too embarrassed to sleep with him

[parky-our-zeppelin]

Men are frequently shallow, arrogant, and callous. It sounds like that's the category your ex fell into. Sex is a really important part of any relationship, and if you and the guy you're dating now are really in love (which, if you're in a relationship, you should be), you need to have that with him at some point, and if he loves you and is a decent guy it shouldn't matter to him. As a guy, looks matter to me like any man or woman, but not at the expense of personality, feelings of emotional closeness, etc.

 

Also, consider that you can still have sex with a bra on until you become more comfortable with it.

[christian6]

I wouldn't call the ex shallow. He couldn't have known that she had sagging breasts when he got together with her. Atleast he was honest with her.

Looks matter a lot in a relationship, whether you like it or not. It's true that sagging is natural for some women, but whether they are attractive or not is another story.

Edited December 19, 2009 by christian6

[twoto2]

if you don't want to turn off a potential bf, I think you should get surgery done.

[twoto2]

^^^^^^^^^^^^ Quoted for It has A LOT to do with attitude. And there are definitely guys out there that are not as shallow as your piece-of-crap xbf. Do NOT let him ruin you.

 

If this is going to continue to be a concern, I would highly recommend you sit down with him and explain what happened with your ex. Otherwise, you are risking pushing away what could be a great guy.

 

saggy boobs would hardly be a turn on for any man, that makes us all shallow.

[boogieboy]

what i meant was, guys making nasty comments in such situations (saggy boobs, small boobs) isn't exactly unheard of. her fear is understandable .

 

Yeah but since she doenst want to do surgery, she shouldnt care what anyone else thinks about them.

[ella23]

well it's true that I don't want surgery, but at the same time I cannot not care about what others would think.

 

anyway, we went on the date and he came to drop me off. I invited him up for coffee. and we were making out and all and he tried to undress me , but I just froze, even though I'd told myself I won't stop him if he tried to sleep with me again. He realised that I was getting uncomfortable and backed off.

[sugar_and_spice]

Yeah but since she doenst want to do surgery, she shouldnt care what anyone else thinks about them.

with guys behaving the way they do, and from some of the responses here, I don't think that could be possible.

 

 

anyway, we went on the date and he came to drop me off. I invited him up for coffee. and we were making out and all and he tried to undress me , but I just froze, even though I'd told myself I won't stop him if he tried to sleep with me again. He realised that I was getting uncomfortable and backed off.

tell him you need time.

Edited December 19, 2009 by sugar_and_spice

[ella23]

after reading http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=197863&highlight=saggy&page=13

this thread, I'm feeling even worse after seeing the responses from the guys, most of which are "all breasts are fine as long as they are perky"

I sometimes wish I had smaller and perkier breasts over my big and sagging ones.

[ella23]

tell him you need time.

nope. I'm planning on calling him today/tomorrow and breaking up. I don't want to get surgery done and I'm not confident either. Sexless nun? that's ok.

Edited December 19, 2009 by ella23

[twoto2]

after reading http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=197863&highlight=saggy&page=13

this thread, I'm feeling even worse after seeing the responses from the guys, most of which are "all breasts are fine as long as they are perky"

I sometimes wish I had smaller and perkier breasts over my big and sagging ones.

 

well, I know it makes you sad, but unfortunately that's how it is. Men don't find sagging breasts attractive, period.

[Vintage79]

I'm a guy, and I can't say that I find saggy breasts attractive, but it seems like an absolutely ridiculous reason to break up. Unless you're the bona fide Venus or Adonis, something isn't going to be perfect...it's something that more-or-less everyone deals with. The key is recognizing that different people appreciate different aspects of bodies. Some guys are breast guys, so they may break up if the breasts aren't perfect, other people like a good ass (some like them small, some like them large), other like the legs, the stomach, amazing eyes, great hair, but in the end, the only feature that's going to grab some one for the long haul is an a great personality that clicks with the other. You've made a lot of progress with this guy, and at least to me, it seems strange to break up over your situation.

 

If he seems like a sensitive guy, or at least some one who isn't going to try to intentionally damage your self esteem, I would probably talk to him about your body image issues before breaking up with him. I think that there's a very good chance that he will be understanding, although he may not. If you get the impression that he's not sensitive, break up with him, as he isn't interested in you for the right reasons. If he's understanding, you can probably figure out a way to slowly transition into a more intimate scenario.

 

Unless you kick the image issue, you'll be without intimacy for the rest of your life. Perhaps that's fine, but given that you're attempting to re-enter a relationship, I'm guessing that's not what you actually want. Some things are hard, and your situation is certainly emotionally taxing, but conquering the dilemma is likely needed for your long(er) term happiness. Reaching out to very sensitive guys is one way to help bolster your self esteem - don't miss out on the opportunity if you think it's there.

