!) And all I have to say is, if he moves there then I have a sneaking suspicion your guy is going to act on his fantasy. If the opportunity presents itself you bet he'll take it, he's already basically told you he would.

[Vertex]

I don't sense anything overly negative here. Sometimes these random fantasies are just thoughts we entertain or might like to dabble in on a whim if the opportunity arises. They don't necessarily fall in line with more hardcore priorities or other fundamental components of compatibility otherwise.

 

I wouldn't worry too much about any of it, to be honest. It seems clear that he DOES think of you highly. Don't let a hiccup potentially blow up into a self-fulfilling sabotage prophecy, especially if most of the other facets of the relationship are fairly solid.

 

Just roll with it and move on -- if other red flags appear that are consistent with your initial fears, then I'd take a closer look.

[Barky]

I finally told him it was making me uncomfortable, and that it worried me that this is what he expected from a sex life, and if it was, I was the wrong woman for him.

 

Of course, he stopped talking about it right away,

 

LOL that's the last fantasy he shares with you!