my ex made me feel absolutely HORRIBLE today

[threebyfate]

If you compare these three guys, which one would you say is the most emotionally healthy of the bunch?

 

Btw, post break up, everyone has their own version of the story. Many rewrite history.

[shadowplay]

If you compare these three guys, which one would you say is the most emotionally healthy of the bunch?

 

Btw, post break up, everyone has their own version of the story. Many rewrite history.

 

My boyfriend is by far the healthiest. By far. Ha, thanks for pointing that out. I knew it, but hadn't really consciously thought about it.

[threebyfate]

Visualize this, shadow:

1. In your left hand is your emotionally healthy b/f.
   
2. In your right hand, two emotionally unhealthy exes, who love to rewrite history.
   

Who's opinion weighs more?

[shadowplay]

are you feeling better now? If that guy is a jerk, why would you care what he thinks?

 

Yeah, I am feeling better. Still hurting a bit, but not as raw as I was this afternoon. Getting some perspective in the responses to this thread helped. Talking to my boyfriend about it also helped a great deal.

 

One of the things I really love about him is he's so level-headed. He cuts through other people's BS like nobody's business. What he said about my ex's behavior and personality made perfect sense to me. Also, he reaffirmed how much he loves me and how wonderful he thinks I am. We had a great time together this afternoon shooting video for his documentary.

 

Why do/did I care? There's no good explanation. I guess for the same reason I stuck around so long when I was totally miserable with my ex. But that instinct is starting to dying down in me. Or so I hope.

Edited February 20, 2010 by shadowplay

[shadowplay]

Visualize this, shadow:

1. In your left hand is your emotionally healthy b/f.
   
2. In your right hand, two emotionally unhealthy exes, who love to rewrite history.
   

Who's opinion weighs more?

 

Well, when you put it like that, the answer is obvious. I guess it's really that simple.

[shadowplay]

Oh, a detail I didn't mention in my original post because I was too hung up on what he had said to hurt me.

 

When we met up my ex basically tried to have sex with me. He made a hand gesture that he used when we were together when he wanted sex, and then said something about screwing me in the empty lounge where I was studying. He asked me if I'd like that. This was before he mentioned the other girl.

 

Of course I brushed it off and found it disgusting. But it's bizarre that he would try to do that if he's actually in love with somebody else. They're not in a relationship, but still.

[threebyfate]

Well, when you put it like that, the answer is obvious. I guess it's really that simple.

This is a coping tool that I've been using for awhile now. It doesn't mean it always works but most often it does. For certain, it gets easier and easier, the more I apply it.

 

It boils down to an internal dialogue for me:

1. Do I respect these people's opinions? Nope.
   
2. Do they have my best interests in mind? Nope.
   
3. Okay, time to just let it go and move on.
   

End of internal dialogue loop.

[You'reasian]

shadow, try not to go down that slippery slope, especially with someone who doesn't have your best interests in mind, since he's the only person who can answer this question for you.

 

But one thing that happens with men who are truly commitment phobes, rather than a situational one, is that their infatuation phase spikes incredibly high, then burns out pretty quickly, since they freak themselves out with the discomfort from closeness.

 

Here's a list of traits that can cause commi a guy to pull away:

 

- dating other guys (...more than just friends)

- gets drunk frequently

- fiercly independent

- flakes too often

- chases bad guys

- plays games

 

and yet women assume that the guy is a commitment phobe, even after communicating one or more of the above lol

Edited February 20, 2010 by You'reasian

[threebyfate]

Here's a list of traits that can cause a guy to pull away:

 

- dating other guys (...more than just friends)

- gets drunk frequently

- fiercly independent

- flakes too often

- chases bad guys

- plays games

There are a lot more issues and traits that can cause a guy to pull away. Even silly things like not enjoying the same musical tastes. For that matter, same goes for women.

 

I'm just talking about "real" commitment phobes, rather than the situational ones, where they're getting over trauma, etc. A real commitment phobe will follow my previously described pattern, over and over and over, again. Get too close to a commitment phobe and guaranteed, you're going to get burned. The reason I even mentioned commitment phobia, is that shadow's ex has some traits of such.

[You'reasian]

There are a lot more issues and traits that can cause a guy to pull away. Even silly things like not enjoying the same musical tastes. For that matter, same goes for women.

 

I'm just talking about "real" commitment phobes, rather than the situational ones, where they're getting over trauma, etc. A real commitment phobe will follow my previously described pattern, over and over and over, again. Get too close to a commitment phobe and guaranteed, you're going to get burned. The reason I even mentioned commitment phobia, is that shadow's ex has some traits of such.