 

I wish you a very sincere best.

[james123]

well, I know it makes you sad, but unfortunately that's how it is. Men don't find sagging breasts attractive, period.

 

yep, ditto.

[sugar_and_spice]

after reading http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=197863&highlight=saggy&page=13

this thread, I'm feeling even worse after seeing the responses from the guys, most of which are "all breasts are fine as long as they are perky"

I sometimes wish I had smaller and perkier breasts over my big and sagging ones.

 

I wish I could say something comforting, but I really can't think of anything, because I know that's how guys are unfortunately. they don't realise that it's quite natural for breasts to sag at young ages too.

Edited December 19, 2009 by sugar_and_spice

[sugar_and_spice]

nope. I'm planning on calling him today/tomorrow and breaking up. I don't want to get surgery done and I'm not confident either. Sexless nun? that's ok.

 

don't do that.

[Ingenue]

nope. I'm planning on calling him today/tomorrow and breaking up. I don't want to get surgery done and I'm not confident either. Sexless nun? that's ok.

 

Don't do that. In your own mind you've already convinced yourself that this guy is going to reject you. But you haven't even given him an opportunity to do that. Considering how tentative and slow he's taking it with you, he seems like the type that would respond reasonably to an honest admission. You don't need to draw attention to the breast area, but you could, as another poster suggested, tell him that you've some body issues and you'd like to take things slowly. If he reacts poorly to that, take it from there. But don't convict the guy of possibly doing something before he has the chance to do it. He may just surprise you.

[thegreatmoose]

if you don't want to turn off a potential bf, I think you should get surgery done.

 

saggy boobs would hardly be a turn on for any man, that makes us all shallow.

 

well, I know it makes you sad, but unfortunately that's how it is. Men don't find sagging breasts attractive, period.

No, it's only shallow immature boys like you. :rolleyes:

[thegreatmoose]

nope. I'm planning on calling him today/tomorrow and breaking up. I don't want to get surgery done and I'm not confident either. Sexless nun? that's ok.

I'm a man who feels this type of thing really doesn't matter. Good men care about the person and shallow boys are the ones who make huge deals about this.

 

You can't let shallow boys ruin your dating life. Breaking up over something like this would be really silly and incredibly sad. You can't judge all men by what some shallow boys think.

 

Instead of breaking up, tell your boyfriend what is wrong. If he is unsympathetic or makes a big deal of it, dump him in a second and do it coldly. Otherwise, you have a man who doesn't care and you were imagining a problem that wasn't there.

 

If you can't handle this, you need to see a professional so you get the help you need. If you don't deal with issues when you are younger, they can get worse when you are older. We all have various issues and we all have to face our fears. One of the biggest things I have regretted in life was not facing some fears when I was younger. You can get through this.

[twoto2]

No, it's only shallow immature boys like you. :rolleyes:

 

you might be surprised but that is how most guys would feel.

[v g]

ella23, I'm a 32DD. I have always had saggy breasts. But I as well as men I've been involved with have looked at them and appreciated them as being big, nice breasts. But if someone doesn't want to be with me because of my saggy breasts, good to know. Next!

 

I would personally advise that you get comfortable, quiet, relaxed, and start visualizing getting intimate with your bf and this being a wonderful and positive experience, doing this over and over.

 

Lastly, get over it. Accept your body as it is or get surgery. Those are your choices.

 

How do you get over it? When I want to get out of the habit of obsessing over something like you're doing, I visualize myself shoving that obsessive thought out the door and then slamming the door with that obsessive thought on the other side of the door. Try it. It feels really good.

 

And then five seconds later when that thought returns to your head, shove it out the door again. Every time you do this, you're practicing a new and healthier habit. Eventually you'll be out of the habit of obsessing about your breasts and all the possible negative outcomes from having saggy breasts.

 

I personally hope you decide to get over it and eventually come to appreciate your body. I promise that in however many years you will look back at your 20 yo body and realize that you should have appreciated it more.

[paddington bear]

Ella, don't listen to all the (probably 20 year old) guys on here going 'oh no saggy breasts are such a turn off') - they are immature and are not helping with your problem.

 

If someone was to ask me if I found a man with a large belly a turn-on, I would say 'no, I don't find a big belly a turn-on'. But I'm seeing a guy now with a big belly. I like him, he comes with the belly, the belly doesn't bother me. Would he look better without it, sure, but does it stop me having sex with him? No. Does it make him a lesser, more unworthy being in my eyes? No.

