His Female Bestfriend, a thorn in my side

[pleasedontbreakme]

Currently me and my boyfriend have a great relationship, we have good communication, we're serious, and simply happy. I'm hoping that down the line if we continue the way we're going, though we're young, we may take the next few steps. But that's way ahead of myself. Anyway...

 

I've been trying to get over this jealousy I have for my boyfriend's bestfriend who happens to be female. I've discussed this with him and he's made it clear that he has no romantic intentions for her. Though he did tell me that there is a strong likeliness that she has some for him, and has expressed them [to him]. She has not made any outward problems with our relationship, or told him to break up with me etc. But I know what those situations can turn into over time.

 

I knew her first before I knew him, and our casual friendship was fine. Everything was normal, but once I started dating him, things began to shift. Not only did that happen, but once I began to work in the same place, where she was 'put in charge of me' so to speak (basically my boss), she pretty much began to treat me like crap. Whether it's her personality, or her attitude towards me because of my relationship, I don't know.

 

She had a boyfriend at the time (not my boyfriend, her bestfriend), but her relationship was rocky, and they ended up breaking up. Also, my boyfriend is a few years older than me (they're around the same age), and that is also why she might talk down on me. Now I understand, that you have senority and are my boss, which gives you total right to give me orders etc. But in no way does that let you demean me. She basically made me so uncomfortable that I wanted to quit my job (it's was a part-time, since I'm still a student), and eventually I sort of did. My boyfriend mentioned it might also be because of her religion, that she treats me this way (me and my boyfriend are the same religion, so I rule that out), she has no right to simply act the way she does around me.

 

The funny part is, it's indirect ways, but it's enough to make a person know they're unwelcome. I haven't done anything I can think of to upset her, I listened to her when she had relationship problems. I avoided talking about me and my boyfriend, lest she feel uncomfortable because she's his bestfriend. And continued the friendship as usual, but things on her end changed. I'm assuming it was jealousy as well, maybe she could/can sense how he is about me.

 

I've tried telling myself over and over again to get over her, and how she bothers me, but I just can't shake it. I've thought about it, and as selfish as this sounds, if me and boyfriend do end up very serious, I would like her out of his life, period. Deep down I feel that I would have no desire to have (for example) my children around her. My boyfriend has even admitted, yes she has her faults (not that my friends are without theirs), but he has considered cutting her friendship because of her attitude problems in the past. I decided not to bring my boyfriend into the previous work problems/problems with her so that he wouldn't be stuck in the middle. I did talk to him about it though. Then I think about it, yes they've known each other for 5 years or so.

 

But how can I get over the fact that she's a part of his life too? It's not as if they're constantly calling each other. But what does bother me is that she'll call my cell phone sometimes to get a hold of him. I pass him the phone whenever it's her because I know that's the only reason she's calling. She doesn't even have the audacity to say 'hi' to me once she's done talking to him, not even to tell him to relay a 'hi' to me. Even though he has his own cell phone, and she has his number. Heck she's on his speed dial as well. Personally if feels like she knows sometimes that he won't pick up his phone when he's with me, so she calls me. Thinking about that right now just makes me upset.

 

Anyone have any tips, suggestions, comments? Life advice ?

[Holding-On]

Well, I have no advice. Just a story of personal experience from the other side. Aren't I helpful?

 

It's hard when she's been his friend a long time.

If your boyfriend asks to marry you and commit to a long term relationship that would be the time to ask what each of you should do about friends that bother the other spouse.

 

I had a best friend who was male. Honestly, in large part he was my friend because he was into me that way. He put up with so much from me (met when I was 17 going on 12). He knew I was not attracted to him in that way. Well years later I got married and my marriage is open. It did not bother my husband that my friend was how he was.

 

A couple of years later though my friend married a girl. I could tell she was always uncomfortable around me and I'm pretty thick about sensing things like that. I chose to end the friendship with my friend. I felt it was better for his marriage. Mutual friends didn't understand it and I didn't want to explain it too much because I felt a bit vain/arrogant giving the attraction that much weight.

 

but when you know how another feels, you know.

If you and your boyfriend talk about making your relationship more serious, I personally, would have the "what to do about friends that are attracted us" debate. Ultimately it has to be his decision.

[sb129]

I get the feeling that you don't like her, and that you may be hypersensitive to how she treats you at work. If she didn't have any personal connection to you, perhaps you wouldn't see her behaviour at work as being inappropriate.

 

Thing is, trying to tell your partner who they can and can't be friends with is a minefield. More often than not the friends were there before you came along, and are often there long after the R has broken down.

 

Why wouldn't you want her around your children? That sounds a little extreme in the absence of any real reasons.

[pleasedontbreakme]

Well, I have no advice. Just a story of personal experience from the other side. Aren't I helpful?

