-just got served papers

[carhill]

IMO, if she had talked about this substantially, and prior to obtaining an attorney and filing a lawsuit, talking would be beneficial. As things are, I would be hesitant. Try this and I don't know how it fits in with the techniques being offered here; if she 'wants to talk' tell her you'll make an appointment with a MC and she can talk there. That's it. EOC.

 

The first positive thing I learned in the process was how to become comfortable with my spouse being angry with me. That was a really difficult thing for me to do. It's where MC really helped; accepting her anger.

[tnttim]

The thing is we don't both agree with the divorce. I think she is willing to talk, just not sure how to go about doing it. I know Homer's method says no talking about the M, but at this point with the divorce being imminent that is pretty much all we can talk about. I know he also says to just agree and push the divorce.

 

you don't bring up divorce is Homer, responding to her in agreeance with D is homer too. The Homer method is for moving on as well, not just getting spouse back. It's a method that heals your broken heart, and lets you move on, if that's what you want. Read the book, your only getting bits and pieces here.

[mikeymad]

i have the book. and read it multiple times. I'm just trying to figure out how to apply it to my certain situation. We will be talking soon (she said we could) and I asked if we could grab coffee. I'm just wondering how to use the homer method when we talk...I would prefer if we got back together.

[tnttim]

i have the book. and read it multiple times. I'm just trying to figure out how to apply it to my certain situation. We will be talking soon (she said we could) and I asked if we could grab coffee. I'm just wondering how to use the homer method when we talk...I would prefer if we got back together.

If you want her back, I can help, after you get her back your on your own, I'm still figuring out that method.

When you go out for coffee avoid serious talk. Meaning you don't bring up anything about the past, or the D in general. She'll be the one to bring it up. You have to just respond, not knowing what she is going to say is your problem. Your solution is to think out all your answers ahead of time, imagine her saying "I really need this divorce." you will probably want to respond, but did she ask you a question, no she made a statement. So keep your mouth shut and wait for a real question before you respond. She says "What do you think about the divorce." Whats does Homer tell you say, well then say it. She says "do you really want a divorce" you say what homer says, "yes I think we should get a divorce." enough said, don't elaborate, or justify, just agree with her. The easiest method is agreeing and repeating her question with in the answer like "red is really blue" "yes I agree red is blue." You don't say "yes red is blue beacause they changed the meaning of blue to red." you just say yes. When the D talk subsides try to make it enjoyable, you have to have fun on this coffee talk. Keep it fun and light. Pysche yourself up before you go, I listen to comedy on my Ipod before the meeting then I go in happy. If you have to think about it just think about what she'll say, and how'll respond in a good way, picture yourself being calm when you respond, practice it out loud if you have to.

[seibert253]

How do you know that the EA/PA is not still in progress?

 

^^^^^^^

This

[mikeymad]

huh? don't get that last post seibert...

Edited January 11, 2010 by mikeymad

[tnttim]

^^^^^^^

This

the affair should mean nothing to you right now or ever if you want her back. The OM in my case is trying the I'll guilt her back routine, I just sit back and laugh, never works.

[mikeymad]

it doesn't mean anything to me right now. I just need to figure out how to approach things. it's just things don't look too good at the moment.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I suggest a hard 180 and continue NC. You have nothing to talk to her about. and the more you talk to her it sets you back, so why bother trying. You must become indifferent to the woman that hurts you.

 

And if that means cutting her out of your life then so be it. Self preservation is most important.

[floridapad]

Mike,

 

I think your missing the true point of the Homer approach. The needs vs the wants is a huge peice of the Homer approach because once you buy into and "feel" it you will be in a better position to put his "methods" into practice. TNTTim fully gets the wants and needs part and the part about being defensive vs, defending yourself and agreeing with the spouse. This IMHO is what the approach is about because it helps create an indifference to the outcome. That my friend is the most critical point to reach. Indifference. Everything else is just acting, which is OK when beginning the Homer approach but at some point you need to "buy in" to his approach regarding the "self" so that it becomes more natural. Once this is done you will be in a MUCH better place.

[mikeymad]

I guess it's hard to feign indifference to a person whom you committed your life to. I am getting there though. I went through the whole gamut of emotions this weekend. I am physically and emotionally spent.

[floridapad]

It takes time to get there Mike, but you will. The more you try to talk to her about the M though in this state, the more your emotions will service and the tougher it will be for you. YOU need to be the one to control things. She can talk about the D all day long but you really need to listen and keep quiet or simply agree with her. I know it's counter intuitive but trust me. I have been down both paths before and the desperate needy side makes them run FAST. The go with the flow, is tough to do but it does slow things down a bit. You really need to avoid the "Why's "with her. When some one is in run mode and you ask why, their brain will think of EVERYTHING to justify their actions and come up with reasons that are often embelished (e.g. "I was miserable for years" B.S.). The more you ask why the more entrenched they become. Does that make sense to you?

[mikeymad]

I am sad, but I think I have reached the point of indifference (at least it feels like it). She is a completely different person than she was, and if this is who I have proposed to come back...I don't want that.

 

She said, "I am not comfortable meeting considering the circumstances, and I hired a professional to assist because we couldn't work on our issues. You should realize this is serious, and talking about it isn't going to change my mind. I have said everything I have needed to in many ways over the months/years."

 

I replied "That's fine. I'm not going to try and talk you out of this. This is what you feel you need."

