Author mikeymad Posted January 9, 2010 Author Posted January 9, 2010 LS- I'm in a really bad place right now. Reaching out for your wisdom, love and support. I have always had too much pride to ask for help before, but I can't bear this cross myself.
floridapad Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 Mike, My heart goes out to you. Avoid your stbxw for a couple of days while you sort through your emotions. This is no longer about you and her but rather about you. If she wants to talk just tell her to give things a couple of days to settle all the emotions and then talk. She wants a divorce? Give it to her. Let her know you will give her an uncontested divorce. If she wants to get a "pitbull" attorney for your year and half marriage, then tell her "I'm sorry you feel you wanted this to get ugly. I thought you wanted this to get done quickly". She truly isn't worth it Mike. I know you love her but this behavior is not characteristic of someone who would be by your side in the long haul, when things got really tough. She abandoned you while you were trying to make a career to support a future family. Yes you learned a few things along the way about yourself and relationships and you can take that with you. Your a young guy and there are alot of good women in your age bracket that will be more supportive than the current W. Honestly, I don't mean to knock your stbxw too much but it does seem a bit weak of her to bail so quickly. I do feel sorry for any future H or BF she may have. Her parents sound like they control her and you do not want that in a W. You will make it through this. Keep posting and right now do what YOU feel like doing and stop hanging on to those damn "images" of you and her. You can have that with someone else. You can't have that with a woman whose character is such that she is controlled by her parents and runs when things don't go perfectly her way. Don't bother arguing these points with her. It will be fruitless and only agitate the situation. Now is the time to learn how to let things go.
Author mikeymad Posted January 9, 2010 Author Posted January 9, 2010 she has told me she is and has been miserable for years. wanted things to change but they didn't. had cold feet before the wedding. maybe we both ignored the warning signs. Her position in arguements was always to reatreat. In her life she hasn't really had a problem cutting people out and never talking to them again. She did this with her best friend after the wedding over the fact that her friend was mad she wasn't the MOH instead of my wife's (still can't call her my stbxw) sister. retrospect seems to give us all the possible answers i guess.
Author mikeymad Posted January 9, 2010 Author Posted January 9, 2010 funny thing is i always joked about never being able to wear a wedding ring, since i wasn't a big jewelry person, and when I tried them on it bugged me to no end. After the day I put it on, i realized what it meant, and I never took it off. It don't know if it's more painful to look at it and feel its there, or to see a bare spot where love used to reside.
carhill Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 Hope you dodge a bullet on the business part of the divorce and I can only offer my sympathies on the rest. I've gone through both (the business part and the emotional part), and on a much longer marriage. One day at a time.
floridapad Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 Your wife had cold feet? Pretty normal in marriage plus when her parents are feeding her the Sh*t they were feeding her I'm sure it gave her cold feet. Miserable for years? How long have you known each other? If she was that miserable why did she marry you. Mike, you know that is BS. Did you make mistakes? Sure. Everyone does, but to say she is miserable for years when you have been married for only 1.5 years. WTF????? I'm going to get analytical on you with your emotions for a second. There are two things going on with you that I can see. 1) loss of someone you love and 2) BIG self confidence hit. Emotionally resolve these issues and hopefully you will be on a path to healing 1) Loss of love - This hurts badly. We all know. The only way to get through this is to greive and accept. Acceptance that she was not meant to be the mother of your children and life partner. Honestly though, is this the type of woman that would be able to settle in for the long haul and be strong for the children and family unit without bugging out when things got tough. If you had children with her, things would have gotten really tough. Loss of love hurts. Greive and accept. Loss of her? Well I'm thinking that with the way she has behaved, you will have a light switch go off in your head down the road that says "WTF was I thinking greiving over the loss of her". Do you understand where I'm coming from? Loss of love vs loss of her....... 2) Self esteem. Ouch it hurts to hear those words " I was miserable for years". "Where did I go wrong" you will ask yourself. It's a two way street my friend. She made mistakes and you made mistakes for your own reasons. You however are in a position to learn from this about yourself. You made some GREAT realizations about yourself that you communicated to me on the phone and here on LS. Learn about yourself in this process and grow from it and your self esteem will slowly come back and as you date again you will KNOW you are a better person for having gone through the emotional work about yourself that most men don't do until later on in life....If at all. You will be a BETTER person for all of this if you learn, grow and keep those changes for yourself. You definately will . Her on the other hand? She will outwardly blame you 10000% for her misery and as you know she has work she needs to do on herself and it doesn't sound like she sees that. God love her next H (Sarcasm of course). Good luck Mike. Lot's of support for you here.
