-just got served papers

[Chrome Barracuda]

Isn't a live lived well the best revenge? Sure I could say I want to go to the gym and become a bodybuilder, go out and date a million girls, or travel around the world. But i'm not exactly built like that, i'm shy and not very good at talking to women (especially when i would be looking for one), and travelling alone doesn't sound very appealing.

 

I want to get out and enjoy people, whatever that means. Yes, I should be taking better care of myself physically, and getting in better shape would also be an ego boost. Maybe I should try to date or get out there more. Heck, I should probably just worry about building the business and getting myself financially stable.

 

Either all that or I'll just get a cat. Haven't decided yet.

 

 

Seems like your stbx is one track minded. Oe of those people who never looks back. If that's the case when this is all over i suggest you leave her alone. Give her the divorce she wants and move on. You'll be better off without a woman who strings you along. there are other good women out here for you to hook up with. So your wife is divorcing you, that doesnt mean you cant make a fresh start. I would consider making things all business.

 

Get your stuff outta the house and do a hard 180. It isnt worth it to hurt yourself over a woman who's first impulse is to run like a coward. She has issues. let some other chump deal with them. most likely it's a pattern she'll keep repeating. over and over.

 

Time to let go.

[mikeymad]

I had a feeling that was the way it was going to work with her. But part of me just wants to see if I can smack her upside the head with the 2x4 of reality. I know that getting a D is about a piece of paper, and homer says that people can reconcile after the D, but it feels like while we are in the midst of this is my final chances to impart upon her the differences that have occurred in a calm, emotionally collected state. It's almost like my body and feelings have gone numb to self preserve.

[phineas]

Because I went out last night with a bunch of strangers, I put my wedding ring on my right hand, because I didn't want to have to either fake it or talk about the situation to anyone. It also felt uncomfortable and wrong. Some times I wonder if she even wears hers anymore.

 

About a month after I found out her affair was still going & I decided to end it I went to my cousins wedding & spent the better part of 2 hrs explaining where my "wife" was.

 

My sister's boyfreind got me the hell out of there because I just couldn't take it anymore.

 

It's gonna be rough.

But once it's rolling & you give the ok for your family & close friends to spread the word, nobody asks about the wife anymore & it's such a relief.

[phineas]

And since she filed papers, am I unable to take any of my sole possessions out of the house to fill my apartment?

 

And this is why you should never move out until divorce is final.

 

My buddy moved out & afterword he was only allowed to take what she didn't want or the stuff that was clearly his.

 

The tools he didn't "lend" me he lost.

I'm talking a whole lotta power-toys.

[mikeymad]

I have somebody that we both talk to, but sees my point of view, and hinted at offers to talk to her. On one hand, they might be able to approach it from a different point of view, which is not me talking so she might listen because she doesn't have a mental block already there and in combat mode.

 

Has anyone had this situation before? I didn't "recruit" this person to do it, they just felt compelled to because of their belief in the sanctity of marriage and the fact we haven't been together very long.

[carhill]

IMO, any sort of triangulation or mediation, except by a disinterested third party, is likely unhealthy.

 

If a friend was going through this, even if I had relationships with both parties, I'd stay out of it. I'd be supportive but not involved in the dynamic. You'll get other opinions

[floridapad]

Yes Mike I had someone else talk to my W as well. Her own sister her mother her father her brother in law a close friend of hers. All of them told her she was making a mistake. While I think it helped a bit she was still in run mode and felt pressured. We will see where things pan out for me. Still a work in progress 8 months later with lotwss of ups and downs.

 

You've got to stop the running and the only way you can do that is to stop the pressuring and continue to say I'll give you the divorce you want (not need) and no more talk of the M.

 

BTW Why the F*ck are you leaving the house if you can't take your stuff with you? Doesn't seem fair that she files for a court order to keep everything in the house and then tells you to leave.

[mikeymad]

and sometimes it takes an objective third party, who has both people's interest in mind, to be a lay-mediator. Because one is so entrenched against their SO that they won't listen to anything they say...

