Lying & porn

[Jersey Shortie]

Which men define masculinity through porn?

 

Any man that says anything along the lines of “I’m/he’s a guy, of course he looks at porn”. That is defining masculinity by porn use.

 

 

You pour out your compassion in love for men as stated in your last paragraph, then state that the reaction from that is some selfish, disrespect by them choosing to watch porn. And you always sideskirt the argument that women watch porn too, in some cases as much as men - which there's nothing wrong (unless you completely object to porn consumption as a whole).

 

 

I do. I never said porn was okay for women and not for men. However, I do not think women spend the same amount of time and energy on it as men do. And I do not think women look at it for the variety in partners that men seem to say they look at it for. I think women view porn differently. I however do not think that means they have any more right to view it. Lets be honest. Porn caters more to male fantasy and turn ons. And yes, porn is is completely selfish and yes, often disrespectful.

 

 

 

OP, if he is lying about this, he can easily lie about other things to suit his needs when he wants. Please don't expect the lying to stop at just the porn.

[You'reasian]

Any man that says anything along the lines of “I’m/he’s a guy, of course he looks at porn”. That is defining masculinity by porn use. .

 

You're making a connection that isn't there. Its just guys explaining what they do, JS - it doesn't say that they are defining masculinity by porn.

 

 

 

 

I do. I never said porn was okay for women and not for men. However, I do not think women spend the same amount of time and energy on it as men do. And I do not think women look at it for the variety in partners that men seem to say they look at it for. I think women view porn differently. I however do not think that means they have any more right to view it. Lets be honest. Porn caters more to male fantasy and turn ons. And yes, porn is is completely selfish and yes, often disrespectful.

 

OP, if he is lying about this, he can easily lie about other things to suit his needs when he wants. Please don't expect the lying to stop at just the porn.

 

JS, the women I've known who look at porn look at it for the same reasons all us guys do: to fantasize and get their rocks off.

 

I can see where you are coming from about porn being selfish - hell, masterbation is selfish, isn't it?

 

The truth is there are guys who would reduce or even obstain from porn for their girlfriends. Granted, it helps if they have a healthy sex life with their girlfriend. If you want your guy to not look at porn, you should expect to not play with toys...that would be equitable and ideally bring the relationship back to the two of you.

[kiss_andmakeup]

JS' date=' the women I've known who look at porn look at it for the same reasons all us guys do: to fantasize and get their rocks off.[/quote']

 

Yep. This is definitely true, at least with me. She said men like the "variety" they can view well so do women! In real life I am only attracted to a specific type of guy, but in porn I get to watch white guys, black guys, short guys, tall guys, etc etc...does that mean I want to go out and leave my boyfriend afterwards to be with two black guys with 11-inch penises? HELL NO! I get off and that's the end of it, just like with guys.

[Jersey Shortie]

You're making a connection that isn't there. Its just guys explaining what they do, JS - it doesn't say that they are defining masculinity by porn.

 

I disagree that I am. When men say things like "I'm a man/guy, of course I look at porn", he is defining is mascunility by his porn use. And too many men do that today.

 

 

 

I can see where you are coming from about porn being selfish - hell, masterbation is selfish, isn't it?

 

Porn is selfish in ways that masturbation isn't. I think porn creates unhealthy expectations and attitudes towards women that I do think, over time, become slowly more acceptable. We see that everyday how much more acceptable certain taboos are that weren't. And I only see that increasing. And as a woman, it's kind of frightening. *shurg*. I don't really expect men to care anymore. But it hurts nonetheless.

 

The truth is there are guys who would reduce or even obstain from porn for their girlfriends.

 

It wouldn't be a repeat topic and thread on not just this board, but many, if most men obstained or controlled their porn use.

 

Granted, it helps if they have a healthy sex life with their girlfriend. If you want your guy to not look at porn, you should expect to not play with toys...that would be equitable and ideally bring the relationship back to the two of you.

 

LOL, I don't play with toys.

