Dealing with my emotions

[pleasedontbreakme]

How can I deal with my emotions that are triggered with jealousy?

 

My boyfriend and I are in a serious relationship, and I want to overcome my jealousy, as it has started to affect my emotions to a level that truly bothers me. It's not so much that I have become an obsessive girlfriend that I check his messages all the time, ask who he's with etc. But it's to the point where I find myself getting upset and crying, with or without him when I feel all of the negative emotions now and from the past together.

 

Now this is not to say that he hasn't been jealous on his own. We have both set our boundaries of comfort when it comes to each of us being with members of the opposite sex. Previously I was hurt from him being with his bestfriend who was female, granted she was his friend before me etc. I tried to keep these feelings inside and eventually did try to work things out with him, and he did his best to try to resolve the issue.

 

Many things bothered me and I have a habit in general of letting my emotions build up, a bad habit that I've had since I was young. For example, before our discussion and he solved the bestfriend issue, he went to a party at a club with his (female) bestfriend and another female friend. Granted I am fine with the other female friend, with his bestfriend I am not. It wasn't just a regular party however, it was a foam bubble party, that he went to with two women with the intention of getting 'wet'. He (somehow) didn't realize that this bothered me, and even his father asked "Does your girlfriend know about this? Is she ok with it?"

 

Now fast forward many months; I'm stressed out with school and I explode emotionally and can't handle new issues that have arisen with college and the like. Him drinking with friends and yet there are other females there. How do I know what he's doing when he's drunk? He doesn't even remember drunken phone calls? I trust him but other women?

 

My boyfriend and I have an open line of communication, and we've had discussions, but I feel that my jealousy goes deeper. I know that it's also my own insecurity, and possibly even trust. I'm seeking a better way to handle this, I can't seem to lift the weight of previous jealousy. No matter how much I trust him and know he hasn't cheated on me and wants to be with me. I don't know why it's so difficult to let go. Part of me feels that it makes my relationship unhealthy and makes me question if this is really the right relationship for me?

Edited November 8, 2009 by pleasedontbreakme

[imagine]

Girls and boys -never trust your partner completely. Do not expose them to temptation. They will blame you when they fall.

 

Think about it and establish boundaries. Talk to someone wise what these boundaries are. You can check out Marriage Builders articles and come tell us what you have learned.

[Miad's Princess]

OP When he goes to these parties regular or foam does he invite you?

Do you ever ask to tag along?

Does he involve you with his female friends?

 

Their is a difference between rational jealously and irrational jealousy, I am not sure yet which category you fall into.

[pleasedontbreakme]

Girls and boys -never trust your partner completely. Do not expose them to temptation. They will blame you when they fall.

 

Think about it and establish boundaries. Talk to someone wise what these boundaries are. You can check out Marriage Builders articles and come tell us what you have learned.

We have established boundaries, I think I mentioned that in my post, thanks though.

 

OP When he goes to these parties regular or foam does he invite you?

Do you ever ask to tag along?

Does he involve you with his female friends?

 

Their is a difference between rational jealously and irrational jealousy, I am not sure yet which category you fall into.

Usually he does invite me along for parties, back when we were home and I was in high school, I wasn't able to attend them and he would still go. Now that we are in college most of the time I'd like to go but I can't always, or don't always want to. The partying isn't as much of an issue anymore...now that we've sort of discussed boundaries and such.

 

We were having problems previously like I said about him drinking with friends and I knew that there were females there.

 

As for female friends, it's sort of iffy, I would like to say that he does but I'm not entirely sure. I think he sort of did when we were back home, now I don't know...

 

Now even recently, he just made new female friends at a retreat that he went to, I'm trying not to let it bother me because I have male friends, but I just feel the uneasiness building up, and sooner or late I might just explode. I don't know how to cope with my jealousy.

 

He said he was uncomfortable with me spending time in a group with my guy friends because one of them likes me. (Similar to how I felt when he was with his best female friend even in a group) So I can't do that past a certain time...now he goes along and make two new female friends...that he just spent time with in a group setting late at night. Tell me is this fair? Or am I just being paranoid?

[Javelin]

Ahh, another person from Bean-Town! Sweet!

 

Anyway, onto the issue...

 

Seriously, you would have to be pretty nieve to believe that people don't think about someone else before they decide to do something. Their choices are based upon themselves and not someone else and this shows with your boyfriend. He simply does not care completely about your stance or input on certain situations. The bubble bath party is prime example and I'm sure if you were in a bikini in a tub with that guy-friend that likes you, he would have a problem.

 

Your jealousy stems from his actions and I think he's doing it conscienously to get a reaction out of you. It's unfortunate, but some people are that f-in twisted.

[freddy77]

Sorry to hear about your dilemma... The game of love is a strange one. I too have been there before so i understand your feelings...

sometimes It's better to cut loose and save your self the heartache. I know that's easier said than done but time is a great healer and the hard option does become easier with time. I hope it all works out for you...

[pleasedontbreakme]

Ahh, another person from Bean-Town! Sweet!

 

Anyway, onto the issue...

 

Seriously, you would have to be pretty nieve to believe that people don't think about someone else before they decide to do something. Their choices are based upon themselves and not someone else and this shows with your boyfriend. He simply does not care completely about your stance or input on certain situations. The bubble bath party is prime example and I'm sure if you were in a bikini in a tub with that guy-friend that likes you, he would have a problem.

 

Your jealousy stems from his actions and I think he's doing it conscienously to get a reaction out of you. It's unfortunate, but some people are that f-in twisted.

 

Thanks so much for your input. I know it's been a while since I replied to this thread, but I figured I'd give it another shot. I've tried bringing up discussions to talk about this constant problem in our relationship, however it always seems to fail and most of the time we end up in a huge argument, and I simply end up mad and upset.

 

Our relationship has been slowly tumbling downhill, he doesn't text me or have phone conversations like we used to. We used to simply send morning greeting text messages. It's dwindled down to me just writing 'hi' and not getting a response until 4-6hrs later. He has an iPhone so it's not like he's a technophobe. I know he usually text messages everyone immediately, but I wonder if he does it on purpose to me and then comes up with excuses later.

 

I may have jealousy issues but I'm not the type who texts him every 5 mins asking what he's doing and with who. I've told him I'm not asking for a lot, a good night phone call. I've told him I'm not asking for being all lovey dovey' and arguing about who loves who more.

 

He says I don't laugh at his jokes or find him funny anymore, maybe he's right---because we don't talk anymore, and when he does say something I'm already upset about our lack of communication etc.

 

I'm reaching my breaking point of our relationship and it's not that I don't love him, I just don't want to hold onto a relationship that I feel is starting to be one-sided. I guess I'm past the point of jealousy...