 

this situation just came up, so I'm trying to process it and the possible

outcomes

[mikeymad]

i'm not sure if that order is actually in effect. i will meet a lawyer tomorrow about it. as far as my stuff goes, i left because i figured giving her time and space would help. maybe in this case it just allowed her an easier time to get everything in order for the D. Either way i think i can just grab what is mine without getting in trouble. I can still get into the house, as I think she is living at her parents (probably due to the fact that she served me and was weirded out by my driving by a few weeks ago)

[carhill]

If you need essential furniture and fixtures for your apartment, and your decision is to leave (I likely would disagree with that decision), take what you need. For me, that would be a chair, a table and a bed. If you live like most people, you've got extra rooms and extra furniture. Take what you need. No judge is going to argue with that and, personally, I'd dare an opponent to litigate furniture (and have)

[phineas]

don't forget the spare TV.

[mikeymad]

So do I move in and either wait for the D to be finalized, or her to get a court order to get me out? The house is in her name, she bought it before we were married. That wouldn't exactly help the situation. It would just make her resent me more, which is kind of the opposite of what I want. I dont' want to be vindictive.

[carhill]

OP, wrt your house, regardless of who owned it prior to marriage, you're married and it is your marital home for residence purposes. Either of you can file DV charges and request a DRO but would have to substantiate such in front of a judge or to a DA. I don't think there's been any violence here.

 

Stay or go, your choice. No one, at this juncture, can 'make' you leave.

 

In our case, I helped my stbx buy a new house and helped her move in. I kept the 'stuff' that I wanted and moved the rest. Over and done. Tranquility.

[floridapad]

I hear where you are coming from Mike. You probably would end up getting booted anyways but I'm no lawyer. Perhaps you can put together that list of shared assets I spoke to you about and discuss it with her. If you have the ability to get your stuff legally then I would get it. If she doesn't understand that you are entitled to half of everything you purchased together after the marriage then she is not being rational or fair.

[mikeymad]

I am planning on talking to her, but not after consulting a lawyer and a few friends first. Like you said florida, if this happens to be my exit, I would rather say what I needed to say to let her know how I feel and leave with my head held high. I don't want to go down guns blazing, burning every bridge in sight. Yes that may make me feel good right now because I feel she abandonded me, but hurting them only hurts yourself in the long run.

[mikeymad]

carhill, you also took a different path than most in a lot of situations. You both were actually able to go though filing yourselves, helping her buy a house etc etc. Not all people are fortunate enough to have those lines of communication open to them... If I did I'm sure I'd be pushing for reconciliation.

 

and DV? DRO? Too many acronyms.

[carhill]

DV = domestic violence

DRO = domestic restraining order

 

Neither of which apply in your circumstance but can be used by 'creative' spouses to get an undesirable spouse out of the house.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Well if anything. Go by with a few boxes get what clothes that you own. Take only what you own, remember that and hash the rest out in court. matter of fact retain and lawyer and sue her for witholding the articles and eletronics value you brought before the marriage. If it is her house, remember she could have you arrested by tresspassing or worse.

 

You should have never moved in with her without holding on to some piece of the property.

 

Your marriage is a dead horse. it's over. She holds too many cards, it's best you move on and find someone you can have a REAL relationship with, one that's gonna be a fair and equal partner. this whole thing to her could just be a power trip.

 

Those type of women mayn you need to watch yourself with. I've seen it here on these boards alot.

[carhill]

Not all people are fortunate enough to have those lines of communication open to them... If I did I'm sure I'd be pushing for reconciliation.

 

Perhaps, but that was facilitated by MC, with the factors of age, life experience and perspective contributing. WRT your stuff, in Cali, I couldn't bar my wife access to our (my home, owned far prior to M) marital home and assets without upheld motions for such adjunct to a divorce action. I'd have to show cause for those motions to be upheld. You can see how it's much cheaper and less stressful to learn how to get along, not to be confused with reconciling. In our case, as there was no emotional investment on either side anymore, it was perhaps easier.

 

All that said, I had a plan B ready to go into motion at any time. Many years in business taught me to always have a fallback.

 

Everything I'm telling you has taken place over about two + years. You've been in this a month or two at most. The march continues.