 

And I do not think that women view porn in the same manner that men view it. I do not think women relate to porn in the same manner do. And I think porn will always remain a majority rule in catering to men and making women the object/toy in the movie. Men are not put in the submissive position as much as women clearly are. So yeah, it's great for a guy sitting there with your real gf/wife and watching all the hot crazy porn of all the hot crazy girls you wish you could bang and then taking it out on yuor gf/wife who is loving enough to be by your side.

[Barky]

I might not be enough for him sexually.

 

He's a man. No one woman is "enough for him sexually."

 

It hurts thinking that if he lied over something so stupid, then what else could be possibly have lied, or be lying about in our relationship?

 

Don't ask questions the answers to which you would rather not hear.

 

FYI We've been together for a year and a half, and he's always the one trying to be open about communication, yet I find porn on his computer when I'm trying to download something.

 

You were snooping weren't you? Never mind, it was his fault you found it. Men, remember: if you're going to lie to a woman at least have enough respect for her to never let her find out. It's not the lies that hurt women, it's the finding out.

[counterman]

He lied to avoid any conflict and to not feel upset or guilty afterwards.

[Els]

All guys look at porn. Some of us look at it alot less when we have girlfriends. Think of porn as a sex toy. Something that isn't necessary but people use more frequently when they are single. No bigee.

 

Problem is he lied; she's fine with the porn itself.

[Barky]

Women take note: men will lie like dogs to avoid endless nagging and silly drama over inconsequential things. We don't consider it to be wrong and never will.

Edited February 2, 2010 by Barky

[Els]

She said she's fine with the porn. I'm not sure how that translates to endless nagging and silly drama.

[counterman]

I remember at school, when I was younger, someone asked the senior mentors that were in charge of us "is it okay to watch porn?". They both (one guy and one girl) said that the guys in there grade that watched porn were not respected. Some guys do watch it but will never admit to it. There were some of my friends who openly admitted to girls that they watch it and it was a bit embarrassing.

 

Even if the OP is okay with it, her boyfriend might still be uncomfortable with her knowing.

[Left in a Lurch]

I wasn't in his search history. I was downloading an assignment and in the downloads was a link to a video, thinking it was one of his stupid videos that he would make me watch later (something off of college humor, or similar). And viola! A porn clip.

 

Sorry, I don't buy this for one second. You see a random download link on someome's computer and just download it? You knew what you thought it was and I really doubt you thought it was anything but porn and you snooped and took the steps to download it. No voila!, it didn't magically appearand fall in your lap.

 

I really get the feeling you know you violated his trust but don't want to take responsibility for you being dishonest. I would never go to a persons computer and see a link to a download and click it thinking "hay, this should be something funny they would show me later."

[Left in a Lurch]

In fact I disagree ... men who DO NOT watch porn ... are the onces having sexual variety & options with REAL WOMEN. Not only sexual variaty though ..., when you have sex with only one girl, sometimes the sex is much better than having muptiple sexual contacts with different people/partners. Why? Because, you create an emotion associated with sex that is STRONGER each time you perform it with the same person. At the beginning, the man and the woman do not know each other very well .. and both are very self-conscious of themselves. So the pleasure of sex is stronger when the both are comfortable with themselves & can trust each other ... trying different variaties of things.

 

So what is porn doing to men?

 

Porn is a form of social conditioning ... not educational in most cases. It is a BUSINESS. And that means the sexual interactions there are REAL, but set up in the way sending the wrong message from a pure scenario. The porn is just not the real thing .. it is something designed to satisfy people's instant desires, rather than some long-term fulfilment type of desire. People who watch porn all the time are trapped with their sexual needs. Not knowing how to express them fully in the REAL world.

 

If a man watches porn, it doesn't make him a GREAT lover. It makes him a worse lover, because he was looking for a quick fix thing in the first place, turning on the sex channel.

 

Have you ever met a man? Getting sex usually makes us want it more, it doesn't satisfy our quota or fill. I hate to tell you, but your first statement is absolutely wrong. I am guessing you're a woman.

