Wife and I are having problems

[Woggle]

That post was written before I found out the whole story bit I do have a certain envy for players. They have a freedom that married men just don't. They never have to worry about getting the I love you but I am not in love you speech from a wife who has fallen out of love with them. When a woman starts to resent them and hate their guts they can get a new one. It is an ideal life for a man.

 

If I were a woman most of you would be cheering me on and saying you go girl.

[Lizzie60]

That post was written before I found out the whole story bit I do have a certain envy for players. They have a freedom that married men just don't. They never have to worry about getting the I love you but I am not in love you speech from a wife who has fallen out of love with them. When a woman starts to resent them and hate their guts they can get a new one. It is an ideal life for a man.

 

If I were a woman most of you would be cheering me on and saying you go girl.

 

I agree.. it's the best life.. I am living proof and I wouldn't change anything for now.. I think I'm addicted to that sexual passion. I guess it's the same thing for male players.. it's the constant 'change' that is addictive..

[dazzle22]

I would never cheer on any MARRIED person who wants to be a player. If you want to be a player and you are single, go for it and have fun. Why on God's green earth did YOU ever get married.? You are way too immature for that. You really ought to do your wife a favor and set her free.

[Pyro]

That post was written before I found out the whole story bit I do have a certain envy for players. They have a freedom that married men just don't. They never have to worry about getting the I love you but I am not in love you speech from a wife who has fallen out of love with them. When a woman starts to resent them and hate their guts they can get a new one. It is an ideal life for a man.

 

If I were a woman most of you would be cheering me on and saying you go girl.

 

The reason you got married is beyond me. Doesn't sound like you are happily married if you envy single guys. Maybe you should do you and your wife a favor and divorce her. She can't screw you over then since its inevitable in your world for the woman to screw over the guy.

[OldEurope]

I agree.. it's the best life.. I am living proof and I wouldn't change anything for now.. I think I'm addicted to that sexual passion. I guess it's the same thing for male players.. it's the constant 'change' that is addictive..

 

It's the "constant change" that must be totally depressing... Wham bam, thank you, ma'am....Later!

 

Or, as they say back in the States: "Whatever".

 

Sexual passion within a serious relationship bound by a deep love /mutual respect for one another...Only this is happiness...

 

 

xxoOE

[Woggle]

It's the "constant change" that must be totally depressing... Wham bam, thank you, ma'am....Later!

 

Or, as they say back in the States: "Whatever".

 

Sexual passion within a serious relationship bound by a deep love /mutual respect for one another...Only this is happiness...

 

 

xxoOE

 

Unicorns are happiness as well but just like truly happy marriages they are fantasy.

[shadowplay]

Unicorns are happiness as well but just like truly happy marriages they are fantasy.

 

then get divorced. you clearly don't want to be married.

[Woggle]

then get divorced. you clearly don't want to be married.

 

I do like being married but I understand the nature of modern marriage. Despite everything there are advantages to having a wife around as long as I keep her properly in check. I go into this with eyes open which greatly protects my heart in case it goes bust.

[shadowplay]

I do like being married but I understand the nature of modern marriage. Despite everything there are advantages to having a wife around as long as I keep her properly in check. I go into this with eyes open which greatly protects my heart in case it goes bust.

 

This state of ambivalence won't work. Either decide you'll be fully committed to her and banish these thoughts or get divorced.

[Woggle]

This state of ambivalence won't work. Either decide you'll be fully committed to her and banish these thoughts or get divorced.

 

It works for countless men all the time. Marriage works best when a woman loves a man more tan she loves him and that is what I am trying to acheive.

[shadowplay]

It works for countless men all the time. Marriage works best when a woman loves a man more tan she loves him and that is what I am trying to acheive.

 

But if you examine your mood swings you're not actually achieving any sort of balance. You're wobbling all over the place, in a constant state of turmoil. Eventually something will give. Most likely your wife will catch on about your waning feelings and leave you.

 

It doesn't seem like either of you is happy.

Edited December 5, 2009 by shadowplay

[Woggle]

But if you examine your mood swings you're not actually achieving any sort of balance. You're wobbling all over the place, in a constant state of turmoil. Eventually something will give. Most likely your wife will catch on about your waning feelings and leave you.

 

It doesn't seem like either of you is happy.

 

Because there are days when I wish we could just a mutal loving marriage where we both treat eacxh other like gold but that is asking the impossible with modern women. The alternative is what im trying to acheive.

[shadowplay]

Because there are days when I wish we could just a mutal loving marriage where we both treat eacxh other like gold but that is asking the impossible with modern women. The alternative is what im trying to acheive.