[mikeymad]

what do you mean "those type of women"?

 

I would think that with my 100th post I would actually have some stuff figured out. Just feels like I've gone in circles, and I'm not sure of what the crap i gotta do. Stay, Go, NC, LC, full C, Move back in, Move on, Give up and give in.

 

In some ways i feel like I'm spinning my wheels, because I'm not sure she is there emotionally that any of this will help, and I'm not sure how to gauge it. She's said she's spent, can't give anymore, both in an emotional state, and emotion-less. Not sure what to take at face value now or a grain of salt. Seems to be too many mindgames going around, trying to save face and be strong and pretend like you don't care.

[carhill]

Tell you what. For the rest of this week, forget about everything but getting one solid legal consult on your current situation. Work and that. One step at a time. You shouldn't have to be asking us about removing things and moving into an apartment. You should know what you can do and what you will do. Get ahead of the curve. I know how hard that is. D@mn near killed me.

[mikeymad]

Yes, I know. I have a consult with a lawyer tomorrow, and a talk that mutual "friend" tonight. Not exactly someone either of us is close to, but should be able to provide some insight.

Edited January 12, 2010 by mikeymad

[carhill]

Good... push back from the keyboard and update us later in the week or as appropriate. Best wishes

[Chrome Barracuda]

"Those type of women"

 

Control freaks...

 

Why didnt you buy a house together that way if things would have happened you could have sold the house got half and went your own way. now your kicked out or left voluntarily i might add. and you cant claim anything within that is rightfully yours without a fight.

 

So it's gonna have to be the hard way.

 

180 and NC after its all done.

Edited January 12, 2010 by Chrome Barracuda

[mikeymad]

wow. pretty crazy day.

 

went to my meeting with the laywer, said that it was pretty suspect that I got served when we really don't have much to fight about. and also disrespectful and unnecessary. she thinks the papers are pretty much about her house and the money. Says to get all of my stuff out, and take whatever else i want that's not actually hers outright. Otherwise i will have to pay her an hourly rate to argue to my stuff back. I felt really bad about doing that, especially since she's on vacation. that was until I texted my W tonight...this text convo is shortened to get the gist

 

Me: Hope your wednesday went well and it wasn't too crazy.

 

W: it was Ok, why are you all of a sudden wondering about my day.

 

me: b/c i care, and i know wednesdays are hectic

 

W: you never did care. you never gave an ounce. i stopped giving when i wised up to the misery you forced on me, and i see i'm worth more than that

 

W: your behaviors make me uncomfortable, and you're not taking me seriously

 

me: behaviors?

 

W: texting me, driving by the house (to see if an OM was there), going through our my bank account (because i got an email saying she overdrafted her account, which she did)

 

me: i text to keep communication, i stopped driving by the house a while ago, and the bank sent me an email telling me you overdrafted because my name is on the account.

 

W: i've made my decision, i suggest you take this really seriously.

 

me: (getting mad) funny, should I disregard that serious decision you made to make this work no matter what when you got married?

 

W (this is the best part) Stop it. Your manipulating and mind games really can't break me anymore. I'm focused and clear-headed (and insane). I will be happy again someday. I'm ready to end this miserable marriage. and i AM serious. Thus, they lawyer, summons, petition, and therapy.

 

she went on to call me a deadbeat, gave her awful marriage, sex, financial problems, and no love apparently. she then told me to stop harrassing her and stopped responding.

 

the funny part is that i didn't feel much emotion when talking to the lawyer. these texts also didn't bother me too much at the moment. she has concocted her story, and telling it to herself over and over again until it's real.

 

i'm on the verge of just saying **** it. The light switch just flipped. I can't be with this person, if this is the monster she has become. It will ruin me, because at this point yesterday I was thinking of closing my office, filing personal bankruptcy to save her house, and getting an easy 9-5 to help pay the bills and get us set in that direction. I can go overboard 100000% to make this work, but if she doesn't give a **** about me, why should I try. Boy will she be in for a suprise when she comes back monday after vacation and a helluva lotta stuff is gone. i am starting to realize that i can be ok...with or without her.