 

Men masturbate and watch porn all the time. That's all there is to it. Getting regular sex does not change that, it may lessen the free time to do so when your SO is around, but believe me guys watch porn no matter how much they are getting.

[Left in a Lurch]

She said she's fine with the porn. I'm not sure how that translates to endless nagging and silly drama.

 

Saying and doing are 2 different things. She said she's fine with it but then in the next sentence questioned if it mean she wasn't enough for him.

 

Who would ever want to trigger THAT "talk"?

 

Guys pick up on women's hot button issues, and when a woman says she is fine with something, it does not always mean she is fine with it.

[Itzo]

Have you ever met a man? Getting sex usually makes us want it more, it doesn't satisfy our quota or fill. I hate to tell you, but your first statement is absolutely wrong. I am guessing you're a woman.

 

Men masturbate and watch porn all the time. That's all there is to it. Getting regular sex does not change that, it may lessen the free time to do so when your SO is around, but believe me guys watch porn no matter how much they are getting.

 

Yes, I am a man ...

I did watch lot of porn before ... now it is much lesser (it was very hard transition), because of getting sex more frequently than before.

I do not even watch TV in general anymore.

[Malenfant]

Thanks for the understanding, yeah the lying is the only problem I have. Not the porn. We could go on and on and talk about it. I agree and disagree with somethings that have been said. I never stated that I didn't want him watching porn.

 

Anyway, let me restate myself. I know that guys watch porn. Nothing new there. My ex watched porn, it was never a problem with our relationship. However lying IS an issue.

 

oh well PDBM, it seems all you have to do is mention porn and the thread goes off on a tangent. Most people seem more eager to discuss your attitude to porn rather than the lying.

maybe lying isnt a juicy enough subject for them.

 

I hope this doesnt put you off posting again

[Els]

Saying and doing are 2 different things. She said she's fine with it but then in the next sentence questioned if it mean she wasn't enough for him.

 

Who would ever want to trigger THAT "talk"?

 

Guys pick up on women's hot button issues, and when a woman says she is fine with something, it does not always mean she is fine with it.

 

Oh, geez. So if a guy says he's okay with a woman having...mmm, lesbian sex with a girl, perhaps.. but 'shows in little ways that he isn't too happy with it', it gives her the right to do it and then lie to him about it?

 

Mmkay, whatever.

[Jersey Shortie]

Don't be silly Elswyth, when it comes to porn, all that matters is men want it. Period. Now, I know a few will roll their eyes at the comment but lets look at this logically. What is the overall theme in many of these threads?

 

Girl comes here hurt over porn use or a mixture of porn use and how her partner deals with it personally and within the relationship. Many men chime in defending said partner and his masculinity by justifying the use of porn by "all men do it" or "i'm/he's a man of course he looks at porn".

 

Most don't try to understand, ask questions or put themselves in the position of the woman struggling with the isssue. It's an automatic point for porn because the women that come here with questions get told one thing only. He wants porn. Period. It does not matter what you are as a woman, what you do or what you think or what a woman's natural reactions are to porn. They are all silly and secondary and worth compromising the health of the relationship for what really matters here. the porn. When something truly isn't important, it's not an epic century fight. Porn is important. And since many men choose to fight for it instead of standing by the side of their female partner, it's more important to them then their real life partnerhsips.

 

Now we all say porn isn't a big deal as long as a man doesn't pick it over his real life. However, time and time again, everytime a man defends porn or the lying about porn use to appease a partner, no matter the justification, they are infact doing just that. Picking the porn over the real woman. It's just that logical. It's so simply logical that I think more men see it and don't admit it then don't.