 

My list is limited, but I'm referring to guys who want commitment - who don't necessarily want their beloved woman out drunk in someone else's arms, who want their woman to love just them and not hold a grudge against the entire sex because of a few bad experiences, who may show up late a little, but not too often, who might have a hollywood crush - but be grounded enough to not fall for it - who don't belittle men and try to win every argument.

[You'reasian]

Oh, a detail I didn't mention in my original post because I was too hung up on what he had said to hurt me.

 

When we met up my ex basically tried to have sex with me. He made a hand gesture that he used when we were together when he wanted sex, and then said something about screwing me in the empty lounge where I was studying. He asked me if I'd like that. This was before he mentioned the other girl.

 

Of course I brushed it off and found it disgusting. But it's bizarre that he would try to do that if he's actually in love with somebody else. They're not in a relationship, but still.

 

In a lounge? Classy...

[whichwayisup]

Do you guys think an emotionally unavailable guy can be genuinely in love with a woman after meeting her briefly once? I just can't wrap my head around. I keep wondering why he was so cold to me.

Because he is over it and he's your ex.

 

Maybe, yes. Maybe she is the one for him. Be happy for him, wish him well and close the door. Stop all contact and focus on your own new guy in your life. To try to figure out the why's and how's of your ex isn't fair to the new guy in your life. Right? Or maybe this means you're not ready to be involved with anyone right now since you're allowing your ex to make you feel so upset and question everything.

[You'reasian]

Because he is over it and he's your ex.

 

Maybe, yes. Maybe she is the one for him. Be happy for him, wish him well and close the door. Stop all contact and focus on your own new guy in your life. To try to figure out the why's and how's of your ex isn't fair to the new guy in your life. Right? Or maybe this means you're not ready to be involved with anyone right now since you're allowing your ex to make you feel so upset and question everything.

 

Excellent point.

 

If the girl I'm with is emotionally drawn over another man, while I would try to be understanding - it would make me consider if she's really into me or not - I may back off and the next thing you know, she's not sure what's going on - she goes to her friends for advice, rather than communicate with me directly - one of her friends accuses me of being a commitment phobe - then I become guy no.3 or 4, right?

[stillafool]

I don't think he was trying to be mean as much as he let OP know he has moved on. Afterall, she asked him the questions and he answered truthful. He perhaps didn't want to give OP any hopes and that is why he was so frank with his answers. It is possible for an unavailable person to fall in love. It happens all the time. Normally they fall for another independent type who provides more "mystery". It doesn't mean they will stay together.

 

I think OP should spend more time trying to cultivate her relationship with the new boyfriend and forget about the ex. If you are still in love with your ex bf you should break up with the guy you are seeing now until you are over your ex. It isn't fair to date one person when you clearly are still in love with another.

[stillafool]

Oh, a detail I didn't mention in my original post because I was too hung up on what he had said to hurt me.

 

When we met up my ex basically tried to have sex with me. He made a hand gesture that he used when we were together when he wanted sex, and then said something about screwing me in the empty lounge where I was studying. He asked me if I'd like that. This was before he mentioned the other girl.

 

Of course I brushed it off and found it disgusting. But it's bizarre that he would try to do that if he's actually in love with somebody else. They're not in a relationship, but still.

 

 

I think that was crude and disrespectful of him. What does he think you are a "booty call"? I hope you put him in his place. You deserve better and more respect from him.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Ugh, shadow I can't believe he tried to have sex with you

 

It is obvious that he was lashing out and wanting to hurt you for rejecting him and having a new bf.

 

Also, people do tend to re-write history after the relationship is over. I am really close to my brother and he had four long term relationships. I know him well and I know that he was truly in love with each of the girls. Yet, after every break-up he would tell me that "in retrospect he wasn't really in love". So yeah, that's pretty common.

[Kamille]

This reminds me of the time my ex took the first chance he could to tell me that he was "madly" in love with someone else.

 

Your ex could use some lessons of subtlety from mine. Like, really, your ex quite obviously meant to hurt you. It's so obvious, it's nauseating.

 

 

 

 

 

When we met up my ex basically tried to have sex with me. He made a hand gesture that he used when we were together when he wanted sex, and then said something about screwing me in the empty lounge where I was studying. He asked me if I'd like that. This was before he mentioned the other girl.

 

 

The last time I saw my ex he also tried to have sex with me - and also was rejected. Think that might explain why yours and mine felt so compelled to tell us that they had found perfect love ? (Mine in less than three months, yours in less than a day?)

 

I very much doubt your ex meant anything he said. He was trying to hurt you because you rejected him.