[floridapad]

You said the right thing Mike. It will bring you closer to acceptance. Having said that, don't forget to keep focusing on yourself and your personal growth emotionaly. As I have said before, personal healing comes from personal growth. Remeber all the realizations you came to about yourself and how you are in relationships and keep learning. She is somewhere else and that is a fact. You can only focus on your personal growth. You still have a lot of work to do on yourself so you can take it with you and truly make the next relationship flourish. The work is painful but it will pay in spades in the future.

[mikeymad]

And she shot down the meeting idea. She said she doesn't intend for this to get nasty, she's not like that..she wants it to be fair. But she doesn't see a purpose in meeting. She said if we do talk, it's all for me. She has said her piece over and over again, but if I have something I need to say, she respects that and will listen.

 

This sounds like she intends to have 0 contact or relationship at all once this is over and done. Retrospectively, it would appear that she had this intention once i left the house a month ago.

Edited January 11, 2010 by mikeymad

[imagine]

If she has a partner, she will be alien. Snoop. Expose.

[carhill]

OP, remember she has a lawyer. The lawyer is advising her, if she inquires, in all matters pertaining to your marriage, including contact with you.

 

Being further down the road, I can tell you women can be brutal. This isn't your mother here. The best way to handle it IMO is to stick to business. Care less.

[floridapad]

MIke,

 

Do you see what she is doing? She is trying to be noble about this to make herself feel a little better. She doesn't want this to get nasty? Isn't she the one who said she was going to get a pitbull attorney? If you do talk she will listen but it's all for you? WOW how kind of her. She is shut off, she will not truly be able to listen, because she will be making counter arguements in her head the whole time.

 

You say you think she intends to have 0 contact or relationship after this is done. Mike, I know it may not seem like it now but YOU will be the not wanting contact down the road. The ONLY way you can move on, in fact, is to have no contact so you can greive and accept.

 

She has many people pulling her strings between her parents and the attorney. The more you "talk" about the M the more YOU will be pulling her strings (and inadvertantly your own)......In the wrong direction. Give it time for your emotions to settle. I mentioned to you in the very beginning, these things are a looooong haul. Everytime you mention the M word it only serves to have her run and she will say things that will just make you feel worse. Think about it. Are all the things you have said and done since the "blow up" working to heal yourself?

 

Now having said that If you want to say your peace to move on then I understand, but if you want to say your peace to try and knock some sense into her....IT WON'T WORK. She will not truly be listening. Just countering everything you say in her mind. Give it time.

[mikeymad]

I was essentially going to just tell a version of the 3 sentences.

 

You're probably not even listening to me right now, but know I care about you. I don't know what our futures hold as no one can, but I know right now you want this. I agree with you 100%. At this point we can't save the old marriage, and we can't create a new and better one if we're not both willing to work at it, so I will give this divorce to you. I hope after this happens we can still be friendly because of the past we have together, and still be a part of the other persons life.

 

That probably sucks, but it's my first version.

[floridapad]

Needs work. Be patient the words will come. I would definately not put the last sentance in. It expresses YOUR needs and not necessarily hers....right now. Yes unfair I know but it is what it is. It won't accomplish anything. Take out the "not listening to me" . Too negative. Other LSer's will post some feedback hopefully. This needs to be a "love" letter of sorts without being gushy. You need to leave it with your head high, everything off your chest, but in a way that is NOT needy or accusatory. Don't be afraid to admit your faults but leave her nothing to counter argue in the letter or else it will be for naught. Take your time on it. It is not to be taken lightly with a few sentences put together. Get out what you need to get out first, but then have someone look at it to make sure it isn't over the top or too needy. Get your heart out my friend. It will be somewhat of a healing process even if the ultimate "version" is completely rewritten.

[mikeymad]

No, she wasn't going to get the pitbull. I was thinking I might have to. Is the letter just something I should read to her on the phone, or just leave it somewhere for her to read. Or would a version of the Plan A letter i drafted off or yours be too late.

Edited January 11, 2010 by mikeymad

[mikeymad]

And since she filed papers, am I unable to take any of my sole possessions out of the house to fill my apartment?

[mikeymad]

Talked to one of our mutual friends today. She has apparently talked to my W about stuff with us in the past months. She said that my W didn't really have anything positive to say about the relationship. She also said that when she tried to play devils advocate to get her to look at things a different way, she pretty much refused. My W (or stbxw) is one of those people that once she makes a decision, she executes it (i guess in the example of our M, quite literally).

[floridapad]

Sorry to hear that. Don't blame yourself for everything. She is the other part of the equation. She is equally to blame. Own your part in the demise and learn from it. You will be a better person for it.

 

You have heard so much advice here on LS and from friends and familly. You have heard what to do and what not to do.

 

I have a (several) question(s) for you now that things are at where they are at. What do YOU want to do to heal yourself? What are your plans? What do you "feel" like doing? I truly want to know. Don't say "I don't know". What do you feel like doing? You need therapy!!! I don't mean professional (although don't discount that) but what do you like doing. What have you always wanted to do?

 

These are not rhetorical questions Mike. I really want to hear. I'm curious.

[mikeymad]

Isn't a live lived well the best revenge? Sure I could say I want to go to the gym and become a bodybuilder, go out and date a million girls, or travel around the world. But i'm not exactly built like that, i'm shy and not very good at talking to women (especially when i would be looking for one), and travelling alone doesn't sound very appealing.

 

I want to get out and enjoy people, whatever that means. Yes, I should be taking better care of myself physically, and getting in better shape would also be an ego boost. Maybe I should try to date or get out there more. Heck, I should probably just worry about building the business and getting myself financially stable.

 

Either all that or I'll just get a cat. Haven't decided yet.