 

It's hard when she's been his friend a long time.

If your boyfriend asks to marry you and commit to a long term relationship that would be the time to ask what each of you should do about friends that bother the other spouse.

 

I had a best friend who was male. Honestly, in large part he was my friend because he was into me that way. He put up with so much from me (met when I was 17 going on 12). He knew I was not attracted to him in that way. Well years later I got married and my marriage is open. It did not bother my husband that my friend was how he was.

 

A couple of years later though my friend married a girl. I could tell she was always uncomfortable around me and I'm pretty thick about sensing things like that. I chose to end the friendship with my friend. I felt it was better for his marriage. Mutual friends didn't understand it and I didn't want to explain it too much because I felt a bit vain/arrogant giving the attraction that much weight.

 

but when you know how another feels, you know.

If you and your boyfriend talk about making your relationship more serious, I personally, would have the "what to do about friends that are attracted us" debate. Ultimately it has to be his decision.

 

Thanks, that has helped a great deal actually

[pleasedontbreakme]

I get the feeling that you don't like her, and that you may be hypersensitive to how she treats you at work. If she didn't have any personal connection to you, perhaps you wouldn't see her behaviour at work as being inappropriate.

 

Thing is, trying to tell your partner who they can and can't be friends with is a minefield. More often than not the friends were there before you came along, and are often there long after the R has broken down.

 

Why wouldn't you want her around your children? That sounds a little extreme in the absence of any real reasons.

 

I feel that even if she didn't have any personal connection to me, she still treats me inappropriately. She doesn't treat anyone else the way she would treat me. And I feel a sense of resentment from her. It's just that underlying sense that I felt, and do feel around her. Things just became strained. Even outside of work she began to treat me like crap.

 

As for not having her around possible future children, I have my reasons. I wouldn't want someone who treats me that way (unless she decides to change), to become friendly with my children. Then have to explain later on in life why I don't like that one person who mommy dislikes and daddy likes. I wouldn't feel right lying and pretending to be nice around someone just because of my children, if she can't respect me then I feel why should I respect her? I've shown her respect, and she needs to grow up. I understand she could just be one of those people whom I have to deal with, but in the long run it would be easier to just cut a tie with someone who would cause strain in my R.

 

As for telling my boyfriend that he can't be friends with her, I totally understand, I wouldn't want him telling me I can't be friends with someone on my side, but at the same time, relationships have sacrifices and compromises.

 

I know I still have a bit of growing up time to do and I feel that I need sometime when I'm stable with my school(/career) before I can talk to her, so she won't treat me like a total juvenile. I'm hoping that she'll respect me more. But in the meantime, I treat her the same way I always have, as a friend even though she chooses to treat me in ways that I think are inappropriate.

[soconfused01]

I would try as best you can to be as peachy keen to her as you can manage while at work, and when you and your boyfriend are together, I would ask him not to answer the phone if it's her, and don't answer yours either. I don't even talk to my sister when she calls and I'm hanging out with people, much less my boyfriend. It's just rude to do so and I can call her back later. This girl is stepping on some relationship boundaries, so it's time to reinforce them.

[carhill]

Does your BF have other female friends?

[2sure]

My best friend, for almost twenty years is a guy. He has always been attracted to me but has put that aside knowing it is not returned. My husband has zero problem with him. However, since H and I married 3 years ago, I have to admit my friend does not contact me as much ( iwish he did). What I am saying is that this woman, his friend for only 5 years, will probably fade away should your boyfriend and you become more serious.

 

That being said, you are probably 100% correct in sensing that she resents you. Mention to your BF that as a woman you KNOW she is treating you badly and that you really don't care what her motives are - she is being petty. Leave it at that. Since he has already admitted this woman's attitude has bothered him in the past...your mentioning this will just highlight this every time he speaks with her. Eventually he will not find her pleasant.

 

If you know it is her calling, don't answer the phone. OR tell her, oh yeah - he is here, but busy right now. Why dont you leave a message on his cell?

[pleasedontbreakme]

Does your BF have other female friends?

 

He does, but none that act the way this one is acting, nor are they as close to him. And I have a good handful of male friends as well. So I mean yes it wouldn't be fair to tell him straight out to ditch her (over time), since I have male friends, but at the same time I'd like to think that if he disliked one of my friends the way that I dislike his bestfriend, that I would seriously reconsider the friendship with them for him.

 

My best friend, for almost twenty years is a guy. He has always been attracted to me but has put that aside knowing it is not returned. My husband has zero problem with him. However, since H and I married 3 years ago, I have to admit my friend does not contact me as much ( iwish he did). What I am saying is that this woman, his friend for only 5 years, will probably fade away should your boyfriend and you become more serious.