 

You don't see these men being strong figures and standing up for honorable things and what it really means to be a man that a woman can have sincere trusth and faith in. Such as telling the truth even when it's difficult, or actually using self control if their partner is working hard to meet his needs most of the time. That would mean actually having to work at a relationship and think about another's needs in the relationships over your own. Most men do not do this. That's not something most men want to do. They rather defend their right to sit infront computers and define masculinity by their porn use instead of defing masculinity by the things women really need and men really need. When a man lies about his porn use to his partner its about continuing a behavior that best benefits him, getting everything he wants while denying to her, her own needs. By presenting a false reality and tricking their female partner into thinking she is living a life that she really isn't when she has her back turned.

 

 

You were snooping weren't you? Never mind, it was his fault you found it. Men, remember: if you're going to lie to a woman at least have enough respect for her to never let her find out. It's not the lies that hurt women, it's the finding out.

 

That's not respect. That's self gratfication. Short term, no it's not the lies that hurt a woman. However, lies have a funny way at softly eroding at a relationship and the trust that is suppose to be there. relationships aren't about making everything look good from the outside. They are about dealing with things that aren't always easy and working with your partner to a better purpose and hopefully better returns.

[Shygirl15]

Ok,

So I've posted previously about my relationship. (thread 1, thread 2) I need some advice on what to do over lying in our relationship.

 

To get to the bottom line---I wouldn't care if he watched porn (nothing too crazy), but he constantly told me (lied) to me that he didn't which made me feel horrible when I found out.

I really don't understand what the big deal is. Why don't you just take his porn-watching positively and use the porn he's watching to better understand his sexual needs?

[sugar_and_spice]

I really don't understand what the big deal is. Why don't you just take his porn-watching positively and use the porn he's watching to better understand his sexual needs?

 

clearly everything should be about the man's needs.

[Shygirl15]

clearly everything should be about the man's needs.

Excuse me but have you been in a relationship before? Well, us who have know that understanding each other's needs sexually is a very important step in building a faithful relationship. Unless you have no experience with relationships -or at least healthy ones- I don't understand why this surprise you.

[sugar_and_spice]

Don't be silly Elswyth, when it comes to porn, all that matters is men want it. Period. Now, I know a few will roll their eyes at the comment but lets look at this logically. What is the overall theme in many of these threads?

 

Girl comes here hurt over porn use or a mixture of porn use and how her partner deals with it personally and within the relationship. Many men chime in defending said partner and his masculinity by justifying the use of porn by "all men do it" or "i'm/he's a man of course he looks at porn".

 

Most don't try to understand, ask questions or put themselves in the position of the woman struggling with the isssue. It's an automatic point for porn because the women that come here with questions get told one thing only. He wants porn. Period. It does not matter what you are as a woman, what you do or what you think or what a woman's natural reactions are to porn. They are all silly and secondary and worth compromising the health of the relationship for what really matters here. the porn. When something truly isn't important, it's not an epic century fight. Porn is important. And since many men choose to fight for it instead of standing by the side of their female partner, it's more important to them then their real life partnerhsips.

 

Now we all say porn isn't a big deal as long as a man doesn't pick it over his real life. However, time and time again, everytime a man defends porn or the lying about porn use to appease a partner, no matter the justification, they are infact doing just that. Picking the porn over the real woman. It's just that logical. It's so simply logical that I think more men see it and don't admit it then don't.

 

You don't see these men being strong figures and standing up for honorable things and what it really means to be a man that a woman can have sincere trusth and faith in. Such as telling the truth even when it's difficult, or actually using self control if their partner is working hard to meet his needs most of the time. That would mean actually having to work at a relationship and think about another's needs in the relationships over your own. Most men do not do this. That's not something most men want to do. They rather defend their right to sit infront computers and define masculinity by their porn use instead of defing masculinity by the things women really need and men really need. When a man lies about his porn use to his partner its about continuing a behavior that best benefits him, getting everything he wants while denying to her, her own needs. By presenting a false reality and tricking their female partner into thinking she is living a life that she really isn't when she has her back turned.

 

 

 

 

That's not respect. That's self gratfication. Short term, no it's not the lies that hurt a woman. However, lies have a funny way at softly eroding at a relationship and the trust that is suppose to be there. relationships aren't about making everything look good from the outside. They are about dealing with things that aren't always easy and working with your partner to a better purpose and hopefully better returns.