 

If you are going to break up with this guy, at least tell him why - that you have body issues and clam up as soon as you get intimate, or he'll be on some forum like this saying that this girl he liked dumped him and he was such a nice guy and didn't know what he did wrong.

 

Basically you are consciously losing another man due to your breasts - but this time you are making the decision to allow your self image ruin a relationship. Your choice to decide that you would prefer to be a nun. Come on!!! You have to learn to not care what others think of you.

 

Do not go and get plastic surgery! This is a self-esteem issue. It is the equivalent of a very immature you, breaking up with a boyfriend and telling him that the reason you are breaking up is that his penis is too small, tiny, miniscule. It's a mean comment, designed to hurt and to plant a seed of doubt in the other person's mind and make them feel incredibly vulnerable about their desireability. Again, just because he said it to you, does not mean it is true.

 

Go to a proper, expensive lingerie shop (I used to work in one, so I know what I'm talking about). Get measured and get a bra that actually fits. Most women wear the wrong bra size, and you should get re-measured a few times in a year as your breasts change size every few months. Then spend some time with the shop assistant trying on bras and find one that fits your back size and lifts them up. Honestly this really helps, it will help you realise that they look good. Wear a low-cut top to show them off in your new bra and just get used to the idea that they are not these two horrific appendages, that they are something attractive.

 

You've got to find a way to start liking your breasts, somehow. If you don't, no one else will. If you accept how you look and are confident with it, other people will pick up on that and you will have no problems.

[paddington bear]

PS, if you can have a look at a few full versions of this guy's programmes 'How to Look Good Naked' please do - he basically takes women who hate their bodies, and instead of doing a makeover, making them slimmer, plastic surgery, he teaches them how to love themselves as they are. Here are clips regarding breasts:

 

 

and be lucky you have both breasts:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o2FKUf6z_vI&feature=channel

 

[dnm]

then what? do you want to stay single forever?

i support your decision about being against surgery but this is ridiculous .

[CarrieT]

Well done, Paddington! GREAT clips.

[sugar_and_spice]

Ella, don't listen to all the (probably 20 year old) guys on here going 'oh no saggy breasts are such a turn off') - they are immature and are not helping with your problem.

 

If someone was to ask me if I found a man with a large belly a turn-on, I would say 'no, I don't find a big belly a turn-on'. But I'm seeing a guy now with a big belly. I like him, he comes with the belly, the belly doesn't bother me. Would he look better without it, sure, but does it stop me having sex with him? No. Does it make him a lesser, more unworthy being in my eyes? No.

 

If you are going to break up with this guy, at least tell him why - that you have body issues and clam up as soon as you get intimate, or he'll be on some forum like this saying that this girl he liked dumped him and he was such a nice guy and didn't know what he did wrong.

 

Basically you are consciously losing another man due to your breasts - but this time you are making the decision to allow your self image ruin a relationship. Your choice to decide that you would prefer to be a nun. Come on!!! You have to learn to not care what others think of you.

 

Do not go and get plastic surgery! This is a self-esteem issue. It is the equivalent of a very immature you, breaking up with a boyfriend and telling him that the reason you are breaking up is that his penis is too small, tiny, miniscule. It's a mean comment, designed to hurt and to plant a seed of doubt in the other person's mind and make them feel incredibly vulnerable about their desireability. Again, just because he said it to you, does not mean it is true.

 

Go to a proper, expensive lingerie shop (I used to work in one, so I know what I'm talking about). Get measured and get a bra that actually fits. Most women wear the wrong bra size, and you should get re-measured a few times in a year as your breasts change size every few months. Then spend some time with the shop assistant trying on bras and find one that fits your back size and lifts them up. Honestly this really helps, it will help you realise that they look good. Wear a low-cut top to show them off in your new bra and just get used to the idea that they are not these two horrific appendages, that they are something attractive.

 

You've got to find a way to start liking your breasts, somehow. If you don't, no one else will. If you accept how you look and are confident with it, other people will pick up on that and you will have no problems.

 

Great post.

 

Stop worrying about men, focus on yourself.

Don't break up with this guy yet(I'm assuming you haven't taken that step yet).

[james123]

don't listen to all the (probably 20 year old) guys on here going 'oh no saggy breasts are such a turn off') - they are immature and are not helping with your problem.

I agree that she should not have surgery if she doesn't want to, but she needs to know the truth about what men feel. Like others have said, there is no point in sugarcoating for her. It is in her interest to be aware about people's true opinions so that she can make the best choice.