Author mikeymad Posted January 9, 2010 Author Posted January 9, 2010 There was also an EA on her part that blossomed into a PA (a kiss as far as I know). Should I use that in divorce proceedings, and can she be forced to tell the whole truth under oath?
carhill Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 (edited) If your jurisdiction is no-fault-only, like Cali, she could do the whole football team in front of you and it won't matter one whit. It's just business. If you live in a fault jurisdiction, or one which allows both type suits to be brought, you'll have to weigh the legal costs of bringing a fault suit (infidelity, abandonment, alienation of affection, etc) versus the benefits. What I've taken away from the process in my jurisdiction is that the court overwhelmingly wants people to settle their lawsuits and use as little of the court's time and resources as possible. They encourage people to work things out outside of the courtroom. I've heard judges say this enough times to know it isn't coincidental. They are there as a control and a place of last resort, when all other attempts to settle fail. You've been together about five years, correct? Edited January 9, 2010 by carhill
Author mikeymad Posted January 9, 2010 Author Posted January 9, 2010 about 5 yes. married 1.5, engaged 1.5 year, dated for 1.5
Author mikeymad Posted January 9, 2010 Author Posted January 9, 2010 how her parents felt didn't come out until she left to go home to them. i know they had concerns about us before I left, and we all sat down and talked. I also wrote them a letter a while back (last year) telling them I wanted to be good for their daughter. Probably because i knew the influence they had on her. ****ty part is even though her mom said she didn't want us to get married, she-of her free will by the way - came up to my parents and said how glad she was to have me in the family. oh what tangled webs we weave.
carhill Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 Saturday would be a good day to call up a male friend and go out for beers. I have a regular 'date night' at my bf's house. We generally BBQ and his wife fixes sides and whomever shows up and we shoot the breeze and unwind and unload our stresses. It's been really beneficial for me during the divorce process. He's also a successful (now retired) business person who's been divorced and has given me a lot of practical advice and support. IMO, you need to network and build up support (which goes both ways) to balance your emotions during this period. A lawyer will, as others have mentioned, handle the legal stuff but you still will have to process the rest yourself. It's Saturday. What are you going to do today?
Author mikeymad Posted January 9, 2010 Author Posted January 9, 2010 Youre right. I need to get out of this place, and away from this computer, sitting here thinking. My brother is having a going away party for a friend of his, and he invited me. I think I'll go out and socialize, and get the heck outta this city. I'm not gonna answer my phone if she calls, which she proabably won't. Oh well. thanks for listening guys...I'll rap at ya tomorrow
JLoves Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 Sorry to hear it's going the D route so quickly. It raises ugly demons in my mind about how things are going in my life. (or could, thats worse). After my W left she asked to come back 4 days later and 'talk'. I happened to be going to the doctors that day because I wanted to know if I was depressed. She said 'You are not ready to talk, it's to early, put her off'. I did and felt much better for it. Got myself into a better mental state and decided what I wanted to happen. Sleeping on things for a few days made such a big difference. It's a bit tricky I guess, you can't exactly make an appt with yourself Get out with people who will support you. If you feel you are leaning on them to much, turn to LS to give them a break. Good luck Mike.
imagine Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 Mikey, When you get back tell us more about the EA.
broken hearted Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 If she has a lawyer, i pretty much have to get one or i'm screwed. I guess this is tough on my pride. I mean I'm friggin 27 years old, a doctor, and she can't even stay with me past our first year of marriage? At this point I doubt it matters much to her that she destroyed my life, planted my roots for her ( i have a private practice that is only 2 mi from house), and was willing to do whatever it took to make the marriage work. Believe me mikeymad, I feel exactly the way you do. I feel as though I am a failure! I am 27 years old as well, I was married for 5 years with 2 children. I am SO embarrassed by this whole situation. Sometimes I feel like I am a failure at life...I failed my children by bringing them into this world and not being able to keep their parents together, I failed at marriage, I failed at love, I failed at my happy ending... My pride and self esteem has taken an enormous beating. I feel like a second class citizen sometimes because I am a 27 year old single mother...even though I didn't choose any of this, my H did. All of his actions and decisions affected me more than he will ever understand. I know exactly how you are feeling mikeymad, I just wish I had the words to take it all away! Be strong. I didn't think I had the strength to get through this nightmare but somehow I have made it and I now know I am going to be OK!