 

That being said, you are probably 100% correct in sensing that she resents you. Mention to your BF that as a woman you KNOW she is treating you badly and that you really don't care what her motives are - she is being petty. Leave it at that. Since he has already admitted this woman's attitude has bothered him in the past...your mentioning this will just highlight this every time he speaks with her. Eventually he will not find her pleasant.

 

If you know it is her calling, don't answer the phone. OR tell her, oh yeah - he is here, but busy right now. Why dont you leave a message on his cell?

 

Thanks, that has helped a lot . I feel a bit weak, when she calls (my cell), as if I'm supposed to give my cell phone to him. But next time I should just tell her he's busy. The only thing is that I can't tell when she's seriously being snobby, or if she's joking around because she's just sort of like that.

 

I have talked to him about her, and as a friend I know he's made certain reasons (not necessarily excuses, because I would say the same things about my friends), as to why she is the way she is. Namely her personality, her religion, her insecurity (that was a biggie that he brought up) etc. I mean I'm not perfect, but I sure will try to treat people the way I want to be treated. But that's also just me.

[Geishawhelk]

The red flag for me is that she has feelings for your BF. That's more than just friendship, and if your BF knows this, then he's playing into the 'drama'....(I don't mean that unkindly....) he may well like having two women interested in him, though of course, as he's said, he'd never act on her infatuation......

What person really wouldn't like the flattery.....?

[pleasedontbreakme]

The red flag for me is that she has feelings for your BF. That's more than just friendship, and if your BF knows this, then he's playing into the 'drama'....(I don't mean that unkindly....) he may well like having two women interested in him, though of course, as he's said, he'd never act on her infatuation......

What person really wouldn't like the flattery.....?

 

I totally agree with you, and to be honest I do keep male friends despite the fact that I know they're attracted to me. It's not that I consider him a player, but it's more like I'm worried about her. That she may try something. He's told me that he's not interested in her, overall, her personality, physical appearance etc.

[Geishawhelk]

It might help to point out to him then, that much as he might think it considerate and generous to continue this 'friendship', if she has - as he suspects - feelings for him, this is being unkind to her, and giving her false hopes.

He may have told her he's absolutely not interested, no way, but if she likes him that way - her heart will not be listening, and she'll believe she's getting mixed messages - which to her, will mean that there's hope then.....

The kindest thing he could do is to tell her that maybe they should quit seeing each other or talking for a while. See how she reacts.

 

She'll either throw a dicky fit and get all stroppy,

 

or say

 

"That's ok, I understand. look, when you feel like chatting again, contact me. Until then, have a good Life!"

 

(hah!!)

My guess is that she'll blame you.

jealousy.

Which will prove your point then.

 

Won't it?

[carhill]

OK, I'll do one of my wild pitches....

 

Your BF's female friend saw your BF as a secondary (regardless of his feelings, even if non-existent, some women think they can have any man they put their mind to) plan to her BF at the time. Oops, you start dating your now-BF and it appears you're hitting it off, which screws up her backup plan. This annoys her So, she goes about putting a bit of flame under her bunny boiler to annoy you.

 

Go easy, I'm a guy

[pleasedontbreakme]

OK, I'll do one of my wild pitches....

 

Your BF's female friend saw your BF as a secondary (regardless of his feelings, even if non-existent, some women think they can have any man they put their mind to) plan to her BF at the time. Oops, you start dating your now-BF and it appears you're hitting it off, which screws up her backup plan. This annoys her So, she goes about putting a bit of flame under her bunny boiler to annoy you.

 

Go easy, I'm a guy

 

Wow you know I think that is a highly plausible idea. I've never fully thought about it and I think it's rather likely. I personally feel that maybe she's thought of him as that backup 'bestfriend' that suddenly will realize they're 'meant to be', even though supposedly (I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt), that he doesn't like her personality in that way. I personally feel that way about a best guy friend or two, that they're great guys, but the feeling is simply platonic.

 

Now that I think if it that way, I seriously think that would make sense for the underlying sense I get from her. Though I can tell it's not necessarily meant to be open, I can definitely feel it.

 

He told me of one situation where they were at his house (I was dating him at the time, he told me this and that it made him uncomfortable) and they had watched a movie together, and she said something about future planning.

 

She said something along the lines of "Hey wouldn't it be great if I became a nurse and/or doctor and then we worked together/or started private practice?"

And he said "Yeah."

Then she went on saying "And then got married...and had kids..."

His reply was an uncomfortable "Uh...no..."

 

And he said that the way she 'joked' about it was a way that she didn't normally speak to someone else. So I'd like to say that it's a bit unnerving, thus why I posted her for some secondary thoughts, opinions and comments. You guys have helped me unravel this bit by bit. I thank you all! It was something that was biting at the back of my mind, even though the future for me and him is still far off.

[Gato]

at least it isn't one of his x's that he dated for a year.