 

Yeah, but it's clearly not working. You can't force a feeling or attitude. Right now you're a wobbly mess and it's bringing both you and your wife down.

 

Something needs to change.

 

Why not have a frank talk with her and tell her where you stand? That you're unwilling to give her as much love as she gives you. See if that's something she can accept.

[Island Girl]

but that is asking the impossible with modern women.

 

Woggs! You said you were going to work on these blanket generalizations that by DEFINITION can not be true.

 

Some women have brown eyes.

I know women who have brown eyes.

All women have brown eyes.

See how that can not possibly be true?? Nor is it even a LOGICAL conclusion??!!

 

You are making decisions in your life even how you should behave in your relationship based on irrational thought and assumption. You can't possibly think that is a recipe for success or happiness.

[dazzle22]

There are "advantages" to having a wife as long as you "can keep her in check"??? Sorry, did I miss something? Do you belong to the Taliban? May be you should put her in a burka, put a leash around her neck, and duct tape her mouth. There you go! Perfect woman for you.

 

I swear, if I knew your wife's email, I'd forward all this mysogynistic BS to her. You are starting to make me feel nauseated...

[Woggle]

There are "advantages" to having a wife as long as you "can keep her in check"??? Sorry, did I miss something? Do you belong to the Taliban? May be you should put her in a burka, put a leash around her neck, and duct tape her mouth. There you go! Perfect woman for you.

 

I swear, if I knew your wife's email, I'd forward all this mysogynistic BS to her. You are starting to make me feel nauseated...

 

I don't like it but if a mutually loving and equal relationship is the ideal why do women tend to get bored with them and lose attraction for a man? If a man treats a woman as an equal she will treat him like a doormat.

[Island Girl]

I don't like it but if a mutually loving and equal relationship is the ideal why do women tend to get bored with them and lose attraction for a man? If a man treats a woman as an equal she will treat him like a doormat.

 

No --- wrong Woggle.

 

She will treat him like a doormat if he becomes a puddle - a worshiping fool - who has no back bone.

 

Those two people IN a relationship like that ARE NOT equals.

 

THERE IS BIG DIFFERENCE.

[elaina]

Here's a senario.. Of how this could play out..

 

Wog's wife tells him to choose between her and the friend. Wog chooses the friend. Wife leaves him, files for divorce.. He's feeling good because his pride won, no woman will tell him what to do.. Serves her right for pushing..

 

A month later, he realizes how much he misses her..Going out nightly with his buddy, doing the single life thing, drinking, complaining about women and how they suck is starting to get old and boring..

Sees his friend isn't doing anything to change himself for the better. See's just how miserable and bitter his friend is and realizes that HE made a HUGE mistake by allowing the friend to influence his life in such a way that he now has lost the woman he loves..

 

That very possibly might happen.

 

Woggle, you wrote,

 

"I do like being married but I understand the nature of modern marriage. Despite everything there are advantages to having a wife around as long as I keep her properly in check. I go into this with eyes open which greatly protects my heart in case it goes bust."

 

Have you been hurt really badly by a woman? It sounds like bitterness is eating your soul and is destroying your ability to love and be loved.

 

Women can't control you. That's ok. It seems to me though that fear and bitterness are controlling you?

 

I don't think your wife is wanting to control you. I think she just would love for you to love her. That's not a bad thing for a wife to want from her husband, yeah?

Edited December 6, 2009 by elaina

[Woggle]

Yes I have been hurt badly by women and I determined to never let it happen again. I am doing the total opposite of what I did in my first marriage and seeing if maybe that works.

[Island Girl]

It sounds like bitterness is eating your soul and is destroying your ability to love and be loved.

 

Wow elaina. Exactly.

 

And isn't it just horribly sad and painful to think about a person going through life like that?

 

Women can't control you. That's ok. I don't think your wife is wanting to control you. I think she just would love for you to love her. That's not a bad thing for a wife to want from her husband, yeah?

 

All she wants is to love and be loved BY YOU Woggle.

 

And think about how for many people it is a dream to have that -- and you HAVE IT -- yet can not participate in it, enjoy it, have days of bliss -- because you are so on the lookout for you to be hurt in some way.

 

Just because you can walk around and don't live behind bars and bricks doesn't mean that you aren't in a prison albeit a prison of your own making.

You hold yourself an emotional prisoner by not being able to trust in your wife and truly love and BE loved. It is very sad. And your wife keeps trying...she must seriously ADORE you.

[Woggle]

What happensw if I finally let go of this mistrust and then she slams me with an affair or the I love you but I am not in love with you speech? It took a lot of hard work to build my life back up after the last heartbreak and I don't know if I have it in me to recover from another one. The few times where I do let go and decide to trust her I feel naked, vulnerable and weak and I just want to put on this armor suit of misogyny. Maybe it is wrong but I safe when I being like this. The other part is that I seriously do believe that women that truly love a man and are commited are very very very rare if they even exist at all.