Author mikeymad Posted January 9, 2010 Author Posted January 9, 2010 Well she called today and I let it go to VM. she said that she had a few free minutes if I wanted to talk, but understood if I didn't want to. I sent her a text saying I couldn't talk...too emotional for me, even though she seemed to be taking it in stride. She lashed back that she isn't fine, but she is coping the best she can, and I have no right to judge her. I said we can talk in a few days when I am more level headed. My day is pretty much ran off the tracks, so I shut my phone off. Is it bad that it makes me feel better that she isn't doing so hot herself? Maybe her conscience is kicking in and she knows what she is doing to me. For some reason I hope to keep things amicable for hope of the future when we both get our **** figured out, but the other part of me knows this could get very ugly very quickly if I/we aren't careful. Ok. last post today for real. be back tomorrow.
LisaUk Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 They all say this, mine was all like "this is so hard" even said "I may change my mind in a few months if I miss you enough", it's been 10 months since he left now. My advice about the text, you sould have said, "I'm busy right now, but if you want to talk I could call you tomorrow" 180 all the way Mike, 180.
curiou Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 As a physician a little older than you, i'd advise you to complete your divorce as soon as possible. That "sad" part about not being married long enough to accumulate any debts or assets--that's actually the most wonderful part of this tragedy. You'll see it retrospectively. Keep working on yourself, live a healthy lifestyle. I think the sooner you split up, the better to protect your long-term emotional and financial well-being. You're a 27 year old doctor--you will likely make the upper 1.5 percentile of all earners in the US. You're gold.
Author mikeymad Posted January 10, 2010 Author Posted January 10, 2010 Right now I'm not so worried about my assets. I don't really have any to speak of. Went out with my brother and a bunch of his friends last night. It was hard, just because everyone knew each other, and I was kind of the odd person out, which made me feel even more alone. No communication between me and my W (my phone died), but no messages etc when I plugged it in today. Not that I expect any. Man I miss her. I'm feeling a lot of mixed emotions. Anger for leaving me. Confusion as to why this happened so quickly, and when she decided that she wanted this. I feel shame that this is happening so soon in our marriage, and that I will be 27 with a divorce under my belt.
imagine Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 How do you know that the EA/PA is not still in progress?
Author mikeymad Posted January 10, 2010 Author Posted January 10, 2010 i don't. i can only assume that the fact that she is religious and went to confession about it, that it isn't continuing anymore. I would have no way of finding out.
Author mikeymad Posted January 10, 2010 Author Posted January 10, 2010 Because I went out last night with a bunch of strangers, I put my wedding ring on my right hand, because I didn't want to have to either fake it or talk about the situation to anyone. It also felt uncomfortable and wrong. Some times I wonder if she even wears hers anymore.
Author mikeymad Posted January 10, 2010 Author Posted January 10, 2010 If we were to talk, would it be better to be over the phone or in person?
carhill Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 IMO, the best place to talk is in person in MC, but, absent that, IMO, discourse prior to lawyers being retained should be in person. After, through the lawyers and/or in writing with counsel's knowledge/consent, unless mutually agreed upon MC and/or mediation takes place. Since she's retained a lawyer and has filed a lawsuit, I personally wouldn't talk to her directly. My stbx and I had the 'we mutually agree that we should divorce' talk in person and everything subsequent has been in writing. There's really no need to talk.
Author mikeymad Posted January 10, 2010 Author Posted January 10, 2010 The thing is we don't both agree with the divorce. I think she is willing to talk, just not sure how to go about doing it. I know Homer's method says no talking about the M, but at this point with the divorce being imminent that is pretty much all we can talk about. I know he also says to just agree and push the divorce.
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