 

 

I'm glad you're gaining perspective on this and that your bf is helping you through this.

[shadowplay]

So I’m feeling a lot better, because I had a phone conversation with my ex last night that gave me a feeling of closure. It also convinced me that he’s just crazy. I know some of you will think it was a mistake for me to call him, but I’m really glad I did because I feel so much better now.

 

He told me that he was withdrawing from school for the semester (even though he’s already paid tuition for classes). He has enough credits to graduate, though. I asked him why and he said because the country is about to collapse and he’s running away to Argentina. He started going on this rant about how the country is about to falling apart and how it’s going to be like the Weimar Republic.

 

I started cracking up a bit and he cried in a really serious tone, “It’s not a joke!” I think he might be manic. Bipolar runs in his family and he’s had the rare manic episode. In high school he went through a brief period where he thought he could control the weather. That would also fit with him telling this girl that he’s in love with her after one meeting.

 

After I hung up I just burst out laughing. For the first time, it was suddenly really obvious to me that it’s really him, not me. I was also relieved to hear he might be moving. He’s in one of my classes and it sucks having to see him every week. I finally feel like I’ll be OK if I never hear from or see him again. At least not for a long, long time, but hopefully never.

[torranceshipman]

Control the weather? Run off to Argentina? Weimar Republic? And he tries to screw his ex in the same breath as claiming he is in love with some girl off the net the day he meets her? LOL. Shadowplay, the best revenge is success and right here you've got your revenge (even if you didn't want it!). You are doing well in school and you have a wonderful boyfriend who thinks you are the best that it gets and he....is a fruitloop with no social skills - can you spell 'loser'? Lol!

 

I think you made the right choice calling him. Now leave it at that. He is poisonous - a real waste of space and yes, he might well be bipolar - sounds like he definitly could be. Just delete him from your life now and NEVER allow yourself to get caught up in someone that revolting again.

[threebyfate]

Glad to hear that you've gotten some closure from the tinfoil hat man. Always good to know when someone is free-floating again, in the stratosphere.

 

And he has an issue with your body dysmorph, when he can control the weather? Ummm....just....ummm...

[shadowplay]

Bad news. He's deciding to stay and he'll be in the small class I have with him every week. Worse he sent me this email that made me feel absolutely ****ty.

 

Here's an excerpt:

 

I wouldn't say that I'm never willing to speak to you, I just need time to readjust to finding someone else. I do think that we were incompatible and that I had tried to wiggle out of the relationship many times before cheating on you.

 

Thank you for the many things you did to help me overcome my parents problems. I do sincerely feel that I have risen above most of them. I really hope that you get hypnotized to get over your low self esteem and body dysmorphia. I was hypnotized and I think it did remove some of the mental blocks I had to my success.

 

I also think that no relationship can be sustainable when one person is very dependent on the other, so if you have another relationship, I suggest you cultivate the ability to be resourceful and problem solving.

--------------------

 

First off the thing he said that basically justified why he cheated on me. Also pointing out all my problems and suggesting that he had gotten over his, without acknowledging how he treated me throughout our relationship.

 

Finally, the thing about "finding someone else." I keep thinking how he'll probably treat her absolutely golden, which would make me feel like crap since of the way he treated me, as if it was all my problem.

[threebyfate]

I wouldn't say that I'm never willing to speak to you, I just need time to readjust to finding someone else.

Odd wording for a man who's purportedly in love, no?

[Star Gazer]

I think he did acknowledge treating you like crap, he just didn't outright say it. It sounds like he had been treating you like crap in an effort to leave the relationship - to use his words, "wiggle out," but was unsuccessful.

[Kamille]

You've done great strides since posting this thread in realizing that this man is part of your past and that you are in a better place now, mentally. It sounds from what I,ve caught here that you are in a healthier relationship where you get enough support so that you're not compelled to seek reassurance all the time. In other words, you're in a relationship that offers you the support you need so that you can be resourceful.

 

As to your ex's relationships now... Really, the bottom line is this: so what if he treats another woman better then he treated you? Your situation is entirely different now so you should know, without needing some kind of confirmation from him, that the problem wasn't all you. It wasn't. It was the two of you.

 

You have nothing to prove to your ex. Nothing at all. And the longer you keep allowing yourself to care about what he does and says and thinks about you, the longer you remain under his power.

 

I think the day has come for you to put this relationship behind you entirely.

[Awesome Username]

This guy is manipulative, insecure, controlling, resentful and immature. I could not possibly imagine this guy as someone who would wear the pants in the relationship. Good riddance - you're way healthier without this him.