[Island Girl]

What happensw if I finally let go of this mistrust and then she slams me with an affair or the I love you but I am not in love with you speech? It took a lot of hard work to build my life back up after the last heartbreak and I don't know if I have it in me to recover from another one. The few times where I do let go and decide to trust her I feel naked, vulnerable and weak and I just want to put on this armor suit of misogyny. Maybe it is wrong but I safe when I being like this. The other part is that I seriously do believe that women that truly love a man and are commited are very very very rare if they even exist at all.

 

Woggle. This is the most honest post I have seen from you in a while.

 

I used to see vulnerability as weak. I now understand people who can be truly vulnerable are really the strong ones. THAT is the truth.

 

And knowing this I now am one of the strong ones too --- that may not make any sense.

 

In those times when you have been vulnerable to her have you been safe after? She didn't turn around and stick you after that. I know she didn't.

Those are supposed to be STEPS toward a trusting place Woggle.

Each time you are vulnerable and nothing happens you should find safety and security in that not run the other way down that road.

[Woggle]

Here is what started it all. When we were in Vegas it was nearly three weeks and I did not have one episode. I wasn't in a woman hating mood the entire trip My wife said that if she could have bottled whatever was in the air there she would because it was great to see me just let go for once in my life. I was actually feeling about love and everything. It also helped that we got friendly with a couple staying on our floor that seemed to be as in love as we were.

 

When I came back to work and I had to listen to those two women bragging about their affairs as if they some feminist soldiers striking back at the patriarchy I retreated back into misogyny like I was a turtle in it's shell. It was like that high of the vacation came crashing down and here was a sobering reminder of what women are really like and what modern relationships have become. The incident about the friend did not help either because I felt she was trying to control me until I learned the whole story.

 

The reason I am so reluctant to trust is that in many ways I feel I am right. It feels like most women agree with or condone betraying their men and have contempt for men in general.

[elaina]

Yes I have been hurt badly by women and I determined to never let it happen again. I am doing the total opposite of what I did in my first marriage and seeing if maybe that works.

 

Oh. I am a woman, and i am divorced, and the reason I divorced is because I let bitterness eat my love away. He didn't cheat on me, as far as I know. He is a perfectionist and would always criticize me for everything I did that wasn't perfect, and I always felt I could never be good enough for him, so I got very bitter and I ran away. Looking back, I wish I had forgiven him and matured and that we had worked on communication. He fought for the marriage and said he was criticizing me because he knew I could be better, and he wanted me to be the best, but I wasn't raised like that. I am very easygoing and sort of have the philosophy "Live and let live." and I just got hurt and bitter and felt worthless. Bitterness and love don't live together very well... one of them always goes when the other is present, and my bitterness overtook my love for him, sad to say.

 

I really hope that if you love your wife, that you will conquer the bitterness. I'm not trying to control you by saying that. I hope you have happiness and love, and trust is a part of happiness and love too. I hope that both you and your wife can trust each other, because that's very important too.

Edited December 6, 2009 by elaina

[elaina]

Here is what started it all. When we were in Vegas it was nearly three weeks and I did not have one episode. I wasn't in a woman hating mood the entire trip My wife said that if she could have bottled whatever was in the air there she would because it was great to see me just let go for once in my life. I was actually feeling about love and everything. It also helped that we got friendly with a couple staying on our floor that seemed to be as in love as we were.

 

When I came back to work and I had to listen to those two women bragging about their affairs as if they some feminist soldiers striking back at the patriarchy I retreated back into misogyny like I was a turtle in it's shell. It was like that high of the vacation came crashing down and here was a sobering reminder of what women are really like and what modern relationships have become. The incident about the friend did not help either because I felt she was trying to control me until I learned the whole story.

 

The reason I am so reluctant to trust is that in many ways I feel I am right. It feels like most women agree with or condone betraying their men and have contempt for men in general.

 

 

Well,

it is true that there are women who are very callous. I think they've been "desensitized." There are men who are too. For some reason, the culture is changing. Marriage and being faithful and committed are not as important to many people anymore. My grandparents were happily married (My grandmother died of cancer a year ago) for 50 years, but now it seems that this is rare, not the norm. (Many elderly people did stay together even though they weren't happy too.)

 

I think your wife does truly love you. Nobody can promise that she won't ever cheat on you, but I think that's when taking a step of faith comes in. I don't think she sounds like she is going to be unfaithful, and I think sometimes that just when you have to trust. She sounds like a trustworthy person who does truly love you.