 

i agree with this.

[homersheineken]

She said she's fine with the porn. I'm not sure how that translates to endless nagging and silly drama.

 

Yeah, I don't buy that. If she's fine with it, why even ask him about it? Or why not ask, "Is there something we can do to make our sex better?"

 

Saying, "Do you watch porn?" is tinged with accusation and of course the guy is going to avoid that conflict. Look at what's already happened in this thread...

[Barky]

Most don't try to understand, ask questions or put themselves in the position of the woman struggling with the isssue.

 

Hey, there are certain things men are going to do, and if women don't like them, then tough s***. Women can't always get what they want, just because they want it.

 

The dude here has basically said, "I'm watching porn. If you don't like, GTFO." Just like in another thread the guy basically said, "I'm going with my buddies to a strip club for a guy's bachelor party. If you don't like it, GTFO."

 

Just because it "hurts" you ladies doesn't mean that the man is going to stop it. If he does, that's called being "p*ssywhipped" and no man likes to feel like that.

 

So pick your battles. 90% of dudes are going to watch porn, because deep down men like a variety of beautiful women. That's evolution. If you're lucky, a man will share those desires with you. If not, he'll keep them to himself. Either way, you can't control it.

 

Deal with it.

[You'reasian]

I disagree that I am. When men say things like "I'm a man/guy, of course I look at porn", he is defining is mascunility by his porn use. And too many men do that today..

 

No he isn't. You're looking at one phrase and equating it to the man in his entireity. A man or a woman is a summation of interactions and beliefs.

 

Porn is selfish in ways that masturbation isn't. I think porn creates unhealthy expectations and attitudes towards women that I do think, over time, become slowly more acceptable. We see that everyday how much more acceptable certain taboos are that weren't. And I only see that increasing. And as a woman, it's kind of frightening. *shurg*. I don't really expect men to care anymore. But it hurts nonetheless. ..

 

I'm sorry you feel that way, JS. What kind of men do you go after?

 

And I do not think that women view porn in the same manner that men view it. I do not think women relate to porn in the same manner do. And I think porn will always remain a majority rule in catering to men and making women the object/toy in the movie. Men are not put in the submissive position as much as women clearly are. So yeah, it's great for a guy sitting there with your real gf/wife and watching all the hot crazy porn of all the hot crazy girls you wish you could bang and then taking it out on your gf/wife who is loving enough to be by your side.

 

Read some of the female poster's responses to porn. Women do view porn in the same manner as men do.

 

And I notice how you referred to porn as "hot crazy porn"...

 

Sex with a girlfriend is not about watching porn. 99% of the time its about being together, being intimate, exploring one another, pleasing each other and loving each other - so you're projection is skewed yet again.

[hopeless4u]

Ok,

So I've posted previously about my relationship. (thread 1, thread 2) I need some advice on what to do over lying in our relationship.

 

To get to the bottom line---I wouldn't care if he watched porn (nothing too crazy), but he constantly told me (lied) to me that he didn't which made me feel horrible when I found out.

 

Why didn't he just tell me in the first place? It makes me not only feel like our communication is problematic, but that I might not be enough for him sexually. It hurts thinking that if he lied over something so stupid, then what else could be possibly have lied, or be lying about in our relationship?

 

FYI We've been together for a year and a half, and he's always the one trying to be open about communication, yet I find porn on his computer when I'm trying to download something.

 

 

I've seen so many posts from women about porn and I don't mean this in any way bad to you but....

 

I don't get the big issue, porn is normal for men and quite a few women.

 

If a man wants to watch porn by himself then thats him being lazy and just wanting to get off without the conversation.

If a man is comfortable with the woman he is with then they will watch porn together and get off.

If a woman wants to watch porn by herself then thats her being lazy just wanting to get off without conversation.

 

What is the big deal??